Also, his phoning someone in front of you was to guage your reaction. If he was hiding something or being dishonest, he could so easily have not done it in front of you. Beware the man with tests!
I had no idea men tested women that way! To catch you up quickly, I went out with this guy and he made a weird phone call in front of me making plans to meet someone at his house later that night. Whatever this guy was doing, probably just making a phone call, doesn't matter. I'm very intrigued by this possibility though. It never occurred to me that men might think that way.
Here's the question to my readers: Do you know about men testing women in various ways? (I suspect LDS guys have tests they do on women before they even ask them out.) How do men do these tests and why do they do it? I'm completely shocked by this information. Please share anything you know about this male mating behavior, enquiring women want to know.
22 comments:
Not sure if it was actually a test, seems more like he wanted to make sure he could end the evening early. I could be wrong, it just seems a little odd that he would have to make the call in front of you.
Message from Aimee Roo
Come on it was no test. More than likely it was an innocent phone call as pointed out and as such he saw no need to hide it but I doubt that there was an ulterior motive involved. Most men don't think like that. I am sure some do so I am interested to see what 'tests' they post here.
Message from El Chidote
Of course men have dating "tests". LDS, non LDS, all of them. Don't you have tests you give the guys you date? Dating is a really insecure time and before you put yourself out there, you gotta make sure you're not going to fall flat on your face. This may or may not have been one of those so called "tests". You will probably never know (unless you asked him, which would be dating suiside so dont do it). If I were you, I would just sit back and enjoy the ride. Oh and dont even bring up the phone call! Don't do it!
p.s. a great test for the next time you meet up with this guy (it never failed me once!)
wear a bracelet and play with it while you are talking to him then take it off and set it in front of you on the table. If he picks it up, he's totally into you if not... then its NOT A DATE!!! This is totally juvenile, but I swear it is an excellent litnus test.
Message from Kristi Kritter
Well, the main tests were Church related, and not really challenges, but questions.
On my mission, I had a secret crush on a young woman in my area. While giving the spiritual thought after a dinner appointment at her place (she was not alone there), I tried to ask a few questions. I was in the Book of Mosiah, so I asked her who King Benjamin was. She gave me a blank stare. My crush faded. I don't think I would have given that test after my mission, but it did help me stay on task as a missionary. If she gave a detailed analysis of his sermon, I might have needed a transfer. :-)
After my mission, my main criteria was that I only wanted an active LDS woman. But I did have one question: Do you like Country Western music? If a woman said "yes" she may as well have lit up a cigarette.
I asked a woman this and she lied and told me no.
We have been happily married for 10 years.
Message from Anonymous
Tests? The only tests I used was to guage how interested a girl was in me. It seemed pointless to date a girl who had no interest in me.
Message from Kim Siever
Different people probably have different ideas about what a "test" is. I was shocked by that comment also. I don't think of men as giving tests, but then I remembered an incident with a guy friend (whom I had once dated and seemed to have lingering feelings for me). We were out with a group of friends. I decided to call it a night about the same time he received a call from a particular friend I wasn't fond of. He wanted us to meet up with his friend, but that idea only made me more determined to go home. Another friend of ours called me aside to point out that he was testing me. She said he wanted to be important enough to me that I would go despite my dislike for this friend. I didn't go. He ended up meeting someone that night and went out with her for a little while.
I know women test all the time. Some tests are more like guidelines, but some actually prod for a reaction. One example is the jealousy test, where a person tries provoking a jealous reaction in the other to attain proof of how much they're valued. Ironically, that guy I mentioned failed one of my guideline tests, which was one of the reasons I had kicked him to the curb. After 8 months together, he still wouldn't meet my family.
Some tests are necessary. Some are just childish.
Message from TC --a.k.a. Kwirki Girl
OK, I was the guy who said "beware the man with tests".
I guess "tests" means different things to different people, as Kwirki Girl said. Indeed, I meant test in one of the ways she mentions, as in "to prod for a reaction" (or niggle, or pinch softly, or gently nudge).
Don't get too caught up on "tests". The point is that he made the phone call in front of you. He could have chosen not to. So he wanted you to hear, because if he didn't want you to hear then he would have not called in front of you. Believe me, he wanted you to wonder who was in his apartment. He probably wanted you to ask him (because it would then prove you were 'interested' in him). And it was probably a friend, sister, brother, cousin or something completely innoculous. Because if it wasn't .... he wouldn't have made the call.
So, in short: When you go out with someone you are always wondering "is this person interested in me", you are checking out the "signs", looking at their behaviour, etc. Too many things to think conciously about and to be totally aware of (healthily at least!). In this vein it is not exactly a "natural" thing to make a phone call home at the end of an evening like that you two had together, say that "it took longer than I thought" and to volunteer absolutely no information about who you called. That is wierd. Not totally way-out wierd, just funny peculiar. The natural response in that situation would be for you to ask who he called. A child would do it automatically without thinking. But you were restrained, and he no doubt noticed that you restrained yourself from asking.
And how you and he interpret these transactions depends on how you feel towards each other and how the evening went (all the other little transactions all night). There is no test as in "pass" or "fail", but he was clearly playing around and "checking you out", conciously or unconciously as it may be.
Message from bbm
Oh, I should add that I'm a man, though not an 'expert' because I'm not a typical one (too little "testosterone"), but I know what I see in both men and women.
Message from bbm
I had a dream that I was running on this country road, and as I was about to jog past this little run down house where there were a pack of mean country dogs. I decided to take a detour on another road and hope the dogs didn't see me. I looked back to see if they were there, and in the distance I could see a little monster. I thought, "that's a pathetic monster". I kept running and looked back again and it was closer, but still kind of a week pathetic appearing monster. Then I looked again and it was right behind me, so I got ready to throw, and I woke up. When I woke up my arm was ready to throw.
Message from Anonymous
I like the bracelet test—but maybe too young. From the book I am reading, "Set aside your pride. Dating is not for the hypersensitive...be direct: 'When two [people] go out, it's hard to know if it's a date. I'd like it to be. Would you?'" I don't know; books are full of good advice that is impractical in the real world. Even so, I like this straight-forward approach, and an interested man would too.
Message from gaymormonchef
So, JL, how did the celibate one spend Thanksgiving? Was there turkey involved, or a frozen entree in the microwave, or something else? I'm just curious about how a single woman in NY goes about dealing with such a familial holiday.
Message from Kevin Barney
I don't know anyone who tests that way and I think it is very weird and gamesmanlike for him to have done it (if that is indeed what he was doing). I am a big supported of straightforwardness. Beware!
Message from Lowell
i never thought that this was real, but i guess it is. in an old atari's song it talks about a guy picking a girl up, locking the car doors, opening her door and then seeing if she unlocks his door for him as he walks around the car.
i don't think guys really look for that, but i dated a guy a few years ago and the situation previously described presented itself. i unlocked the door and when he got it he was so surprised/impressed. he said that was the first time a girl had ever been courteous enough to do that.
so it's not really a test ... but if you play it the way i did, you'll probably score some points.
Message from b
My husband did that to me on our first date as well. I don't particularly think it was a test, though. But that, among other things, helped me to snag him. ^_^
Message from Sister T
My wife does that for me. I never knew women do that until she did it the first time I picked her up for a date in a car. Ten years later, if I open her door, she unlocks mine.
Message from Kim Siever
re: the unlock door test
that is an old stereotype. You'll see it on tv programs and in books. I always unlock the door for whoever I'm with, be it a date, a friend, or my grandmother.
Message from Anonymous
I still do it as well.
Message from Sister T
Howdy Folks,
You may have noticed my absence from this discussion. I went out of town to spend the holiday with my best friend and her family. Just got in tonight. I am NEVER travelling the day before thanksgiving again, at least by air. It took me 10 hours for a 2 hour flight. And I just love the 2 hour commute from my house to La Guardia airport via subway and bus.
Message from JL
Hey bbm,
I forgot to say thanks for your comments. Very inciteful. Hope you stick around for awhile.
Message from JL
The tests are handy, but like all heuristics (sp?), they can be way off. The bracelet one sounds good but I am the type of guy to pick it up and play with it whether I was super interested or not. I think (after reading this site a bit) that you have good instincts and should trust them more. If something seems weird, it usually is. The best tests would be the ones you didn't recognize as tests, and didn't even strike you as out of the ordinary.
Message from brokenclock
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