Scary. I'm writing this post so that I don't forget what I've learned this week. I don't want to repeat this failed experiment.
Rude Awakening #1:
Because of the way I struggled with my work last spring I decided I should try a different med. So I changed over to it in mid-September. Last week I looked back and realized that my intense apathy towards my work dates exactly to the time when I change meds. I thought the change was good initially, it allowed me to sit and read for 4 hours straight. I also felt more relaxed.
But this relaxed apathy has not been good. I spent one week without either drug. Then this week I changed back to my old med. I now feel terror at the situation I have put myself in. I did nothing for two months. Absolutely nothing but write for this blog. I stopped going to classes, I did no school work. I stopped lecturing but I did manage to show up for my classes most of the time. And I fell into this deep crisis because all of a sudden I didn't love my field anymore. I also stopped getting any satisfaction from teaching. So because I no longer cared about my education and work, everything seemed pointless and I almost decided I needed to change my life.
ACCKKKK!! The fear I physically feel upon awakening as someone who gives a damn about my life can be described thusly: It feels like I am surrounded by huge shards of glass pointed at me, I don't know if they are moving towards me, if they'll fall or if I'll move and crash into them. Seriously, imagine for yourself what it would be like to wake up after sleeping for two months. What kind of shambles would your life be in? Some zombie, albeit a relaxed one with better vision, was stumbling through my life screwing everything up. It managed to show up for the bare minimum of my responsibilities and that's it. Holy crap. I'm in deep. I'm never touching that med again.
Rude Awakening #2
I am soooo grateful my mother flew up here to help me put myself back together. She dropped everything and took 3 days off of work to fly up here because I asked for help. She brought me breakfast everyday, cleaned up my stuff, went shopping with me and more. You can't buy that kind of love. I'm truly in awe. Also, this is a big step for me to even ask for help.
Ummm, but, next time I think we'll limit her visit to 3 days. By day 4 she started in on the judgmental criticizing. She said over dinner that she wished she could make me smile, and then said I shouldn't be alone.
"Yeah, I'm very aware of my solitude Mom."
"You should go to the singles ward. All the men there can't be obnoxious."
"Of course not," said I, "but I can't stand the environment in those wards. My chances would be slim anyway because I'm not the kind of person most of them want."
"Not with that attitude you're not."
Blah blah.... I wish you and so and so would get together."
"He doesn't want me that way."
"How do you know?"
"He told me."
"Then why does he keep ...Blah blah blah... When I was teaching, I know that my attitude had a lot to do with how my classes went you should....blah blah blah.... I think most people want too much from life. So what if you don't like teaching. Life is hard and we just have to get through it anyway. Most people don't like their jobs."
"I know that. But I want to at least get some satisfaction from life. Since I probably won't have children, I'd like to accomplish something instead of just getting a dumb job. I don't think that's asking too much."
"Well, I don't get any satisfaction or pleasure in my life."
"I know. I don't want your life either."
She scowled, then said "Thank you."
Mom, next time you want to make me smile, please tell me a joke instead.