I've been found out. Me and my big mouth blog. The irony is that this comes on the heels of the week in which I discuss the effect of my blog on my real life.
the horror I'm feeling over this just gets greater with each waking moment. All the words I wrote come rushing back to me in a nightmare flood, making me sick. Words no one should have to read about himself. Words that should never be made public, even in the imaginary realm of the internet where we think we can cloak the private in a shield of anonymity. I probably shouldn't be writing this either.
I just wanted to remember everything because I knew it might not ever happen again. Why in this medium? Because it was there. Because I'm a very lonely person who lives thousands of miles away from people who care about me. So I substitute the real human interaction I crave with this electronic one. Even if I can't see these other people, at least I know they are there. And I can pretend I have all thes wonderful friends who get so excited for me when something good happens, because in reality I am alone and no one cares. I'm just a sad crabby old maid with two cats.
That's why I'm so upset over this. I've lost a real person I cared about who could have been a great and long term friend. I sacrificed him on the alter of this blog. For the attention I guess. And because I needed to tell someone what happened, someone who would listen, someone who could validate this as a real experience and not a fantasy. I must have hurt and insulted him, which is the last thing I wanted to do. Me and my foolish hystrionic blatherings on the internet.
This may mean the death of this blog. But then I wouldn't even have my pretend friends and then where would I be? I don't know. I want to take it all back and make different decisions. But I can't. I just pray that I didn't matter much to him so that this was nothing more than a mere annoyance. I guess this shouldn't matter so much to me, everyone says just forget it, but I can't. And it does matter. A whole hell of a lot.
Come back for more TRUE stories of the strange, sad and pathetic exploits of me not having sex in the city.