I have aged, really. I thought maybe I just felt colder on the inside but I've definitely changed. Not just over this weekend but since this whole episode with the boy. I almost finished the next post about him. After reading the last paragraph I realized that I am the one who pushed him away. Repeatedly. I can't believe I couldn't see that. This chills me to the bone. And I'm embarrassed reading the account of our relationship. Because it is so obvious to me now. Of course he left me for her. She chased him and lavished him with attention while I fortified my wall. Why couldn't I see that?
How did I get this way? Is this what I learned from a mother who told her crying child to stop feeling sorry for myself when I went to her for comfort--the last time I ever asked her for comfort. Or did I learn this from my father who locked himself in the study with his books and records or ran away to Brazil? Now, I've turned myself into him. Or did I learn this when I spent that long night alone curled up on the cold bed in the emergency room? They had to hold me until the psych ward opened in the morning. And no one in my family came to see me there. 72 hours they kept me after I almost died. Until recently, I didn't know how f**ed up it was that no one came for me. By that time I expected nothing from them; so it didn't occur to me that parents should go see their sick children in the hospital, even if they're hundreds of miles away.
I'm going to die this way. Of my own volition in the cell I've built with my own stubborn hands, grown too prideful now to let anyone in. Even when I want to. I never wanted to more than with him. But after the first time he hurt me I couldn't trust him anymore. That was it. Wall. And I really thought he was playing games with me but it was the other way around. He hurt me again because I didn't give him any other option. How the hell do I fix myself? I'm not getting better I isolate myself more each year. I grow harder, colder, stone.
My greatest trial in this life is me. I've been shackled with myself and I don't know how to get out.
25 comments:
Hey, dont beat up on yourself. There areothers out there with life experiences similar to yours, and I bet, talking and communicating with folks like me in the LDS community will hel you to deal with the adversity you are currently faced with. but, if there is one thing I can tell you from my really f***ed up lifeis this - please dont lose hope, and dont let go. Things can change, and YOU are in control of your own destiny, and you CAN CHANGE things for the better. I will contact you backchannel.
Best wishes
Pax
Message from ronin
The one thing you are missing is that most people do the sort of thing you have done -- wall themselves in to protect themselves from hurt.
But you are aware of what is going on now, and you are still young. I meet a fair number of people who haven't figured out what you've finally realized or don't until they are in their 40s or 50s.
I've met a lot of people who didn't start their "real" life until after a great deal of heartache, pain and mis-steps, many in their 30s and 40s or later. Some who still haven't gotten there.
You are far ahead of many of them.
Especially now that you know what you need to understand.
Message from Ethesis (Steve M)
Steve is very right. I have also met a lot of people who are like what Steve describes. That is teh reason that I stopped going to any brain tumor/brain cancer support groups. Cuz, all the folks there did was to sit and whine and complain, and none seemed to want to take responsibility and get on with their lives.
Message from Ronin
Celibate, are you on medication? because the little I know of you from recently becoming acquainted through the blogs, you seem depressed :) I am a mother of a girl a little younger than you (and 3 boys) and I have very motherly feelings when reading your "tales". You need to see someone, a therapist, and get some medication. I am not a "prozac cures all person" by any stretch but I worry about you. Secondly, He is a Jerk!!! Don't throw the failure of that relationship on yourself, he obviously needed someone who was not like you. You can't live your live as a charade of mincing, adoration if that's not the true you. Maybe it's not even the true her and, having "won " the prize, in a few years she will tire of the act. But she sounds like she's a master at "the game". You are wonderful, witty, intelligent and... maybe spending too much time at the blog. Take care of yourself and I don't mean that as a colloquial closing
Message from hanna tycc
Unshackle yourself at the Soul Food Cafe. Turn this blog into a book.
www.dailywriting.net/
Swing by my blog underthelemontree for more information
Message from catsamused
JL don't you dare appologize for sounding sad! You have had a big revelation, feel sad if it helps. I'm sending you a hug, and some hope. It's what IBFF's do. :)
Message from Sarah Marinara
How to change? That is a tough one that I've been working on for a while myself. And I have come to the conclusion that, we, alone, can't change ourselves--or at least, change enough in big ways, because of the way we see reality (or, our version of it, at least).
It's like we've all been born with a pair of glasses. And over time, through our life experiences, we get scratches and chips in the lenses. Some of us, as children, get dramatic cracks. But, for most of us, it happens a little at a time, so slowly that we don't notice. We just go on, seeing the world through our distorted views.
So, how do we fix that? How do we correct something that we have nothing to compare it to? (After all, we can only "see" how we see.)
I have found a couple of things that have worked for me, and, JL, you're already doing them. The FIRST is to ascertain if there is something chemically that is affecting our veiw. Check. The SECOND is to talk (and also blog, I might add) with others about how we see things. Check. Seeing things written down or hearing our words reflected back to us helps us expand and analyze our views. Really, these two steps are all we can do on our own to begin the process.
But the THIRD step and the only way to really heal and change is to go to the One who sees everything as it really is. The One who can buff out our scratchs, chips, and cracks. The One who knows who we really are and can help us get to where we need to go. He is the only way to really and truly change. And, speaking from personal experience, it can be a powerful transformation!
Sorry to have written a treatise on the whole thing. I hope I haven't offended, but you deserve to be happy.
Message from Lizzy
JL,
Your first comment sounds in many ways like what I'm going through right now. We should email sometime.
Davis
Message from Davis Bell
Davis,
I thought we were emailing? Or was that a nefarious trick and the email I got came from either Kaimi or your brother? Or is this your way of saying you are impatiently awaiting my reply?
I'm sure we are going through the same thing. My first semester was the worst so I feel for you. It's very strange because in many ways it was also the best. I only had to teach one class. Anyway, take your life and pretend you have to teach 3 undergrad classes full of children.
Message from JL
Here's a quote from a terrific general conference talk by Jeffrey Holland:
"Now, if you feel too spiritually maimed to come to the feast, please realize that the Church is not a monastery for perfect people, though all of us ought to be striving on the road to godliness. No, at least one aspect of the Church is more like a hospital or an aid station, provided for those who are ill and want to get well, where one can get an infusion of spiritual nutrition and a supply of sustaining water in order to keep on climbing.
"In spite of life's tribulations and as fearful as some of our prospects are, I testify that there is help for the journey. There is the Bread of Eternal Life and the Well of Living Water. Christ has overcome the world--our world--and His gift to us is peace now and exaltation in the world to come.20 Our fundamental requirement is to have faith in Him and follow Him--always. When He bids us to walk in His way and by His light, it is because He has walked this way before us, and He has made it safe for our own travel here. He knows where the sharp stones and stumbling blocks lie hidden and where thorns and thistles are the most severe. He knows where the path is perilous, and He knows which way to go when the road forks and nightfall comes. He knows all this, as Alma says in the Book of Mormon, because He has suffered 'pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind . . . , that he may know . . . how to succor his people according to their infirmities.'21 To succor means 'to run to.' I testify that in my fears and in my infirmities the Savior has surely run to me. I will never be able to thank Him enough for such personal kindness and such loving care."
You can find the entire talk at:
http://lds.org/conference/talk/display/0,5232,23-1-32-24,00.html
Message from Lowell
Here's how humility works for me, when I have the fortitude to practice it: 1) I recognize that in truth, I am not as big deal as I'd like to think,and there are alot of people whose shoulders I stand on, and the truth is always a great thing. Knowing that there are new things to learn and that I don't know everything is a motivator. 2) I remember to be thankful for the many things that are obvious or not obvious, recognizing there is a higher power. There sure is alot to be thankful for and happy about. 3) The prideful competitiveness causes that criticizing of others and looking down on them being a negative emotion? Something to try and stay away from I think.
Isn't pride caused by revenge, where one sees a divide with others, and then tries vengeance to heal, but it doesn't really heal. It would be the mercy, forgiveness, and humility that would heal.
That Sacrament Meeting attendance is no joke.
Then there's that older brother who humbly suffered for each of us, and offers us the same mercy we should offer to others and ourselves.
And then there's the repetitive 'Just keep swimming' or 'Try to be humble' mantra.
It works for me sometimes.
Message from Anonymous
If I could offer comfort, I would. If you wanted advice I would tell you to let Him heal you (healing meaning a process where tomorrow is better than today). But I don’t think that’s why you open your soul to the Internet.
So I would just like to say I appreciate the quotes of the week. And I intend to include this post’s last paragraph in my collection of great quotes. They are just so beautiful, and to me encapsulate my life and the whole human condition in two little sentences. Thank You.
Message from eremite
DO NOT put all the blame on yourself! He was juvenile and unsure and NOT what you needed. If he were, things would have worked out.
It's ironic that you developed a wall system while I, having been raised by the same ppl, have had problems to the contrary. I'm always TOO trusting (or at least I used to be).
see you in the morning!
Message from Anonymous
Jill,
You and I took opposite routes to survival. You bled all over everyone and demanded love that they wouldn't give. I crept outside and hid in the trees where I could pretend someone loved me. I couldn't suffer all the bleeding. My room is filthy. I hope your friend isn't a neat freak. Emmy broke a glass this weekend b/c she was mad and now there is glass on my rug. Bring band-aids.Weather is lovely, in the 60s I think.
Hanna,
Thank you for your concern and I hope I didn't bite your head off in that other comment. Medication and I are not happy friends and I was diagnosed at age 11 so this has been my long, long battle.
Anon,
The only vengeful thing I have ever done in my life was go kiss somebody else when I wanted this guy. I didn't even tell him about it because I didn't want to hurt him in case he still cared. And really, I just needed to feel some affection and it did that nicely. Pride will destroy me. I acknowledge that. It is my other demon.
Thanks Lowell and everyone for the beautiful comments.
Message from JL
Oh dear.
If I lived near you, and I knew your name and me—a perfect stranger—coming over to your house wouldn't freak you the heck out, I would bring you chocolate. Or cookie dough. Or chocolate cookie dough. Or prozac chip chocolate cookie dough. Or something, because what else do Mormon women do but try to feed people to make them feel better?
Air kisses from Oregon.
Message from Jerilyn
Maybe figuring out what is making you unhappy will help you to determine what steps to take so that you will be happy. It sounds like you're going through a very hard time and I'm sorry about that. I hope you're feeling better soon.
Message from danithew
JL, I think I have felt a lot of what you're feeling, except that my parents are better models of love and caring, it sounds like, and my rent has been lower, so it's been easier for me. The academic world isn't all it's hyped up to be. It sounds like you have good reasons to be depressed aside from chemistry. Maybe you have to just keep plodding along, venting on the internet, but maybe not. It sounds like you should definitely make some changes, whether subtle or radical, whatever it takes (within the scope of righteousness), because there's no point in living a life that doesn't make you happy.
Is there some way you can take a break? Do you have an aunt you can go stay with for a semester and decompress, in a place where you know some good people? The early stages of academia (generally, pre-tenure) are only survivable, I think, if you can think of it as something you are doing because you want to. Really, scholarship is designed for the independently wealthy, and members of religious orders. Single Mormons are celibate but don't get the institutional support : ) If you are feeling miserable, and can't think of any credible alternatives, you're really stuck. But there are alternatives! Especially for someone as sharp as you.
I say, construct a plan B that is livable and involves a lot less stress. Then you have reclaimed your freedom and can make a thoughtful, prayerful choice about academia. Maybe you'll stay. Maybe you'll take a leave of absence and unwind, then go back. Perhaps this recent revelation will help you live a lot more happily henceforth, do a better job with your social life. Maybe you need to get out of academia; it's a pretty twisted world in many ways. It should be a choice.
You are probably at least partly right about your walls, but don't be unfair to yourself; this guy may be making excuses. Some people are really good at shoving responsibility onto others.
How about that Jewish guy? He might at least be good for a fling, and it sounds like you need some good company.
Message from coriander
Um, yes, we are. That was my obviously unsuccesfuly attempt at humor.
Message from Davis Bell
I shouldn't blog between classes. They suck the sense of humor out of me. But if I recall, that was my attempt at a humorous repsonse to your attempt at a humorous comment. And yet no one is laughing. odd. I just sent you a weird email, sorry. I'll try to do better next time, I just broke my rule not to send email after midnight because that is a bad practice. But I only remember that rule after I break it. So maybe just delete that email and I'll try again tomorrow.
Message from JL
Ha ha! That is so funny! Davis and JL, you guys crack me up!
;-)
Message from Kim Siever
Maybe you should listen to some Michael McLean, he seems to make everything seem better. And if I was there in town, I would take you to Phantom of the Opera and buy you a dozen roses. Awwww.
Message from Jack G
Michael McLean makes things seem better? Not for me. All Michael McLean does is exaggerate my migraine.
Message from Kim Siever
Who is this McLean dude? Funny Jack. I think you should especially buy me the pink roses. Or maybe your lazy friend could IM once in awhile, what does he have a life now or something?
Message from JL
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