Quality Control Bots report Security Level Red for : MELODRAMATIC OVERLOAD. Site owner advised that blogging privileges probationary until security level drops back to orange. As the second infractionwithin one week owner put on the federal watch list for weepy bloggers. Her template editor will now be monitored by the B.I.A.
Site owner responded petulantly demanding an explanation of the security color levels. Her favorite color is red so she thinks that's a fine security level for the blog. When Bots answered that color level determinations are at their discretion, none of her beeswax, and red is bad, she threatened to file a suit with the assistance of the ACLU--blogger division. QC Bots know owner is a slacker and won't get around to suing them. So they issued a list of required actions to remove her from blog probation and to lighten the mood around here--for the love of all blog readers, cheer up!!!
1. HT wants to see her. Owner must meet him in person this week for some social fun. To facilitate this she must phone him on Wednesday as she promised when he called her on Sunday offering her a ride to church conference. The fact that she has a paper due Friday which she has yet to begin is not a good excuse considering the sad state of her well-being. Additionally, he left her 3 messages and owner only returned the last call so she can't afford to snub him anymore. Regardless of her ambiguous feelings towards HT romantically, he has a car, knows lots of interesting people and is always doing cool things. MOST IMPORTANTLY, he needs her as a friend right now. Owner should get out of her self and show concern for another person.
2. NEXT time two best buddies want to go see a movie like Shaun of the Dead with owner, she cannot use any excuses to get out of it. QC Bots do not care how tired she is, get some iron pills already. And if owner had done her grading last week when she collected the quizzes then she could have gone guilt free. Owner must stay on top of her work instead of procrastinating and thus remove any legitimate excuses for socializing and enjoying pop culture.
3. Do everyone a favor and get a date! Wah, wah, wah "I'm so frustrated, I'm so lonely, I'm crazy" QC Bots don't care because it's the owner's fault and that's why God made Xanax. Blind date boy has emailed the owner again, replying to her email of two weeks ago. No he did not ask her out--yet again. But he was out of town so MAYBE the owner should give it up and ask him out. Although QC Bots aren't sure, they don't know what that one is playing at.
4. Owner needs to go to church, it's been 2 months. She always gets gloomy when she doesn't go. There might be an interesting man or two. Then she could get busy on #3.
5. This time, when owner goes to the Morrissey concert on Saturday, she absolutely MUST get the digits from any and all Moz-men who spend 3 hours hanging out with her --but not the ones who spill beer or molest her. And next time find someone over 21. WARNING: Owner NOT ALLOWED to post about her sick infatuation with Morrissey. The world read about it ad naseum in May. That very post was linked on another blog as one of the posts that made that blogger sick. QC Bots ashamed of such links back to their blog. Don't let it happen again.
6. Lastly, or firstly, blog needs a new post about one of the stupid bad men from the past so that owner can make fun of their stupid badness.
**And put up a new poll--QC Bots bored with that one!
Excuse me? Hello?This is JL here. If you're so bored with my poll then friggin make your own d**n poll! Who do you Bots think you are? Quality Control my rectum! You can expect to see the law suit papers first thing in the...as soon as the paper gets finished and then the lectures and handouts...well, don't worry, you're getting sued soon. I won't ~~~~Feed Interrupted~~~~
QC department is not worried about getting sued. *Yawn* Site owner is a predictable human. It is suggested that JL go away to finish reading about fragmented selves because Bots find that subject curiously disturbing.
Come back for more TRUE stories of the strange, sad and pathetic exploits of me not having sex in the city.
8 comments:
Hahhhaaa. Very clever writing indeed. Kudos!
Although I'm not sure about the Morrisey addiction....but we all have our faults, no? ;-)
Message from Sadie
Sadie,
I'm not proud of that addiction. I was in denial for 10 years, going around saying The Smiths were my favorite band but I didn't like solo Morrissey. The first step to recovery is acceptance...
thanks! :)
Message from JL
Yay! You're sounding like yourself again (or at least like your blogself). Welcome back.
Message from Caiti
Except for that one song (you know which one I'm talking about) I've managed to sidestep the Morrissey addiction by largely avoiding listening to his music. Maybe it was odd titles such as "suedehead" that threw me off. I haven't listened much to Johnny Marr's solo music or non-Smiths collaborations either.
Morrissey and Marr go together like Lennon and McCartney and Simon and Garfunkel. If I could remember the names of that songwriting duo from Squeeze I'd include them as well.
Message from danithew
Difford and Tillbrook?
I was disappointed that VH1's "Bands Reunited" was unable to convince Squeeze to get back together for one last show.
I like the Smiths, but I don't listen to much Morrissey solo (although my daughter loves him). But I can understand your addiction, JL.
Message from Kevin Barney
That's wise Danithew,
Initially I hated Morrissey because he wasn't as good as the Smiths and so it was just disappointing. Marr's solo work isn't exceptional, I've heard some of his collaborations and was unimpressed.
Like you, I refused to buy any moz albums except for the one with that one song. But I have friends who have all his albums and they listened to him. Then I went to London for the real millenial new year and wanted a very English musical souvenir so I bought the box set of Moz singles from 88-92. I never listened to them but the box and sleeves were pretty. Then I thought it would be fun to see him live so to prepare myself I listened to all the singles and nothing but for 2 weeks before-hand. Once you get over expecting Smiths' quality, then you can enjoy his lyrics and voice. The songs grow on you like a virus.
But I still was not a freak about him until I saw him live in May. Then I realized the love was there all along and I was simply post-poning it and depriving myself of the joy that is seeing a hyper-charismatic, entertaining and beautiful grown man passionately sing lines like, "There you go, weilding a bicycle chain"; and "I like you because you're not right in the head, nor am I"; and "That's Ok because she was old and she was going to die anyway"; and "You have never been in love until you see the sunrise over the home for the blind." ahhhhhhhhhh. And any performer who can get away with having gladiolas hanging out of his fly has some mad skills on stage.
2 MORE DAYS WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!
Does anyone in NY want to buy my extra ticket? I paid $70. It means you have to sit next me, sorry. Maybe I should give a discount for that. :-)
Message from JL
It's good to hear you sounding okay. I hope you're finding the help you need. It's frightening and comforting both to know that I'm not the only one who slips into strange frightening places. Mine was post-partum and fleeting, but horrifying.
You have my sympathy and prayers (for whatever they're worth)
Message from Lisa
Post a Comment