11.07.2008

Watch my steady lonesome gait...*

*From Laura Marling's song "New Romantic" You can watch the video below. This should be the theme song for every single woman over 25.

Here I am again. A rainy day in the city. Mood has been low the last two weeks, beyond that I don't remember.

I got fired in August as retribution for taking a disability leave, which I only took to avoid getting fired in the first place.... but I am better off without it. Except financially. Sigh. I have 6 classes this semester at three universities. 2 lectures everyday of the week. Nights, then morning, night, morning...Each day is a catchup from the day before and a whirlwind towards tomorrow and then the week is over. The new bipolar meds make me tired all the time. If I don't get 10 hours of sleep at night then I need a 2 hour nap that afternoon. A pile of 70 blue books mocks me. The test was Monday and I haven't touched them yet. I stayed up Monday night until 5 am grading 40 papers from two weeks before. Then I slept through my first morning class. So it goes. 40 more blue books arrive next Monday.

I have forsworn dating. Not for me, no thank you. The losers I wasted time on last year showed me that I am still most attracted to abusers. I cannot be trusted to choose a man for myself. And clearly, I cannot sustain an adult relationship. Those men who dare glance at me twice on the subway get a scowl in return.

And yet, the loneliness. It is endless. Night after night in my empty bed, coming home to my echoing apartment, the pains go unnoticed, the successes uncelebrated, the hope worn so thin it has disappeared.

And yet, there is him. "George". The boy I liked before ever we met. A mutual friend had told me of him, I assumed he lied. There was no one like that. My friend Steff laughed that if we ever met we'd have to get married. Months later, I met him and was not disappointed. He, the phantasm, has haunted me for 10 years.

He, the divorcee, told me his girlfriend has moved in. So, why did you call me at 1:34 in the morning!? Who calls an ex-girlfriend in the middle of the night to celebrate the election--when your woman sleeps in your bed one room away?!? If he feels the way I do, if the sound of my voice makes him grin and all the world makes perfect sense when our talking is done... Then I need to know. I can't go on guessing anymore. Yesterday I threatened to drive down to see him (and my other friends). He has not yet replied. He will say 'no' when he finds the diplomatic words. He shares body fluids and a home with that woman. What am I but a vague memory?

It is absolute foolishness to harbor fantasies and feelings for him. We have not seen each other in 6 years. We had plans in April, but I missed the plane--literally. I was too terrified. The memory of all that pain and my depressed conviction that I faced sure rejection slowed my movements to the airport. I think he was hurt. He stopped talking to me. And now he lives with her.

I lost him again. The end.

"Watch my steady lonesome gait and be aware, I will never love a man cause love and pain go hand in hand and I can't do it, again."

9 comments:

brainySmurf3 said...

Trust me I can relate to what you are going through on several levels.

I have finally turned my back on my friends...i was so tired of having to balance relationships...that no matter what i did...it never worked out. I have at least come to terms about that. I will never trust nor allow anyone ever to get close to me again.

I haven't spoken to a single soul for almost 3 months except for a few words exchanged with my 2 sisters. I don't even keep my phone on for most of the times(i feel like smashing it all the time).

My anxiety came back with a vengenace and led me into my current depressive episode and i wish i could afford the meds to just function at this point. I started to tear up just reading your posts.

Not sure of anything at this point.

JL said...

I'm so sorry brainysmurf. I've been there too. The way I got myself out of it was to remove myself from my self-- I became a 3rd party and a charity project. Meaning: I decided to take care of the broken person that resided in this house, just like I would if she were a guest who came to visit. (I was the broken person and the care-giver). That motivated many many changes. My welfare became an objective project. "If A=x feels better, then I will do A"

It's near impossible to give a damn about your own welfare in those circumstances, that's why it's so hard to get out of that place. Especially when you can't abide the company of others.

The real motivation for all of this came from a vision I had at one of my lowest points. I saw myself standing before God to be judged, and he wept. He shook his head at me in disappointment. He asked: How could you have broken my trust this way? Why did you not care for my beloved child? How can you return her to me in this state--bruised, broken, neglected, unloved? I gave you dominion over her so you could bring her back to me whole and beautiful. She was your responsibility. Do you hate me so much you would betray me in this, and break my heart so?

And I crumbled to the floor sobbing. Overwhelmed with suffocating shame. I didn't mean it. I didn't know. I didn't know I was the one entrusted with her. I never saw Your child, Your beloved--I saw only this broken wretch fallen before you. I would not have done this....

And He comes to me and enfolds me in his arms and We weep together.

Stephen said...

I saw myself standing before God to be judged, and he wept. He shook his head at me in disappointment. He asked: How could you have broken my trust this way? Why did you not care for my beloved child? How can you return her to me in this state--bruised, broken, neglected, unloved? I gave you dominion over her so you could bring her back to me whole and beautiful. She was your responsibility. Do you hate me so much you would betray me in this, and break my heart so?

And I crumbled to the floor sobbing. Overwhelmed with suffocating shame. I didn't mean it. I didn't know. I didn't know I was the one entrusted with her. I never saw Your child, Your beloved--I saw only this broken wretch fallen before you. I would not have done this....

And He comes to me and enfolds me in his arms and We weep together.


That is really, really well said.

Linne Haywood said...

So, JL, I admire your courage and honesty in your beautiful blogging. I am caught up in the saga of you and George and your near misses. I hope good things for you.

brainySmurf3 said...

Sorry about my post JI. I feel so stupid about it now.


By the way you might want to check out these songs from THE SOUNDS. It Think you will like them.

Don't want to hurt you
Dance with me
Like a lady

Stephen said...

JL, I'd like to post your guest post for Christmas day, if that is ok with you.

Peter Camenzid said...

You have to let fear go. It's time to fly!

cameronsharpe said...

Your story was extremely touching. Your expressiveness demonstrates what an incredible connection you had with this other person and I can sympathize and relate to every word.

chris said...

Hope all is well JL.