The unfeminist truth is that I'd give up everything I've achieved to have someone to love. I don't feel like a complete person. I don't feel like a useful person. I hate my job. I don't feel like I'm living the life I was made for. What that means I don't know.
The really bad thing is I don't know what to do about it. Mormon men aren't interested in me, normal men expect sex which I can't give them so I'm kind of SOL here. I was thinking earlier that I wish someone had told me this would happen, but someone actually did. When I was an undergrad, an annoying member of the bishopric used to tell me I needed to change my major to something like music. That I was going to educate myself out of marriage. I was suitably offended and arrogantly assumed he was wrong. Ha! But he was right.
I know readers here have rejoiced in the upswing of my mood, and I'm sorry but it tanked again last week. This has been the cycle since last summer. I'll be doing better, getting better for a few weeks and then one day I wake up and crash back down to pits of hell. It feels like madness because it is so completely arbitrary and out of my control. I've never experienced mental illness this way before. The crashes aren't like regular depression either, it feels more like a personality impairment. And it pisses me off so much and I can't seem to do anything about it so that makes me depressed. But I'm off all my meds now so I can't blame them anymore. In fact, the only reason I've been able to keep blogging this week is, I think, because I started taking some old lithium pills. They seem to take the edge off quite a bit. However, if wishes were granted I wouldn't wake up tomorrow. And this mood does not help my solitary situation at all.
Yeah. Here's my personal ad folks:
SWF. Mentally ill, celibate, over-educated, underemployed, underpaid, in major debt, lonely, religious, damaged 30 year old with an attitude! Reply now before these goods disappear! Don't let this one escape, she's the woman of your dreams!
See, you want to laugh because it's funny, except it's also really sad so you feel guilty for wanting to laugh. Which means now you hate me for making you uncomfortable. You should have just laughed. No one is judging you. It was meant to be funny. So laugh, damn you, laugh!
**Davis, of ubiquitous bloggernacle fame, just gave me an idea on how to lighten things up around here. WRITE YOUR OWN CELIBATE PERSONAL AD! Put it in the comments. The person who makes themselves sound the most unappealing wins a date with me--or some other better prize. ;) ***