The Double Standard

Until very recently I practiced a gross double standard when it came to men. I'm not talking about the difference between Jimmy Choo shoes and a pair of Kenneth Coles, more like Jimmy Choo to Payless Shoes. Regular men needed to be of Jimmy Choo quality while Mormon men only needed to be shoes.

For regular men, here is what I wanted: Educated, attractive, fun, intelligent, good taste, sane, and politically liberal.

For Mormon men (more affectionately called mo'men), my standards were: Aged between 25-45, breathing, and heterosexual. Seriously. Those were my only deal breakers, no gay men or the inappropriately aged. So, all you insecure single Mormon men, get over yourselves. Women over 30 don't care what's wrong with you. I doubt that I am the only LDS woman with this kind of double standard.

Here's a list of unappealing traits belonging to various Mo'men that I dated (in no particular order): unemployed, no college education, high school drop out, balding, ugly, sober drug addict, dim-witted, Frat boy, gun collector, fat, living with his mother, redneck, sleazy, slutty, Republican, miniature (weighed like 115), short, deadbeat dad, closeted homosexual, horrible taste in music, schizophrenic, bad kissers, and.... that's all I can remember for now. 

Anyone still wonder why I'm single? 

The funny thing is that most of them dumped me. The ones that dumped me were: the sleaze (went back to his brazilian ex-girlfriend who put out), the Republican (there were more than one), the homosexual (I didn't exercise enough so my body was too soft), the dimwit (went back to his airhead ex-girlfriend), the drug addict/dead-beat dad (It was too hard), the redneck (Said I wouldn't make a good wife or mother), and the frat boy (who knows or cares? not me.) Among these, the drug addict was the only one I was in love with. I cared for the redneck because he was good to me, and I had some infatuations with some of the others. Looking back now, I'm grateful that this band of merry losers tossed me aside. In the end they were right that we didn't belong together, though the rejection hurt like a mother at the time.

Why did I do this to myself? There were several reasons. Because I said 'yes' to every man who asked me out. Because I didn't think I should discriminate, every man deserved a chance. And because there was no one else asking me out. While I am smart, educated, funny, and above-average attractive, I feel comfortable calling myself a Kenneth Cole. So, in what universe is this okay? --oh, that's right, in Mormon-land. 

Those days are over for me. I'm not wasting my time on losers anymore, no matter what their religious affiliation. It's liberating. And, it's too bad for the timid insecure Mo'men whom I would have gone out with IF they had asked me.  Now, it's too late for them.  My new Mo'men dealbreakers are (in addition to those above): Republican, uneducated, unsuccessful, mentally ill, addicts, homosexuals, unattractive, unintelligent, and bland with bad taste.  Look around at the single men in your ward and see how many would make the cut.

This is why I'm 95% certain I will never end up with a Mo'man. (The Republican thing alone disqualifies 98% of the Mo'men anyway.) Which is fine with me. I'm completely at peace with the idea of a mixed-religion marriage or a content singlehood. Because, now that I'm grown up, I have standards. Mo'men of the world have used up their no-dealbreakers privileges. I'm upgrading my lower bar from Payless to Kenneth Cole --or, that might be too high, I might have to make it Steve Madden, either way. Sorry, guys. If the shoe doesn't fit, I'm not going to wear it anymore.

What I wonder, is if single LDS men have a reversed double standard? Are they more selective with mo'women than they are with non-LDS women? They're probably less likely to date outside the church. And they're in a different league out in the real world. Just curious, if anyone knows.


Mark said...

Finding non Mo women who have high standards is not hard. Finding one who has high standards and is attractive, intelligent, funny, with good punctuation and really appreciates fine music - of any religion - is extremely difficult.

Throw in geographic propinquity...ouch

and limit the populace to non-NeoCon?

hmmm...I hear icebergs forming below my feet....

City JL said...

Hey Mark,do you live on the east coast?

Nav said...

Alas JL, Left Coast. Can't you hear the icebergs?

City JL said...

That's a shame. A man who appreciates good punctuation is hard to find. I hope you have warm socks.

Nav said...

insulated footwear is available. thanks

Double standard? No. High standard? Yes. I hold the bar up at the same level for everyone. No double standard.

And, I have just a few deal breakers and non-starters.

A deep conviction in God. Almost any religion will do.

Interest is inversely proportional to the number of shoes she owns.

and, last but not least - self confidence. Having moments of insecurity and doubt is normal but pity parties are show stoppers.

So...double standards? No. Just meet the minimum requirements.

Single Mormon Male said...

I want to answer your question about the reversed double standard mo'men guys have. I agree to a point that when men date outside the church, they tend to have a lower standard. Interesting concept and I have not thought about it to much. Should I write my own blog post with my own thoughts on the subject?

City JL said...

Hi Single Mormon Male,

Thanks for responding. I'm very interested in this. I'd love to hear your thoughts. If you'd like to email a post to me, I'll put it up on my blog. I haven't had a guest blogger in several years, so it might be a breath of fresh air.

City JL said...

It sounds like you might be a more enlightened LDS man. Or, I could be completely wrong about the double standard conjecture.

If I had made a belief in God one of my requirements, that would have prevented 3 of my last four affairs/relationships. Which may not have been a bad thing. Finding any religious people in NYC is a task in itself.

Stephen said...

Was dropping by. No Republicans. Ouch. New York. With a surplus of women, double ouch. In California, the conservative Republican governor was for raising taxes, pro choice, and pro gay marriage ...

If that is too conservative for you, I can see why you are not finding guys. ;)

City JL said...

Thanks for visiting, E!

You mean the Governator? Who married into the Kennedy family and wants to keep his job in one of the bluest states? Not exactly representative of the party. :-)

I USED to date Republicans, that never turned out well. So I think I prefer to look outside the church for a nice liberal.

Nav said...

So if you believe in God and you spend your life with someone who doesn't believe in God...is that a double standard or just loneliness?

How do you get where you want to go if you are not getting there?

Do LDS conservatives make you that sad?

Stephen said...

I think party affiliation differs a lot by location. Here in Texas the Democrats are pro-death penalty, pro-life and to the far right of the Republicans I knew in California.

Sorry it did not go well for you in dating Republicans. I admit to flirting with a Socialist, that went well (she was president of the CSULA socialist club). I married a San Francisco Bar area Republican though and that went much better ;)

Stephen said...

Err, Bay area ...

melissa said...

Hey I stumbled upon your blog and I just wanted to say how much I like it. Thanks for your posts. I am now a follower here. I will be back for more updates! :-)

City JL said...

Welcome Melissa! Glad to have you reading.

Frankly, I think both parties are a sham. They don't represent a unified ideology. As your example illustrates. Their first priority is to obtain and maintain power, not the people's welfare. We all seem to be choosing the lesser of two evils. I wish we could have more than 2 viable parties, but we don't.

Conservatism itself doesn't bother me, as long as it's consistent and promotes freedom. I could date a Libertarian.

Nav, People who don't believe in God don't make me angry. People who want to impose their morality on the public by making unconstitutional laws make me seethe. But, I have a tendency to eat my words after I say "never".

Where am I trying to go? I'd like to have a full, rich life that includes a loving, long-term intimate relationship. I don't see how being with someone who is irreligious will prevent that. But wasting away as an old maid while I wait for a compatible LDS man doesn't seem like a good way to get what I want.

Nav said...

J L, I didn't say that non believers made me mad. I have had relationships with atheists and agnostics and I found that while they were sympathetic to my views when we were up close and personal it was difficult to maintain a healthy relationship when they would talk to friends / facebook, etc about how "religion has killed more people..." or "religion is for weak people...". It seemed that they were accepting of my views to my face. Just my experience. Your mileage may vary.

I too seethe at "moral laws". As Elder Christopherson said in conference a few sessions ago, you cannot legislate morality. I absolutely, 100% agree.

City JL said...


I just meant that the reason I don't want to date Republicans is because they make me angry. Atheists/agnostics, generally, do not. I do get annoyed at the stereotypes and lies about religion that everyone so easily accepts.

Facebook drama. Yeah, no thanks.

I haven't had any relationship, atheist or theist alike, last beyond the initial honeymoon/infatuation period so I haven't found the need to discriminate. But I can see the rationale.

I thought Elder C said the opposite in conference. I'll have to read it again because it really got on my nerves.

City JL said...

My bad. It was Packer's talk that implied there will be no apology for the church's role in Prop 8 and that they will not stop fighting to "protect the family".

Nav said...

No comment on the talk by BK Packer.

Stephen said...

http://ethesis.blogspot.com/2010/10/those-dangerous-texas-republicans.html about the sort of things the local Republicans are in the news for.