Dear Celibate: Advice for a 24 y.o.

Dear Celibate:
I am 24 years old, almost 25, and am a recent convert to the Church.  I live in the NE, where there aren't many members.  This summer though, I am moving to Arizona where there are lots of singles (hopefully my age?).  I recently had a very hard break up to a guy that I was supposed to marry.  It has been very tough for me, but I am starting to move on and realize that there has to be something better out there for me.  I know I shouldn't say this, but I feel old (according to Mormon standards) and I am worried about meeting a guy in Arizona my age or older.  My question to you is, what would you tell your 25-year-old self if you could go back and do it again?

Dear 24 year old,

 Congratulations on joining the church. The best way to get over a lost love is to find a new one. So, good for you for getting out there.
First, YOU ARE NOT OLD!!!!!  Snap out of it. I know it seems that way at church. But that is a warped perception of reality.
Second:  There are tons of Mormons in Arizona. You should be fine out there. However, coming from the east coast and being a convert, you will find dating Mo'men tricky.  Honestly, I still don't know how to date them.  They do not behave the way east coast non-LDS men do.  In my experience GENERALLY, I've found that they don't ask women out, they have no assertiveness and they prefer to date/marry below themselves, and they fear accomplished independent women.  Also, they like cheesy home-crafted gifts from women-- at least, the women seem to think so.  I wish I could tell you more about them, but it's outside my expertise.  The best thing to do is find some good girlfriends in the church who aren't jealous of you.  (That means that have to be as pretty as you are or prettier and have healthy self-esteems.)   Sadly, you can't trust some of the other single women because some of them can be vicious when it comes to dating.  That's what happens when you raise women to be desperate for marriage.  Try to find a nice western LDS friend who could explain how to date Mormon men.   ***MOST IMPORTANTLY: Don't feel bad about yourself if they are not asking you out.  It's not you, it's them. ****

What would I do differently if I could go back?  If only I could have the last five years of my life back!  But I've got ten years on you so here's what I've learned.

• NEVER sell yourself short. Don't think that because you are old (which you are NOT) or a convert or whatever that you have to date/marry someone below yourself.  Demand equality in your partner.  Equal intellect, equal education, equal values. Otherwise, you are wasting your time.  I wasted a lot of time on losers because I thought that was the best I could do.  My standards get higher as I get older.
• Don't date someone just because he is there. I did a lot of this in my 20s. The guy was okay, he asked me out so I said yes because there was no one else around. You are wasting your time. Don't. 
• Learn how to say 'No'.  Just say no if you are not interested in seeing someone.  Say No when he wants to go further physically than you do. I had a boyfriend I never liked for 6 months because I didn't know how to say 'No' the first time he asked me out and then I didn't know how to dump him after I kept saying 'yes'. 
• Don't make excuses for him.  If he is treating you badly, there is NO EXCUSE.  We have a tendency to explain away men's bad behavior so we can make them seem better than they are, so we can see them the way we want them to be.  If he is treating you badly in the beginning, it will only get worse later on.  RUN--Do not walk. 
• Take control.   Take control of the relationship and make him come to you. Do not call first, do not always answer, do not try to advance the relationship in any way.  Always try to keep your hand.  When you give him too much, they have a tendency to run away.  I learned this the hard way because I don't like playing games. But you have to do it. Do not be too available, always leave them wanting more. Always be the one to end the dates.  You say when it's time to go home, not him. You be the one to end phone conversations, etc. Your life will be much better this way, I promise. 
• Don't be a pleaser.  It is not your job to please any man. You should NOT try to make him like you. He either does or he doesn't.  If you try to win him over, you will lose.  He will think you are throwing yourself at him and be repulsed. 
• Your friends are ALWAYS right.   If your family and friends don't like your boyfriend, then there is a reason.  He probably isn't good enough for you.  They have your best interests at heart and they can see the dude objectively. I've never heard of a case where the friends were wrong.  Save yourself some heartache and listen to them.
• If chastity with him is easy, move on.  That means you don't have the right chemistry, and you will wish things were different after the honeymoon.  (I learned this from two married friends.) 
• Make sure he likes you enough.  A man who likes you enough, or likes you the right way, will feel privileged to be with  you.  He will feel the need to be worthy of you and behave accordingly.  He will court you and make you feel like the most special woman on earth.  If you get the feeling that he thinks you're privileged to be with him, dump him immediately. It will only get worse.

I hope this is helpful.  Good luck.  My sister got married in Phoenix at age 28 or 27. You really have nothing to worry about.

P.S. I'm sorry this took so long, I was busy for the holidays and have internet issues again.

Dear Celibate: The Wrong Compliment

Dear Celibate,

I met a really attractive and intelligent woman at a party a few weeks ago.  It was a public event at an art gallery.  She was a high school teacher in her early thirties (I'm 27) and seemed very educated and sophisticated.  She had classic curves - large bust, narrow waist, shapely legs/hips, etc., but not what I would consider "overweight", and was wearing an outfit that really flattered her figure.  We had been talking for about a half hour and really seemed to develop a great rapport.  We had even made tentative plans to meet for coffee sometime.

Then, things suddenly went downhill. There was a pause in the conversation and I commented that she had a “really nice, hourglass figure”.  I thought she would take it as a compliment but instead she became deeply offended.  She said, "Excuse me?  Why are you talking about my figure?"  I went into damage control mode and tried to clarify my comments but I think I only exacerbated things as she rolled her eyes and shook her head.  She told me I was being "inappropriate" and that she was "very disappointed" and started to walk away....then she came back and with a look of complete disgust, WHAP!, she slapped my face and departed.

As I stood there alone rubbing my cheek, I was trying to figure out why she was so upset.  It seemed like a harmless comment to me but maybe I don't understand women as well I should.  I do have her email address.  Do you think I should send her an apology note or should I interpret the slap in the face as a definitive way of saying she wants no further contact?

Signed,
Confused

Dear Confused,

Wow, that's quite a story. I can't believe she slapped you. I'm wondering how the people who saw it reacted-- they were probably telling their friends the next day.

First of all, she is kind of a freak. At the least, she is probably from a very conservative and religious background. I polled some of my girlfriends to see how they would have reacted. None of them would have been so offended, but they all said it would have turned them off. It sends the wrong signal and you could look like a creep. It would definitely make most women uncomfortable and destroy whatever you had going for you.

Why? Complimenting a woman's body in your first conversation crosses a line of civility. The expectation is that you are having a conversation because you want to talk to her. You are not there to ogle her. By suddenly pointing out a woman's body, for whatever reason, you are alerting her to the fact that you are inspecting her body. Which says you have sexual intentions. When she thought you were interested in talking to her. So, either she bored you with her conversation, or you are a creep. That's why the woman walked away the first time.

She came back to slap you because she later processed your compliments as a sexual proposition. That offended her because it meant you thought she might accept. Because you thought she was that kind of girl. In her mind, you basically called her a whore.  Most woman know better than to read things that way.

Still, in the future, do not compliment a woman's body or any of her body parts when you have just met. Not unless you are prepared to back it up with a sexual proposition which you expect to be accepted.  Only after having VERY VERY strong social cues to that effect. (this is the wrong blog to discuss those cues.)  Even then, you're in high danger of offending a woman. Again, because it implies you thought she might accept and you don't know the woman well enough to know how she'll take that implication.


How should you compliment a woman in your first conversation? Here's a list of acceptable things to compliment:

• Her dress (what you say when you like how her body looks) -- Don't compliment her shirt or sweater, she knows that you're really talking about her rack.
• Shoes. (Don't gush if you want to present yourself as a heterosexual) 
• Smile
• Eyes
• Hair
• Glasses (I used to get a lot of those until I got my new glasses :(
• Her Intellect, knowledge or wit (will win you super brownie points)
• Say she is cute, attractive, stunning, if you have the stones for it.
• Call her "Fascinating" and watch how far it gets you.

Don't use more than one compliment per conversation. That makes you sound desperate and cheesy.

SECONDLY, you asked if you should contact her. I would have said not to. But, in our email correspondence Confused told me he had emailed an apology. She replied graciously, but has no interest in further contact. Although, I think the fact she replied means she doesn't completely hate you. Keep your eyes on her. (NOT THAT WAY!) If you get another chance to talk and she makes steady eye contact or gives you a smile, go in for another conversation.

Love, JL

Dear Celibate: Divorced part 2, Staying Positive

Dear Divorced in the North,

You had a 2 part question, so I've split these up.(see part 1 here or below)

How do you avoid being negative and bitter?  It plagues singles. The dark nights. Endless disappointment and broken hearts. Hopelessness. It's enough to make one very negative.  Bitter is a good word for it.

Forgive.  Forgive yourself.  Forgive the world, fate, the church, women, and your ex.  Bitterness develops from suppressed anger, anger projected outward to others.  Don't blame everything and everyone, or anyone, for your circumstances. Accept responsibility for your life.  YOU made your bed.  There were outside factors, but you could have chosen otherwise. Then forgive yourself.  Love yourself.

When you love yourself, you know you're lovable.  Which makes you lovable. And attractive.

Accepting responsibility for our lives is empowering.  Knowing you have control means you are not a victim of the world.  That means you have power over yourself and your life.  It feels bad at first to blame ourselves, that's when you need to self-forgive.  Then, you're able to take control of your destiny.  You know you can DO SOMETHING about it.  You can get on with changing things, fixing your life and getting rid of the garbage. Taking action creates hope, it breeds confidence.  So, do something for yourself already!

Once you take control without anger, you become a more positive and attractive person.  Good things will come to you.

Love,
JL

Dear Celibate: Divorced in the North

Dear Celibate,

I am 31, divorced and with a child that I see every other weekend and on special occasions. I am very active in the Church, there wasn't any abuse or adultery or anything like that. Simply put we married way young and I never loved her and married due to the pressure of my various influences. Anyways friends were telling me to get out of it even before we got engaged. In fact I wrote a blog about it.

My friend who is a girl read it and said I come across as negative but how do I be positive about this situation enough to attract a girl is my question. I don't want to be what girls scrape the bottom of the barrel to get but sometimes that's my thoughts.  I'm what people would settle for. Any clues? Thanks!

--Divorced in the north

Dear Divorced,

Your problem is universal to all singles, 'How do we stay positive and attractive?'  First, you are NOT the bottom of the barrel!  You actually have some advantage over never-marrieds.

Here's what makes you a catch:

• You've gone 'all the way': Committed to marriage. It says you are capable of real commitment. Maybe you're more scared because of the divorce, but you did it once. It implies you can do it again.
•  Maturity: Having been married with a child means you are more mature than the others.  Women REALLY dig maturity.
• Housebroken: Your ex-wife already trained you.  You've been broken from nasty bachelor habits. No more peeing in the shower, dripping pee on the toilet and floor, hairs in the sink, moldy dirty dishes, smelly apartment, greasy pizza box piles, dirty refrigerator, ugly decorating, old furniture from the curb, etc. She already did the work so the next one won't have to.
• Experience: Let's tell the truth. You've had sex. You have skills that never-married temple-worthy men do not (virgins).  That means you won't have an awful fumbling wedding night, and the clumsy months after that.  Women do think about it.  It's a BIG plus in your favor.
• Less suspicion (sometimes): Single men over 30 are wondered about. People wonder what's wrong with them. The assumption being that there must be something wrong with a single man in the church. Having been married, this suggests you may be more normal.  HOWEVER, you do have to deal with divorce stigma. As a single woman, I worry more about older never marrieds for the reasons above.  But, be prepared early on to explain your divorce.  I suggest you spend more time becoming friends with women before asking them out. Show them you're a nice guy. And, this could give you an opportunity to explain the divorce beforehand.

You should hold your head up high and carry yourself with confident swagger (btw--also sexy). You have a lot to bring to the table.  Divorce doesn't mean you're leftovers. Remember that.

(See Part 2)

 Love,JL

Dear Celibate, from Disillusioned

Just opened the Celibate mailbox and found an email from a longtime reader. He is struggling and he express what all religious celibates feel at least once a lifetime, maybe once a month, or even once a day. Here's an excerpt:

Short version, right now, all three of those prospects look very good at this point, and to be honest, I've been playing by LDS dating rules for a while, and I'm not seeing much, if any, reward for it. Just a lot of loneliness, frustration, and general disillusionment with the general social atmosphere of the Church. Then, add in the fact that once I'm 31, I'm off to a family ward (thanks to the directive from Salt Lake City concerning young single adult wards), where at best I'm an afterthought, or at worst, they think there might be something wrong with someone in the church who isn't married at 31. I've given serious thought to not even bothering with a family ward once I'm out of the YSA ward.

I feel I'm at the end of my rope, and I'm looking for a good reason NOT to take the first such offer I think I can live with as opposed to continuing with the status quo - and having a hard time coming up with one. I survived the last Valentine's Day - alone, as usual. Just for once, I want something different than being alone. Any sort of relationship (to include "friends with benefits") has to be better than my present situation.

I know how you feel. I've been there. I am there. The first thing is to consider your relationship with God. Remember the promises you made at baptism and why you made them. You didn't do it because He promised you an easy life with a companion on earth. That stuff is icing. Why did you get baptized? Have those things changed? For me the answer was 'no', so I decided to keep on keeping on. It also helped to put my own suffering in perspective. Just remember the horrible lives of the saints and prophets. Choose anyone from the scriptures and their lives probably suck more than yours.

We weren't promised joy in this life. This life is a trial by definition. I think a lot of people in this church forget that. They develop a sense of entitlement, believing that because they've followed the rules they deserve a perfect life. We are promised blessings but we weren't promised we'd have them NOW. Are we more righteous than Christ? His life was terrible! We don't necessarily get rewarded on earth for obedience. This is where faith comes into play. It takes a mountain of faith to keep going when we can't see the benefits.

Another thing that helps me is my belief that God is absolutely fair. So even though I'm alone and bored and hopeless about love, I really believe that everyone struggles as much as I do, just in different ways. So people who have lovers have some things better than I do, but they have other things that make their lives a lot harder.

Then I try to remember that I chose this life I'm complaining about. It was my own devising that got me here. I could have married one or two of the losers from my past but I knew that would cause me great unhappiness. So I suffer this kind of unhappiness instead. Everyone's path is different but we made them ourselves. I am celibate and alone because I chose to be. I'd like things to be different and I look forward to changes but I don't want to compromise. Taking ownership of our circumstances helps alleviate the feeling of victimization. [Can you tell I spent 19 years in therapy? Yuck!]

Disillusioned, you could have one of the skeezes at your fingertips and you'd probably feel better, you'd be less lonely and more relaxed. You'd probably be happier. I'm not going to tell you that you wouldn't. But it is a trade-off. Are you ready to give up your religion for temporal happiness? This is probably the hardest choice religious people have to make. Do you sacrifice happiness now for the truth? I had to remind myself that I think truth is more important than enjoying earth life. Isn't that what it means to be a saint? Isn't Christianity about sacrifice? You're not a Christian because you were promised wine and roses. See the wine and roses for what they are and compare their value to your religion. Which is more important to you?


...I could go on and on with this topic. I've thought about these things for years and years now.

Take care of yourselves.

Ask The Celibate: Is he conflicted or insensitive?

The Celibate mailbag received this email, requesting advice. I already sent her my reply. Admitting that I do NOT know everything, sigh, I post this for my wise readers. Please comment with any sage words. I will post my response tomorrow. (O the suspense!)

All right, here it is. I have a thoroughly extraordinary male friend. He is brilliant, funny, charismatic, handsome and talented. The first year we knew
each other, he was dating someone else. Nonetheless, we always had extraordinary chemistry and a very intense rapport. The friendship became so stressful that I decided to move to another city to take a job.

About two months before I moved, we had a very intense evening during which we confessed our feelings for each other. We both seemed so happy, though he was still with the other person. Half a week later, they had broken up for other reasons. We had two or three wonderful evenings together...and then he disappeared completely until I left town. I thought he was depressed about his break up and terribly conflicted about me as I was leaving.

A couple of months after I left, he got back together with his ex-girlfriend.
This was all very painful for me, but I had moved away. All of the above occurred a couple of years ago, and now I am temporarily in my old city for a couple of months. We've seen each other off and on and been friendly. Here is what happened to me last week:

We find ourselves at the same social gathering. We have a subtextural tiff as part of a larger group conversation about this chick who flew in from out of town to meet him around the time of our strangeness two years ago, and I wander off for a bit. Anyway, he buys me another glass of wine just as the party is breaking up and then it is just him, me and this other guy. He suggests at 1:20 in the morning that we go to out dancing. All three of us go and dance for half an hour or so 'till the place closes. The music ends with a schmaltzy slow song and he pulls me in for a close dance that turns into sort of a hug. The music ends, lights go up and we are still standing there holding onto each other. He won't let go! It is very sweet and intense. Finally I pull away and lead him out the door.
>
> We get to his house and he says, "This is us." I say, "Well, this is you, anyway." He invites me in for a drink at 2:30 in the morning. We go out on the patio and chat for the next couple of hours about all kinds of fun things. His hands keep brushing mine while we are talking, so I brush his back and then he takes my hand in between both of his and we just hang out like that for a while, holding hands and grinning at each other. He mentions it is late and I get up to go. I ask him to walk to the
sidewalk with me. He does and I say goodbye and then he kisses me on the mouth.
>
> So there we are making out on his sidewalk for 15 minutes or so at 5am. It is very romantic and emotional. Lots of stroking my cheekbone and kissing my forehead and stuff like that. He asks if I'd like to stay over and I say no. Then I say, "You don't really want that either, do you?" He avers that indeed he does. I tell him I think we deserve better than that. He assures me with one hand halfway down the back of my jeans that it will be "very platonic." I tell him I'll see him again soon because this [chemistry] obviously isn't going anywhere.
>
> So, we see each other soon thereafter at a party. He is sweet, we talk off and on, and he finds an indirect way to tell me that he and his most recent girlfriend broke up on good terms. He didn't give me any hint of how upset he may or may not be about this. He asks if I am attending something a couple of days later, invites himself and firmly promises to be there. I am apprehensive, of course, but hopeful. If he is single and misses me as much as he appears to, then maybe we can finally spend some time together.
>
> But, he doesn't show up and I am crestfallen. I text him that evening to ask if he forgot, and I get no answer. In light of recent events and his firm commitment to come, this is really inconsiderate, wouldn't you say? If he didn't feel up to coming, he should have dropped me a line. Unless, of course, he is standing me up deliberately in order to reestablish emotional distance, which sucks. I email him asking for an honest update about what is going on. The next day he chokes out one paragraph about how he had been really tired and just read and napped all evening.
>
> I write a very sweet and lucid email back explaining that I had been excited to see him, and that he runs so hot and cold on me as to leave me extremely confused. And, can he help me to decide whether to trust signals like the ones I received the evening of the dancing...or the completely different ones I received in the last couple of days? I also told him straightforwardly that if he was actually single, and if he missed me as much as he appeared to last week, that I thought we should spend some time together in some capacity while I am here. (I need to leave again in about a month)

> It's been almost three days now, and I haven't gotten any response. Obviously given our history, he should not have kissed me if he didn't *really* miss me. And, at the time he seemed very serious, like his feeling for me is something that is bottled up inside him most of the time. But if that were true, why would he be ignoring me now? Either he is *really* conflicted or really being insensitive. Of course I would prefer to believe the former. What do you think?

Men. I've heard many stories like this one from friends and acquaintances. The men in our generation seem to hate responsibility and refuse to grow up. And we women are enabling them. My reply to be posted tomorrow.

Ask the Celibate

From the CitC eMailbag:

Hello,
I recently read your post "Here's An Idea: Ask the Celibate" and have decided that is the course of action I would like to take.

I work with this girl. We both work at UPS. She was hired in about 8 months ago and I've been there nearly 5 years. I'm 23 and she's 19. Ever since she was hired to work there, I have had an urge to get to know her better and that's what I did. We talked a lot, about everything and it was always fun being able to bounce whatever stupid idea may have come in my head off of her. She would relate her stories about guys that already had tried to ask her out at UPS and we would both laugh about it.

After a while I realized that I really started to like her, and would try to "accidently" bump into her at the end of the day so that we could walk out to our cars together. Eventually it become common practice for me to walk with her and I didn't need to find an accidental reason to bump into her at the end of the day. One day I even mustered up the courage to ask her out to a hockey game and dinner, which she sounded only too enthusiastic to accept.

So we went out and had a fantastic time. I bought her flowers and had them delivered the next day to her house. She called me later that day to thank me and said that she was very impressed as was her whole family. So it went great. In fact, it was probably one of the better dates I've ever had.

For the next 5 days I racked my brain about whether or not next Friday was too early to ask her out again. I talked to everybody about it. Finally I decided, you know what, screw thinking about it, I'm just going to go with my gut and ask her out for Friday. So I did, and she said yes again. This time it was dinner and a movie. On the way to the movie I told her about how nuts I'd driven myself. When we left the car and headed into the theater she responded by making eye contact and thanking me for asking her out. Then she pulled my hand out of my pocket and held it the rest of the night.

Another great date. Another one of the best dates I've been on. Ok, so fast forward to this past weekend. Since the second date, we had two more. The third date we had a brief time in which she seemed so distant and sad. Saying things like, "I don't know why you'd want to date someone like me," but towards the end of the night we were laughing and smiling and holding hands again. Then the following Monday after that date she called me up and asked me out for the following Friday. Then, Friday morning after we got out of work we went to breakfast and she told me that she thought that this wasn't working. However, I wasn't ready to give up yet and talked her into continuing with our plans later that night. I thought that if I could just give her a really great evening that she would forget about the things she said and change her mind.

The date went great. Great conversation, great dinner, never was there a moment in which I thought we were heading towards a break-up. Until we were driving to the movie theater. She looked over at me and asked if I'd thought about what she said that morning. I said I had but I wasn't going to bring it up. She said that she had too and wanted to. She said that she was ready to throw in the towel. As we drove in silence toward the theater she finally broke out and asked if I wanted to talk about this. I did, so we parked.

I asked her what happened, what I did to change her attitude towards our dating. She said nothing, you did everything perfect. Later she said that she just didn't feel a spark. She said we'd be better off as friends. At this point I knew there was nothing I could say to change her mind. The sinking feeling that I keep getting is, what's wrong with me?? What is it with me that I could do everything perfect and yet there is no spark. Is what she told me just an excuse? Did she find someone else that suited her better? Does she have too many emotional problems and this was just the easiest one to fix?

I need a different kind of perspective. Vocalizing what I'm feeling works to an extent, but not quite what I need. If you could just tell me what you think about this, that would be great. I just don't understand what happened. Why didn't she know there was no spark after the first date instead of after the fourth? I'm just really confused by this whole thing.

Thanks, Confused

Dear Confused,

It sounds to me like a situation where the girl likes your personality, likes your friendship and company...but she's not attracted to you. [I am only guessing here.] Women don't like to say 'No', especially to nice guys. Women are very different from men in that we don't rule them in or out right away based on their attractiveness, sometimes we do, but not generally. Most guys fall into a 'regular guy cute' category, which means you don't take her breath away but if the dude plays his cards right she could be interested. Within that category are degrees: like 'he's cute', 'he's ok', 'maybe'. The phenomenon of being attracted to a guy when you were not initially is confusing. Because of her age, she has not likely had a lot of experience with this.

I'd guess she said 'yes' the first time because she wasn't sure you meant it to be a date-date and/or she wanted to give you a chance because she likes you. After you sent her the flowers there was no mistaking your intentions. The flowers may have caused her to feel obligated to go out with you again. The comment she made about her family being impressed with the flowers suggests they could have influenced her decision.

By the time she was holding your hand, she probably decided to give romance with you a chance, expecting the attraction would come. That's why she would agree to the next date. I have done that myself. I had a boyfriend for 5 months for whom I felt no physical attraction. But because he was the first man who treated me well, I thought I should try. I learned my lesson, I grew to despise him and he repulsed me.

Anyway. When she told you she didn't think it was going to work out she probably realized the attraction wasn't there and it was cruel to lead you on. That likely made her sad because she wanted to be attracted to you. She sounds like a nice girl. Chin up, confused! It's not you. Well, nothing personal anyway. You should be flattered that she liked you so much that she wanted to try going out with you despite not feeling sparks. People can't force it, as much as many of us have tried.

All hope is not lost, however. The way to win a woman's heart is with time. Be her friend. Be a good friend. Love her and show her kindness and talk to her and be there for her and given enough time, she will grow to love you as a friend too. Then, MAYBE, her love of your insides will spread to her love and desire of your outsides. Good luck and don't despair my friend. (Although, you might want to re-think sending flowers after one date. That's pretty intense and could scare some women away. I'd suggest bringing one flower to the second date instead.)

--OR--
Her comment about not believing you would 'like someone like her' does suggest emotional problems in the self-esteem area. If she is severely damaged then she could feel that you are too nice or too good for her. And if that is the case, there is nothing you can do about dating her. But you can still be a good friend by helping her feel better about herself and maybe help her get into some therapy.

Love, the Celibate
[Take this advice with a shaker of salt.]

Do you have a love conundrum? Ask the Celibate!

Here's an idea: Ask the Celibate

My blog hits were ominously low this weekend....due to my big announcement perhaps? Or perhaps due to the cold weather instead? hmmm. Well, here's an idea. More than one person has suggested I do a dating advice column on the blog. I've gotten a number of emails from people asking my opinion on their specific problems. And several of my friends come to me frequently for dating advice. Somehow, I've become this source of dating advice. So, maybe while I get over the boredom of my own dating stories, I can entertain my readers with YOUR dating problems.

This is an experiment: If you have a question email it in and I'll see what I can do. If you do have a question for the celibate that you'd like posted then write 'Ask the Celibate' or something akin to that in the subject line or somewhere in the email. Anonymity will be respected.

This new feature entirely depends on reader response. And I make no guarantees on the quality of the advice.
I'm still single myself, keep that in mind. Also, I'm still a virgin so don't ask me questions about how to execute various sexual positions because I can't help you. That's what the Kama Sutra is for, it even has diagrams. (I know because I've seen them myself!)

What are my qualifications for this? I write a blog which makes me an automatic expert in everything as you all know. I've been dating for almost 13 years, only one year of which did I not have a date. I'm a woman. I have enough close man friends to know a thing or two about them. I'm celibate so maybe that's given me a more objective viewpoint on things. I've avoided long term relationships so I know all about the beginnings of relationships and the game of the chase. More than I ever wanted to know. My overly analytical nature may have afforded me some insights, whether errant or true I can't say. But they are there nonetheless.

The Celibate is not liable for anything you may do as a result of her advice. Nor is the Celibate liable for any of the following side effects which may occur as a result of reading her advice.
Advice may cause headaches, diarhea, heart attacks, leprosy, and permanent insanity. Also known to cause other psychical ailments such as loneliness, bitterhood, maladjustment, delusions, disturbances in sexual identity and Morrissey obsessions (these are sometimes co-morbid conditions).
Ask at your own risk

This does not mean I have abandoned my new plans to expand the scope of CitC beyond my dating life. This is merely one aspect of that attempted expansion.

Help a brother out

One of my readers has sent me an email request. He needs help with a situation and would like you all to offer any advice or suggestions you have. It's a problem of a very sensitive nature which is why he wants to discuss this anonymously. I've copied excerpts of his email below. Please comment if you have helpful suggestions. Thank you!

I am a Returned Missionary and live with other RMs somewhere outside of Utah. We go to our local singles ward. So, recently, I walked in on my roommate late at night and I think I caught him masturbating to gay porn. I can not say I am absolutely certain of what I saw. But I am pretty sure.

So what now? Do I say something to him? If so, what? Do I say something to the bishop? I know that this is not my business, but this particular fellow is in a priesthood leadership position in the ward. If I saw what I think I saw, it probably is not appropriate for him to continue on in that calling.

I have no illusion that he is exceptional, or that I am better than
him. I have no desire to judge this guy. On the other hand, I am pretty sure from my own experiences that he will not escape this pattern of behavior on his own.

I feel I ought to do something. Whether for his sake, or for the sake of the folks he is responsible for, I don't know. But I feel I ought to do something, and I have no idea what to do. Maybe I should tend to my own problems and leave this poor fellow alone. I just don't know. Does anyone have any suggestions?

[addendum from second email:] It's not my business, but I'm not sure the thing for me as a friend to do is turn my back and pretend I'm not aware of the problem.

Anonymous

If anyone can help please comment. If you'd rather email your response to me then I can forward it on to him.