SHIRTLESS. Really? It's tacky. If I wanted meaningless sex, then I'd want to see your bare chest. Maybe that's the point. That's the message you're sending. If you want a nice girl looking for a serious relationship, then put your shirt back on. PROFESSIONAL HEADSHOT: Unless you are an actor, this screams desperate with a capital D. This guy is so needy for a date, he went to the mall and paid someone to take his picture. Or, he's an actor. Either way, next. BOY BAND POSE: You've seen these. A boy leaning against a door frame with his shirt just opened enough to tease. Standing in the rain, looking off into the distance. Again, this screams desperate and raises a flag that this man is overly-vain. BLACK & WHITE Photo: Pretentious. This guy is trying to stand out and look artistic. He's trying too hard. Yawn. The CUT-OUT: The picture with his ex-girlfriend or wife cut out of it. You can still see her cheek against his, or her hair hanging down. This is off-putting. Women think: This guy just got out of a relationship. Baggage. He's probably hung up on her since he hasn't taken a new photo. And he's bitter enough to photoshop a woman he cared for out of a nice photo. I don't want him to do that to me. Moving on. The PLAYA: He poses with his babes. Or maybe one babe. But there's a hot chick hanging around his neck. This is not good. First, a woman compares herself to the babe and may feel inferior. Then, she judges the man by the girl in the photo. Do you really want to be associated with the bleach blond bimbo? It also gives the impression that there's competition for this man and he's proud of it. No thank you. GOOFY HIPSTER: The guy with dirty hair and expensive old looking t-shirt in asilly pose, with a dumb hat, or wearing a costume or making a face. It's cute if you're under 25. Over 25, and the man looks childish and immature. HUNTING SHOT: If you're looking for a Sarah Palen type, then by all means, post a picture with your rifle. Otherwise, you look like a psychopath. DADDY: Risky, very risky. Men holding babies or playing with kids are sexy, but.... the first assumption is that those are YOUR kids. That's scary. If they're not your kids, don't put them in your profile shot. If they are your kids, then advertising that you're a father may seem like a good idea. However, you are losing a lot of clicks. I suggest moving these to your 2nd photo so at least you get a profile viewing. If she's interested enough, then she'll be okay with kids. - SPORTS CAR: Or, SUV or truck. This guy thinks standing in front of his expensive car is going to make him attractive. That fact alone is a deal-breaker.
Showing posts with label E-Love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label E-Love. Show all posts
8.17.2010
How Not to Pick Up Women Online
6.05.2006
Mr. Webcam Returns
In case you missed his first visit, you can read about it HERE
Contrary to popular belief, he did contact me again! He sent me an email saying "Hey. Long time no....nothing. How are ya?"
Are you kidding me? How could he possibly want to talk to me again or think I wanted to talk to him again? Well, it turns out he is somewhat of a special case. My buddy looked at his profile after I told him the story. He recognized the guy as an actor from those bad Mormon comedies like "The Singles Ward" and "RM". I thought that was hilarious. The dude even has his own page on IMDB.com. But I won't tell you who he is.
Now this partly explains his obsession with his webcam. He probably wanted me to see him hoping that I'd recognize him from the movies. Then I would become twitterpated by the mere fact of his greatness and moviestar fame. (Even though he wasn't the main character, and actors in those films can hardly be called movie stars-- as my buddy pointed out. My buddy might now notice I did not ask his permission to reference our conversations on the blog. --It was funny, give me a break.)
Well, I decided to write Mr. Webcam back. Mostly because I figured he knows people in New York :
He replied expressing surprise at my surprise. Then he said he didn't know anyone looking but he'd love to chat with me again. I thought about it for a few days then sent another email. I wrote that I hadn't expected to hear back from him because he seemed pretty PO'd about the webcam thing. And I didn't like the way he talked down to me.
On Friday he sent me an apologetic email. He said he wasn't POd, he thought it was silly and something to tease me about. And he didn't think that he had been talking down to me, he was sorry. He didn't remember what he said. Maybe I was just extra sensitive because of the disturbing men I'd come across before. Maybe he should have been more cautious with me. Maybe both. But he was sorry.
YUCK! I couldn't just let that go. I spent the weekend thinking about how I should respond. (Mostly because I don't have anything else going on in my life.) Also, I'm on an honesty kick right now. If people were more honest to others within their dating lives, then I think we'd all be better off. Then we could know what we did wrong and fix it. Plus, it hurts less to know why you were rejected as opposed to spending the rest of your life wondering why, inventing horrid reasons for why you aren't good enough.
With that in mind, I wrote him a rather long explanatory email this morning. I'm nervous about it now. I didn't want to make him angry or hurt him. I thought he should know what happened. He also needed to know that I am not overly sensitive. If anything, I'm insensitive. I frequently hurt other people's feelings by saying things that would not hurt my feelings. Because most people are more sensitive than I am. I explained that to him, as well as my honesty thing.
First, I told him that my friends were all horrified by our conversation and couldn't believe I kept talking to him after the first time he called me damaged. And that it was a good thing he hadn't heard what they'd called him. (This was evidence that I didn't overreact.) Then I said I'd break it down for him, but he should stop reading if he wasn't prepared to hear it.
I calmly told him how things went down from my perspective. That he didn't respect my feelings when I told him I don't like webcams. When he wouldn't take no for an answer it was disrespectful. That I had to keep giving him reasons why I don't like them. And the fact that someone masturbated on my computer screen was usually explanation enough for other people. But he took that as a sign there was something wrong with me. That it meant I was another damaged 30 year old he'd have to deal with. Etc. Etc. I wrote that it's not appropriate to 'tease' someone that way when you don't know them. Then I reminded him of his comment: he'd "have to see how much time I'd make him spend atoning for the sins of men in my past before he decided how good of friends we could be." I told him that was emotional blackmail. And beyond presumptuous and insulting.
Lastly, I said that I was sure he didn't have malicious intent but I am too old to let men talk to me that way. I wished him luck in his future dating endeavors.
I really held my tongue. I wanted to say some brutal things regarding what his words said about him, but I didn't. That would only serve to anger and hurt him. I hope he actually reads it and maybe learns something. I hope I wasn't too mean. I didn't want to make him feel bad, but I probably did.
Now, if we hear from him again, that will be extraordinary. If he sends back something nice then he MIGHT be worth talking to again. Though I think that's as likely to happen as Romney winning the presidency.
***OOo, OOO, he wrote me back twice. But I'm afraid to read them. So you'll have to wait. Yikes. I'd say this man has some juevos.
Contrary to popular belief, he did contact me again! He sent me an email saying "Hey. Long time no....nothing. How are ya?"
Are you kidding me? How could he possibly want to talk to me again or think I wanted to talk to him again? Well, it turns out he is somewhat of a special case. My buddy looked at his profile after I told him the story. He recognized the guy as an actor from those bad Mormon comedies like "The Singles Ward" and "RM". I thought that was hilarious. The dude even has his own page on IMDB.com. But I won't tell you who he is.
Now this partly explains his obsession with his webcam. He probably wanted me to see him hoping that I'd recognize him from the movies. Then I would become twitterpated by the mere fact of his greatness and moviestar fame. (Even though he wasn't the main character, and actors in those films can hardly be called movie stars-- as my buddy pointed out. My buddy might now notice I did not ask his permission to reference our conversations on the blog. --It was funny, give me a break.)
Well, I decided to write Mr. Webcam back. Mostly because I figured he knows people in New York :
Wow. I didn't expect to hear from you again. I'm well. I'm looking for someone to sublet my place this summer do you know anyone?
He replied expressing surprise at my surprise. Then he said he didn't know anyone looking but he'd love to chat with me again. I thought about it for a few days then sent another email. I wrote that I hadn't expected to hear back from him because he seemed pretty PO'd about the webcam thing. And I didn't like the way he talked down to me.
On Friday he sent me an apologetic email. He said he wasn't POd, he thought it was silly and something to tease me about. And he didn't think that he had been talking down to me, he was sorry. He didn't remember what he said. Maybe I was just extra sensitive because of the disturbing men I'd come across before. Maybe he should have been more cautious with me. Maybe both. But he was sorry.
YUCK! I couldn't just let that go. I spent the weekend thinking about how I should respond. (Mostly because I don't have anything else going on in my life.) Also, I'm on an honesty kick right now. If people were more honest to others within their dating lives, then I think we'd all be better off. Then we could know what we did wrong and fix it. Plus, it hurts less to know why you were rejected as opposed to spending the rest of your life wondering why, inventing horrid reasons for why you aren't good enough.
With that in mind, I wrote him a rather long explanatory email this morning. I'm nervous about it now. I didn't want to make him angry or hurt him. I thought he should know what happened. He also needed to know that I am not overly sensitive. If anything, I'm insensitive. I frequently hurt other people's feelings by saying things that would not hurt my feelings. Because most people are more sensitive than I am. I explained that to him, as well as my honesty thing.
First, I told him that my friends were all horrified by our conversation and couldn't believe I kept talking to him after the first time he called me damaged. And that it was a good thing he hadn't heard what they'd called him. (This was evidence that I didn't overreact.) Then I said I'd break it down for him, but he should stop reading if he wasn't prepared to hear it.
I calmly told him how things went down from my perspective. That he didn't respect my feelings when I told him I don't like webcams. When he wouldn't take no for an answer it was disrespectful. That I had to keep giving him reasons why I don't like them. And the fact that someone masturbated on my computer screen was usually explanation enough for other people. But he took that as a sign there was something wrong with me. That it meant I was another damaged 30 year old he'd have to deal with. Etc. Etc. I wrote that it's not appropriate to 'tease' someone that way when you don't know them. Then I reminded him of his comment: he'd "have to see how much time I'd make him spend atoning for the sins of men in my past before he decided how good of friends we could be." I told him that was emotional blackmail. And beyond presumptuous and insulting.
Lastly, I said that I was sure he didn't have malicious intent but I am too old to let men talk to me that way. I wished him luck in his future dating endeavors.
I really held my tongue. I wanted to say some brutal things regarding what his words said about him, but I didn't. That would only serve to anger and hurt him. I hope he actually reads it and maybe learns something. I hope I wasn't too mean. I didn't want to make him feel bad, but I probably did.
Now, if we hear from him again, that will be extraordinary. If he sends back something nice then he MIGHT be worth talking to again. Though I think that's as likely to happen as Romney winning the presidency.
***OOo, OOO, he wrote me back twice. But I'm afraid to read them. So you'll have to wait. Yikes. I'd say this man has some juevos.
Collection:
E-Love,
Mr. Webcam
5.08.2006
Another one bites the dust, sigh
There are networking social sites online where people can post profiles and link to their friends' profiles, Friendster was the big one a few years ago. People also use these sites to look for dates. I have a profile on one of them. I confess that once or twice a year I do a few searches for men and send a few notes out. It's an act of optimism, never yet bearing fruit. Occasionally, I even receive notes from men on their own fishing expeditions.
Last week I got an email that was very bold, compared to the usual "Hi," "Nice profile", "How YOU doing?" . . .you get the idea. The most common thing I've found is that guys send some obscure random question about my profile. (BTW, not effective, it may work as a pickup line in a public place but not on email.) So this guy sent me an actual letter complimenting my tastes and saying he was very interested, I looked like just his type. Intrigued, I checked out his profile. Whoa. My first instinct was, ok, there is something horribly wrong with this man. Why did I respond so cynically? Because he looked too good. He was Mormon, 33, very very tall, good-looking, had a successful career(according to him), and came across as charming--as opposed to the usual socially awkward bloke.
Now, two of any of the above characteristics are enough to make a man prime meat in the singles ward. I learned that the hard way by dating a very tall and very good looking man. That's when I ended up in the nasty quadrangle and gossipy envy. That man had no career, and turned out to be about as dumb as dirt. Yet, women were clawing each other's eyes out for him. As I said, in my experience, a Mormon man needs only two of these golden traits to draw the women like flies on.... And here was a single guy living in Salt Lake(!!!) still single and hitting on me shamelessly. Additionally, the man had about 30 women on his profile gushing over him and obviously in love with him.
If you are familiar with these pages, then you know what I am talking about. Comments such as the following, "He is the best guy I know. He won my heart because he is so hot and fun and cool." "Any woman would be so lucky to have this man." "As soon as I can sell my trailer and move to SLC, this man is mine so back off you B's...." Ok, I made those up. But that's what those comments are like. You can gauge a man's social skills by these swooning comments, the collected broken hearts he keeps on a string. I think most of the guys can't see them for what they are, but the ones with more than 2 of the veiled love letters have got to know and are obviously playa's.
So what was this dude's story? I thought I should find out. I spent an hour Friday night writing a long, thoughtful, descriptive letter telling him about myself. It was witty, it was open, I tried to show glimpses of my soul without being an exhibitionist. Quite a letter. Why bother? I went to all that trouble despite the flashing warning sign, "He's too good to be true!!" because I thought, "maybe". Maybe there really is a super terrific man out there who has just been looking for the right woman and he hasn't found her yet because that woman is me." Please gag me with a spoon. I didn't really believe that thought, but I had nothing better to do so I went with it anyway.
After pushing the send button, I got a reply right back. He said there was so much to say but he was so lazy could we IM? Fine, I wasn't doing anything. And there, the truth was revealed. I'm blown away by the irrationality and freakiness of what I found. Usually, I am the freaky one with the bizarre and paranoid reactions. Oh, no. Not this time. I have included excerpts of our exact IM conversation(thank you archives) because I couldn't reproduce this as well. The typos were his.
Things started out normally with greetings. He complimented my pictures. I told him I took them with a webcam I got from my ex-boyfriend....
I explained to him about an experience I had one night when I was chatting with someone and went to the bathroom. When I returned I was greeted by the man and a view of his goodies, while he was enjoying his goodies if you get my drift. Personally, I think that is a good reason not to let someone you don't know show you his webcam. But despite that, I really just don't like using them, I find it weird and creepy to watch someone staring at their computer. But this guy would not let it go.
Excuse me? I have damage because I don't want your face on my monitor because I don't know you?? That's what I should have said. So I'm the one with issues because I didn't do what you wanted me to?
What the...? Huh? Atoning for who, what? YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW ME. I wouldn't let you watch me type, so that means I'm punishing you for what other men did to me? You're a head case--again, in hindsight that's what I should have said. And, aside from that lunacy, does any woman actually respond to that kind of thing? I was really mad at this point. But I kept chatting because I had nothing better to do and was curious to see what he would do next.
Despite his alleged 'understanding' he kept going on and on about how being online is not the best way to get to know someone but it's better if you can see each other, not hide behind a curtain...blah blah blah Whatever. He just wanted to know if I had gotten fat or put up fake pictures before he wasted chat time on me. I even asked him that and he said "Partly." Hmmm. I told him I would take a new picture and send it but then I couldn't get it to work, then surprise, he had to go out. He said he had fun and wanted to talk again, but yeah. I'm never going to hear from him again. Good riddance. I'm just sorry I wasted so much time writing him a letter.
Now my question to you, dear readers, is this: Am I over-reacting or was that a totally not normal response? I thought he was rude, manipulative, pushy, and . . . dare I say it, damaged?
Last week I got an email that was very bold, compared to the usual "Hi," "Nice profile", "How YOU doing?" . . .you get the idea. The most common thing I've found is that guys send some obscure random question about my profile. (BTW, not effective, it may work as a pickup line in a public place but not on email.) So this guy sent me an actual letter complimenting my tastes and saying he was very interested, I looked like just his type. Intrigued, I checked out his profile. Whoa. My first instinct was, ok, there is something horribly wrong with this man. Why did I respond so cynically? Because he looked too good. He was Mormon, 33, very very tall, good-looking, had a successful career(according to him), and came across as charming--as opposed to the usual socially awkward bloke.
Now, two of any of the above characteristics are enough to make a man prime meat in the singles ward. I learned that the hard way by dating a very tall and very good looking man. That's when I ended up in the nasty quadrangle and gossipy envy. That man had no career, and turned out to be about as dumb as dirt. Yet, women were clawing each other's eyes out for him. As I said, in my experience, a Mormon man needs only two of these golden traits to draw the women like flies on.... And here was a single guy living in Salt Lake(!!!) still single and hitting on me shamelessly. Additionally, the man had about 30 women on his profile gushing over him and obviously in love with him.
If you are familiar with these pages, then you know what I am talking about. Comments such as the following, "He is the best guy I know. He won my heart because he is so hot and fun and cool." "Any woman would be so lucky to have this man." "As soon as I can sell my trailer and move to SLC, this man is mine so back off you B's...." Ok, I made those up. But that's what those comments are like. You can gauge a man's social skills by these swooning comments, the collected broken hearts he keeps on a string. I think most of the guys can't see them for what they are, but the ones with more than 2 of the veiled love letters have got to know and are obviously playa's.
So what was this dude's story? I thought I should find out. I spent an hour Friday night writing a long, thoughtful, descriptive letter telling him about myself. It was witty, it was open, I tried to show glimpses of my soul without being an exhibitionist. Quite a letter. Why bother? I went to all that trouble despite the flashing warning sign, "He's too good to be true!!" because I thought, "maybe". Maybe there really is a super terrific man out there who has just been looking for the right woman and he hasn't found her yet because that woman is me." Please gag me with a spoon. I didn't really believe that thought, but I had nothing better to do so I went with it anyway.
After pushing the send button, I got a reply right back. He said there was so much to say but he was so lazy could we IM? Fine, I wasn't doing anything. And there, the truth was revealed. I'm blown away by the irrationality and freakiness of what I found. Usually, I am the freaky one with the bizarre and paranoid reactions. Oh, no. Not this time. I have included excerpts of our exact IM conversation(thank you archives) because I couldn't reproduce this as well. The typos were his.
Things started out normally with greetings. He complimented my pictures. I told him I took them with a webcam I got from my ex-boyfriend....
BOY: still got that came?
BOY: flip that sucker on!
ME: Not now, I look bad
BOY (10:25:53 PM): please
B: we are beyond that
Me:no, I've had some bad experiences with a webcam and guys I just met
B: sounds like it's time ot get back on the horse
I explained to him about an experience I had one night when I was chatting with someone and went to the bathroom. When I returned I was greeted by the man and a view of his goodies, while he was enjoying his goodies if you get my drift. Personally, I think that is a good reason not to let someone you don't know show you his webcam. But despite that, I really just don't like using them, I find it weird and creepy to watch someone staring at their computer. But this guy would not let it go.
BOY:I can assure you I am decentThat last bit was an exaggeration, I wasn't traumatized but this guy would not let it go. The point was, I didn't want to see his webcam. If he was so decent, why was he so hot for me to look at him? Perhaps he knew that was the best he had to offer? His pretty face. Harumph. I don't like being pushed...
B: and sober
B: andMormon
B: Can you see me?
ME: I haven't turned it on
B: why not?
B: take a look
B: see who you are talking to
ME: please, I was traumatized and I need to know you better first
BOY:so traumatized that you can;t take the risk of LOOKING at me?
B: I an PROMISE you I am not a pervert
B: try me
B: worse case scenerio - you see I am a perv, and you save all this chat
ME: worst case scenario I get another picture in my brain that I don't want...
B: siiiiiigh
B: a 30-year-old girl who si damaged
B: I've seen this movie before
Excuse me? I have damage because I don't want your face on my monitor because I don't know you?? That's what I should have said. So I'm the one with issues because I didn't do what you wanted me to?
ME: you don't get to be interesting without some scars I'm afraid
BOY: I guess so
B: I'll guess I'll just have ot try to gauge just how much atoning you'l make me do for teh sins of past guys in yoru life before I decide how good of frineds we shoudl be
ME: ouch
BOY: what can I say... I've always been drawn to interesting girls
ME: look, I don't trust the online thing. It's nothing personal
B: a lack of trust usually isn't
B: I understand
B: As I've said, I've seen this movie before
B: it's no problem
What the...? Huh? Atoning for who, what? YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW ME. I wouldn't let you watch me type, so that means I'm punishing you for what other men did to me? You're a head case--again, in hindsight that's what I should have said. And, aside from that lunacy, does any woman actually respond to that kind of thing? I was really mad at this point. But I kept chatting because I had nothing better to do and was curious to see what he would do next.
Despite his alleged 'understanding' he kept going on and on about how being online is not the best way to get to know someone but it's better if you can see each other, not hide behind a curtain...blah blah blah Whatever. He just wanted to know if I had gotten fat or put up fake pictures before he wasted chat time on me. I even asked him that and he said "Partly." Hmmm. I told him I would take a new picture and send it but then I couldn't get it to work, then surprise, he had to go out. He said he had fun and wanted to talk again, but yeah. I'm never going to hear from him again. Good riddance. I'm just sorry I wasted so much time writing him a letter.
Now my question to you, dear readers, is this: Am I over-reacting or was that a totally not normal response? I thought he was rude, manipulative, pushy, and . . . dare I say it, damaged?
Collection:
E-Love,
Flirting,
Mr. Webcam
12.16.2004
The Wrath of Blog II: Dating Policies
Read The Wrath of Blog I, here.
Blog Policies with respect to respecting the men I'm dating:
1. If it's over, and things ended badly then it's all fair game. Don't date me if you plan to be a jerk because you will end up eviscerated on here. Warts and all. Though pseudonymously. Not so much out of concern for the jerk's privacy but my own. Often, I don't want to publicize whom I've dated, many a men did not make me proud.
2. If it's over and you were good to me, I will be charitable in my posts about you. So most everything is still fair game though you won't come out looking bad. And I will try to respect shared intimate information by not writing about it. Also sticking to pseudonyms only rule.
3. If you dated me and find yourself discussed here and you don't like it, email me. I'll consider removing the posts from public eye. Whether or not I do and the degree of haste to which I comply depends on how much I still like you. (See rules 1 and 2).
4. I consider the foibles of initial courtship to be public information. Men aren't supposed to know about CitC at first but it seems that some do, due to the success of this beastly blog. Having become aware of that fact, then obviously if I like someone and we are in pursuit of each other I will make every effort not to humiliate him. However, I think almost everything people do is funny and I'm not sensitive so I may be unaware that I'm writing something embarassing. I am in fact shameless online so my boundaries may not coincide with most normal people's. In that case I would ask that the injured party email me and I will quickly remove the offensive material. (Use my personal addie for a more immediate response.)
5. Once a relationship develops, I promise to respect all requests for privacy. Until it's over. (See 1 and 2.) So if you're my boyfriend and you don't want to end up on here then you'll have to marry me. Yes, this is a bribe, my ovaries hate me.
*These policies are subject to revision and addition (some rules I had to learn along the way so I apologize for past indiscretions.)
Burn me and beware the Wrath of Blog.
Blog Policies with respect to respecting the men I'm dating:
1. If it's over, and things ended badly then it's all fair game. Don't date me if you plan to be a jerk because you will end up eviscerated on here. Warts and all. Though pseudonymously. Not so much out of concern for the jerk's privacy but my own. Often, I don't want to publicize whom I've dated, many a men did not make me proud.
2. If it's over and you were good to me, I will be charitable in my posts about you. So most everything is still fair game though you won't come out looking bad. And I will try to respect shared intimate information by not writing about it. Also sticking to pseudonyms only rule.
3. If you dated me and find yourself discussed here and you don't like it, email me. I'll consider removing the posts from public eye. Whether or not I do and the degree of haste to which I comply depends on how much I still like you. (See rules 1 and 2).
4. I consider the foibles of initial courtship to be public information. Men aren't supposed to know about CitC at first but it seems that some do, due to the success of this beastly blog. Having become aware of that fact, then obviously if I like someone and we are in pursuit of each other I will make every effort not to humiliate him. However, I think almost everything people do is funny and I'm not sensitive so I may be unaware that I'm writing something embarassing. I am in fact shameless online so my boundaries may not coincide with most normal people's. In that case I would ask that the injured party email me and I will quickly remove the offensive material. (Use my personal addie for a more immediate response.)
5. Once a relationship develops, I promise to respect all requests for privacy. Until it's over. (See 1 and 2.) So if you're my boyfriend and you don't want to end up on here then you'll have to marry me. Yes, this is a bribe, my ovaries hate me.
*These policies are subject to revision and addition (some rules I had to learn along the way so I apologize for past indiscretions.)
Burn me and beware the Wrath of Blog.
The Wrath of Blog I: Existential Justification*
*I sincerely apologize in advance for butchering Heideggerrian and Existentialist concepts. (It was meant with an attitude of being-in-funness.)
The Absurdity! I just read a new comment to my Introduction post. Here's the comment:
Fair enough. My reply:
FOR THE RECORD: IF I HAD TO CHOOSE BETWEEN A GOOD MAN OR THE BLOG, THE BLOG LOSES. As much fun as it's been, it doesn't keep me warm at night--among the other things it doesn't do. The tricky part is finding out if the man is worthy of ditching the blog.
****
Below I've written some Existentialist* justifications for my blog, in order to show that it is not creepy but an expression of my Dasein. * See the apology above for my misappropriations
In the beginning. . . Finding Purpose in Angst
1. My intention with CitC was to write stories of past dating debacles as a way to cleanse my palate of them. By purging the tales I hoped to effectively reduce my potential for bitterness.
2. This blog has provided many more hours of entertainment and satisfaction and thus fulfillment of self than most men I've dated.
3. When I began blogging I was in the throes of despair caused by the rejection of my being, yet again. I retreated into a shell of isolation as I tried to reconstruct myself. I thought I'd never date again. So I realized that there was No Future (for us! da na na nuh na!) to endanger with my present blogging.
The 'Thrown-ness' of Blog-Being and inevitable change
1. Even in exile, more life kept happening. I couldn't stop it--in spite of my Sysiphian efforts! Since moving to NYC there has constantly been some man sniffing around.
2. Because the beginnings of courtship are the most entertaining phase they make good reading. Until I am in a relationship with someone I don't owe them special loyalty (I don't even use their real names.) I feel no remorse for using the material because these romantic skirmishes are un-owned. No structure binds us to them or to each other.
3. It is a futile exercise for thin-skinned men to pursue me anyway. My caustic humor drives them away. The strong men who survive that shouldn't get scared off by anonymous internet exposure.
The contextual import of dating: Finding significance in the Other
1. Is this really so different from telling your girlfriends about your dates? I don't think so. Should I arbitrarily alienate the Stranger from this conversation? I see no reason to value my unknown blog readers less than my friends.
2. The woman 'Sex and the City' is based on wrote a newspaper column about her sex life and then she metamorphosed into a millionaire. Is that creepy? Maybe, but compared to that, my little non-profit celibate blog is an insignificant gnat.
3. Is it the content or the technology that induces more anxiety? This is how women talk about men. They discuss ALL the details of their dates then analyze them. The content is real. Or is it that the technology de-humanizes the most human of experiences and behaviors? And thereby undermines our identity as real beings? This probably disturbs the people who use words like 'creepy' to describe their anxiety over my blog.
4. Because I find myself separated by long distances from my girlfriends (Even NJ is long distance from NYC) blogging makes conversation more efficient. They can read my story in time, then call me to discuss it.
The Embeddedness: For Authenticity I face the communal whole
1. I enjoy the public discourse and attention. I've learned a lot from CitC threads, I think other people have too. In this way, I contribute to the whole of which I am a part.
2. I accept and embrace my nature as a blog whore who needs to increase traffic. Give me a break, a girl's gotta do something. My only vice is drinking caffeinated Diet Coke!! And now, I expose myself on the internet.
3. The blog is an excellent tool ready-at-hand for developing my writing skills. The public frame in which I place it forces me to take more care with the craft. I spend hours on each post fine-tuning each word. Then I get immediate reactions from readers that show me which language use works and which doesn't.
4. When I inevitably find myself unemployed upon graduation, I will need a new career or I will be left with No Exit. Writing seems a sensible second choice for one thrown into that circumstance.
The Absurdity! I just read a new comment to my Introduction post. Here's the comment:
If I were a guy (which i am) I wouldn't date you because you would write about our relationship on your blog. That's creepy. Lose the blog. Go to counselling.
Message from Anonymous
Fair enough. My reply:
Bite me. I've been in therapy my whole life. You see where that's taken me. Your counseling comment aside, thank you. It was good for me to hear and I'm sure you are not alone in that sentiment. It's probably the majority view. I appreciate that you took the time to type it because I needed to resolve my thoughts on the question of this blog's being.
FOR THE RECORD: IF I HAD TO CHOOSE BETWEEN A GOOD MAN OR THE BLOG, THE BLOG LOSES. As much fun as it's been, it doesn't keep me warm at night--among the other things it doesn't do. The tricky part is finding out if the man is worthy of ditching the blog.
****
Below I've written some Existentialist* justifications for my blog, in order to show that it is not creepy but an expression of my Dasein. * See the apology above for my misappropriations
In the beginning. . . Finding Purpose in Angst
1. My intention with CitC was to write stories of past dating debacles as a way to cleanse my palate of them. By purging the tales I hoped to effectively reduce my potential for bitterness.
2. This blog has provided many more hours of entertainment and satisfaction and thus fulfillment of self than most men I've dated.
3. When I began blogging I was in the throes of despair caused by the rejection of my being, yet again. I retreated into a shell of isolation as I tried to reconstruct myself. I thought I'd never date again. So I realized that there was No Future (for us! da na na nuh na!) to endanger with my present blogging.
The 'Thrown-ness' of Blog-Being and inevitable change
1. Even in exile, more life kept happening. I couldn't stop it--in spite of my Sysiphian efforts! Since moving to NYC there has constantly been some man sniffing around.
2. Because the beginnings of courtship are the most entertaining phase they make good reading. Until I am in a relationship with someone I don't owe them special loyalty (I don't even use their real names.) I feel no remorse for using the material because these romantic skirmishes are un-owned. No structure binds us to them or to each other.
3. It is a futile exercise for thin-skinned men to pursue me anyway. My caustic humor drives them away. The strong men who survive that shouldn't get scared off by anonymous internet exposure.
The contextual import of dating: Finding significance in the Other
1. Is this really so different from telling your girlfriends about your dates? I don't think so. Should I arbitrarily alienate the Stranger from this conversation? I see no reason to value my unknown blog readers less than my friends.
2. The woman 'Sex and the City' is based on wrote a newspaper column about her sex life and then she metamorphosed into a millionaire. Is that creepy? Maybe, but compared to that, my little non-profit celibate blog is an insignificant gnat.
3. Is it the content or the technology that induces more anxiety? This is how women talk about men. They discuss ALL the details of their dates then analyze them. The content is real. Or is it that the technology de-humanizes the most human of experiences and behaviors? And thereby undermines our identity as real beings? This probably disturbs the people who use words like 'creepy' to describe their anxiety over my blog.
4. Because I find myself separated by long distances from my girlfriends (Even NJ is long distance from NYC) blogging makes conversation more efficient. They can read my story in time, then call me to discuss it.
The Embeddedness: For Authenticity I face the communal whole
1. I enjoy the public discourse and attention. I've learned a lot from CitC threads, I think other people have too. In this way, I contribute to the whole of which I am a part.
2. I accept and embrace my nature as a blog whore who needs to increase traffic. Give me a break, a girl's gotta do something. My only vice is drinking caffeinated Diet Coke!! And now, I expose myself on the internet.
3. The blog is an excellent tool ready-at-hand for developing my writing skills. The public frame in which I place it forces me to take more care with the craft. I spend hours on each post fine-tuning each word. Then I get immediate reactions from readers that show me which language use works and which doesn't.
4. When I inevitably find myself unemployed upon graduation, I will need a new career or I will be left with No Exit. Writing seems a sensible second choice for one thrown into that circumstance.
11.07.2004
Boy Afraid, Hypothesis #2
This is healthy. I was a little angry when I wrote my last post having just been rejected by another Mormon. But I'm learning things from your comments and emails. One email in particular really shed some light on my situation. A mo' man gave me another explanation for why I have more success dating regular guys than mormons.
I suppose it should have been obvious to me but I had no idea. Having never lived in a Mormon community, I didn't know how prevalent this phenomenon was. Sure, people from Utah often seemed a little odd. But I really didn't think they were still living in the 1950s. In terms of women's liberation, mormons are some 40 or 50 years behind the rest of the nation. So I have been told. I haven't been there in 8 years and never stayed longer than a vacation so I have no firsthand knowledge of the matter. Please correct me in the comments if this is wrong.
Here's a quote from the email: "In Mormonland, guys don't have examples of strong independent women to look to. So when they see one, meet one, talk to one, or in this case read one, it throws them for a loop and since they don't expect to see this, they get insecure, and as stated earlier, guys who are insecure about something will take flight. " He also explained that in the regular world, women are now expected to run beside men. But in Mormon culture the women are still expected to watch and cheer. Clearly, if my informant is correct, then my independent ways scare off most Mormon men. I had been told this before but I never believed it because I had no way to understand that fear.
It's like someone turned the light on in my room. It all makes sense now. Every Mormon guy I have dated or was pursued by had a very strong mother. The best mo relationship of my life was had with a man whose mother was a total bada**, she even scared me. This man and I had no conflicts and our interactions with each other were the most natural and easy that I've ever experienced.
This also explains what happened with the boy from Logan. I met him online and we began a long distance relationship that was strange. After two months we got into a fight on the phone. We were discussing our politics for the first time. Of course, as a poster boy product of mormonism and Utah, he was a raging conservative. As the child of angry intellectual mormon hippies growing up on the east coast it should shock no one that I am a socialist. But it shocked him, so he proceeded to explain to me the erroroneous nature of my beliefs. Anyone who knows me right now is laughing.
We talked for a long time. It started as a good debate because he was intelligent. Except that I was winning. He was running out of things to say and growing increasingly angry. I was getting angry too. Then he told me I was "being a spoiled brat." WHAT? (he's calling me names?) I told him he was ignorant. Then we started shouting until I hung up. He called later. I expected an apology. Nope. He called to tell to me why he is in fact not ignorant and so I needed to apologize and take that back. In the interests of the relationship, I gave him an apology. Then I asked for an apology. He said he couldn't apologize because he meant what he said because it was true. I acted like a spoiled brat. He didn't want to insult me by saying something he didn't mean. EXCUSE ME???? I asked him to define 'spoiled brat' and tell me what I did to deserve the epithet, but he wouldn't do it. Surprise.
After a few days, we worked it out mostly because he was flying out to see me the following week. I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. He was so excessively insulting and condescending because he was likely not used to losing arguments to women. His mother probably coddled him and his inflated ego must have been stroked to no end by whimpering girlfriends. I decided to wait until we spent our week together to see if he could overcome it or not. But that wasn't his first sexist faux pas. He told me once that he was glad I was a virgin. I thought that was weird so I asked him why it mattered. He said, "Because I've resisted temptation and saved myself. So my wife should have been able to wait too." Shiver. So, having oral sex means that you waited and you're still a virgin buddy? Oh right, because that wasn't your fault--the girl was a horny slut and you couldn't stop her. Ok, then.
I should have known better but I really had no referential knowledge of this type of man. (I went to a women's college!) I tried anyway. He went running back to the mountains after meeting me. Good riddance, but it stung to be dumped by someone like him. The point of that story is to show why I believe my informant is correct. This guy was pure old fashioned sexism, he thought it would be exciting to date someone so 'independent' but in the end he couldn't stomach it.
Here's what I've learned:
1) The ones who run away are saving me time from having to dump them.
2) I should ask my prospective Mormon dates about their mothers and sisters.
3) I should ask them if they think it is appropriate to refer to non-virgin women as "used goods", (This woman writes about experiencing that here.)
Dare I hope that this non-women's liberation thing doesn't apply to those men from non-Mormon communities? Theoretically, my luck in NY should be better than it would be in Utah. I don't know. We have a lot of transplants here. What do you think? How different is the sample of mo men here from those living in red states--oops, I mean, more traditional places? ;-)
**Another interesting point made by my informant was this: "Do a rough count of all the guys who comment on here... I'm willing to give you 4 to 1 odds that more than
75% of them are married, and are married to strong women." That is certainly what it looks like if one reads the comments to this post and this post. Anyone want to weigh in on that issue? I think he's right.
I suppose it should have been obvious to me but I had no idea. Having never lived in a Mormon community, I didn't know how prevalent this phenomenon was. Sure, people from Utah often seemed a little odd. But I really didn't think they were still living in the 1950s. In terms of women's liberation, mormons are some 40 or 50 years behind the rest of the nation. So I have been told. I haven't been there in 8 years and never stayed longer than a vacation so I have no firsthand knowledge of the matter. Please correct me in the comments if this is wrong.
Here's a quote from the email: "In Mormonland, guys don't have examples of strong independent women to look to. So when they see one, meet one, talk to one, or in this case read one, it throws them for a loop and since they don't expect to see this, they get insecure, and as stated earlier, guys who are insecure about something will take flight. " He also explained that in the regular world, women are now expected to run beside men. But in Mormon culture the women are still expected to watch and cheer. Clearly, if my informant is correct, then my independent ways scare off most Mormon men. I had been told this before but I never believed it because I had no way to understand that fear.
It's like someone turned the light on in my room. It all makes sense now. Every Mormon guy I have dated or was pursued by had a very strong mother. The best mo relationship of my life was had with a man whose mother was a total bada**, she even scared me. This man and I had no conflicts and our interactions with each other were the most natural and easy that I've ever experienced.
This also explains what happened with the boy from Logan. I met him online and we began a long distance relationship that was strange. After two months we got into a fight on the phone. We were discussing our politics for the first time. Of course, as a poster boy product of mormonism and Utah, he was a raging conservative. As the child of angry intellectual mormon hippies growing up on the east coast it should shock no one that I am a socialist. But it shocked him, so he proceeded to explain to me the erroroneous nature of my beliefs. Anyone who knows me right now is laughing.
We talked for a long time. It started as a good debate because he was intelligent. Except that I was winning. He was running out of things to say and growing increasingly angry. I was getting angry too. Then he told me I was "being a spoiled brat." WHAT? (he's calling me names?) I told him he was ignorant. Then we started shouting until I hung up. He called later. I expected an apology. Nope. He called to tell to me why he is in fact not ignorant and so I needed to apologize and take that back. In the interests of the relationship, I gave him an apology. Then I asked for an apology. He said he couldn't apologize because he meant what he said because it was true. I acted like a spoiled brat. He didn't want to insult me by saying something he didn't mean. EXCUSE ME???? I asked him to define 'spoiled brat' and tell me what I did to deserve the epithet, but he wouldn't do it. Surprise.
After a few days, we worked it out mostly because he was flying out to see me the following week. I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. He was so excessively insulting and condescending because he was likely not used to losing arguments to women. His mother probably coddled him and his inflated ego must have been stroked to no end by whimpering girlfriends. I decided to wait until we spent our week together to see if he could overcome it or not. But that wasn't his first sexist faux pas. He told me once that he was glad I was a virgin. I thought that was weird so I asked him why it mattered. He said, "Because I've resisted temptation and saved myself. So my wife should have been able to wait too." Shiver. So, having oral sex means that you waited and you're still a virgin buddy? Oh right, because that wasn't your fault--the girl was a horny slut and you couldn't stop her. Ok, then.
I should have known better but I really had no referential knowledge of this type of man. (I went to a women's college!) I tried anyway. He went running back to the mountains after meeting me. Good riddance, but it stung to be dumped by someone like him. The point of that story is to show why I believe my informant is correct. This guy was pure old fashioned sexism, he thought it would be exciting to date someone so 'independent' but in the end he couldn't stomach it.
Here's what I've learned:
1) The ones who run away are saving me time from having to dump them.
2) I should ask my prospective Mormon dates about their mothers and sisters.
3) I should ask them if they think it is appropriate to refer to non-virgin women as "used goods", (This woman writes about experiencing that here.)
Dare I hope that this non-women's liberation thing doesn't apply to those men from non-Mormon communities? Theoretically, my luck in NY should be better than it would be in Utah. I don't know. We have a lot of transplants here. What do you think? How different is the sample of mo men here from those living in red states--oops, I mean, more traditional places? ;-)
**Another interesting point made by my informant was this: "Do a rough count of all the guys who comment on here... I'm willing to give you 4 to 1 odds that more than
75% of them are married, and are married to strong women." That is certainly what it looks like if one reads the comments to this post and this post. Anyone want to weigh in on that issue? I think he's right.
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