7.22.2009

My Little Corner of the World

Hello. Again. Still.
I seriously considered shutting this whole operation down, removing it from the web even. Many of my own posts make me blush. Some I am ashamed of... but only because of my attitude, nothing else. I felt prompted to return tonight.

Nothing has changed here. Still single, celibate, mormon, grad school drop-out, teetering on financial ruin....feeling completely lost. And so lonely. Painfully so. What has changed is my self. I matured. I feel mostly healthy in the head. I get cycles of debilitating 6 hour anxiety attacks but, it's ok. I can see straight again, or for the first time. Can't remember which.

I do need to say that I am still fully committed to living the gospel and the law of chastity. I do not resent it anymore. I do not feel like it has caused me any suffering. Quite the opposite. I see how much suffering it prevented. It's an instant jerk-not-worth-your-time-man revealer. Tell the man you won't sleep with him and see what happens. His character shines through, like a light or a stain. When he runs, thank the Lord you escaped a hideous relationship with that one. Really. How many bad relationships go on and on because the two are entangled in a physical affair? Masking the problems in their relationships with sex. How many people married the wrong person because they were so enamored with the sex, only to pay the price later? Not me. Thank you Jesus.

I'm lonely and bruised, but.... so much better than I would have been. It has blessed me. I can't speak for others. I see now how fragile I was. How devastating sexual affairs with abusive men would have been. The non-sexual ones were bad enough. My injured soul attracted vultures. That couldn't have been otherwise. What I was spared certainly could have been.

I needed to say this. I have felt that for awhile. I knew the Law of Chastity was a blessing when I came out of the mess with Farmer Ted. So grateful I didn't date him or get more involved than I had. And I only escaped because he wouldn't date a woman who wouldn't.

My house of cards life is falling down around me. Finally.  The Pied Piper has called.

The NY tax man took my bank account away.  An account with nothing but unemployment money. That's illegal but I don't have the energy to go to legal aid and deal.  My car broke on Sunday. My wrist broke 2 months ago,  it broke straight across the bone and was completely mangled.  They did surgery on it and now I have a bionic arm with a metal plate.  And physical therapy thrice weekly, that I can't go to anymore because of the broken car.  My cat is probably sick, he's too thin.  My graduate program won't let me back in, because their ranking went up and they don't think I'm good enough anymore.  However, I've been fired from every non-academic job I ever had. I can't do anything else. So I don't know what to do now.

My heart was recently very broken. By a new one. It's a good thing because now I know I still have a heart. I learned how to love in a way I hadn't before. I opened myself and trusted a man for the first time in my life. He made me feel safe enough to say 'I love you' out loud. There was emotional intimacy. And then he broke my heart. I'll love him forever anyway, and be forever grateful. I think this means I'm human now, fully human. Whole? Maybe.

That's how we are in my little corner on the hill above the river overlooking the City. I don't know what the future holds. I expect happiness. Right now I can't see my way there. I can't see beyond the pile of bills and failure surrounding me.

I also can't see past the gaggle of men that cropped up out of nowhere--suddenly they are everywhere and they want me. Maybe because I'm ready now?

9 comments:

April D said...

Hey! Its me April. Yeah, still here in hellhole Mississippi ;) We should talk/catchup sometime. I am in the much of the same boat you are so we can be in it together and take turns rowing? LOVE YA April

dharvey said...

I saw the link to your blog at Times and Seasons. Have you considered becoming more active in an NYC ward of your church? You could meet people there who would understand your wish to remain celibate. I think it might ease the lonliness a bit. I hope that your situation is much better very soon, and I will think positive thoughts for you.

Bored in Vernal said...

Here is a wound that never will heal, I know,
Being wrought not of a dearness and a death,
But of a love turned ashes and the breath
Gone out of beauty; never again will grow
The grass on that scarred acre, though I sow
Young seed there yearly and the sky bequeath
Its friendly weathers
down, far Underneath
Shall be such bitterness of an old woe.
That April should be shattered by a gust,
That August should be levelled by a rain,
I can endure, and that the lifted dust
Of man should settle to the earth again;
But that a dream can die, will be a thrust
Between my ribs forever of hot pain
.

Edna St. Vincent Millay

♥ you,
BiV

brainySmurf3 said...

Hi,

I really feel for you. I am in the same boat in many ways. I am lost and depressed....and still dealing with anxiety that literally shuts me down.

I have had horrible days...where for long stretches at a time ....I don't even have the energy or desire to go outside.

Had a terrible day yesterday. Car got towed. It was my fault for waiting at the last minute to register. I have no money...and have debt including what I owe my university. And still have 2 or 3 classes(thesis) before I can finish my double major. Am a super super senior.

I just want to cry. I am not sure where I am headed or what to do. I don't want to pray to god because...I don't believe I deserved to be heard. My mess is of my own making not someone else's fault.

Just don't know what to do.

Keep posting it helps to know how you are doing. You are probably much stronger than you think. Nice to see you post after such a long time.

AS

Ps. I would not worry about being a virgin. I am one...so big deal. I have never even kissed. I am a romantic and believe in one true love unfortunately, I lost my first love. Just because of that does not mean...i don't know what it means to truly love someone. I am lucky that I was loved and have loved.

Eddie said...

JL, it was great to see you post again. I thought this was a very touching post, thank you.

Linne Haywood said...

I love your honest writing; even though I don't have very much in common with you, your vulnerability and your willingness to share touches me so much. Maybe it is that you are able to frankly discuss the human condition of wanting to be loved and cared for/about? I think of you in NYC and how brave you are to live the gospel in a place where it is not easy to be LDS. Please keep posting.

Randy B. said...

JL, was thinking about you today. Glad to see you're still in cyberspace. Hope you are hanging in there. All the best from ATL.

Stephen said...

My graduate program won't let me back in, because their ranking went up and I'm not good enough anymore.

Ouch, I had no idea they could/would do that. Seems terribly cold of them.

chris said...

I love this blog. Nothing to be ashamed (red faced) of at all. It is a tough lot for young Mormon women in the NE. Men also. If a man can't respect your value system, than I doubt you could ever respect his. Save your love for the worthy.