Guest Post: The Last Word

*Casanova, the winner of our pathetic personal ad contest has submitted this post for your reading pleasure. Enjoy!

The break-up is an interesting phenomenon. Though often painful, it can also be relieving, anticlimactic or even funny. Lovers’ final words can speak volumes about their relationship, and often about the nature of romantic relationships in general. In this spirit, I offer you five personal break-ups, each with a different flavor:

1. The “I Really Didn’t Mean It” Break-Up

My best friend and I were going steady with twin sisters. In our defense, we were nine. The following took place in their front yard with family watching…

Me: So…umm…we don’t want to go with you anymore.
Best Friend: Yeah, we’re kicking you to the curb like yesterday’s garbage.
Me: And we’re not giving you rides on our skateboards anymore, either.
BF: Unless you really have somewhere to go.
Me: Yeah!

The girls didn’t say a word. We regretted the decision 15 minutes later. They never took us back.

2. The Mutually Beneficial Break-Up

Done over a casual lunch…

Girlfriend: I think we should break-up.
Me: Me too.
GF: I’m so glad you said that. I think we’ve both known it’s been coming.
Me: Yeah, are we still going swing dancing Friday, or should I find a date?
GF: Either way. Maybe we can go together and help each other find dates there.

We didn’t find dates for each other and we never got back together. But it was the least painful break-up ever.

3. The Divine Intervention Break-Up

While cuddling on a grassy knoll overlooking the city…

GF: I’m going to Texas next week to the homecoming of I guy I met on my (LDS) mission.
Me: Texas?
GF: I’m not sure why, I just feel like God wants me to go.
Me: Texas?
GF: I guess what I’m saying is that I think we should slow things down until I find out what God is trying to tell me.
Me: Texas?

She and the Texan were married six months later.

4. The Chemically Induced Break-Up

Over the phone…

GF: Sorry I haven’t called you in a month. I’m in drug rehab.
Me: Rehab? You don’t do drugs.
GF: I know. I don’t…didn’t. I tried heroin and it ruined my life. I just checked in.
Me: I’m so sorry. Is there anything I can do?
GF: I think we should break things off. At least until I can get my head back on straight.
Me: Yeah, umm…sure…okay (still trying to figure out what just happened).

Happily, she stayed clean after getting out of rehab. We never got back together.

5. The “I’m An Emotional Black Hole And You’re A Loose Cannon” Break-Up
(Part I)

GF: You’re emotionally unavailable.
Me: Yeah…
GF: Is that all you can say?
Me: No…
GF: A@#hole!

With that, she threw an entire stack of cds at my face. Each left me a small, bruised reminder of the night’s events. We got back together a year later. We’re sadistic like that.

I could add the “It’s Not Me, It’s You” Break-Up or the 14 Hour Drive Home In Silence Break up, but I’d rather hear about you. What are some of your best break-up stories?


JL said...

I get the first comment!

I'd like to add another uniquely(probably) mormon break-up the "You would not be a good wife and mother" break-up which actually followed the 14 hour silent drive home I wish i had thrown him out of my car in South Carolina when I knew it was over. I was 21 at the time and had zero interest in getting married. So I could have told him myself I'd make an unfit wife and mother. Sheesh. 

Left by JL

Val said...

Then I could probably add the very typical

BF : Things got really complicated, I think we should umm you know.
Me : Oh really? It got complicated
BF : Yeah, I'm a loser, going nowhere in life, find yourself someone great
Me : Thanks dad
BF : Well haven't you already?
Me : Well, actually NO but I bet you have.

Thus I found out he had cheated on me. Glorious joy.  

Left by Valerie

Lynn said...

First arrived at BYU-HC, soon got engaged to RM back in the states who served in my hometown (I had a boyfriend while he was on his mission so there was NO thing for him then)

A few months of phone calls, letters, wedding plans. He said he would come to Hawaii for Christmas so we could have our first LIVE date and kiss for the first time!

All plans made.....he never showed....his phone got disconnected....he vanished off the face of the earth.

Next semester....I met a guy...turned out to be my RM's best friend! I learned the rest of the story.....

My RM had gotten someone pregnant and was going to marry her.

Phone call sometime before the wedding....

him: I won't apoligize since I know you can't forgive me.

me: I can...I love you...we can work this out. blah blah blah stupid stuff said.

him: move on....forget me

me: I won't marry anyone else until I talk to you first. (man was I young and dumb!)

About 3 yrs later....still living in Hawaii, Tongan guy raised in Utah, RM .....

him: You are everything I want in a wife, we would be so great together....you are perfect.....too bad you are not Tongan.

me thinking: What the heck am I supposed to say to that??? I hoped he would get over the not Tongan part and marry me.

He left a few short weeks later to marry his brothers girlfriend who his brother had gotten pregnant yet refused to marry. Saving the family honor I guess....

Then there is the all time break up of the marriage....oh never mind...that is just another him dumping me....tired of that.

Being alone forever sounds pretty good. 

Left by Lynn

metamorphose said...

Oh Lynn...those are sad stories...but I have to say I laughed about the "me: I won't marry anyone else until I talk to you first. (man was I young and dumb!)" Oh the young and the dumb. I agree, being alone forever sounds pretty good. And what is up with all these guys you know getting married to some knocked up girl? Pretty sad and pathetic...they both would have been better off with you, no matter how young and dumb you may have been!

Kelly said...

Basically engaged to a guy on a mission. We were together for 15 months, he went on the mission after lots of drama because he talked about marrying me and I told him he needed to figure out the mission issue first (he was 23), we were together for 15 months during the mission, his parents split up, he went crazy. 2 1/2 years total together, planning to get married when he got back, etc etc.

How did he end it? After NO communication for a month (which was unheard of since throughout the mission I'd gotten an email a week, usually a tape every week or every other week, and a letter every week), I get a half page note telling me his life had fallen apart and I was really stressing him out. Direct quote: "Good luck with the rest of your life."

The truth? Well, I don't really know the truth. All I know is a month after he got off the mission he was engaged to a sister missionary from the mission and they were married 4 months later. Huh. I guess not ALL the sister missionaries were annoying, were they? (HIS words, NOT mine)

In hindsight it was SO for the best. I think the parents' divorce was a catalyst to the end rather than the reason. We should have stayed broken up when I broke up with him 6 months into the relationship. But I still think he was an absolute coward.  

Left by Kelly

Tashina said...

My first, and only, boyfriend, so far (I'm still young): What do you think of going back to being just friends?
Me: That's great!! I've been wanting to bring it up but was never sure how.

We started dating and a week later I knew that we needed to break up. My reasoning was that he was my first boyfriend, and he was so cute, blah blah blah. I had just turned 20. He was 20 and thinking about going on a mission. We were like best friends before we started dating.
We were together for three months.

Him: I just think that there's no point in us being together any longer and developing more feelings about each other and then me leaving on my mission.
Me: I agree.

Ah. We had such plans for our friendship. Then right away he started hanging out with another girl, and a month later they were dating. But for some reason he didn't think that I should know.

Him: We're not together! We're just friends!

So I asked his cousin.

Cousin: Yeah. They're dating.

And now he's on his mission and his girlfriend is waiting for him. She's 31, and he's 22. The last time I remember hanging out with him all I remember is his pompous attitude. It still irks me how much I let him jerk me around and make me feel horrible about myself. 

Left by Tashina

Anonymous said...

I had this not so official boyfrined that I worked with. That was the first no no because I was his boss. After several weeks of going over to his house after I got off work (which was usually around 2am) we would watch a movie, which usually consisted of making out. Well one night I determined we needed to officialize things or stop our late night make out sessions. Having never done anything like this...

Me: So how do you feel about lables such as "girlfriend" and "boyfriend?"
Him: You do know I'm leaving in seventeen days, right?
Me: Yes, I am aware.
Me: So is that a yes or a no?
Him: Its a maybe.

Well, I may be horribly naive but I'm not stupid and I know maybe is a nice way of saying no. There was one more make out session in his car infront of where we worked very late at night which added a little confusion. But after those seventeen days when the good-byes were said there was just a hug, not even a long hug.

Oh, but the best part is that he found an official girlfriend about the moment he stepped off the plane in Idaho.

Left by Amber

Anonymous said...

My most recent breakup was the oddest one ever... I never should've gone out with the guy anyway, but after not going on a date for 2 years, I took what I could get. Oh, and he wasn't my boyfriend. I'll never label him as such. UGH!

Guy: We're really different. Do you really think that people as different as us can make it?

Me: Differences aren't always bad. They make things interesting.

Guy: Well, I don't know if I can be with a girl whose parents are divorced and I just don't know where you are spiritually.

Me: Um... okay.

Guy: I'm going to pray about this and do some real "soul searching".... do you know what that means?

Me: Uh... yeah.

Guy: Okay, I'll talk to you later this week.

Yeah, so I walked into my house furious... so I decided that he didn't get to call the shots. So I thought about it and the next day I had him come over so I could break up with him in person.

Me: You're a nice guy but I just don't think we're in the same place right now. I don't want to get married right now and you obviously do... (he constantly discussed it... ANNOYING!)

Guy: Are you breaking up with me? I'm so sorry! I never should've said any of those things. I'm such a jerk. You are the best thing that ever happened to me. Why would you do this to me? (cue waterworks)

Needless to say, I took him back because he cried. I just wasn't prepared for that. 2 days later:

Guy: I've been thinking about what you said the other night and I think we should just be friends.

Me: (overly enthusiastic) okay!

insert awkward hug here. 

Left by GC