Watch my steady lonesome gait...*

*From Laura Marling's song "New Romantic" You can watch the video below. This should be the theme song for every single woman over 25.

Here I am again. A rainy day in the city. Mood has been low the last two weeks, beyond that I don't remember.

I got fired in August as retribution for taking a disability leave, which I only took to avoid getting fired in the first place.... but I am better off without it. Except financially. Sigh. I have 6 classes this semester at three universities. 2 lectures everyday of the week. Nights, then morning, night, morning...Each day is a catchup from the day before and a whirlwind towards tomorrow and then the week is over. The new bipolar meds make me tired all the time. If I don't get 10 hours of sleep at night then I need a 2 hour nap that afternoon. A pile of 70 blue books mocks me. The test was Monday and I haven't touched them yet. I stayed up Monday night until 5 am grading 40 papers from two weeks before. Then I slept through my first morning class. So it goes. 40 more blue books arrive next Monday.

I have forsworn dating. Not for me, no thank you. The losers I wasted time on last year showed me that I am still most attracted to abusers. I cannot be trusted to choose a man for myself. And clearly, I cannot sustain an adult relationship. Those men who dare glance at me twice on the subway get a scowl in return.

And yet, the loneliness. It is endless. Night after night in my empty bed, coming home to my echoing apartment, the pains go unnoticed, the successes uncelebrated, the hope worn so thin it has disappeared.

And yet, there is him. "George". The boy I liked before ever we met. A mutual friend had told me of him, I assumed he lied. There was no one like that. My friend Steff laughed that if we ever met we'd have to get married. Months later, I met him and was not disappointed. He, the phantasm, has haunted me for 10 years.

He, the divorcee, told me his girlfriend has moved in. So, why did you call me at 1:34 in the morning!? Who calls an ex-girlfriend in the middle of the night to celebrate the election--when your woman sleeps in your bed one room away?!? If he feels the way I do, if the sound of my voice makes him grin and all the world makes perfect sense when our talking is done... Then I need to know. I can't go on guessing anymore. Yesterday I threatened to drive down to see him (and my other friends). He has not yet replied. He will say 'no' when he finds the diplomatic words. He shares body fluids and a home with that woman. What am I but a vague memory?

It is absolute foolishness to harbor fantasies and feelings for him. We have not seen each other in 6 years. We had plans in April, but I missed the plane--literally. I was too terrified. The memory of all that pain and my depressed conviction that I faced sure rejection slowed my movements to the airport. I think he was hurt. He stopped talking to me. And now he lives with her.

I lost him again. The end.

"Watch my steady lonesome gait and be aware, I will never love a man cause love and pain go hand in hand and I can't do it, again."