Damn. I've really become pathetic.
"You don't want to end up with me." Like I'm some kind of moron who can't see through your attempt at kindness. Why did you have to insult me with it? What you meant to say was, "I don't want to end up with you." Super. And I don't know where you get off telling me what I do or don't want anyway. You don't have the slightest clue what I want, which is why everything was screwed up. When I was all depressed you thought I wanted you to leave me alone WHICH WAS TOTALLY WRONG. That's why I was so mad at you.
Why did it take you 5 months to tell me that I did something stupid which you have been hanging over my head without my knowledge? No, you left me wondering endlessly what the hell was going on. I tried asking you what the hell was going on and you said, "I don't want to answer that." So fine. I screwed up by doing mean things to you in my sorry attempt to get some reaction out of you and you're apparently incapable of emotion. Great.
The lack of emotion thing was what I liked about you in the first place, being with you was like sleeping on a quiet island in the middle of my hurricane. You gave me rest. Now you give me indigestion. So, we're better off apart. I've gotten the first of my bi-annual heartbreaks out of the way. Perfect timing, halfway through the year. I still have 6 months to get involved with another one and have that fizzle out by Christmas.
I wish someone were here with me, I could use a hug -- He doesn't feel anything. He went home to write his 'after action report' on what he learned from this experience so he can use it for next time. I got on the wrong bus because I can't think straight when I'm upset. I ended up in the wrong town only to find out the only way to get to mine was to walk on the highway over the railroad tracks. But that was after I tried going through the empty lot behind the warehouse. I turned around when I saw the man wearing only his boxers at the other end of the field, under the highway. I'm lucky I didn't get killed. I had to walk home in tears on the overpass--and I just kept thinking that I can't wait until I reach the point in my life when I stop doing things like this. How tired I am of getting lost in the wrong towns. And crying in public places. MOST PEOPLE DON'T LIVE LIKE THIS.
I want to be like him. Happy with his solitary, stable, and miserable life. He is miserable, because it's much easier that way. Because he thinks I'll hate him in 6 months. Why wait so long, eh? And did you have to wait until I got to the bus station? Come on. I thought that's why we went to the coffee shop. I asked you to tell me what was up, but you wanted me to point out the 'fashionistas' on Fashion Ave. You had to wait until I was standing outside my bus. And I still had to ask you to tell me if we were done with this. That is very tacky to have a breakup conversation outside the Port Authority in Times Square. ...ah, but we had the big lion staring down at us.
Why did I give up my lovelife blogging for you? It was not worth it. I also wasted a good leg shave this morning. I hate wasting a shave for nothing! Someone could have been running his hands down these smooth 33" babies. Now, no one gets to touch my smooth legs.
I just wanted one thing to work out. At least for a little while. Enough to give me confidence that I can do the relationship thing. For the first time in my life, I asked someone to commit to caring about me. And he said 'no'. I stood up for myself because I couldn't be his part-time girlfriend of convenience anymore. Either be my full-time boyfriend or go away. He'd rather live without me then have to put any effort into the relationship. Beautiful. I'm not far from becoming a hateful and bitter spinster. Can you blame me? I'm becoming like those crazy desperate women on tv. That's what I most feared and it's happened. I should go find a gay man and move in with him. Completely surrender from this cruel institution.
Where do I find a man who wants crazy? I need a sane man who likes crazy. Do any exist? Of course not. I wouldn't want to end up with me either.
And life goes on.
