4.05.2006

I'd give it up

I don't want to be alone anymore. The loneliness is making me sick. It all feels completely pointless. I want to have someone to love. Someone to talk to, who will hold me, smile at me, care if I get out of bed in the morning...it's too hard to be everything for yourself all the time.

The unfeminist truth is that I'd give up everything I've achieved to have someone to love. I don't feel like a complete person. I don't feel like a useful person. I hate my job. I don't feel like I'm living the life I was made for. What that means I don't know.

The really bad thing is I don't know what to do about it. Mormon men aren't interested in me, normal men expect sex which I can't give them so I'm kind of SOL here. I was thinking earlier that I wish someone had told me this would happen, but someone actually did. When I was an undergrad, an annoying member of the bishopric used to tell me I needed to change my major to something like music. That I was going to educate myself out of marriage. I was suitably offended and arrogantly assumed he was wrong. Ha! But he was right.

***

I know readers here have rejoiced in the upswing of my mood, and I'm sorry but it tanked again last week. This has been the cycle since last summer. I'll be doing better, getting better for a few weeks and then one day I wake up and crash back down to pits of hell. It feels like madness because it is so completely arbitrary and out of my control. I've never experienced mental illness this way before. The crashes aren't like regular depression either, it feels more like a personality impairment. And it pisses me off so much and I can't seem to do anything about it so that makes me depressed. But I'm off all my meds now so I can't blame them anymore. In fact, the only reason I've been able to keep blogging this week is, I think, because I started taking some old lithium pills. They seem to take the edge off quite a bit. However, if wishes were granted I wouldn't wake up tomorrow. And this mood does not help my solitary situation at all.

Yeah. Here's my personal ad folks:

SWF. Mentally ill, celibate, over-educated, underemployed, underpaid, in major debt, lonely, religious, damaged 30 year old with an attitude! Reply now before these goods disappear! Don't let this one escape, she's the woman of your dreams!


See, you want to laugh because it's funny, except it's also really sad so you feel guilty for wanting to laugh. Which means now you hate me for making you uncomfortable. You should have just laughed. No one is judging you. It was meant to be funny. So laugh, damn you, laugh!

**Davis, of ubiquitous bloggernacle fame, just gave me an idea on how to lighten things up around here. WRITE YOUR OWN CELIBATE PERSONAL AD! Put it in the comments. The person who makes themselves sound the most unappealing wins a date with me--or some other better prize. ;) ***

25 comments:

Mike said...

SWM. 27 year old commitmentphobic, overweight, balding, unemployed college dropout seeks SF well out of his league. Possible mental health issues are/will be hidden rather than treated properly. Homeowner… in Oklahoma. Newly unemployed status also means that this winner will soon need to mooch off his parents to make the mortgage payments, and may eventually move into his parent’s basement! Call now, guys like this don’t come along everyday! 

Left by Mike A.

Stephen said...

My wife used to joke that when we met I was unemployed and she was fat. I keep telling her that the illusion of five extra pounds doesn't count, and I did get a job before we got married (I was between jobs). She is still taller than I am, but we are happy.

I suggested that you ought to get together with Naiah's ex -- he's LDS and 30 or so.

Wish I had someone else to set you up with.

I do know that at the law school, about a third of us at BYU were unmarried, and they had little success with various socials they had for us until they set the group up with a group of "old maids" who were educated, older, and not necessarily, er, cute.

After that they held no more socials because the guys were too busy dating that group. They were all bright and older single guys with any brains are looking for something else besides physical looks. At least that is the way it was at the BYU law school in the early 80s.

 

Left by Stephen M (Ethesis)

Anonymous said...

SWM, 26, totally bald, overweight heavy smoker, religious virgin. lives in Detroit and won't move: job is too good to leave, but not good enough to afford nice evening. smart; but bad with women. funny, but its actually just an advanced coping mechanism for low level depression. 

Left by Doug Geiger

noelle feather said...

Oh Oh! I want to do this too!

SWF, 34, never married, overweight (working on it!) LDS, some mood issues at times, still lives at home, addicted to Friends Seasons 1-10, looking for male who will love me for who I am on the inside and not currently what is on the outside! 

Left by feather123

JL said...

Those are great! Keep em coming. I suspect someone will want to snag up our batch of winners.  

Left by JL

Lollygagger said...

SWF, 27, overweight, unemployed, celibate, has two cats, taking semester off of graduate work to finish various incompletes accumulated during bad bout of depression. Driven off two perfectly good fellows because emotionally high-maintenance. Still likes ER even though it's bad, watches Days of Our Lives with embarrassing regularity. Has very few friends. Plays a lot of solitaire, minesweeper, does crossword puzzles.

And now the good version:

SWF, 27, voluptuous, not material, healthy respect for sex, animal-lover, knows when to slow down and enjoy life. Challenging but rewarding. Loyal, romantic, enjoys sincere, close friendship. Bright, quick, observant mind.  

Left by Minerva

Lollygagger said...

Of course what I meant was "not materialistic"

JL said...

Minerva/Lollygagger,
You're like my twin except I haven't watched Days since I was in college. And I only have one cat because the other one died. We should totally hang out. Have you figured out who I am yet? We know each other.  

Left by JL

Lollygagger said...

I do know who you are. How did you figure out who I am! We should hang out! Come to one of my movie nights! 

Left by Minerva

Mike said...

Still think I'm most pathetic. All of you guys either have jobs or are working on GRADUATE degrees. I still don't have an undergrad.  

Left by Mike A.

noelle feather said...

I'm all for the matchmaking! LET it begin! HINT HINT JL! (PLEASE!) :)

Oh, and I LOVE Days, I forgot to put that in my personal ad, and I now have 2 cats, too. They are my babies, since I'm not a mother YET. :) 

Left by feather123

JL said...

Where do you live Feather? My bro is in Florida. Are you really ok with a guy living with his mother? He's planning to move out.

Mike,
You may be unemployed but you own a house! You don't win yet.  

Minerva,
Your blog name is the same as your email address so it wasn't hard to guess.
Left by JL

noelle feather said...

I am in no way in a place to judge about anyone who still lives with their mother, as I myself am still living with mine. (I guess I didn't exactly include that in my personal ad). :) OH, and I'm from CA. 

Left by feather123

casanova said...

DWM, 29, skinny. Works part-time at religious magazine, but is spiritually indecisive. Prone to procrastination. Will not finish undergraduate degree in impractical magor by 30. Has been diagnosed with several exciting mental illnesses and has history of addiction. Cannot keep pets alive, even fish. Has few material possessions. Lives with father. Washes hair infrequently and sense of style has been described as "classy hobo". Uses public transportation. Would write more, but can't afford it. 

Left by Casanova

JL said...

Feather,
If you're serious, you have the right sense of humor for my bro so that's good enough for me. Email your info at thecelibate@gmail.com. Something to introduce yourself and whatever else and I will send it on to him with my recommendation. He's really been into the online dating/searching thing lately but at the moment he is not talking to anyone. And it was his birthday yesterday. Like I said, he's no prize financially or healthwise but he is very strong in the church, very handsome and not shallow at all. He's a sweetheart.

Minerva,
I'll go to the next one. I've wanted to go many times and then just didn't. Now I don't have an excuse.

Cassanova,
Nice one. You may be the one to beat here. 

Left by JL

Mike said...

Damn, Casanova may have me here.

I so wanted that date with JL and/or other exciting prize. 

Left by Mike A.

Mormon Mom Cast said...

Hello! I just found your blog and wanted to let you know about a new podcast for Mormon Moms. It is the MormonMomCast at http://www.mormonmomcast.com and I hope you like it! :O)

It's still pretty new so come let us know what you'd like to "see" on the show. Remember - you don't need an iPod or any mp3 device to listen. You can just listen right from your computer.

I loved your personal ad - I think you should come to Utah and hook up with my brother, Steve. He also does the sound stuff for the podcast. 

Left by Whit

Harlem Snowflake said...

Girlfriend! Do not be dismayed! Just your candor in admitting and knowing who you are is attractive. Seriously. Do you know how many people are out there pretending to be something else, getting married and then divorcing in seven years once they have kids and realize they don't know who they are and hate their life? You are sorting yourself out FIRST and that takes guts so good for you. You are also passionate, driven, dedicated and care about something other than yourself. Go you.

(I haven't read all your posts yet - have you tried eharmony.com? Sposed to be good for making "soul matches". Okay, don't hate me because I just used "soul matches" in your blog. I'm not that kind of person. Meaning corny. Just trying to be helpful.:) 

Left by harlemsnowflake

casanova said...

It seems I'm still safely in the lead. Sorry Mike, but it takes years of dedication to attain this level of mediocrity. Hmmm, that's a sentence I never imagined saying.  

Left by casanova

hedgetoad said...

just found your site - eerily similar experience when I lived in NYC, but it got worse when I moved out west. So here's my ad...

36YO, SWF slightly homely, brown eyes, brown hair, workaholic. Enjoys pets, the outdoors, and spending tremendous amounts of time over analyzing everything and droning on about my life. Desperately seeking slightly homely but employed gentleman who is a good listener. 

Left by Jenna

Edje said...

SWM, 29YO. Short, pale (pink in summer), and awkward. Assumed to be nice guy for frequently finishing last. Morbidly introverted. Possesses but does not use imminently practical degree. Aspires to relationship with asynchronous psychotic episodes. 

noelle feather said...

He e-mailed me.  

Left by feather123

JL said...

Yay!!!!

To anyone who cares feather means my brother. I suggested he email. I took down his personal ad because I felt bad for trashing him on here behind his back.

Feather you have to keep us posted.  

Left by JL

JL said...

Snowflake,

Thank you very much for the encouragement! Don't worry I won't think you are cheestastic for saying 'soul matches'. I haven't tried eharmony. I've had some bad times with people I met on online dating services so it will be a long time until I try that again. But maybe I'll try them next time. Thanks! 

Left by JL

Baus said...

Dear JL,
I live your parallel life as a Calvinist male.
If you converted to Calvinism, we could be happy together.
 

Left by Baus