Where's my Op-Ed piece?!

Read this, if you can stomach it. I just found it while checking my traffic stats. Although, it says nothing new. It's also 2 weeks old, ancient in blogosphere time.
http://bycommonconsent.com/2011/01/12/the-value-of-shame-in-mormonism/

A woman wrote an Op-Ed piece for the NY Times about being 35, and a single, celibate Mormon. Then she explains why she is giving up the law of chastity. I didn't read the article. I don't need to. I know exactly what she said, because I am living it. (Hey! Where's my Op-Ed piece? I wrote about this stuff before anyone else.)  I actually got through most of the 120 or so comments. Skimming through the inane. People said exactly what you'd expect them to say. What they have said on here, what I have said, etc.  Some marrieds criticized the woman for being too whiny. Singles sympathized. People discussed the disenfranchisement of singles in the church, blah, blah, blah. 

I was quoted. I'd like to respond to a responder to my quote. 

danithew Says: 
January 13, 2011 at 6:23 a
CitC had a 7/22/2009 post titled “My Little Corner of the World” in which she wrote some pretty profound things, I think:

“I do need to say that I am still fully committed to living the gospel and the law of chastity. I do not resent it anymore. I do not feel like it has caused me any suffering. Quite the opposite. I see how much suffering it prevented. It’s an instant jerk-not-worth-your-time-man revealer. Tell the man you won’t sleep with him and see what happens. His character shines through, like a light or a stain. When he runs, thank the Lord you escaped a hideous relationship with that one. Really. How many bad relationships go on and on because the two are entangled in a physical affair? Masking the problems in their relationships with sex. How many people married the wrong person because they were so enamored with the sex, only to pay the price later? Not me. Thank you Jesus. I’m lonely and bruised, but…. so much better than I would have been. It has blessed me. I can’t speak for others. I see now how fragile I was. How devastating sexual affairs with abusive men would have been. The non-sexual ones were bad enough. My injured soul attracted vultures. That couldn’t have been otherwise. What I was spared certainly could have been.”

Here was the comment in response:

Anon (from #10) Says:
January 13, 2011 at 9:06 am
17 – thanks for pointing out the CitC is accessible again. I’ve always liked her writing and her life experiences. The paragraph quoted makes some really good points – the law of chastity can and does protect us from harmful and unhealthy relationships. However, it does so in the same way that abstaining from eating food will protect us from food poisoning, or abstaining from ever leaving our houses will protect us from drive-by shootings. Obviously she is happy with her decision to remain celibate, and I congratulate her, Ardis and others who find joy therein. Ms. Hardy description of her celibate lifestyle includes the words “spiraling further into a disconnected life, feeling abandoned, being discounted.” I felt the same.

Sure the law of chastity prevented me from some bad relationships in my teens and 20s, but it did so by preventing me from having relationships at all. Common sense and taking great care with one’s dating choices can also prevent bad relationships and heartbreak.

I mostly agree with Anon. Except when she states that I am happy in my decision to remain celibate.  That was and is not the case.  I resigned myself to it and gave up the anger.  That's a far cry from happiness.  I wrote that post in 2009 after having just escaped what could have been the most disastrous relationship of my life.  When I finally cut off all contact with him, I was relieved.  I was in the process of learning to be content with my life and myself and my choices. And that post is where the process led.  I haven't lost that bit of growth, I'm not angry.  But the resignation is difficult.  Things aren't so simple.

Anon makes a good point that celibacy can exclude good relationships as well as the bad.  Shortly after writing that post, I met a wonderful non-Mormon, the best man I've ever dated, who was willing to date me sans sex.  It didn't last very long.  We probably would have lasted a lot longer if we were having sex.  Because of his romantic and sexual history, our lack of sex hurt him.  Things are not simple when it comes to sex and relationships for people over 30. Anyone who is single past that age has been damaged and has emotional baggage.

Add to that the fact that for the majority of non-religious men, asking them to date you without sex is ridiculous.  They spent their entire adult lives having romantic sexual relationships, and loving someone without sex is unimaginable to them.  They don't even know how to do it.  After I told one man about the chastity thing, he said we couldn't date because sex was too much a part of the way he fell in love.  I think that is true for most men.  Of course it's not necessary, but why would someone want to bother with that when they can go out and find someone else who puts out?  It doesn't make much sense for them, so they don't get involved with the "nice" LDS girl. 

Losing my last relationship over chastity seriously hurt my testimony.  I've had a very rough year.  I've been closer to giving up the church than I have ever been in my life.  More and more, it feels like the church and the gospel are separate things.  I have problems with the church's politics, culture, and some of the GAs.  And then there is going to church, it feels like an alternate universe filled with strange people who have strange lives that I cannot relate to; and they are running an organization that feels like it has nothing to do with me.  It's kind of like visiting a new school and sitting in on a class for one day, you can't really follow what's going on because you haven't been there-- and all the other kids are looking at the weird new kid. 

It's hard to remember why I'm doing this to myself, living by these rules and dragging myself to the torture of church.  But I do remember. I made a covenant and I love my God.  Yet, I don't believe I will ever be truly happy while single and alone.  Under my current circumstances, I am not likely to ever marry, either LDS or non-LDS.  So, am I willing to condemn myself to a single life of solitude and sadness for my faith?  That's a hard thing to ask of someone, and it seems unfair.  So, yeah, I get why the sister who wrote the essay gave it up after she turned 35.  I'm not sure she should have announced that to the whole world, but I blog so I'm one to talk.  I'm also turning 35 soon.  I don't know where my life is going, but it needs to go some place else. 

Sweet Single LIfe (Re-run)

I wanted to lighten things up around here. This is a re-run from 2005.  I'd like to see what readers enjoy about their single lives, so leave a comment and let us know. 

These are things that give marrieds reason to envy singles.  Here's a happy list of non-sucking things in my life that I may possibly miss if I ever get married: (In no particular order)

1.  I answer to no one. I do whatever I want whenever I want.
2. I stay up late without bothering anyone, I wake up late because no one wakes me up.
3. Saturday mornings, (on the rare occasions I get up early enough) are for eating Lucky Charms or Count Chocula AND chocolate covered donuts while watching cartoons. My favorite is X-Men. Yu-Gi-Oh actually grew on me though I despised it at first. I've learned to appreciate it's wonderful badness.
4. I can travel at a moment's notice without inconveniencing anyone.
5. Body hair is my own private business and what I do or don't do with it is no one else's concern. [A man told me that women who are looking for boyfriends don't share my attitude. I scoffed at this person since he had just been kissing me.]
6. No stress regarding other people. I only have my own problems to worry about.
7. No contention in my home life. [Sometimes the cats need a scolding but they rarely shout back.]
8. My poverty is my problem. There's no guilt for making other people live on stale bagels, eggs and beans.
9. The remote control is ALL mine, pity the man who ever tries to take it from me.
10. I don't have to listen to bad music in my own home.
11. If I skip church, low guilt factor, I'm not preventing other souls the inspiration or enlightenment that church should provide.
12. I spend my money at will.  If I need new shoes more than groceries or a metrocard, then I buy new shoes.
13. Complete unpredictability of my life. Anything can happen at anytime. I can't even say where I'll be in 6 months. I love that.
14. I have time to devote to my friends. If one is in crisis, I can drop everything to rush to their aid because I don't have other responsibilities in the way.
15. When I feel lazy, I can have a can of pringles for dinner instead of bothering with real food and washing dishes.
16. There's no one to disappoint other than myself.
17. I can leave my clean clothes out for a week, putting away one class of item per day (Today it was underwear, tomorrow maybe socks or shirts.)
18. Total professional freedom. If I got a job in London then I can go to London.
19. There's no man saying  "Is it that time of the month?" because he doesn't like what I'm doing or saying.
20. I don't have to do other people's laundry. (Although I will marry the man who will do mine.)
21.  Food experiments in tupperware that got forgotten are allowed to blossom and grow of their own volition. --when I discover it, rather than cleaning the foul thing, I throw it out tupperware and all. (this is actually why I stopped buying tupperware.)
22. My family is the only family I have to deal with, no in laws or other such scary things.
23. No man pee on the bathroom floor or around the seat (except when some people have guests over but that's not often enough to be a problem.)  Really men, how hard is it to aim?
24. I don't get big callings at church, I can disappear into the walls if I so choose.
25. I can go to sleep with my music playing.
26. No sharing of MY closet.
27. Never worrying that maybe I could have done better, or maybe I made the worst mistake of my life, or this other person might betray me and destroy my life.
28. Maybe I snore and maybe I don't. But no one else is snoring in my bed.
29. I'm the only one losing my stuff. 
30. If I hate my life I can change everything.
31. No sacrifices to kids/babies/mortgages/someone else's career
32. There's no end to the drama
33. My problems only hurt me.
34. I don't have to watch movies I don't like.  
35. No one complains if I spend the entire weekend in my PJs eating pizza and watching TV or playing video games.
36. I can sing badly as loudly as I want all day long.
37. I can dance around the house as naked as I please whenever I please. (hopefully, in a good marriage that won't change).

(For the record, I wrote this in my 20s, so I have grown out of some of these-- especially the food. I might eat an apple pie from Yaffa's for breakfast-- BEST breakfast ever--but I try to lay off the lucky charms.)

WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE SINGLES' THINGS?

Dear Celibate: Divorced part 2, Staying Positive

Dear Divorced in the North,

You had a 2 part question, so I've split these up.(see part 1 here or below)

How do you avoid being negative and bitter?  It plagues singles. The dark nights. Endless disappointment and broken hearts. Hopelessness. It's enough to make one very negative.  Bitter is a good word for it.

Forgive.  Forgive yourself.  Forgive the world, fate, the church, women, and your ex.  Bitterness develops from suppressed anger, anger projected outward to others.  Don't blame everything and everyone, or anyone, for your circumstances. Accept responsibility for your life.  YOU made your bed.  There were outside factors, but you could have chosen otherwise. Then forgive yourself.  Love yourself.

When you love yourself, you know you're lovable.  Which makes you lovable. And attractive.

Accepting responsibility for our lives is empowering.  Knowing you have control means you are not a victim of the world.  That means you have power over yourself and your life.  It feels bad at first to blame ourselves, that's when you need to self-forgive.  Then, you're able to take control of your destiny.  You know you can DO SOMETHING about it.  You can get on with changing things, fixing your life and getting rid of the garbage. Taking action creates hope, it breeds confidence.  So, do something for yourself already!

Once you take control without anger, you become a more positive and attractive person.  Good things will come to you.

Love,
JL

Dear Celibate: Divorced in the North

Dear Celibate,

I am 31, divorced and with a child that I see every other weekend and on special occasions. I am very active in the Church, there wasn't any abuse or adultery or anything like that. Simply put we married way young and I never loved her and married due to the pressure of my various influences. Anyways friends were telling me to get out of it even before we got engaged. In fact I wrote a blog about it.

My friend who is a girl read it and said I come across as negative but how do I be positive about this situation enough to attract a girl is my question. I don't want to be what girls scrape the bottom of the barrel to get but sometimes that's my thoughts.  I'm what people would settle for. Any clues? Thanks!

--Divorced in the north

Dear Divorced,

Your problem is universal to all singles, 'How do we stay positive and attractive?'  First, you are NOT the bottom of the barrel!  You actually have some advantage over never-marrieds.

Here's what makes you a catch:

• You've gone 'all the way': Committed to marriage. It says you are capable of real commitment. Maybe you're more scared because of the divorce, but you did it once. It implies you can do it again.
•  Maturity: Having been married with a child means you are more mature than the others.  Women REALLY dig maturity.
• Housebroken: Your ex-wife already trained you.  You've been broken from nasty bachelor habits. No more peeing in the shower, dripping pee on the toilet and floor, hairs in the sink, moldy dirty dishes, smelly apartment, greasy pizza box piles, dirty refrigerator, ugly decorating, old furniture from the curb, etc. She already did the work so the next one won't have to.
• Experience: Let's tell the truth. You've had sex. You have skills that never-married temple-worthy men do not (virgins).  That means you won't have an awful fumbling wedding night, and the clumsy months after that.  Women do think about it.  It's a BIG plus in your favor.
• Less suspicion (sometimes): Single men over 30 are wondered about. People wonder what's wrong with them. The assumption being that there must be something wrong with a single man in the church. Having been married, this suggests you may be more normal.  HOWEVER, you do have to deal with divorce stigma. As a single woman, I worry more about older never marrieds for the reasons above.  But, be prepared early on to explain your divorce.  I suggest you spend more time becoming friends with women before asking them out. Show them you're a nice guy. And, this could give you an opportunity to explain the divorce beforehand.

You should hold your head up high and carry yourself with confident swagger (btw--also sexy). You have a lot to bring to the table.  Divorce doesn't mean you're leftovers. Remember that.

(See Part 2)

 Love,JL

Feed My Sheep: The Church Singles' Crisis II

You see us sometimes, on some Sundays. The days we actually go. The adult singles . You see one person sitting alone here or there among the pews. Mostly, they go unnoticed. They don’t have squirming, screaming babies to draw your attention. They didn’t have play group with you last week. They’re not in the bishopric. A single might teach your children in primary, or gave a particularly memorable talk once, so his or her name you might know.

A small number of brave and faithful singles (divorcees and widows included) fight the good fight in your congregation; they who try to immerse themselves in the ward. Who tried to fit in, to participate, be a good saint and make the Lord proud. And yet, she or he probably went home after church, had dinner for one, made a few phone calls, and fell asleep alone, again. Crying. In fervent prayer. Unnoticed.

Those brave souls try to ignore the patronizing comments, the looks, the judgment and exclusion they get every week at church. They try not to let it make them feel bad and hurt their self-confidence. They try not to dwell on the endless disappointment of dating and not dating. They try hard. Week, after bloody week. Year, after year. They pray, they read the scriptures, they are righteous and obedient. Most have only the Holy Ghost to comfort them. They can survive that way. But they will not thrive. Without love, support, and inclusion, they wither. A loving community(family) of others is essential for each human success.

That handful of valiant singles in your ward are the exception. (And most of them have likely been inactive at one time. Or, they have supportive families nearby.) The other 90% of our single adults (over age 30) could not keep up the fight by themselves. The world took them. They’ve left the church officially or they just slipped away. Recent converts are especially vulnerable. There are common reasons why single adults go inactive. Many of those reasons have to do with the institutions, the communities, and the lack of marriage prospects. The singles have no control over those things. We cannot continue to place all the blame for this latter day apostasy on them.

Over and over again, the singles are told that they have to be stronger, stalwart, unshakable, invulnerable. They are told it is not the job of the church to emotionally or socially support them. No? Then whose job is it?

We have not lost one sheep, dear saints, we have lost the whole flock. When the entire group goes missing, whose fault is it? Is it possible for the flock to be filled to 90% with weak, errant, rebellious, or less worthy sheep? No, of course not. When the whole flock is lost, the problem is not with them. The problem is with their shepherds and the ranch. When the whole flock is lost, it means there is something wrong with the system.

What kind of shepherd loses 90% of his flock then goes home grumbling about his crummy sheep? When the master asks him to account for his flock, can the shepherd stand proudly and say, ‘They left, Lord, because they were weak.’? What will his Master say in return? Won't it be akin to “No. They needed you. You didn’t feed them. You didn’t keep them safe. You gave them no reason to trust you and follow you home."

Christ commanded us to be good shepherds. But the wolves are now gorging on the feast of our singles. The ones we so complacently sent to pasture with an admonishment to be stronger and pray more.  They are standing in the enemy’s storm with no partner, no family, and little to no church support. They are lonely, rejected, and tired. That was not the Lord’s plan. Do you think you could withstand the storm of the world raging against you and your testimony if you were alone? Are you that strong?  Very few are. And the Master is weeping.

I hope someday our singles will find warm shelter among their loving brothers and sisters. Maybe someday we will seek them out and bring them home. I pray it won't take too long for us to be more diligent and keep the wolves at bay.

I Am Not Single. I Am on Vacation

Being on vacation is awesome.  Being unemployed is painful and depressing.  I've decided to take a summer vacation, not be unemployed.  The two concepts have few differences.  In both cases: I don't have to get up early in the morning, I have few responsibilities, and my time is my own.  Whether I feel good or bad about it depends on the way I define my situation.  I choose vacation and awesomeness, not unemployment and misery.  Because, the way we define our state absolutely affects how we feel about it.

I think this applies to my single status as well.  I am not in a relationship.  But,  I do not feel single either.  I am on vacation from my relationships, in between them.  The two are very similar: no relationship obligations, no stress over relationship status, no worries about someone else, no answering to anyone, no disagreements or misunderstandings, and, no hurt feelings.  Awesomeness.  (This is not say there are not really sucky things about being single, only that we don't have to feel so bad about it.)  Being on vacation is better than being single because: vacations are temporary, they're fun, good for one's emotional health, voluntary, and  most importantly, they imply the existence of something from which we are taking a break.  Vacation implies the existence of a relationship.  This is a vast improvement over singleness which can feel interminable and involuntary, with a dash of inferiority.

My friend complained of waking up to "single suckhood".  I know what that's like.  But I'm not feeling it right now.  I'm sad about my break-up but not about my circumstances.  I don't really feel single.  I feel between relationships.  So, I know the label "Single" creates more yuckiness than is necessary. It's the connotation of incompleteness, single as opposed to whole.  Being incomplete, there is something wrong with my life, and wrong with me.  In addition to that, we're surrounded by negative judgments and we absorb the negativity.

"Poor girl, still single."

"Don't worry, the Lord will reward you in the eternities."

"I sure feel sorry for her, not getting to be a mother."

"There must be something wrong with him, he's single."

"He's failing his responsibility as a man by not getting married."

"They're single, but by no fault of their own." 

We've all heard these at church.  We believe them, often, we put them on ourselves.  If you're single, those words probably make you ill.  Why? Because they mean that your life is less than.  Sometimes, people think they are comforting you with these words.   But they're not because the implications sting:  it means that they think you need comforting simply because you are single.  And because this kind of thinking leads to destructive ruminations: I am an object of pity.  My life is tragic.  I deserve to be rewarded for suffering my terrible life.   I need to wait for another person before my life is valid.  I am nothing without children.  Being single is a failing.  I am not a real man.   So, of course being 'single' makes us feel bad.  These conclusions are wrong.  I have decided to free myself from them.  I don't have to define myself that way.  I'm on vacation.

   

We've heard this before, we should stop thinking negatively and we'll be happier.   This may sound like the same pablum regularly served up to us, "You should enjoy being single,"  "You'll miss it later",  "Stop feeling sorry for yourself" .  . .  blah, blah.  Despite being well-meant, and bless their hearts for trying, that doesn't help either.  The only thing they mean is that you should stop feeling bad.  I'd love to stop feeling bad!   But, how?  Sometimes we're told,  "Don't give up", or "Stay busy".  Great.  But that doesn't really work.  Staying busy distracts you from negative thoughts.  Which is good, but it doesn't change the way you define yourself.  And no matter how busy you are, you still have to go to bed at night, and lie there alone and in silence.  That's when it really haunts you.  Especially the long lonely nights when you can't sleep.   I am single.  There is something wrong with me. No. There is not.

There is nothing wrong with me.  My life is not incomplete, nor lacking.  I have challenges, just like everyone else.  Consider this parallel: I am not wealthy.  I would like to be.  Some things in my life would be easier if I were.  But this doesn't make my life incomplete, or wrong.  (Despite the propaganda from American Consumerism.)  I made the choices that brought me to this financial state.  I wouldn't change most of those decisions.  Being broke stinks, but it is not a measure of my value as a human being.  It's the consequence of certain circumstances and bad luck, it is not a condemnation.

Likewise, I am single because of bad luck and, as a result of certain circumstances and choices I've made.  I didn't go to BYU.  I didn't move to Utah.  I pursued my education and career instead of men.  I chose not to pretend to be like women that Mormon men prefer.  I rejected the men who wanted to marry me because I knew we wouldn't be happy.  I chose to stay faithful to my religion.   I wouldn't change any of that.  And, for a long time, I wasn't ready.  I had a lot of issues to deal with.   I own the responsibility for all of this.  I am not a victim.  That this is taking so long,  is probably where bad luck comes in.  Such is life.  The point is, singleness is not a condemnation. 

So, I will not think of myself as single and sorry.  I am on a relationship vacation. 

The Impossible (more single complications)

"Look, all the light's gone out of your pretty face, just like it's gone out of George." *

My mind and heart are divided against themselves. Conflicting desires, the cold steely knife of reason, and the ache of longing and regret all swirl around inside me. I lost the best relationship and the best man I've ever had because I'm Mormon. That wasn't the only reason, but it was primary. Otherwise, we would have lasted much longer. He wouldn't have been so fatalistic about our future. And if there had been sex, he wouldn't have broken up with me when he did. The truth is, unless a man is looking for a wife, there's no reason for him to pursue a Mormon woman.

The other men I lost for that reason were no loss. They weren't worth my time. This one, was different. Very different. No one else ever treated me so well in all my life. He had everything I wanted in a man, and more, he is: passionate, witty, intellectual, smolderingly sexy, talented, affectionate, and geeky and dark in all the right ways. He was my bespectacled Smiths boy. We loved the same kinds of things, music, movies and our nerdy stuff. I liked his novels and stories, he liked talking about my work. Our oddness was perfectly suited for one another. Being with him was . . . there wasn't enough time in a day.

Also unlike the others, he liked all of me. I wasn't his trophy. He really loved me. He loved everything about me, everything except the Mormon thing. The Mormon and celibacy thing. Can that kind of difference be worked out? Others have done it. Many have not. I wanted to try. He thought it was impossible, "We're too different."
"Not really. We're completely compatible, except for religion."
"That's big."
Sigh . . . "I suppose."

So, he ended it and went away.

Reluctantly. Torn. Hurting.

As for me, "I won't be okay and I won't pretend I am." **

How am I supposed to deal with this? Everything inside me screams at me to give it up and go be with him. But I can't. I made promises to God. A God I cannot see nor touch. My commitment to those promises has to compete with the most visceral and real of human experiences, that of loving another, a person I can see and touch. Someone I miss so much it makes my body hurt. And as I miss him, I have to remember my promises, recommit to them even. I have to fight myself in order to keep my resolve against the other parts of me, the parts that hurt. This sends me through combinations of sadness, anger, longing, love, hurt, regret, denial, confusion, and grief. Those feelings are normal for a serious break-up, but the religion aspect adds layers of emotional complication. Because something good in my life got tangled up with something really bad. Because I loved that man, but I also love my God.

Sometimes, when I let my mind drift, I think about how much easier it would be to give in. Give up the fight and go back to him. Let him love me the way he wants to. But, I can't. I can't because I know what I know. I can't deny the life that I've had, a lifetime of being loved by my God. For as long as I can remember, He loved me, always, when no one else did. He was there and I knew it. I survived my childhood solely because of that relationship. Without it, I would have killed myself, really. That was the one thing that kept me from putting a blade through my veins. How can I ever turn my back on that? I will not. Not for anyone. Not for a man I love, and not for myself.

Regardless, I'm wise enough to know that renouncing my religion would not save the relationship. It would forever come between us. I'd always resent him for it and he'd always feel guilty. That alone is enough to destroy a relationship. And, no one should sacrifice themselves, who they are, for a relationship. That's what I would be doing. It would create an imbalanced and unhealthy partnership, doomed from the start.

Still, part of me yearns to give in anyway. The foolish and physical parts want my will to break. Luckily, I am stronger than that. (Luckily? Really?) So I keep clinging to my resolve. And I try to comfort myself. I remember to believe that this too shall pass, that my feelings will fade.  I'm just not sure how long it will take, or how to clear away the emotional sludge. I really hope it goes away. There is nothing I can do now but wait.

Logically, I know I could find someone else, somewhere there must be someone who will accept all of this, who will accept me. But, right now, I don't want someone else. I can't imagine anyone I would like more. It's him. He's the one I want to be with. He is so extraordinary and wonderful, and it took me 34 years to find him.  Yes, there will be more men. They've already come back and are crawling around. But, since I couldn't work these things out with him, I wonder if I ever will with anyone.  It feels impossible, like this kind of goodness will never happen again.

"There's only one thing impossible, that is to love and to part." 

*--Mr. Emerson, A Room With a View

**--Snow Patrol, "Just Say Yes" (Download)

**NOTE: To those concerned commentors, thank you. But I absolutely did not give up, I tried to fight for us. HE BROKE UP WITH ME. I wanted to keep going.

Single Complications

Married life is complicated. Granted. Not being married, I don't have to deal with raising children, complex budgets and schedules, living with other people and all the other tangible complications of having a family. But, not having to deal with those complexities does not make my life simple. Regarding tangibles, yes, it is simple. I only have to take care of myself. I have far fewer responsibilities. However, it's the things you don't see that make single lives complicated. I am not suggesting my life is harder than anyone else's, it isn't. But my life and those of other singles are as hard as everyone else's. Some married people seem to think otherwise. They're wrong.

For example, what seems a simple act, getting myself to church on Sunday is anything but simple. I don't have to drag kids out of bed or get them fed and dressed. But, the difficulty is psychological. Because I know it makes me feel bad to go to church. Sometimes I go home in tears because it's the loneliest place in the world. But, I also know it's good for me. In general, my life runs more smoothly when I attend. For whatever reason, it makes me better equipped to handle my problems. (It's also healthy for the physical brain to spend a few hours each week thinking of positive and spiritual things. It improves brain function) So, I know I need to go. I need to demonstrate my faith by making the effort to attend. In other words, if I don't go, I feel bad. And, if I do go, I feel bad.

In the long run, it's better to suck it up and go to church, it ultimately reduces my suffering. In the short term, it's very hard. There have been years of my life when I couldn't force myself to do it. For three years straight I set my alarm clock every Sunday but never made it. Sometimes I'd get so far as to dress, a few times I even drove half-way there only to turn around and go home. The whole production of getting myself to church is a battle between my ego and my superego. On a drowsy Sunday morning, after going out on Saturday night, my Superego is usually sleeping. Which means I shut the alarm off, roll over and join it.

Another psychological complication of being single is the simple act of seeking comfort after a bad day. How does a 30-something single cheer herself up? We all have our tricks: eat ice cream, watch bad tv, go shopping, escape on the computer. Those things work for a minute, as a distraction. In the end they are empty and the temporary comfort passes quickly. You can visit your friends or call them to talk, that works better. But, people are busy. And they get tired of hearing about it. They have more important things to do, like feed their kids.

As friends get married and multiply, you lose your backup support. They start to say things like, "Why can't you just get over it?" and, "You'll feel better if you get a life." They forget what it was like to be alone. Then it gets harder to make that call. So you learn it's easier, simpler, to indulge in your distractions instead: over-eat, take a bath, go to bed. Often, those things make you feel worse. But trying to do something to really make yourself feel better is too hard.

The worst part of being single is the complex horror show that is modern dating. Enough said. Oh, and worse than that, the relationship, made more complicated if inter-religious.

Try having a serious romantic relationship with a person who doesn't believe in your religious chastity laws. That's complicated. You have to explain. You have to convince him you're not crazy, just weird. You have to draw a line, a line that gets moved. Then you have to try to move the line backwards (good luck). You have to negotiate the non-negotiable. You have to police your activities and be the prude -- un-fun for everyone! Feelings and egos get bruised. Rejection. Resentment. Conflict. All of this results from the simple and natural act of showing affection.

As the relationship progresses and emotions deepen, it gets even more complicated. Eventually, kissing begins to suck. And not in a good way. This leads to an Id, Ego, and Superego war: This feels good, now it feels bad; I want to, I can't; I shouldn't, we shouldn't. Then, come the regrets: I hurt him.   It went too far.  How do I make him understand I'm not rejecting him?  That I do want him? How far is too far? Do I need to repent for that? I am 34, after all. This is humiliating, for both of us.

The hardest thing for me lately has been the loss of the best relationship I've ever had. Mostly, I lost him for the sake of my religion. What is that like emotionally?  Messy.  Awful. Embittering.  It's all swirling around inside my head and my heart . . . anger, confusion, grief, love, desire., faith.  What I want and don't want, and what I want to want and don't want to want.  I  want to love him.   I need a loving relationship.  He's a good man.  I want to give.  It's not so simple.  I made covenants with God not to. 

I am suffering for my faith.  Do marrieds have to do that?

MORE Single Complications

Post Script: Why No Single Bishops

In response to my last post, 'Why No Single Bishops', my friend told me that you have to be a High Priest to be bishop.  No one is a High Priest until he has taken all the temple covenants, including marriage.  I suppose there is a doctrinal reason for this.  Can someone explain it to me?  It seems unnecessary.  Because someone was not lucky enough to find a person to marry, and that excludes him from priesthood powers, is unjust.  Unjust admittance requirements to the priesthood class have been changed before, so we know these rules are not necessarily eternal.  Or, are they?  Please tell me if I'm wrong, and why.

His second point was that most single men over 30 go inactive.  So there is not a large pool from which to choose if they were allowed.  

Maybe they wouldn't all go inactive if they didn't feel so excluded and marginalized.  If the single men felt more significant, and were treated the same way the married men are, I'm guessing there would be more active single men.  It's extremely difficult to be an adult in the real world, treated as an adult 6 days a week, and then go to church on Sunday to be treated as less than.  When you're 35, and married 24-year-olds are shown more respect and given more power than you have, it can rub one raw.  It makes church even more unpleasant and difficult for the singles.

Additionally, if more single men were active, there would be more men for the single women at church, and this could increase the rate of marriage.  It's win-win for everyone to include single men in the high priesthood.  I know church policies are supposed to be written by revelation and not reason.  But, the church is also a cultural institution, out-dated practices like polygamy and institutional racism were eliminated.  Marriage is no longer a given for all adults.  Maybe some real changes are in order to recognize the current conditions of our society.  A repair rather than a temporary band-aid.

Maybe it's sacrilegious of me to say this.  But I think it needs saying out loud by someone.  I'll take back my words if someone can explain the absolute doctrinal necessity of this exclusion.  How does High Priesthood depend on the marriage covenant?  And/or why is High Priesthood necessary for the bishop?     

Why No Single Bishops?

Has anyone ever known a Ward Bishop who was unmarried?  Is it some unofficial standard or an written rule?  Because there is definitely marriage discrimination happening.  I have never encountered a  bishop who was single.  Nor have I ever seen a single in the Bishopric, except for the ward clerk, of course.  They like sticking single men with that job. 

I complained to my mother about this, because it's unfair.  She said she understood it. Because bishops have access to vulnerable people and know everyone's private affairs.  She wouldn't trust a single man in that position.  Also, there are so many experiences of marriage that he  couldn't understand.  At first I nodded, it made sense.  Then, as I thought about it, the less sense it made and I got annoyed. 

First of all, a single man is no more likely to sin with a vulnerable ward member than is a married man.  The married bishops have the same access and opportunity for sin as does a single man.  The inferences made by my mother and most others are obvious: A righteous single man is not sexually satisfied, so, therefore, he is more likely to commit a sexual sin with a member.  Ummm, want to take a guess as to how many bishops are sexually satisfied?  I guarantee it is not 100%.  Regardless, one's personal sexual frustration has nothing to do with whether or not one decides to sin.  The rain falls on marrieds and singles alike.  Temptation is there for all us.  Marriage doesn't give you a pass.  And, human beings can control their libidos, even the unsatisfied ones.  This ability separates us from the animals. 

The times I have been tempted to sin sexually, had nothing to do with my level of physical frustration.  Usually, it's the opportunity which creates the temptation.  Both a single or a married bishop would have the same opportunities.  In fact, the single bishop might have fewer because people would be less trusting.  Besides, giving a man opportunity does not mean he will automatically sin, even one who is sexually frustrated.  Men are not animals, it's insulting to infer such.  Neither is it fair to say a single man would be more tempted than a married man given the same opportunities.  Single men have plenty of opportunity outside the church, and one who is worthy to be bishop, certainly knows how to resist sexual temptation.  If anything, a married man is less practiced at 'just saying no', and therefore, more vulnerable.

Point #2.  True, single men cannot understand all the experiences of married adults.  It is also true that a married man cannot understand all the experiences of married women.  True again that a married man cannot understand the lives of single men or women.  I don't see why one group, married men, should be privileged to have a bishop who can relate to them above all others.  That is unfair.  Unfair, and one more inequality plaguing the singles.  So what? Why does it make any difference? Well. 

For example, my new bishop made condescending remarks to me because of my single status.  One day, he called me a 'young adult', despite my being his age or possibly older.  When I asked him not to call me 'young', he said it didn't mean anything, he "thinks of all of you as 'young adults'."  Yes, exactly. You believe we're not real grown-ups because we're not married.  As if my life experiences  don't count as much as yours.  He has said other things too that a single man would neither say nor think.  This won't shake my faith, but it makes me uncomfortable to be around him.  This puts me at a spiritual disadvantage.  I am disinclined to seek his counsel or help when needed, because I don't believe he can really see me.  Unfair. 

Some of you may be thinking, 'All bishops are blessed with the priesthood and the guidance of the spirit in their stewardship over their members, so a married bishop can be just as much a shepherd for the singles as the marrieds.  Because the spirit makes it so.  Ok, then.   If that is true, given that logic, then a single man can be just as much a shepherd as can a married man.   If you believe in the priesthood, then you should believe that an unmarried bishop will have the same guidance as the others.   

Talk to a single man at church, a real conversation, and you'll see how impressively strong and faithful they can be.  It's hard out here for a single.  We have to be as unwavering as a concrete block wall. It is time for bishop marital status discrimination to end.  

Discuss.  Would you be averse to an unmarried bishop? Why? Do you think it makes a difference?

The Good Book

More than once, in personal blessings, I have been told to search the scriptures for answers to all my 'pertinent questions'. I was promised I would find answers there, and could use this gift to plan my life. I haven't made much use of it. It seemed so general and obvious, even dubious. But it was repeated, I was meant to notice and remember.

While lying in bed recently, I did remember. Because I find myself at a crossroads, again, my future weighs heavy in my thoughts. I have to decide what I want for the rest of my life, given where I am right now. I do not have the life I wanted and planned for. The world is not my oyster as I once believed. I need new plans, new dreams. That night, I considered my single state. I knew I had to let go of my expectation for a marriage and family. This was it for me. I needed to see my future as a single woman. That way, I could make the plans necessary to find some happiness. First, however, I had to do the letting go. Which hurts. It's a sad thing to lose a dream.

I tried to look forward to what my single life could be, where I might find joy and fulfillment. Maybe I could adopt children some day, if I ever had the means and maturity; become a work-a-holic and master of my career, maybe pick up a new career or two; write books, be an amazing friend, a loving aunt, learn to play the cello like a pro, join a Masters Swim team, travel more, and volunteer for everything. Then, when done with that, I could consume the rest of my time with genealogy. This was really great stuff. One should be able to live a fulfilling life alone, if she put in the work. And, yet. This rumination did nothing for my mood.

The road ahead still looked desolate. I could fill my time with worthwhile, good things, but I couldn't imagine it would fill my heart. I've accomplished a great deal in life already. By myself. In the end, it always felt empty. I learned early that these things won't bring me peace. So, despite my best efforts to comfort myself that night, I continued to wallow in pity. Then I remembered my blessing, promising that I could find answers in the scriptures.

I looked over at my worn-out seminary Bible on the bedside table. I thought, "Ha! Answer this. I challenge you to make me feel better about my single future. Tell me how to be happy about it, or at least, how to feel content." I wiped off my tears, reached over and picked up the Good Book. Full of spiteful energy, I murmured that I would not suffer inane advice to taunt me. And I wouldn't let the book fall open either, I would open it exactly where I left off the night before. I would read my 3 chapters and see if the Spirit showed me an answer. Good luck with that.

I felt quite smug, until I finished the first chapter. It was completely irrelevant but then I flipped the page. Oh. Hmm. I had finished one book and faced the title of the next, The Book of Ruth. Well. Ruth. I remembered her story. If any book in the Bible could answer my question, it might actually be this one. Instantly humbled, I repented my attitude and started reading.

more to come . . . HERE

A Baker's Dozen in Diapers

12 babies, I counted 12 babies in sacrament meeting at church today. And those were just the ones I could see from the back row. There had to be more that I couldn't see. We also have 6 openly pregnant woman, all of whom currently have babies. Church is beginning to feel like Gymboree.


I know there are distinctions between toddlers and infants, etc. But if it wears diapers, I'm calling it a baby. "Baby"= a non-verbal, non-house trained mini human being. One man told me today that he was lodging a formal complaint against the noise in sacrament, that he was fed up with the parents who chat and coo over each other, and let their babies loose. It was too noisy and he was going to change wards if something wasn't done. He was serious.


It doesn't bother me enough change wards, babies are ubiquitous in Mormonland. Still, I wish someone would tell these people that everyone does not think it's cute when their spawn goes hobbling down the aisle sputtering goldfish crumbs (because Cheerios are passe')? They let their babies wander, climb, cry... And the babies gather to pick each other's noses and throw goldfish while making primitive sounds. The only thing their parents do is look at each other over the mass of babies, and smile, as if to say, 'that's so cute, they're friends'. Yeah, except for that big one who is hitting the little one on the head with a toy.


Today, while I was trying to ponder the mysteries of the divine, a woman who has 3 babies, didn't notice one of them was crying for five minutes. Five minutes is a long time in church. She just let it wail. Maybe she thought it was one of the other dozen babies. There's so many babied young couples, that they have their own clique. They take up half our ward. I think it's made them too permissive, like they've forgotten they aren't the only people at church so it's okay to let the babies run around.

***
On a similar note, I recently had a little run-in with a mommy in the church lobby. She gave me a baby fashion lecture when I commited the faux pas of referring to a boy as 'she'. It wasn't even hers. But I apologized and said that I couldn't tell. I was very smugly told, "He's wearing blue, isn't he? Blue, usually, means that he's a boy. So if you see a baby wearing blue, you can be pretty sure he's a boy. And when you see a baby in pink, then you know that she's a girl. That's how you can tell the difference." So I said, "But there's no baby fashion police to enforce the rules, so maybe some people don't follow them? And what about the other colors, like green, yellow, brown? What do you do then, call the baby "it"? She was not amused.

Oh, well. I'm going to start sitting in the front row, where there are zero babies.

I wonder if this might bother me more because I am single and childless, as is the complaining man. Does the church gymboree bother everyone else as much?

Going Off the Market (but not offline)

No more men. No more dates. No more wasted energy and time. As my friend Angela said, "you can't get orange juice from apples, no matter how hard you squeeze." I've been squeezing apples with no oranges in sight.

I have things to do. I have to get my career on track. Dig myself out of this financial hole. Create the life I always wanted; that I was on track to achieve until I got hit with the bi-polar. I'm going to marry my life. Woe to the man who gets in my way.

It's not that I have spent years wasting time on men, I haven't. I had a relationship in 2005, two relationships in 2009. In between, I had occasional dates and online flirtations; but I mostly concentrated on mending my broken soul. Last year, I finally felt okay enough to really get out there, to actively pursue a love life. But I found sour apples.

I do not need a man. I do not need to get married. I need to take better care of myself. I need to become useful and productive. I'm 34 now. I won't find a Mormon man my age. There are some out there, but they aren't interested in me, because I'm too independent or educated, or whatever it is. And now, I'm probably too old. Why pursue a 34 year old when there's a gaggle of girls in their 20s available? I have tried having relationships with non-Mormons, but that seems nigh impossible. Thank you, sexual revolution.

Onward and upward, by myself.

Watch my steady lonesome gait...*

*From Laura Marling's song "New Romantic" You can watch the video below. This should be the theme song for every single woman over 25.

Here I am again. A rainy day in the city. Mood has been low the last two weeks, beyond that I don't remember.

I got fired in August as retribution for taking a disability leave, which I only took to avoid getting fired in the first place.... but I am better off without it. Except financially. Sigh. I have 6 classes this semester at three universities. 2 lectures everyday of the week. Nights, then morning, night, morning...Each day is a catchup from the day before and a whirlwind towards tomorrow and then the week is over. The new bipolar meds make me tired all the time. If I don't get 10 hours of sleep at night then I need a 2 hour nap that afternoon. A pile of 70 blue books mocks me. The test was Monday and I haven't touched them yet. I stayed up Monday night until 5 am grading 40 papers from two weeks before. Then I slept through my first morning class. So it goes. 40 more blue books arrive next Monday.

I have forsworn dating. Not for me, no thank you. The losers I wasted time on last year showed me that I am still most attracted to abusers. I cannot be trusted to choose a man for myself. And clearly, I cannot sustain an adult relationship. Those men who dare glance at me twice on the subway get a scowl in return.

And yet, the loneliness. It is endless. Night after night in my empty bed, coming home to my echoing apartment, the pains go unnoticed, the successes uncelebrated, the hope worn so thin it has disappeared.

And yet, there is him. "George". The boy I liked before ever we met. A mutual friend had told me of him, I assumed he lied. There was no one like that. My friend Steff laughed that if we ever met we'd have to get married. Months later, I met him and was not disappointed. He, the phantasm, has haunted me for 10 years.

He, the divorcee, told me his girlfriend has moved in. So, why did you call me at 1:34 in the morning!? Who calls an ex-girlfriend in the middle of the night to celebrate the election--when your woman sleeps in your bed one room away?!? If he feels the way I do, if the sound of my voice makes him grin and all the world makes perfect sense when our talking is done... Then I need to know. I can't go on guessing anymore. Yesterday I threatened to drive down to see him (and my other friends). He has not yet replied. He will say 'no' when he finds the diplomatic words. He shares body fluids and a home with that woman. What am I but a vague memory?

It is absolute foolishness to harbor fantasies and feelings for him. We have not seen each other in 6 years. We had plans in April, but I missed the plane--literally. I was too terrified. The memory of all that pain and my depressed conviction that I faced sure rejection slowed my movements to the airport. I think he was hurt. He stopped talking to me. And now he lives with her.

I lost him again. The end.

"Watch my steady lonesome gait and be aware, I will never love a man cause love and pain go hand in hand and I can't do it, again."

Needful Things

Most readers who responded to my Manifesto said something like, "the spiritual needs of single people are not different from those of married people," and "church is not about meeting one's social needs, it's about the atonement," so, basically, I should get over myself. But I will not. It is true. I need something from the church that married people do not.

The life of a single person can get very lonely. (I know being married can be lonely too, but that is a different story). Sometimes, single life is not lonely at all, but when it is, it can be devastating.

Now, imagine living through a fairly lonely period--of about 2 years. After work, you go home to an empty apartment to fix a quick dinner. Maybe make a few phone calls to friends and family. Feed the cats. Clean the kitchen. Then end the evening with a book or by watching tv. The next day, you do the same thing. You can go weeks without any physical contact with another human being. Sometimes, you can't reach anyone on the phone and you can go days without having a personal conversation with another human being. No one needs you. No one misses you or looks forward to seeing you. No one can help you make those major life-changing decisions that crop up from time to time. No one notices if you have been working out, or gained 10 pounds...

Then, Sunday morning you go to church, where, you feel even lonelier than you did before. But maybe you made it through sacrament meeting without crying this time, so you feel proud of yourself for that. But, you feel like you don't belong. The married men, aka 'priesthood holders and leaders' are afraid to talk to you, because you are a single woman. And the married women look at you with either suspicion, envy or pity. Some kind souls do notice you, and say hello. They smile at you with warmth and shake your hand. And that's when you start crying. These lovely people don't have time for you, they have children and husbands. But they mean well. They are true Christians.

Then you go home and fall asleep on the bed. When you wake up from your nap, you have to find a way to fill the rest of the day without breaking the sabbath. The easiest thing to do is try to sleep the day away, then watch awful TV all night. On a good Sunday, you might take a walk to watch the sunset reflecting off of Manhattan and the Hudson River.

So, what? So, what happens when a real flesh and blood man comes along in this scenario and he wants to love you? He wants to comfort you and take away the loneliness and empty nights. But, you'd have to give up your beliefs and covenants. How long can your spirit hold out against this? And if you do manage to resist, how can you do it without anger and bitterness for the church which not only makes you feel lonely, but now seems to be the cause of your loneliness as well?*

This struggle could be much easier if church were a place of fellowship and comfort. If I could fill my empty nights with church things and people. Single people need more friends than married people. They need more social support. They need to be needed by someone. They need to be noticed and missed. They need to be given responsibilities for others, so they can exercise charity and avoid becoming too selfish. They need to be part of a family. Married people are part of a family, so, ideally, they don't need as much from the church in terms of social support--I understand that this may not be true for all married people, but in an ideal world it would be.

Single people need family. Eventually, if they do not find this at church, they will find it elsewhere. I suspect that most singles do not find family at church. Hence, the huge rate of apostasy.

*I know that I am responsible for my own choices and the covenants I have made with God. I am the cause of my loneliness. However, at weak moments, this is extremely hard to remember.

Hope for Single Mormons

My intention here is not to bash the Mormon church, or to merely have a space to complain. I wanted to give single members of the church a voice, be someone who could speak for them and to them, because when I started this blog, there was no such entity. I also got tired of telling the same dating stories to all my friends. This way, I could refer them to the blog when they called to inquire about what happened with so and so? (Yes, I am that lazy).

My Manifesto post stirred up a lot of activity and emotion. It helped me release some anger, but it did more than that as well. Amongst the sea of comments, a few people shared their experiences in their wards, and they sounded great. I wanted to post some of them here to show everyone that there is hope for us, that church doesn't have to be so lonely and painful. And, maybe we can inspire local leaders, and each other to do more to make things better.

Comment #1:

Ardis Parshall said...

It might be impractical to expect a single in the bishopric and RS presidency all the time, but having singles serve when available certainly does improve the lot of singles. My ward's RS *president* has never been married, and this is one of the best Relief Societies I've ever known.

Our ward recently went to a pattern of having three speakers rather than two in Sacrament meeting. It's amazing to see what that simple change has done for us singles. The old habit of ALWAYS having couples speak has disappeared, and as long as the bishop has to make multiple calls anyway, he tends to ask three unrelated people, regardless of their marital status. Not only does that mean singles are no longer invisible, but it also means we get real talks from both married and single: no more wasting half the time with family introductions and all the how-we-met stories that used to plague meetings when couples were asked to speak.

#2

Matt said...

There may be change on the horizon in the Church...

Here in Huntington Beach,CA and in other stakes in SoCal we have an established "Midsingles" program where all 30-something singles in the stake, all attend the same family ward together. So there's family ward boundaries for families and all 30-something Midsingles in the stake attend as well. So my ward we have over 120 active 30-something singles in a family ward. So we're half midsingles/half families. We have Midsingles FHE, Firesides, Institute, Dances, Dinner Groups, etc, etc.

And Midsingles practically "run" the ward, so the lessons, talks, comments are geared to both singles and marrieds. In fact our Father & Son outings are called "Father OR Son" outing. If you are a father or a son you can go.

Also, the marrieds help us with our single activities and vice versa and we have "ward" activities for everyone. It's the best of both worlds.

Single parents can attend as well since we have a full Primary program just like any other family ward.

Since most of us have YSA roommates and hang out with them all the time, including joint FHE once a month, most YSAs transition over from one week to the next when turn 31.

Elder L. Tom Perry came to our last Stake Conference and fully endorsed our efforts with the Midsingles in our stake. Several other stakes are following suit. And soon all stakes in SoCal will have this program.

We also are developing seperate single adult programs for 40-something singles, 50-something singles, and Senior Singles 60+ so there's a continum of single activities for a little something for everyone.

#3

Faye said...

1. I am 23, single, never married and I live in Beijing - we don't have a singles ward, but we have a very strong singles group - anywhere from 10 to 40 singles in our family branch of about 300 expats. The branch takes exceptional care of us and I wish that every single member could have the same experience.

2. I last spoke on Mother's day 2006, after 10 months of being in the branch. In our branch, there is usually either a youth, single adult speaker or both each Sunday.

The Beijing branch is exceptionally transient and people are moving in and out all the time, making it hard to keep track of people. There is one counselor in the Branch Presidency that watches out over the YSA like an auxiliary. We have our own Sunday school and usually an older couple to be our counselors. Everyone gets a calling. Most are self-contained. Within the YSA, there are a few Sunday school teachers, 2 reps, a secretary, YSA fireside coordinator, activity coordinators, FHE coordinators, and some people get pulled for "real callings" within the branch depending on the number of YSA we have at the time.

It took about 18 months of being in the branch before any of the singles had home/visiting teachers and assignments. The single sisters usually got paired up together to visit non-single sisters. Before I came into the branch, the RS president had monthly dinners where all the single sisters would be invited to in lieu of being visit taught.

6. I do have lots of significant relationships. The single adults is my primary social scene here in Beijing and most of the active single adults rely on each other socially.

9. I've always felt like an involved contributor who is very much welcomed and a part of the ward/branch I am in or if I start to feel otherwise, I act on it.

10. I realized a long time ago that I need to feel a sense of belonging in order to be happy and get the best experience out of church so instead of waiting to be welcomed, I've always taken the initiative to befriend other members and create a sense of belonging for them. It took 2-3 months of getting the scattered YSA together by organizing informal activities for them (after I decided that if nobody was going to organize anything to invite me to I had to do the organizing myself) before the branch presidency noticed and gave me the calling of activities coordinator. Branch pianist has been my default calling and I have Mom to thank for that. Whenever I move to a new branch, I look for every opportunity to serve through my piano playing and surprisingly, even in a branch full of people who can play the piano just as well or better, I will never run out of opportunities.

11. I realize that the Beijing Branch is an exceptional one and a great one to be a single adult in. The branch members here love the single adults and we're always getting invited over for meals (there are no missionaries here so the singles get all the affection and free food).

We organize a monthly fireside, usually held at a members home where we are fed before the fireside. There's FHE every Monday and Institute every Thursday and activities formal or informal are always going on on either Friday or Saturday. On Sundays, if we don't get an invite to member's homes, we (yes on a Sunday) go out to eat together. We're a really good group, and we rely on each other for friendship so we look forward to every opportunity to hang out together and are excited whenever someone new moves into the branch and adds to our numbers. I wish this could be the experience of every single adult within the church. It really does take just one or two people to take initiative and create that feeling of community within a small group of single adults and you could easily be that person.

Thank you for the wonderful comments! If you think I missed one that should be here, please copy and paste it in the comments.

Singles Survey: How is your ward?

Ok. I did expect to get negative feedback on my last post, but I did not expect that much. I am frankly surprised by the hostility. Why does my frustration call for other's fierce reprobation? One even went so far as to blame my singleness on my bad attitude. (Thank you for that, by the way.)

So, fine. Let's hear from the rest of you singles. Is my isolation from the family ward a singular experience (ha,ha)? Is the marginalization of single mormons merely a local cultural problem, or a more universal institutional one?

If you have a few minutes, and you are a single mormon, please answer the questions below in a comment.

If you think I am a whiney loser, who expects too much from church (like loving fellowship and inclusion), you may be right. Read the comments from other singles. You will either feel vindicated in your righteous judgement of me, or you might have your eyes opened to something which might be a real problem.

1. What is your age, sex and single status: never-married, divorced, widowed?

2. When was the last time you were asked to speak in church?

3. What is your current calling? How long have you had it?

4. What is the biggest calling you have ever had? How was it? AND, was this in a struggling branch/ward or a regular ward?

5. Are you a visiting or home teacher? (when was the last time you were?)

6. Do you have significant relationships with any members of your ward (real friendships)?

7. What is your favorite part of church?

8. What part of church do you wish would change? How would you change it?

9. In general, do you feel accepted and loved by others at church, or do you feel like an outsider?

10. For those of us who aren't as enlightened as you, what did you do to mitigate that outsider-feeling and make yourself more included?

11. Any relevant anecdotes you would like to share?

My answers:

1. 31, female, never married;
2. I was last asked to speak 5 years ago when I moved into a branch in the city.
3. No calling. I haven't had one in 3 years, despite asking 4 bishops for one.
4. I was a counselor in the primary. I loved it. It was a struggling branch.
5. I haven't been a visiting teacher since I was in a singles ward 6 years ago.
6. No friends. I tired making friends in the ward in Florida, but no one was interested.
7. I like singing the songs.
8. See post below for what I would change.
9. I do not feel included
10. I'm not enlightened.
11. No.

Feel free to skip any questions. Thank you for your time and input! Can't wait to see the answers. I hope it is my fault that I find church so unpleasant, because it's a lot easier to change myself than the whole church.

The Singles Crisis in the Church: A Manifesto

No mincing words here. I am fed up.

My mother told me last year that there are now more singles than marrieds in the church* (Does anyone know where this stat comes from?). You would never know by looking around on Sunday. Single people tend not to go to church. And I can tell you why. Socially, the church acts as an auxilary for the family, the nuclear family. Who wants to drag themselves out of bed and get dressed up every week so they can be made to feel less than a real person? Those single people who are active have my full admiration. I wish I were that strong. I believe in the gospel. I believe in Jesus Christ and the Book of Mormon and the prophets. But I hate going to church.

The function of the church absolutely needs to change. It is past time. They will continue to lose their single members if something major is not done. What should be done?

First of all, the church needs to become a family for single people. A place where they can go to get unconditional support and love. Structurally, I think that might be achieved in the following ways:

1. Every ward should have family home evening at church every Monday. there should be a committee which runs it. Everyone is invited to attend. This will not only help singles, but new members who want to get a better understanding of what family home evening is about.

2. Every ward should have a calling in the bishopric for a single man, who will minister to the needs of single members. He will also voice their needs to the ward leadership, so they will not be left out.

3. Likewise, every ward should have a single woman in the Relief Society presidency whose job is to minister to the single women.

4. Once a month, sacrament meeting should be devoted to talks for and by and about the needs of single people. If there are more of us, than there are of you marrieds, then why the heck do we have to listen to crap about how to raise children week after week? That's absurd. Our spiritual needs are different. Trying to live with the law of chastity is extremely difficult, and we need support at church. Trying to maintain one's hope for an eternal family is extremely difficult, and should be supported at church, not undermined as it is now.

This would also address a problem that few marrieds have likely noticed, single people rarely get asked to talk in church and rarely get important callings. That is also absurd. We have more time than most married people, so we may be able to do more in big callings than family folk.

In short, it makes no sense that the church is so far behind with the social reality, that Satan is winning, the family is becoming endangered, and most members are not part of a marriage.

P.S. I expect to get the usual comment from some members, that I should stop complaining and see what I can do to be more Christlike and improve my ward. Blah blah blah. There is a time and a place for anger. Even Jesus got angry. A majority of the church members are being driven away by an outdated institution that marginalizes them. It is time to get angry. It is time for something to be done.

*I have no knowledge as to the actual veracity of this statistic. See comments for more info.

Our Frank

and open, deep conversations,
they get me nowhere, they bring me down so...

Yes, I am back to quoting Morrissey. Next week I'm driving down to south to go to the show with my bestest friend in the whole world.

Back to more pressing issues. What is it still like to STILL be Celibate in the City?

Sigh.

Do you ever wonder how it is that you've gone through so much, all the drama, all the work, all the gosh darn experience, and yet, you are still in the same place? Still alone and bored on another Saturday night? How did I end up so stuck here? How did I drive my life into the ground like that?

More importantly, what am I going to do about it? I had hoped it would be an exciting and fun date-filled summer. I had a man all lined up for the job. A great guy. But, he's just not that into me. Crap. I found him online. We went out 3 times, but spent 2 months courting each other via email, text and the phone. I must disappoint in person. The one or two of you who may have e-crushes on my blog personality should keep that in mind. I'm better in your imagination.

My plunge into insanity did destroy my social life, and I don't know how to re-create it. It gets much harder each year. As people get married and move away, move on, they fade from your phone contact list.

Any suggestions?

I'm too old for the singles ward so don't even breathe that blasphemy.

P.S. When I updated my template to the dumb version, to fix my comments, I thought it said that blogger would save a copy of my old template so I could revert to it later. Yet, I don't see it anywhere. Any help? It makes me sick to think that all the work I did on my blog is just gone. I want to restore all my links to everyone and everything else.

my own private idaho

What a deliciously, perfect expressive phrase. My own private idaho. It evokes the solitary valleys and caverns of grief, the resounding echoes of the punishing thoughts that the mourner suffers. My own private Idaho.

Remember George? (of Tainted Love fame). I never mourned that loss, I got no closure. Despite the poetic turn of events, I never knew what happened to him, to us, or my ridiculous fantasies of a future together. After months of therapy about everything else in my past, I suddenly discovered the reason I stopped loving my work. I blamed my schoolwork for losing George. If I had never left to come to NY, then it would have been me he married. My ambition damned me to this fate. Such is the way the infantile unconscious mind thinks. I had no idea.

Closure, the therapist said. I had to tell him my feelings for him, because I never did. She promised I would heal. So I agreed to do it, not knowing the torrent of pain and emotion that would avalanche. Not realizing how much I had stored away, how the grief would feel like I lost him yesterday instead of 3 years ago.

He has a webpage. With pictures. You can send messages. I found it two weeks ago. I sent a 'hello' email first. He replied two hours later and sounded excited to hear from me, and not so excited about his life. I spent a week working on my email, THE EMAIL. I sent it last night around 2 am. I said I was sorry I never told him I was in love with him back then, that I knew it didn't matter anymore, but this email was therapy for myself. I also wrote a lot of other things. He replied at 6 am.

All day I was freaked out knowing the message waited for me at home. I couldn't read it at work because I didn't want to cry. His last email was so sweet and sad it made me sob for hours. All day I tried to prepare myself for whatever he might say. Tried to imagine the worst possible words so there would be no surprises.

Yet he surprised me anyway. Just a line saying he would reply later. Another sign of his considerate and kind nature, letting me know he got it and that he would respond in due time.

His wife has a page too, also with pictures. They have been married for three years. They have a whole life, a house, a dog, and married couple friends. And I? I am the Cheese. It makes me so sad and angry and ashamed for my covetous feelings.

Now I must wait. Wait for him to release me, to tell me the words I need to hear; whether they be that he fell madly in love with her and is deleriously happy or that he has struggled but believes in his commitments, that he is sorry I went through this, that he never knew I felt this way or that he did know I felt that way... whatever they may be, it will be a relief to know.

I lie in wait, curled in bed, crying off and on.

My own private idaho.