Hello. Again. Still.
I seriously considered shutting this whole operation down, removing it from the web even. Many of my own posts make me blush. Some I am ashamed of... but only because of my attitude, nothing else. I felt prompted to return tonight.
Nothing has changed here. Still single, celibate, mormon, grad school drop-out, teetering on financial ruin....feeling completely lost. And so lonely. Painfully so. What has changed is my self. I matured. I feel mostly healthy in the head. I get cycles of debilitating 6 hour anxiety attacks but, it's ok. I can see straight again, or for the first time. Can't remember which.
I do need to say that I am still fully committed to living the gospel and the law of chastity. I do not resent it anymore. I do not feel like it has caused me any suffering. Quite the opposite. I see how much suffering it prevented. It's an instant jerk-not-worth-your-time-man revealer. Tell the man you won't sleep with him and see what happens. His character shines through, like a light or a stain. When he runs, thank the Lord you escaped a hideous relationship with that one. Really. How many bad relationships go on and on because the two are entangled in a physical affair? Masking the problems in their relationships with sex. How many people married the wrong person because they were so enamored with the sex, only to pay the price later? Not me. Thank you Jesus.
I'm lonely and bruised, but.... so much better than I would have been. It has blessed me. I can't speak for others. I see now how fragile I was. How devastating sexual affairs with abusive men would have been. The non-sexual ones were bad enough. My injured soul attracted vultures. That couldn't have been otherwise. What I was spared certainly could have been.
I needed to say this. I have felt that for awhile. I knew the Law of Chastity was a blessing when I came out of the mess with Farmer Ted. So grateful I didn't date him or get more involved than I had. And I only escaped because he wouldn't date a woman who wouldn't.
My house of cards life is falling down around me. Finally. The Pied Piper has called.
The NY tax man took my bank account away. An account with nothing but unemployment money. That's illegal but I don't have the energy to go to legal aid and deal. My car broke on Sunday. My wrist broke 2 months ago, it broke straight across the bone and was completely mangled. They did surgery on it and now I have a bionic arm with a metal plate. And physical therapy thrice weekly, that I can't go to anymore because of the broken car. My cat is probably sick, he's too thin. My graduate program won't let me back in, because their ranking went up and they don't think I'm good enough anymore. However, I've been fired from every non-academic job I ever had. I can't do anything else. So I don't know what to do now.
My heart was recently very broken. By a new one. It's a good thing because now I know I still have a heart. I learned how to love in a way I hadn't before. I opened myself and trusted a man for the first time in my life. He made me feel safe enough to say 'I love you' out loud. There was emotional intimacy. And then he broke my heart. I'll love him forever anyway, and be forever grateful. I think this means I'm human now, fully human. Whole? Maybe.
That's how we are in my little corner on the hill above the river overlooking the City. I don't know what the future holds. I expect happiness. Right now I can't see my way there. I can't see beyond the pile of bills and failure surrounding me.
I also can't see past the gaggle of men that cropped up out of nowhere--suddenly they are everywhere and they want me. Maybe because I'm ready now?