Closure 2

My closure is progressing. I have passed the crisis point I reached last week. [I also needed to deal with my feelings because one of the gentlemen pursuing me returns from the west coast this month. He already asked me to go out with him when he gets back. He is a good prospect (not Mormon), if he loses the ponytail.]

I wrote a closure letter to xbf last week, it's mostly an apology. I worked on it in the middle of the night, but did not finish. Then I started mourning the loss of that relationship. I didn't complete that process the first time around because A)I was too emotionally unstable to deal with it last spring and B)I did not believe it was over, over. So. Now I know.

On Wednesday, things changed. I simply woke up feeling differently. I attribute that to prayer and divine intervention. The weight of my sorrow and distress was completely gone. I just knew, all of a sudden, that everything would be okay. I no longer have to worry about him, or us. I have nothing more I need to do. I do not need to talk to him or see him. I feel comforted, and know that I did not ruin my life by pushing him away, nor with any of the mistakes I made. That part of my heart feels peace.

Oddly, it's not a moving on type of feeling. It is a resolution, so I can get on with my life. I am not waiting for anything from him anymore. But it feels like whatever is supposed to be between us will be. Somehow, I feel undeniably that our story is not over. Whatever that means. Maybe in a few years we can be friends for real. That would be awesome. He is a beautiful person.

Part of me gets fidgety at the thought, that there will be more to come. Rationally, I know it's dangerous and unhealthy. Like I'm still holding on to something I shouldn't. And I hate the term 'supposed to' implying our lives are guided by an unavoidable destiny. I don't like the idea of destiny. I think it's a crutch and a way to avoid responsibility for one's life. However, not believing in destiny makes life a lot more scary.

Can you really believe in an omniscient benevolent God and not believe He guides our lives to some ultimate conclusion for our own good? That belief is built into the Western concept of God. It's almost necessary in order to reconcile oneself to the evil God allows in the world. Ah, but this is a complicated and millenia-old question.

The point is, I'm okay now. I no longer feel tortured by the way things ended, or the waiting. This is one of the gifts of faith.

Closure.

I've suffered through some anniversaries lately. It brought back the pain of losing my xbf all over again.  The one year anniversary of our first break-up, Valentine's Day when we had our first fake friendship non-date that ended with a lot of kissing and ultimately disaster.  Even the Egyptian revolution tortured me with memories. (There's a story  behind that.)  I never stopped hurting for him, but it has a new urgency.  My body aches for him again. And I've been crying.  All year I hoped he might change his mind and come back to me.  No one else ever loved me the way he did. Now I know that's never going to happen. 

What I need is closure. Our last breakup was such a mess, he just ran away and left me hanging. He gave me a line about needing space on the phone, but said it wasn't forever. I didn't know what that meant. I gave him a month. Then I couldn't take waiting and constantly checking for emails or phone calls.  I emailed him to find out what was going on. He did not reply. I tried several times over the next two weeks, asking him to tell me to leave him alone or give me a time line or breakup with me for good. Nothing. I finally got psycho with a nasty email, an apology, and one more begging him to tell me it was over. No reply. I finally threatened to go to his house to make him talk to me. To that, he replied. He told me he could have no contact with me and I especially could not go to his house. It was over. Hallelujah! That was a relief. And really, really, painful.

Still, I didn't believe him. He couldn't even say the words out loud. I didn't understand how someone could walk away from what we had.  Maybe he just needed more time. And I felt so horrible about how I behaved.  I hated what I had done.  I hated knowing he probably hated me.  For a year I've been regretting that and everything else I did wrong with him.  That, along with pining for him has been miserable. Now it's all making me angry on top of everything else. This has got to stop. 

My first attempt to deal with it was an email to his friend, the one who set us up.  I asked him to tell me my xbf was happy now.  If I knew he was happy with a girlfriend who gave him lots of sex, then I could move on.  I would be happy for him, and it would mean our break up was a good thing. --No reply. 

Like a lunatic, I began to think maybe it was time for me to make a move. Maybe he was as unhappy as I was.  I could ask him to come back to me. I fantasized about going to his house, imagining he would cry and kiss me and we would never part again. I got over that foolishness.  He doesn't want to be with me, the end.
But I did need to talk to him. I need his forgiveness. I want to know he is happier now. I want him to tell me he has no regrets.  Tell me that we're better off apart.

I sent an email.  It was short:Hi there. Are you amenable to a chat?

He replied: I don't know if that's a great idea. I hope you are doing well but I don't know what we would have to talk about. I'm sorry, I know this sounds harsh. 

It was a punch in the gut. I got livid.  Like being rejected yet again. He should have asked me what I had to say instead of arrogantly declaring we had nothing to talk about.  He could at least help me with closure. And how insulting that he tried to nice it up and water it down. Just say: No, I don't want to talk to you.  I could handle that.  But his condescension, I can not. I was thoroughly disgusted with him.

This could mean he is not over me and that's why he doesn't want to talk to me.  But maybe not.

I have been on a roller coaster all week.  First I was furious that he wouldn't talk to me.  Then I was okay. Then I got angry thinking that he might be alone and unhappy. That would make our breakup pointless and even more stupid.  Today I am very sad. I don't want to let go of him but I have to. It breaks my heart, again, and still.

My therapist is making me write a letter.  Say what I need to and be done with him.  She said it's the only way to get over it. I hope it works. I'm ready to move on.

Where's my Op-Ed piece?!

Read this, if you can stomach it. I just found it while checking my traffic stats. Although, it says nothing new. It's also 2 weeks old, ancient in blogosphere time.
http://bycommonconsent.com/2011/01/12/the-value-of-shame-in-mormonism/

A woman wrote an Op-Ed piece for the NY Times about being 35, and a single, celibate Mormon. Then she explains why she is giving up the law of chastity. I didn't read the article. I don't need to. I know exactly what she said, because I am living it. (Hey! Where's my Op-Ed piece? I wrote about this stuff before anyone else.)  I actually got through most of the 120 or so comments. Skimming through the inane. People said exactly what you'd expect them to say. What they have said on here, what I have said, etc.  Some marrieds criticized the woman for being too whiny. Singles sympathized. People discussed the disenfranchisement of singles in the church, blah, blah, blah. 

I was quoted. I'd like to respond to a responder to my quote. 

danithew Says: 
January 13, 2011 at 6:23 a
CitC had a 7/22/2009 post titled “My Little Corner of the World” in which she wrote some pretty profound things, I think:

“I do need to say that I am still fully committed to living the gospel and the law of chastity. I do not resent it anymore. I do not feel like it has caused me any suffering. Quite the opposite. I see how much suffering it prevented. It’s an instant jerk-not-worth-your-time-man revealer. Tell the man you won’t sleep with him and see what happens. His character shines through, like a light or a stain. When he runs, thank the Lord you escaped a hideous relationship with that one. Really. How many bad relationships go on and on because the two are entangled in a physical affair? Masking the problems in their relationships with sex. How many people married the wrong person because they were so enamored with the sex, only to pay the price later? Not me. Thank you Jesus. I’m lonely and bruised, but…. so much better than I would have been. It has blessed me. I can’t speak for others. I see now how fragile I was. How devastating sexual affairs with abusive men would have been. The non-sexual ones were bad enough. My injured soul attracted vultures. That couldn’t have been otherwise. What I was spared certainly could have been.”

Here was the comment in response:

Anon (from #10) Says:
January 13, 2011 at 9:06 am
17 – thanks for pointing out the CitC is accessible again. I’ve always liked her writing and her life experiences. The paragraph quoted makes some really good points – the law of chastity can and does protect us from harmful and unhealthy relationships. However, it does so in the same way that abstaining from eating food will protect us from food poisoning, or abstaining from ever leaving our houses will protect us from drive-by shootings. Obviously she is happy with her decision to remain celibate, and I congratulate her, Ardis and others who find joy therein. Ms. Hardy description of her celibate lifestyle includes the words “spiraling further into a disconnected life, feeling abandoned, being discounted.” I felt the same.

Sure the law of chastity prevented me from some bad relationships in my teens and 20s, but it did so by preventing me from having relationships at all. Common sense and taking great care with one’s dating choices can also prevent bad relationships and heartbreak.

I mostly agree with Anon. Except when she states that I am happy in my decision to remain celibate.  That was and is not the case.  I resigned myself to it and gave up the anger.  That's a far cry from happiness.  I wrote that post in 2009 after having just escaped what could have been the most disastrous relationship of my life.  When I finally cut off all contact with him, I was relieved.  I was in the process of learning to be content with my life and myself and my choices. And that post is where the process led.  I haven't lost that bit of growth, I'm not angry.  But the resignation is difficult.  Things aren't so simple.

Anon makes a good point that celibacy can exclude good relationships as well as the bad.  Shortly after writing that post, I met a wonderful non-Mormon, the best man I've ever dated, who was willing to date me sans sex.  It didn't last very long.  We probably would have lasted a lot longer if we were having sex.  Because of his romantic and sexual history, our lack of sex hurt him.  Things are not simple when it comes to sex and relationships for people over 30. Anyone who is single past that age has been damaged and has emotional baggage.

Add to that the fact that for the majority of non-religious men, asking them to date you without sex is ridiculous.  They spent their entire adult lives having romantic sexual relationships, and loving someone without sex is unimaginable to them.  They don't even know how to do it.  After I told one man about the chastity thing, he said we couldn't date because sex was too much a part of the way he fell in love.  I think that is true for most men.  Of course it's not necessary, but why would someone want to bother with that when they can go out and find someone else who puts out?  It doesn't make much sense for them, so they don't get involved with the "nice" LDS girl. 

Losing my last relationship over chastity seriously hurt my testimony.  I've had a very rough year.  I've been closer to giving up the church than I have ever been in my life.  More and more, it feels like the church and the gospel are separate things.  I have problems with the church's politics, culture, and some of the GAs.  And then there is going to church, it feels like an alternate universe filled with strange people who have strange lives that I cannot relate to; and they are running an organization that feels like it has nothing to do with me.  It's kind of like visiting a new school and sitting in on a class for one day, you can't really follow what's going on because you haven't been there-- and all the other kids are looking at the weird new kid. 

It's hard to remember why I'm doing this to myself, living by these rules and dragging myself to the torture of church.  But I do remember. I made a covenant and I love my God.  Yet, I don't believe I will ever be truly happy while single and alone.  Under my current circumstances, I am not likely to ever marry, either LDS or non-LDS.  So, am I willing to condemn myself to a single life of solitude and sadness for my faith?  That's a hard thing to ask of someone, and it seems unfair.  So, yeah, I get why the sister who wrote the essay gave it up after she turned 35.  I'm not sure she should have announced that to the whole world, but I blog so I'm one to talk.  I'm also turning 35 soon.  I don't know where my life is going, but it needs to go some place else. 

Dear Celibate: Advice for a 24 y.o.

Dear Celibate:
I am 24 years old, almost 25, and am a recent convert to the Church.  I live in the NE, where there aren't many members.  This summer though, I am moving to Arizona where there are lots of singles (hopefully my age?).  I recently had a very hard break up to a guy that I was supposed to marry.  It has been very tough for me, but I am starting to move on and realize that there has to be something better out there for me.  I know I shouldn't say this, but I feel old (according to Mormon standards) and I am worried about meeting a guy in Arizona my age or older.  My question to you is, what would you tell your 25-year-old self if you could go back and do it again?

Dear 24 year old,

 Congratulations on joining the church. The best way to get over a lost love is to find a new one. So, good for you for getting out there.
First, YOU ARE NOT OLD!!!!!  Snap out of it. I know it seems that way at church. But that is a warped perception of reality.
Second:  There are tons of Mormons in Arizona. You should be fine out there. However, coming from the east coast and being a convert, you will find dating Mo'men tricky.  Honestly, I still don't know how to date them.  They do not behave the way east coast non-LDS men do.  In my experience GENERALLY, I've found that they don't ask women out, they have no assertiveness and they prefer to date/marry below themselves, and they fear accomplished independent women.  Also, they like cheesy home-crafted gifts from women-- at least, the women seem to think so.  I wish I could tell you more about them, but it's outside my expertise.  The best thing to do is find some good girlfriends in the church who aren't jealous of you.  (That means that have to be as pretty as you are or prettier and have healthy self-esteems.)   Sadly, you can't trust some of the other single women because some of them can be vicious when it comes to dating.  That's what happens when you raise women to be desperate for marriage.  Try to find a nice western LDS friend who could explain how to date Mormon men.   ***MOST IMPORTANTLY: Don't feel bad about yourself if they are not asking you out.  It's not you, it's them. ****

What would I do differently if I could go back?  If only I could have the last five years of my life back!  But I've got ten years on you so here's what I've learned.

• NEVER sell yourself short. Don't think that because you are old (which you are NOT) or a convert or whatever that you have to date/marry someone below yourself.  Demand equality in your partner.  Equal intellect, equal education, equal values. Otherwise, you are wasting your time.  I wasted a lot of time on losers because I thought that was the best I could do.  My standards get higher as I get older.
• Don't date someone just because he is there. I did a lot of this in my 20s. The guy was okay, he asked me out so I said yes because there was no one else around. You are wasting your time. Don't. 
• Learn how to say 'No'.  Just say no if you are not interested in seeing someone.  Say No when he wants to go further physically than you do. I had a boyfriend I never liked for 6 months because I didn't know how to say 'No' the first time he asked me out and then I didn't know how to dump him after I kept saying 'yes'. 
• Don't make excuses for him.  If he is treating you badly, there is NO EXCUSE.  We have a tendency to explain away men's bad behavior so we can make them seem better than they are, so we can see them the way we want them to be.  If he is treating you badly in the beginning, it will only get worse later on.  RUN--Do not walk. 
• Take control.   Take control of the relationship and make him come to you. Do not call first, do not always answer, do not try to advance the relationship in any way.  Always try to keep your hand.  When you give him too much, they have a tendency to run away.  I learned this the hard way because I don't like playing games. But you have to do it. Do not be too available, always leave them wanting more. Always be the one to end the dates.  You say when it's time to go home, not him. You be the one to end phone conversations, etc. Your life will be much better this way, I promise. 
• Don't be a pleaser.  It is not your job to please any man. You should NOT try to make him like you. He either does or he doesn't.  If you try to win him over, you will lose.  He will think you are throwing yourself at him and be repulsed. 
• Your friends are ALWAYS right.   If your family and friends don't like your boyfriend, then there is a reason.  He probably isn't good enough for you.  They have your best interests at heart and they can see the dude objectively. I've never heard of a case where the friends were wrong.  Save yourself some heartache and listen to them.
• If chastity with him is easy, move on.  That means you don't have the right chemistry, and you will wish things were different after the honeymoon.  (I learned this from two married friends.) 
• Make sure he likes you enough.  A man who likes you enough, or likes you the right way, will feel privileged to be with  you.  He will feel the need to be worthy of you and behave accordingly.  He will court you and make you feel like the most special woman on earth.  If you get the feeling that he thinks you're privileged to be with him, dump him immediately. It will only get worse.

I hope this is helpful.  Good luck.  My sister got married in Phoenix at age 28 or 27. You really have nothing to worry about.

P.S. I'm sorry this took so long, I was busy for the holidays and have internet issues again.

It's Not You, It's Me . . . No. Maybe it was Really You

In response to my 'Someone please explain' sob story post, I got two insightful emails. I didn't want to be greedy and keep the wisdom all to myself. Both emailers gave me permission to post their thoughts. So I have included them here.  This is somewhat of a mish-mashed guest post. (With some edits to their words, I hope they don't mind.)

I.  A long-time reader and blog friend, Ethesis (Stephen Marsh) has since posted this on his own blog.   He discusses reasons why someone can be over the age 30 or even 40, single, and not necessarily a hopeless human being.

Bottom line: It is very, very possible for someone to never find a match without it being their fault and without anything being wrong with them.

Finding a match.

I knew a guy, I’ll call him Jammin (Jam for short). He was strong and tall, but not quick (so he could not play basketball or football – not quick enough, trouble with powerlifting, too tall). He wasn’t as good looking as he thought, and not as smart as he needed to be. He had a thing about really pretty girls. Of course the only really pretty girls that would date him were ones with problems that off-set their being pretty. He couldn’t figure out why he was always dating girls with serious problems, how come he always ran into the ones that turned out to be scary.

It was simple. He wasn’t good looking enough to be a good match or fit for that group and did not have off-setting qualities (dating sites show that you can exchange money, education and other things for good looks if you are a guy).

I knew another guy, I’ll call him Loser (Lou for short). Lou liked really pretty girls. He liked pretty girls who could think. He invariably picked them up on the rebound after a bad break-up, he wasn’t pushy. They would drift away as they recovered. Mostly they remained friends, and interestingly enough, formed a group of ex-girlfriends of Lou’s that enjoyed each other, just not him. Lou couldn’t understand why he couldn’t hold on to the kind of girls he was dating. Now he is old enough that he is kind of skeevy vis a vis the girls he would like to date and has burned some bridges as well.

His problem is pretty simple. He has little to offer (less now that he is older) other than a non-threatening supportive ear and friend-style dating. But no one in their right emotional mind sees him as dating material for romantic dates.

Both of these guys were not matching what they were to what they were chasing. Both of them had long histories of failed relationships. Jam succeeded by breaking free of his blinders. Lou is, well, there is a reason I called him Loser.

We probably all know a Lou and a Jam.  This is kind of a harsh introduction. I knew a guy who told the same story, more or less, except it was about a girl who chased football players and another who chased drummers.

Too many people think that the moral of the stories is that you have to “settle” for less than you “deserve” or “want.” That’s wrong. What you have to do is find who you match.

Some things make it easier. If you are a guy, go to New York City. There is a surplus of single women in New York City. If you are a woman, go places where there is a surplus of men.

Next, go places where people are looking for people like you. I had a friend, Martha Muriel who was gorgeous and a dancer. She went to a ward full of short professional men and tall models. The men all wanted a short model (which, of course, wasn’t going to happen, there is a minimum height for models after all). The women were all looking for tall professionals (which group, it turns out, is mostly already married). None of them were looking for Hispanics, more their loss. Martha left after a couple visits, she was much too smart to waste more time there.

There are things that look like problems, but that are not. They are matters of fit. 

It is similar for both men and women. In some areas there are too many men, in others there are too many women. This is true of physical locations as it is of areas of interest (you trying to become a doctor’s spouse or snag an unmarried professional athlete? There are a lot of people in those areas). Some areas have huge pools (so the chance of someone in your sub-pool goes up) some have very tiny pools (if there are only three guys and three women in an area, the chance of a close match has probably gone way down).

Finally, what do you use as a filter? What things do you use to exclude? Every “hard” barrier will limit you. For example, my wife is taller than I am. If I had insisted on someone shorter than I was, I would not have married her (and vice versa – luckily we fell in love before we realized the height issue).

All of these matters taken together means that it is very, very possible for someone to never find a match without it being their fault and without anything being wrong with them.

Possible issues:

1. Geography. Sometimes it is just bad luck where you live or where your education goals take you.

2. Relationships. Not all relationships succeed. However, each time you invest time and effort in a relationship it puts you a few more years down the road.

3. Looking for the wrong solutions in seeking a match. Mostly that is idiot guys looking for physical attractiveness in women, but there are other things that come up.

4. Filter issues – excluding on the wrong things. Which does not mean you should ever, ever give way when you are filtering for the right things.

5. Other gap creators (there are things that make a match more difficult. Age, personal interests, political tastes, etc.).

Note that the most common issues do not require anything to be wrong with someone. Being “squirrely beyond belief” and is not something that keeps people from being married (would that it were so – I know lots of people in that category, some who have been married multiple times).

Solutions:

First, know what real things you want and what the real deal killers are? Then, list why they are what you want and why they are deal killers. Then re-think a focus.

*******************************

II.  Another reader and friend, Notes from the Glass Ceiling, wrote the following. He has the benefit of knowing more details of my specific situations.

I believe that we pretty much are who we are. We can improve on what we are, but we cannot be who we are not. In other words, whether you are intense or not really doesn't matter. If you are not intense, you probably will not be. If  you are now, you probably will be.

And as far as intense goes, it is no sin. Artists and writers often are. If you find your intensity is hard on yourself, then that is a sign that you can improve it for yourself.

More importantly, I believe that people grow into love based on their personality. I think that people who are basically simple-minded do really well marrying young, because there is a good chance that they will meet someone just like themselves. However, for people who are very smart, very observant, very witty...this is a whole different game.  For someone such as this, it is harder for them to find a good match when they are in their 20s. They need someone who matches their personality and intellect. That can take time and luck.  I believe that you will find someone before long, but he may be 5-7 years older than you are, (or he may be your age or younger, but he will be very emotionally mature.)

As far as the sex thing, I disagree with the other bloggers who said that it does not play a part. It absolutely plays a part! People want to test drive a relationship before they marry. Anyone who says different is clueless or lying. You need more men to date who will appreciate your standards,and you are living in a very bad part of the country to do that.

Time to stop guessing. Men are not that complicated. We are sexually and emotionally driven, and we get scared when our ego is challenged. Then we grow up. Maybe.

This is not the time for you to give up on love. But maybe it is time that you look at other types of men that you did in the past.

*************************

Thank you both for this. 

Double Standard 2: Guest Post

 John Silva of Single Mormon Male blog left this comment to The Double Standard post.  I invited him to submit a guest post and he has. I appreciate having a young man's perspective.

JL asked:

"What I wonder, is if single LDS men have a reversed double standard? Are they more selective with mo'women than they are with non-LDS women? They're probably less likely to date outside the church. And they're in a different league out in the real world. Just curious, if anyone knows."

Me, being the curious beaver that I am, decided to write up on the subject.

I would like to relate my own experiences on the matter. This summer, at the Disney College Program (again, I know, but a lot went down there :P ) I went on a lot of dates with LDS women and non-member women as well.  The dates with every single one of them were fun! As I went out with these wonderful women, I realized . . . I had a different standard when it came to asking these women out. Although I could go way in to my standards for girls I want to actively date or those I just want to go on a date with, that will have to wait for another time. Let's just say that as a super dater, I will go out with pretty much anything that moves.

But even then, that was different in Florida. The LDS girls I asked out on dates were the cream of the crop of the options when it came to my interests in girls, even though there were few of them I really wanted to get exclusive with. When it came to the non-LDS women, I asked out girls that I had never taken out before. They had extremely different standards than I did, and they were on a lower standard field than the LDS girls I took out. . . . No, I did not take out any of the girls to make out with them or go crazy, I did it just because they were fun to flirt with and I wanted to add to my dating number.

I just remember how some of these non-LDS girls were... they were fun, super flirty, attractive, but at the same time, talked about subjects that I would quickly change, suggested I do things with me that I would never even consider, and they just did not have the same drive as LDS women do.

I have come to the conclusion that what I expect out of LDS women is much higher than non-member women. I tend to avoid the very bottom of the potential pool because those type of people do not interest me in the least . . . I must change something I said from earlier, I won't date anything that moves, I do date a lot, but I date those girls that tend to grab my interest, and that is higher for Mormon girls rather than non-member girls.  The LDS girls were always of a much higher caliber than the non-LDS girls and I have noticed that.  I have a double standard going on here!

Why is that? Why when I am not actively seeking a girlfriend, I still have this standard where I will ask out super great LDS girls while non-LDS girls, whom I will go out with, I will settle for less?  Is it because when I just want to have fun, I feel I am in a safe position to avoid anything serious with these girls?

It is really weird to me that those standards change so much between which group a girl belongs to.  It is also strange to me that my standards change so much between my fun dating life and my serious dating life.

This is going to call for a new range of analysis.

Conclusion: LDS men do have a double standard when it comes to dating outside the church. Although I only related my experiences, I have seen this with other LDS men too. We aim high in the church and if we even do date outside the church, we tend to date just for fun and are not looking for anything serious, and we lower our standards then just for the heck of it!

I'm really interested in this subject . . . I'll explore it more later. Maybe do some more dating just to figure it out too, that is going to have to wait 'til this summer though, considering 1) I am at BYU where there so few non-members it is ridiculous, and 2) right now I feel like I am in serious dating mode where I am seeking a potential girlfriend.  We'll figure this out ...

= John Silva

I have my own ideas as to why this is, but I want to hear everyone else's ideas. Comment below.

The Double Standard

Until very recently I practiced a gross double standard when it came to men. I'm not talking about the difference between Jimmy Choo shoes and a pair of Kenneth Coles, more like Jimmy Choo to Payless Shoes. Regular men needed to be of Jimmy Choo quality while Mormon men only needed to be shoes.

For regular men, here is what I wanted: Educated, attractive, fun, intelligent, good taste, sane, and politically liberal.

For Mormon men (more affectionately called mo'men), my standards were: Aged between 25-45, breathing, and heterosexual. Seriously. Those were my only deal breakers, no gay men or the inappropriately aged. So, all you insecure single Mormon men, get over yourselves. Women over 30 don't care what's wrong with you. I doubt that I am the only LDS woman with this kind of double standard.

Here's a list of unappealing traits belonging to various Mo'men that I dated (in no particular order): unemployed, no college education, high school drop out, balding, ugly, sober drug addict, dim-witted, Frat boy, gun collector, fat, living with his mother, redneck, sleazy, slutty, Republican, miniature (weighed like 115), short, deadbeat dad, closeted homosexual, horrible taste in music, schizophrenic, bad kissers, and.... that's all I can remember for now. 

Anyone still wonder why I'm single? 

The funny thing is that most of them dumped me. The ones that dumped me were: the sleaze (went back to his brazilian ex-girlfriend who put out), the Republican (there were more than one), the homosexual (I didn't exercise enough so my body was too soft), the dimwit (went back to his airhead ex-girlfriend), the drug addict/dead-beat dad (It was too hard), the redneck (Said I wouldn't make a good wife or mother), and the frat boy (who knows or cares? not me.) Among these, the drug addict was the only one I was in love with. I cared for the redneck because he was good to me, and I had some infatuations with some of the others. Looking back now, I'm grateful that this band of merry losers tossed me aside. In the end they were right that we didn't belong together, though the rejection hurt like a mother at the time.

Why did I do this to myself? There were several reasons. Because I said 'yes' to every man who asked me out. Because I didn't think I should discriminate, every man deserved a chance. And because there was no one else asking me out. While I am smart, educated, funny, and above-average attractive, I feel comfortable calling myself a Kenneth Cole. So, in what universe is this okay? --oh, that's right, in Mormon-land. 

Those days are over for me. I'm not wasting my time on losers anymore, no matter what their religious affiliation. It's liberating. And, it's too bad for the timid insecure Mo'men whom I would have gone out with IF they had asked me.  Now, it's too late for them.  My new Mo'men dealbreakers are (in addition to those above): Republican, uneducated, unsuccessful, mentally ill, addicts, homosexuals, unattractive, unintelligent, and bland with bad taste.  Look around at the single men in your ward and see how many would make the cut.

This is why I'm 95% certain I will never end up with a Mo'man. (The Republican thing alone disqualifies 98% of the Mo'men anyway.) Which is fine with me. I'm completely at peace with the idea of a mixed-religion marriage or a content singlehood. Because, now that I'm grown up, I have standards. Mo'men of the world have used up their no-dealbreakers privileges. I'm upgrading my lower bar from Payless to Kenneth Cole --or, that might be too high, I might have to make it Steve Madden, either way. Sorry, guys. If the shoe doesn't fit, I'm not going to wear it anymore.

What I wonder, is if single LDS men have a reversed double standard? Are they more selective with mo'women than they are with non-LDS women? They're probably less likely to date outside the church. And they're in a different league out in the real world. Just curious, if anyone knows.

How Not to Pick Up Women Online

Gentlemen, it's all about the profile picture. 

I've been online looking around at the dating sites and have noticed patterns that turn me off.  I think you all need a little help.

Consider this, people scan through a hundred or more profile pictures, each photo gets less than a second's consideration. The viewers eyes won't stop on a photo unless it grabs her attention.  Her attention can be grabbed in both good and bad ways. 
These are the bad ways:

• SHIRTLESS. Really? It's tacky. If I wanted meaningless sex, then I'd want to see your bare chest.  Maybe that's the point.  That's the message you're sending. If you want a nice girl looking for a serious relationship, then put your shirt back on.  
• PROFESSIONAL HEADSHOT:  Unless you are an actor, this screams desperate with a capital D.  This guy is so needy for a date, he went to the mall and paid someone to take his picture. Or, he's an actor. Either way, next.
• BOY BAND POSE: You've seen these. A boy leaning against a door frame with his shirt just opened enough to tease.  Standing in the rain, looking off into the distance.  Again, this screams desperate and raises a flag that this man is overly-vain. 
• BLACK & WHITE Photo: Pretentious. This guy is trying to stand out and look artistic. He's trying too hard. Yawn.
• The CUT-OUT: The picture with his ex-girlfriend or wife cut out of it. You can still see her cheek against his, or her hair hanging down.  This is off-putting. Women think: This guy just got out of a relationship.  Baggage. He's probably hung up on her since he hasn't taken a new photo. And he's bitter enough to photoshop a woman he cared for out of a nice photo. I don't want him to do that to me. Moving on.
• The PLAYA: He poses with his babes. Or maybe one babe. But there's a hot chick hanging around his neck. This is not good. First, a woman compares herself to the babe and may feel inferior. Then, she judges the man by the girl in the photo. Do you really want to be associated with the bleach blond bimbo? It also gives the impression that there's competition for this man and he's proud of it. No thank you. 
• GOOFY HIPSTER: The guy with dirty hair and expensive old looking t-shirt in a silly pose, with a dumb hat, or wearing a costume or making a face.  It's cute if you're under 25. Over 25, and the man looks childish and immature. 
• HUNTING SHOT: If you're looking for a Sarah Palen type, then by all means, post a picture with your rifle. Otherwise, you look like a psychopath.
• DADDY: Risky, very risky. Men holding babies or playing with kids are sexy, but.... the first assumption is that those are YOUR kids. That's scary. If they're not your kids, don't put them in your profile shot. If they are your kids, then advertising that you're a father may seem like a good idea. However, you are losing a lot of clicks.  I suggest moving these to your 2nd photo so at least you get a profile viewing.  If she's interested enough, then she'll be okay with kids. 
• SPORTS CAR: Or, SUV or truck. This guy thinks standing in front of his expensive car is going to make him attractive. That fact alone is a deal-breaker. 

The best kind of profile shot is simple, it should show most of your face. The action shots and traveling shots are okay.  But, those are better as 2nd and 3rd photos. We want to like your face before we take the time to click on your profile.

Dating Advice for Mormon Men

Updated with a new #8! 

A frequent commenter on this blog recently suggested I write a book of dating advice for LDS singles.  I don't feel qualified to write that book for women, I feel like I haven't figured it out for myself yet.  But, I definitely know what the Mormon men out there are doing wrong.  This got me thinking. First, I'm not trying to beat up on Mormon men, they've got it hard enough. But there are patterns I've noticed that are hurting the men's chances with the ladies.

So I'd like to share some advice right now.  Below is a list of tips for avoiding the most obnoxious LDS male dating behavior that makes women like me run screaming back into non-LDS land. (This is not exclusive to Mormon men, but for some reason, the prevalence is much higher.)*

*All Mormon men do not need this advice, some of them are very good daters.

1. Women don't like cheap.  

I don't know what goes on in Utah, but in the rest of the world, frugality is NOT cool or impressive on a date. VERY unattractive.  Women are impressed by your financial power and success, this is an evolutionary fact. Nature has dictated that we be attracted by men who can take care of our physical needs.  As disgusting as that is, and it pains me to say it, but it is absolutely true. Before you men get judgmental about it, it's the equivalent to the way Nature made you attracted to beauty (or fertile women with good DNA).  Even if you're not financially successful, you should treat her as though you did have the cash. (Cut back on your video game habit if you have to.)  If you like the woman, take her to a nice restaurant and treat her like a queen. The sexiest line I've ever heard from a man was, "You don't ever have to worry about how much anything costs." All of my girlfriends swooned when I told them about it.

2.  Do not make a big show out of paying the check. 

Don't show off how much tip you are leaving (but don't be chintzy on the tip either, we notice), do not tell your date how much dinner cost or your tickets or whatever.  And for the love of all things holy, do not complain about how much it cost.  That says to us that you don't think our company is worth that amount of money.  She will never want to go out with you again. 

3. Dress up.  

My biggest pet peeve, and it's worse with LDS guys, is a man showing up for a first date, or any date in jeans, a t-shirt and tennis shoes.  (Unless it's appropriate to the event you are attending, but even then, you should try to dress up as much as possible.) Because the woman probably spent AT LEAST an hour getting dressed up for him and he shows up in clothes he'd wear to hang out with the guys. It pisses me off.  It is disrespectful.  It tells me that you do not like me enough to bother getting dressed.  It's a compliment for you to dress up for your date. And it scores you instant points right at the beginning.

4. Ask the woman out on a date and be a man about it.    

Ask her out to her face. Do not text, do not email, do not IM. The phone is acceptable, the other forms of media are weenie and make you look like a weenie. So if she does accept, you already have a strike against you. You should make all the plans for the first date.  Have everything taken care of ahead of time. Just make sure you talk to her first. You don't want to take a vegetarian to a steakhouse. 

5. Ask the woman on a real date and be a man about it.

This is not a typo, it bears repeating. Do not ask a woman on a stealth date. You all know you have done this. In order to avoid getting rejected, you ask the women to an ambiguous activity in an ambiguous way so that she could construe it as friendly instead of a date. It is annoying not to know if the man I'm about to go out with is interested in dating me or not. And it is annoying for me not to know whether I'm dressing up for a date or whether I can expect to pay for myself or not.  ANNOYING.  It makes you look like a weenie and gives you negative points.  Be direct. Let the woman know you are taking her out because you like her.  We like that.

6. Do not be coy, do not make us chase you.  

We don't want to chase you.  Because the man who tells us directly that he likes us and wants to date us and asks us out on real dates is right around the corner.  That man will get the girl, not you. We aren't programmed to be aggressive, and it hurts our self-esteem. Many of us have non-Mormon men assertively chasing us.  That makes the shy Mormon boys look bad, and again, weenie. So you're already losing before you even got to the plate. You're a grown man, get over it and grow a pair.   

7. Show some manners.  

Good manners go an awful long way with the ladies.  It tells us that you respect us and that you like us enough to treat us well. It's also a preview of how you might treat your wife.  Please and thank you, hold the door, show her consideration, offer your coat if she's cold, etc. Everything your mother taught you. For example, if you're meeting your date at the theater and she happened to have bought the last ticket unknowingly (though she shouldn't be buying it in the first place) DO NOT LEAVE HER AT THE THEATER by herself.  Buy 2 tickets to another movie, or sneak in with her anyway. Or, DO NOT PEE IN THE PARKING LOT IN FRONT OF HER. Especially after she asked you not to do it.

How could I forget this last one? It's the absolute WORST behavior!

8. Do not audition us for dates! Commit to one night with a woman already!!

Really.  If you find a woman intriguing or at all interesting, ask her on a date (see #4, #5).  That's what other men do.  It's one night of your life.   So, if it sucks, now you know and you can move on.  Think of all the time you just saved yourself.   You don't have to wonder about her anymore.  No more auditions or tests.  One date and it's "Next".   Not to mention that this makes women angry.   If a man can't commit to spending two hours with me, then he is an annoying weenie.

An example:  There are now 3 eligible men in my ward (which is unprecedented, we've had a 200% increase!).  One of them isn't interested in me.  One stares at me but won't speak.  The third says hello (and it took him two years to do that) and makes googly eyes at me.  I'd go out with any of them if they asked.  But unless they man up and do it, I couldn't care less. 

NOTE: When I feel so-so about a man and then he treats me well and does all of the above, my so-so turns into yes-yes.  Likewise, I could be really excited about a man until he fails to do the above, moving him down to so-so or no-no. These behaviors often determine whether you get a second date or not. They are that important.

Some readers might think this is so obvious they don't need to be said. But, you'd be wrong about that. I've had the dates to prove it.  Believe me, an awful lot of men out there never learned any of this, or they forgot it, or, they think they are god's gift to women and can act like jerks if they want to. Good luck with that.

The Rival

It makes me sad mostly.  Another single woman 30+ in my ward has tried to befriend me.  But.  I don't care for her friendship.  I tried.  I could tell she was lonely and  in need of companionship, I knew what that was like. So, I felt duty-bound to accept her overtures as a comrade in arms.  Some expensive debacles later, I realized that I couldn't afford her friendship.  We have since maintained a fake friendship at church which makes me somewhat ill, but it's not worth having a conflict over.  Now, however, she is treating me like her rival. 

Last summer I met a nice Mormon man online and I asked him out because he was attractive, employed and local.  He took me to a soccer game.  I knew by the end of the night that I did not want to go out with him again.  Meanwhile, I was still trying to be a real friend to the woman.  When she asked about my weekend, I told her about the date.  She nearly drooled at the mention of a man who took me to a soccer game.  She went on and on about how much she loved soccer, that she used to play in college, blah blah. 

The dude emailed me because he wanted to go out again.  I felt bad because he was sweet and good.  But, we had nothing in common except the church and I didn't find his company compelling.  I asked the woman if she was interested in meeting him.  She was very interested.  So I set it up. They both agreed as long as I was there too. *Groan.*  I organized the whole thing, considering it a duty of friendship. 

She wanted to go to the mall. *Double groan.*  She needed a ride, she always does.  Fine.  (I was also still wearing the splint having just had a metal plate surgically attached to my wrist and was still in pain but able to drive.)  I was in the middle of my summer financial fiasco and had just enough from unemployment to pay my rent.  My friend knew this, I had described my situation in detail so she'd know that I couldn't spend any money.

I had never been to this mall.  When we got there she told me to park at a large retailer across the street to avoid the parking fee.  She promised that everyone else who drove her to the mall ALWAYS parked there. It was perfectly safe.  I didn't see the very small signs warning mall patrons not to park there.  After the date, which seemed to go well enough, the gentleman walked us to the parking lot.  We couldn't find my car! At first I thought it was stolen.  I don't have comprehensive insurance so I started freaking out.

Then my friend said, "Maybe they towed your car?"  "WHAT???? Why would they tow my car?"  "Because the signs say you are not allowed to park here to go to the mall."  But. You told me to park here. ARE YOU KIDDING ME???? I could not afford to get my car out of impound.  I couldn't even afford to get home on the bus.  We found the no parking signs and called the tow company. They confirmed they had my car.  I started to cry.

I asked the gentleman if he could drive me home.  He agreed, but then he asked me how much it cost.  $190.  He offered to take me to the lot and lend me the money to get my car. (!!!)  He was the absolute definition of a gentleman.  Sooo sweet.  I promised him that I would get the money from my parents and pay him back right away.  So we got my car.  The woman.  She said she was very sorry.  That was all.  She offered no help with the cost.  She never offered to pay for any of it at all.  Not one single red cent. I only parked there solely because of her.  Nada.  Nothing.  Not even an apology for not helping me to pay.  

Before we all parted, the two of them said they wanted to go out again, for thai food.  The three of us.  I said I couldn't afford it and they offered to pay for me.  Fine.  I didn't want to go but I owed the very, very nice man.  

The next week, we went out. I could barely stand the sight of the woman because I was so angry.  But I put on my best fakey-fake demeanor (which isn't very good.)  The two of them ordered appetizers and juice and desserts.  I thought they were paying, so I ordered along with them.  Then the check came, $60 after tax and tip.  I happened to have a $20 in my pocket because I was going to the ATM afterwards to deposit it because my account was $20 short of the rent.  If I didn't get it in there, the check could bounce.  

Everyone looked at the check uncomfortably and said nothing.  I couldn't stand it.  I wanted to go home already, I had some work on a research proposal that I needed done yesterday.  So I picked up the check and said, "Why don't we each pay 20?"  I expected them to protest and offer to pay my share.  They did not.  My rent check bounced.  For the second month in a row.  I could be evicted for that in Jersey.  They both wanted to do this again.  Not on a cold day in hell.  They never went out together.  I ignored her calls afterwards because I knew I couldn't be civil with her. 

We've been fake friends ever since.  A few weeks ago, we were sitting together in Sunday school when an attractive man in his 30s, very smartly dressed, approached us.  I had never seen him before. They knew each other and started chatting.  I waited for the woman to introduce me.  She did not.  I even tried inserting myself into the conversation but she shut me out.  Eventually, after five minutes or so, I walked away.  Later, I asked her who he was.  She said, "Oh! That's so and so. You don't know him? I thought you did.  He always introduces himself to new people.  If I had known I would have introduced you."  I asked if she was dating him.  She said, "No. But he's good looking, right?' "Right. You should go out with him." "Me? Oh, no, no, no. I couldn't." "Okay."  I took that as the all clear for me to date him should the opportunity arise.  

Since, I have seen the smart man looking at me, often.  So, a week or two after not meeting him, the woman and I were talking in the lobby.  He was leaving, saw us, turned around and came over to talk.  He asked her about something.  I waited to be introduced.  I was not.  The woman, not only did not introduce me, she turned her body so that her back was facing me and I was shut out of the conversation, again.  At one point, the man looked right at me and asked if I ever got migraines.  I said 'no' and he looked disappointed then turned back to the woman. Oh, those suave single mormon men!   I got bored and walked away.  This time, her omission was not accidental.  She knew I hadn't met him.  She, clearly, did not want me to meet him.  Whatever.  I went home.  

It's been a few months.  The man travels for business so he's not always there.  He looks but he has never approached.  I tried to smile at him last week but he wouldn't make eye contact.  I suspect my 'friend' told him I had a boyfriend.  Because she knew I had one once.   She asked me about him on the first day I didn't meet the smart man.   I told her that my boyfriend kept breaking up with me so I really didn't know what my situation was, other than I probably didn't have a boyfriend.  So, now, in addition to not liking her, I don't trust her.

If I cared, I would go introduce myself to the man.  But I don't.  I just can't believe the juvenile behavior of that woman.  It's pitiful and sad.   

The Impossible (more single complications)

"Look, all the light's gone out of your pretty face, just like it's gone out of George." *

My mind and heart are divided against themselves. Conflicting desires, the cold steely knife of reason, and the ache of longing and regret all swirl around inside me. I lost the best relationship and the best man I've ever had because I'm Mormon. That wasn't the only reason, but it was primary. Otherwise, we would have lasted much longer. He wouldn't have been so fatalistic about our future. And if there had been sex, he wouldn't have broken up with me when he did. The truth is, unless a man is looking for a wife, there's no reason for him to pursue a Mormon woman.

The other men I lost for that reason were no loss. They weren't worth my time. This one, was different. Very different. No one else ever treated me so well in all my life. He had everything I wanted in a man, and more, he is: passionate, witty, intellectual, smolderingly sexy, talented, affectionate, and geeky and dark in all the right ways. He was my bespectacled Smiths boy. We loved the same kinds of things, music, movies and our nerdy stuff. I liked his novels and stories, he liked talking about my work. Our oddness was perfectly suited for one another. Being with him was . . . there wasn't enough time in a day.

Also unlike the others, he liked all of me. I wasn't his trophy. He really loved me. He loved everything about me, everything except the Mormon thing. The Mormon and celibacy thing. Can that kind of difference be worked out? Others have done it. Many have not. I wanted to try. He thought it was impossible, "We're too different."
"Not really. We're completely compatible, except for religion."
"That's big."
Sigh . . . "I suppose."

So, he ended it and went away.

Reluctantly. Torn. Hurting.

As for me, "I won't be okay and I won't pretend I am." **

How am I supposed to deal with this? Everything inside me screams at me to give it up and go be with him. But I can't. I made promises to God. A God I cannot see nor touch. My commitment to those promises has to compete with the most visceral and real of human experiences, that of loving another, a person I can see and touch. Someone I miss so much it makes my body hurt. And as I miss him, I have to remember my promises, recommit to them even. I have to fight myself in order to keep my resolve against the other parts of me, the parts that hurt. This sends me through combinations of sadness, anger, longing, love, hurt, regret, denial, confusion, and grief. Those feelings are normal for a serious break-up, but the religion aspect adds layers of emotional complication. Because something good in my life got tangled up with something really bad. Because I loved that man, but I also love my God.

Sometimes, when I let my mind drift, I think about how much easier it would be to give in. Give up the fight and go back to him. Let him love me the way he wants to. But, I can't. I can't because I know what I know. I can't deny the life that I've had, a lifetime of being loved by my God. For as long as I can remember, He loved me, always, when no one else did. He was there and I knew it. I survived my childhood solely because of that relationship. Without it, I would have killed myself, really. That was the one thing that kept me from putting a blade through my veins. How can I ever turn my back on that? I will not. Not for anyone. Not for a man I love, and not for myself.

Regardless, I'm wise enough to know that renouncing my religion would not save the relationship. It would forever come between us. I'd always resent him for it and he'd always feel guilty. That alone is enough to destroy a relationship. And, no one should sacrifice themselves, who they are, for a relationship. That's what I would be doing. It would create an imbalanced and unhealthy partnership, doomed from the start.

Still, part of me yearns to give in anyway. The foolish and physical parts want my will to break. Luckily, I am stronger than that. (Luckily? Really?) So I keep clinging to my resolve. And I try to comfort myself. I remember to believe that this too shall pass, that my feelings will fade.  I'm just not sure how long it will take, or how to clear away the emotional sludge. I really hope it goes away. There is nothing I can do now but wait.

Logically, I know I could find someone else, somewhere there must be someone who will accept all of this, who will accept me. But, right now, I don't want someone else. I can't imagine anyone I would like more. It's him. He's the one I want to be with. He is so extraordinary and wonderful, and it took me 34 years to find him.  Yes, there will be more men. They've already come back and are crawling around. But, since I couldn't work these things out with him, I wonder if I ever will with anyone.  It feels impossible, like this kind of goodness will never happen again.

"There's only one thing impossible, that is to love and to part." 

*--Mr. Emerson, A Room With a View

**--Snow Patrol, "Just Say Yes" (Download)

**NOTE: To those concerned commentors, thank you. But I absolutely did not give up, I tried to fight for us. HE BROKE UP WITH ME. I wanted to keep going.

Single Complications

Married life is complicated. Granted. Not being married, I don't have to deal with raising children, complex budgets and schedules, living with other people and all the other tangible complications of having a family. But, not having to deal with those complexities does not make my life simple. Regarding tangibles, yes, it is simple. I only have to take care of myself. I have far fewer responsibilities. However, it's the things you don't see that make single lives complicated. I am not suggesting my life is harder than anyone else's, it isn't. But my life and those of other singles are as hard as everyone else's. Some married people seem to think otherwise. They're wrong.

For example, what seems a simple act, getting myself to church on Sunday is anything but simple. I don't have to drag kids out of bed or get them fed and dressed. But, the difficulty is psychological. Because I know it makes me feel bad to go to church. Sometimes I go home in tears because it's the loneliest place in the world. But, I also know it's good for me. In general, my life runs more smoothly when I attend. For whatever reason, it makes me better equipped to handle my problems. (It's also healthy for the physical brain to spend a few hours each week thinking of positive and spiritual things. It improves brain function) So, I know I need to go. I need to demonstrate my faith by making the effort to attend. In other words, if I don't go, I feel bad. And, if I do go, I feel bad.

In the long run, it's better to suck it up and go to church, it ultimately reduces my suffering. In the short term, it's very hard. There have been years of my life when I couldn't force myself to do it. For three years straight I set my alarm clock every Sunday but never made it. Sometimes I'd get so far as to dress, a few times I even drove half-way there only to turn around and go home. The whole production of getting myself to church is a battle between my ego and my superego. On a drowsy Sunday morning, after going out on Saturday night, my Superego is usually sleeping. Which means I shut the alarm off, roll over and join it.

Another psychological complication of being single is the simple act of seeking comfort after a bad day. How does a 30-something single cheer herself up? We all have our tricks: eat ice cream, watch bad tv, go shopping, escape on the computer. Those things work for a minute, as a distraction. In the end they are empty and the temporary comfort passes quickly. You can visit your friends or call them to talk, that works better. But, people are busy. And they get tired of hearing about it. They have more important things to do, like feed their kids.

As friends get married and multiply, you lose your backup support. They start to say things like, "Why can't you just get over it?" and, "You'll feel better if you get a life." They forget what it was like to be alone. Then it gets harder to make that call. So you learn it's easier, simpler, to indulge in your distractions instead: over-eat, take a bath, go to bed. Often, those things make you feel worse. But trying to do something to really make yourself feel better is too hard.

The worst part of being single is the complex horror show that is modern dating. Enough said. Oh, and worse than that, the relationship, made more complicated if inter-religious.

Try having a serious romantic relationship with a person who doesn't believe in your religious chastity laws. That's complicated. You have to explain. You have to convince him you're not crazy, just weird. You have to draw a line, a line that gets moved. Then you have to try to move the line backwards (good luck). You have to negotiate the non-negotiable. You have to police your activities and be the prude -- un-fun for everyone! Feelings and egos get bruised. Rejection. Resentment. Conflict. All of this results from the simple and natural act of showing affection.

As the relationship progresses and emotions deepen, it gets even more complicated. Eventually, kissing begins to suck. And not in a good way. This leads to an Id, Ego, and Superego war: This feels good, now it feels bad; I want to, I can't; I shouldn't, we shouldn't. Then, come the regrets: I hurt him.   It went too far.  How do I make him understand I'm not rejecting him?  That I do want him? How far is too far? Do I need to repent for that? I am 34, after all. This is humiliating, for both of us.

The hardest thing for me lately has been the loss of the best relationship I've ever had. Mostly, I lost him for the sake of my religion. What is that like emotionally?  Messy.  Awful. Embittering.  It's all swirling around inside my head and my heart . . . anger, confusion, grief, love, desire., faith.  What I want and don't want, and what I want to want and don't want to want.  I  want to love him.   I need a loving relationship.  He's a good man.  I want to give.  It's not so simple.  I made covenants with God not to. 

I am suffering for my faith.  Do marrieds have to do that?

MORE Single Complications

Poll Results: The Date Should have Ended When He

When he. . . .:

1. Promised to take me dancing but showed me a DVD in his apartment. (For obvious reasons, he wanted to make-out and then some.)
2. Told me he couldn't stop staring at the slutty girl's breasts. (Wasn't that nice, and so honest of him?)
3. Told me off because I forgot he had to feed his sick cat at 8pm. (Actually, all I did was ask if we could see an earlier movie than the 10 pm, that's when he went off.)
4. Took me to a Bruce Springsteen concert.

The votes are in, #2 won with a whopping 3 votes! We had one vote for #4.

These things really happened to me, with four different men. That's important in order to raise the sympathy factor for me. 4 different men. If it was all done by the same person, I'd be the idiot for continuing to see him.

You chose #2 but the correct answer is:..... #4. I know, not obvious. Let me explain.

The only actual date that ended was #3. We were making plans via email. He sent me a nasty paragraph-long response to my request that we make our date earlier. He said that he 'was sorry, but his cat came first. I should have known that he had to feed his cat at 8 pm and 10 was the only time could go. He thought I understood that.' I replied that of course I understood, but I was no longer in the mood for a movie.

#1, the guy was a sleaze. I should have gone home when he told me it was too late to go dancing. Are you kidding me? It's NYC. It was only 11 on a Friday night. That's when the dancing starts.

#2 happened while I was in Scotland for 5 days with my long distance fling. It was only day 3, so I couldn't end it. And I couldn't go home. I really wasn't very bothered by his dumb remark. We were on our way back from Glasgow after a long day. I already knew he was unmannered and immature so I overlooked it. But, still, it was not cute. And I should have paid more attention given what happened later.

#4. This was the best guy. He actually was nice, respectful, and a real gentleman. I had agreed, reluctantly, to go. That was my mistake, not his. I had no idea what I was in for. I never liked Springsteen much, but his music never offended me and I never thought it was awful, some of the songs were catchy and cute. And it was a favor to the guy who had to go with his boss-- to see the boss, ha ha.

The problem was, I had to sit through 3 hours of Springsteen in Madison Square Garden. His music is not annoying until after the first 30 minutes. Then you realize that it all sounds exactly the same: jangling bells, horns and organ, and his shouting, it never ends It began to get very grating. Then, there was the hour long set when he played his entire new album, the artsy jazzish one. It was one of the longest hours of my life. Horrible and painful. Imagine Springsteen slow and moody. At one point, a tuba player came out on stage. There was also an accordion. Then, there was an accordion AND a tuba playing at the same time!! F or the love of all things holy, there should never be a tuba player at a rock concert, nor should there ever be an accordion! The hideous conjunction of the two wrongs made me feel like I had gone to hell. The music was supposed to be dark and deep. It was. In the worst way.

Then there was the crowd: Beer-swilling, middle-aged, wealthy New Jerseyians (tickets cost upwards of 1k for good seats). Beer got spilled on me multiple times. During the concert, we both got so bored, we texted each other throughout. The only highlight of the night was that Elvis Costello came out for an encore and sang with Bruce. And Bruce obviously did not like to share the stage with another star. The two of them competed for the center stage spotlight until Elvis gave up. That was amusing. And I enjoyed seeing the juxtaposition of their clothing. Bruce with his jeans, T-shirt and sneakers; Elvis with his Italian leather shoes and dark Armani ensemble. (How I adore British men). Other than that, I wished I had stayed home. The guy agreed when I told him he owed me big time. But I never went out with him again. (I would have, he was a good guy, but things were getting serious with someone else so it was time to end it with him anyway.)

So that's why the date should have ended before it even began.

The Anger

It's 3 am. I haven't been sleeping. Today was hard. I've been angry this week, very angry.  I discovered a new vein on the side of my forehead. Tuesday, at work in the bathroom mirror, I could see this vein bulging out thick with blood, it did that all night. No vein today, but every time I let the anger go, tears welled up. Mostly this happened between classes at work, so I had to suck it up and put the anger back on. Just being there makes me sad now. I had to shamefully sneak into the department to pick up my mail because I didn't want to run into anyone.

I'm angry at them. That they fired me without any warning. That I had to beg them to tell me the truth. That when they finally did, they made it personal.  They called me Indifferent after 7 years of giving blood, sweat and tears.  I'm angry at myself for doing the things they said I did.  For not having a clue. 

I'm angry that I trusted someone, decided to love him and the very next day he went away.  I'm angry that I essentially had the same relationship twice last year, with two different men. The same quick build-up of passion, overwhelming romance, he said 'I love you', acted like he loved me, said he wanted this to last permanently, made me believe him. Until I returned the feeling. Then I got dumped. Both times. Sudden. Cold. Awful. Goodbye.  Because they were afraid. Yet, they both still wanted to be "friends". They couldn't be without me. Nor could they, or would they, be with me.  So our relationships continued, as romantic "friends", without commitment or a future. And failed miserably, of course. 

And I wonder why I bother with men who don't want me. Why I put myself through that. Why I think I have to wait for them to change their minds, again. Waiting is crap. I deserve better. I want someone who wants to love me. Me. As I am. Now. Not begrudgingly because they can't help it. Not maybe sometime later. Not when they're un-broken, not when they're un-unemployed, not when they're done with the girl they've shacked up with, not when my meds start working, and not after they grow a pair. Have me now, or never.  

I'm angry that after days like today, when I spent all day grading papers then lectured four and a half  hours, wanting to cry throughout, and my last class acted like jerks, so I came home exhausted at 9 pm and I needed a comforting hug, that there was none. That I don't know what to do anymore.  All I can do at this point is put my life in the Lord's hands. Become more spiritual and obedient. Try to be better. Pray for the best. Keep myself from drowning.

I'm angry at the man who hurt me. That I keep remembering the wonderful things, the more wonderful, the more angry I get. Because without that anger, knowing he is gone from my life forever makes my chest feel swollen, so swollen it's hard to breathe and I start choking for air. When I see him in my mind, his cute nose under his beautiful green eyes, smiling so radiantly, like there's no where else in the world he'd rather be than with me, holding me, and I remember how it felt, sweet and warm and cozy and safe, my body humming happily with his, and how much I wished we never had to let go . . .  it's then, that I really, really, need to be angry.

The Future, BlogPoll Results!

First, I would like to assure my readers that they should fear no more bad poetry on this blog. It seemed like a good idea at 3 a.m. Besides, you know you have bad poetry hidden in the back of a drawer somewhere. Uh-huh, exactly.



Poll Results are coming in...

The tribe has spoken, we have an overwhelming winner of the Future of CitC blogpoll. Results below, including JL's interview with herself for her reactions to the votes.
And the winner is . . .

Keep the blog as is, write on sister! with 14 votes. --

I hear you. I do have a backlog of some of my best worst dates from back in my player days.It's going to be awhile until I get back to those. I would like to keep this a forum for singles to commiserate, vent and advocate for ourselves. I will not, however, be blogging the story of my last relationship, it meant too much to me. And the last thing I need is to think about him. But I will blog about how I'm getting over it, and maybe some issues raised by the relationship. Like: Is wanting no kids a dealbreaker? When do you bring up the celibacy thing? When should you make it exclusive? How long before a divorcee is dateable?

Runners up:
3 votes: Reformat CitC into a non-dating blog. --

CitC hasn't been much of a dating blog in the last few years anyway, or, much of a blog at all, for that matter, but, stick around and see what happens. I'll still be blogging about my madness. And my career. And being single in the church. And The adventures of living life on the edge of poverty with ADD. And the city. The problem with that now is, I've been here so long I don't notice New York as much. Also, I live across the Hudson, albeit less than a mile from Manhattan. But it makes a difference. (I want to go back! I miss you, NYC!)

1 vote: Never blog again! No one cares!--

Well, isn't someONE a sour-puss. No one is forcing you to read this blog. If you don't like it, click along elsewhere.

Thank you for participating, my 18 loyal readers! Thank you for returning for the resuscitation of CitC.

Going Off the Market (but not offline)

No more men. No more dates. No more wasted energy and time. As my friend Angela said, "you can't get orange juice from apples, no matter how hard you squeeze." I've been squeezing apples with no oranges in sight.

I have things to do. I have to get my career on track. Dig myself out of this financial hole. Create the life I always wanted; that I was on track to achieve until I got hit with the bi-polar. I'm going to marry my life. Woe to the man who gets in my way.

It's not that I have spent years wasting time on men, I haven't. I had a relationship in 2005, two relationships in 2009. In between, I had occasional dates and online flirtations; but I mostly concentrated on mending my broken soul. Last year, I finally felt okay enough to really get out there, to actively pursue a love life. But I found sour apples.

I do not need a man. I do not need to get married. I need to take better care of myself. I need to become useful and productive. I'm 34 now. I won't find a Mormon man my age. There are some out there, but they aren't interested in me, because I'm too independent or educated, or whatever it is. And now, I'm probably too old. Why pursue a 34 year old when there's a gaggle of girls in their 20s available? I have tried having relationships with non-Mormons, but that seems nigh impossible. Thank you, sexual revolution.

Onward and upward, by myself.

JL, blogging again. Stop the Madness!

I couldn't write for a long time. I got lost. Now I have a lot to say.
The past year has been unbelievably eventful. Here's the short version of the last 12 months of my life.

It started with the shock and insult received from the director of my graduate program, telling me to give up and go teach community college. In February, I had a crazy love affair with someone in Scotland. The passion blazed hot and short. We were done by April. Then came my spring madness, in the form of hours-long anxiety attacks. In May, I broke my wrist, had surgery on it and was laid up for 3 months. The anxiety attacks got worse throughout the summer, almost daily for 6 hours and incapacitatingly intense. It wasted me. By August, my doc finally found something to help, an epilepsy drug. It made the attacks go away, but also made me stupid. I couldn't put a sentence together for weeks. That wore off by September, just in time to teach. I could function. I could live again. I picked up my life and ran.

It was all good. I started dating, dates every week. I joined some clubs to meet new people. Most of the men weren't Mormon, and very geeky (I have a thing for them). That's when the blog went offline. No doubt they'd google 'mormon dating' and they'd find it. I also got to work. I hired a coach to help me finish my Incompletes. It didn't work, but he did get me back to yoga and learning the cello, that made a huge difference in my well-being. Life was great! I hadn't felt so good in 6 years! Hadn't been so productive nor had such an active social life. Then the eve before Halloween, I met someone. Quite someone. And life got a little bit fabulous.

Until February. It started unraveling, along with my mental health. The curse of the bi-polar. It started with the $300 a month pay cut for the semester. Ouch! No more coach. I can't afford to go out. The spring madness is full on. So I couldn't handle the fake-relationship with my Someone. Two days ago, he absolutely ended things between us forever, again. I'm devastated. Meanwhile, Capital One Bank is suing me. I missed the deadline to answer so now I automatically lose. And it gets even better....

I've been praying for months for a way out of this hole. (I've said it before, and it is worth repeating, be very careful what you pray for...) Yesterday, I got fired. Well, they aren't re-appointing me for the fall which amounts to the same thing. They sent me a letter. I was in the car with my visiting teaching companion when I opened it, I thought it was something insignificant. Complete shock! I had no idea this was coming. I've been there since 2003. I started blubbering in the car. But I had to dry my tears and go visit. 

When I got home, I opened a letter from the courts. That couldn't be good news. It wasn't. It was a tenancy summons. I was ordered to vacate my apartment. Eviction??!!!!! Are you kidding me??? I couldn't even cry. I just started shaking. That's not a message to move on, it's a literal kick on the rear out onto the streets. Thankfully, it was a msitake. No eviction. Still. A sign is a sign. Fired and evicted on the same day is a flashing grotesque neon sign a la Times Square.

Yet, this is a beginning. I am on the verge of a massive life change. I've felt it for awhile. After my 34th birthday, I mandated it. I took a look at my life. I've accomplished nothing in the last 4 years, they may as well never have happened. And, I am no better off than I was 8 years ago when I moved to NYC. How did I let so much time pass so wastefully? It really horrified me. I had a total 'how-can-I-be-this-age-with-this-kind-of-life?' birthday crisis. Wasn't I just 30 years old? Now it's 2010. !!!!! I have to do something. Now.

Escape Plan A: Go to the UK. Write my dissertation and get a D.Phil in 2 years. [You can't do that in the US, they make you start over. It would take 5 more years.]

Plan B: I don't know, but I'm planning. I need to physically get out of this place. Go elsewhere. Serve. Do something to make other people's lives better, rather than living to satisfy my own selfish desires. But how, and where? There's always a way.

It really never stops, my life. But I'm stronger now, I can handle this. I can eat this for breakfast.

Men on Women: Correction

I came across this blog post today, it horrified me. Is this really what men think of us? I'm going to assume that these are the conclusions of a special type of man. Nevertheless, it was published and needs correcting.

Askmen.com

The writer gives his explanation of 'Women's mind games'. His basic response to each 'game' said that women are trying to gain power in the relationship. Granted, some women are like this, the players. The women who date purely as a means of gratification. The women who date in order to meet a nice man, a boyfriend and/or potential husband, are not acting from manipulation.

The Meeting Stage
Sexy clothes
She wears provocative clothing and then gets mad when you check her out ("My eyes are up here ...").
What's her mind game?: No logic here at all -- of course men are going to look and she knows it. And when they do, she castigates them for their normal and natural interest.

CORRECTION: SHE DOES WANT YOUR ATTENTION, SHE WANTS HIM TO BE ATTRACTED TO HER, AND, SHE ALSO WANTS HIM TO LISTEN AND BE RESPECTFUL. A man who likes her enough, can manage to do both. *Sadly, some women don't even respect themselves which can show in her clothing-- but she's probably not the one saying 'my eyes are up here'.

Shallow initial contact
She'll come on to you, flirt, even act sexually suggestive with absolutely no intention of going on a date or getting involved.
What's her mind game?: She wants to get a rise out of you to assure herself that she's still attractive to the men. Surprisingly, a lot of attached women play this game.

CORRECT. AND BECAUSE IT IS FUN. ALSO, WE'LL DO IT IF WE WANT SOMETHING FROM YOU-- like tearing up the traffic ticket, a free drink or extra slice of pizza... MEN DO THE SAME THING. And it's not like they don't get anything out of it, they love the attention.

and

CORRECTION: WOMEN OFTEN FLIRT IN ORDER TO SIZE MEN UP. She was probably interested initially, but he turned her off by acting like a jerk. or SHE WAS UNDECIDED and flirted to find out if he was worth her time. In this case, not. or SOMETIMES--it's rare but happens--SHE IS TESTING THE GUY FOR HER FRIEND-- if the friend wants her opinion before she makes a move. Sometimes the friend is already dating him and wants to know if he's a player.

**REMEMBER: Nice women don't decide they want a man based solely on his looks. It requires some research.

No phone call
She'll give out her number with no intention of dating you. Or she'll take your number and never call you.
What's her mind game?: This is another bid for power. She just wants to reassure herself that she can control men with her sexuality.

CORRECTION: HAHAHAHA... MEN WISH!!!!! You can't seriously believe that? WE DO IT BECAUSE WE ARE NOT INTERESTED. The number is probably fake to begin with, if not, you caught her off guard. In college, we all used the Cafeteria Menu Line--WOMEN EXCHANGE NUMBERS TO GET RID OF MEN AS POLITELY AS POSSIBLE. We were raised to be sugar and spice and everything nice so we don't want to hurt your feelings. OR, WE CAME TO OUR SENSES LATER, realizing you weren't worth our time afterall.

Hard to get
She turns you down for a date or doesn't return your call, even if she's interested in going out with you.
What's her mind game?: Sometimes this is simply a power play and sometimes what she wants is for you to chase her, to determine how desperate you are for sex. If you bite, then she knows she's totally in control of the relationship and you'll forever jump to the crack of her whip.

CORRECTION: MAYBE SHE'S BUSY. MAYBE SHE'S NOT SURE IF SHE LIKES HIM--she's doing a wait-and-see. MAYBE SHE LIKES HIM, BUT, THE MAN IS BEING RUDE AND PUSHY...if so, then yes, he needs re-training. We have to let men know our boundaries up front. Otherwise, he thinks he can treat you anyway he wants. I turned down a date today because the guy emailed me at midnight last night and was demanding about it. I don't want to go out with someone who thinks I'm at his beck-and-call. But he can try again, I hope he does.

SEMI-CORRECT: WE DO LIKE YOU TO CHASE US-- WHEN WE MAKE YOU CHASE US, YOUR INTEREST INCREASES EXPONENTIALLY. Since I've implemented my new policy of not initiating with men and sometimes not returning a call or email, my love-life has improved ten-fold. One guy complained that I didn't act like I was interested enough. Then he wrote and recorded 4 songs for me that weekend! MEN LOVE IT. You think you don't, but all evidence is to the contrary.

This 'article' or blog post continues a few more pages. The stuff about how women act during relationships was even worse, but I'm bored already--maybe I'll pick up on the rest later. I had to stand up for my gender. Most women are not motivated primarily by power and sex.

One of the 127 comments, from floria_aemilia :

A lot of these games are not about power but insecurity, which you would know if you bothered to actually ask a girl why she behaves like she does instead of just assuming that it must be a power trip. Then you might feel some empathy for her vulnerability.

AMEN SISTER, AMEN.