I know my posts have been strange lately. I have been in a weird place psychically, trying to recover from a bad year filled with anxiety and failure, a bad relationship which made my weaknesses more prominent and scary. Faced with my age, 29 that is almost 30!!!, and faced with the real consequences of my irresponsibility and slackitude--almost fired, and my new-found psycho-girlfriend traits, I have decided to do something about the mess of my life. This can't continue. So my plan is to get rid of possible physical causes of my problems. Now I am realizing that it is a very real possibility that I have a personality disorder.
I've been in therapy since age 11. I'm still depressed. They started calling me 'treatment resistant' at about age 24. This leads me to believe that my problems go much deeper than a mood-disorder. I should be loving life. I'm trying to figure out what I have to do to achieve that. Already I am seeing some physical changes, I have more energy now than I did before I started the vitamins and changed my eating habits.
Adjusting to life in the suburbs is very strange. And quite annoying at times. The grocery store costs 30% more than city stores. And it is a 20 minute walk to the mega store. I do like having more foods available. The little city bodegas didn't sell much variety. But I miss fresh cheese and herbs. I can't find fresh mozarella! The vegetables are way overpriced and irradiated, I really liked the little chinese produce stores in Harlem and Bed-Stuy. They always had good veggies for cheap prices. I might take the bus into Manhattan for groceries. it's only a 5 minute walk to the bus stop. But it's two dollars each way and would add an extra 20 minutes in travel time.
I've started up with my church attendance again. There are mormon missionaries everywhere. I ran into some who hooked me up with a ride to my ward. I went one time and loved it. One speaker told us how he was raised muslim in Africa and his family cut him off as if he died when he joined the church. The teacher in RS told the story about her conversion. Her son had been killed and she wanted to die too until she joined the church. I really, really liked it.
But I really, really don't like bumming rides to church. Last month, this cute young couple with a baby picked me up and I just felt bad inconveniencing them, so I decided to take the bus home after church. But I couldn't find the bus stop and I was about to pass out from menstrual cramps so I caught a taxi. It was friggin $20!!! So the whole waking up early and walking 10 minutes to catch a bus to church, making the whole commute 45 minutes OR bumming a ride from people is very unappealing. Then I discovered the spanish speaking church that is a 5 minute walk from my house. And they meet in the afternoon like sensible people. I've gone three times now. I could kind of follow the lessons, I had 6 years of spanish classes growing up. They needed a piano player in RS so I played for them.
It's humbling in a good way to attend a church where one is an imbecile. They have to speak slowly to me and repeat themselves. I also think it will keep me more interested if I spend the whole time trying to translate in my head. So, I'm learning spanish. Whipee! This week I didn't have the energy to concentrate on trying to understand so I read scriptures during the talks and went home after sacrament meeting.
So what has happened to this blog? Where are the stories? Well, the thought of sitting down and reliving past dating experiences for a few hours makes me kind of ill. I'm really not in the mood.
16 comments:
I too sometimes attend the spanish branch (which thankfully attends in my ward, too). They meet at 11 AM, my ward meets at 9 AM. sometimes, 9 AM on a Sunday morning is JUST a wee bit early! I know many people from the branch, but they won't really slow down their speaking for me! :(
Left by feather
Hi Diva!
How are things going with you? (I guess I could check your blog, eh.) I know I can't believe that was a year ago either. I want to go back!
Left by JL
Go for it!
Left by ZuphChic
I'm a stranger to this blog, so forgive me if this is an oft-repeated question, but have you ever considered giving up being a Mormon? Just because someone had you read a book that said you shouldn't have sex before marriage, that doesn't necessarily make it a good idea. Incidentally, many of the Mormon men I have come across in my life weren't exactly sticking to the letter of the law, if you know what I mean. I'm pretty sure they don't come clean when they meet that perfect Mormon girl who was. They felt guilty about it, but they were still having sex (with non-Mormon girls). Anyway, you're young, and you seem pretty normal--why adhere to the strictures of a religion invented 150 years ago that first encouraged men to marry multiple women, but then decided not to stress that point when Utah was trying to become a state? Maybe you don't need to stress the celibacy thing now that you are trying to land a boyfriend?
Left by Symapthetic Skeptic
Sympathetic Skeptic
Just so you know, the book isn't what says you shouldn't have sex before marriage.
Left by Anonymous
Skeptic
"that doesn't necessarily make it a good idea... Maybe you don't need to stress the celibacy thing now that you are trying to land a boyfriend?"
What, then, would make it a good idea in your opinion?
You seem to imply that if JL had jumped in the sack with her last boyfriend, everything would be happy in her life and she'd have men beating her door down now.
Actually I think eliminating sex issues from dating makes the whole thing much less stressful. And by eliminating those issues, I mean quite simply: abstaining.
Call me crazy but I'll stick to the 150 year old inspired counsel.
Left by Anonymous
Hey!!!!!!! Good to see that you are feeling better about life. And good to see you posting again. Have a great holiday weekend
-Sid
PS- that guy who asked you to quit being celibate probably does not know why we LDS folks choose to do what we do. He probably wants to have plural wives :):)
Left by sid
Anonymous,
I'm not saying that "jumping in the sack" with a guy = happiness. But, I do agree with earlier posts (and I think with the author of the blog herself) that men who will date a woman for the time required to realize that they want to marry that woman, without sleeping with her, usually have something (not entirely healthy) going on. And the good Mormon men that are normal and healthy have probably slept with a woman already. Thus, what appears to be a sustainable tradition of celibacy is carried on the backs of women.
It's not that men are all about sex, although some are. It's that there is a barrier to intimacy, a kind of resentment, that a lot of men feel when a woman won't sleep with them. Even men who know it is for religious reasons and respect those reasons are still biological men. Remember, sexual psychology has been evolving since before organized religion. Judaism wasn't even Judaism as we know it until after the flight from Egypt. Abraham wasn't getting into details about sexual function--those were the days of necessary incest, offering your virgin daughters up to Sodomites, etc.
What men will do when a woman won't sleep with them is either rush into marriage or move on. Do you really want to marry a guy who is subconsciously motivated by a desire to have you sleep with him so that he can finally rest easy knowing that you were willing to give up your virginity to him? And I would remind everyone that while the divorce rate is arguably a product of marrying too soon, people married early partly because of the proscription against premarital sex, so we can't disentangle the two. Can we be certain that sex doesn't change how we feel about people? Is it possible that even if you wait a long time, you don't really know your relationship with your partner until you have slept together? It's not a totally insane idea.
You mention that "eliminating sex issues from dating makes the whole thing much less stressful." But, is it wise to avoid stress-inducing situations until after marriage? First date conversations are awkward too, but we don't wait to talk to the person until after marriage, right? And, isn't it stressful to be with a man when you're not certain he is really okay with your decision to remain celibate, even though he says he is?
So, it's not the route to happiness, it's just the removal of a burden. Removing that burden might allow one to stay with the "right guy" in all other respects, and might allow one to avoid an unfortunate marriage. Sex is a big deal.
Finally, while it's true I don't understand the psychological or religious motivations underlying LDS celibacy, I know for a fact that practicing Mormons ignore the celibacy requirement. How many Mormons can ignore it before it becomes okay to ignore it?
Left by Symapthetic Skeptic
The Mormons didn't allow black priests until the 1970s...whose to say the Mormon attitude toward celibacy won't change as well?
Stephen M (Ethesis), that's two things we've agreed on in just a couple of weeks!
One more thing...you aren't "performing" for us; I don't know about the others, but I read your blog because even though I don't know you in real life, I see in you something of a fellow traveller. I'm rooting for you. I think we all are, in our own way.
Left by Ann
Send the card.
And getting dumped over sex is half the fun, isn't it?! I outgrew Mormon boys about 5 years ago (I'm 28, they're 21), so I've been happily getting dumped for my beliefs for quite a while. It's actually refreshing knowing the end of the relationship when it belongs and carries none of the "was I spiritual enough?" guilt. Really. I recommend it.
But don't sleep with them. Icky. I'm glad you have some self-respect (and I love the blog title).
Oh - and good for you with the Spanish branch. You'll have lots of opportunities to serve.
Left by Glo
Bless your heart Ann, and thanks for your kind thoughts.
Not to mention, it was great to come back and find lots of positive thoughts JL's way.
Best wishes.
Left by Stephen M (Ethesis)
Yes, it was. Thank you all.
Interesting discussion here. I think I'll copy some of your comments and get a real post going with the debate.
Left by JL
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT::!!!
If your wonderful comment is now missing from this page, please don't take it personally. I loved all your comments. Some of you answered that question that I shouldn't have asked, I realized I really hadn't learned my lesson by asking it. So, to be on the safe side I deleted them. But I loved your comments and thank you so much!
Left by JL
No problem, glad you are making progress.
Left by Stephen M (Ethesis)
JL, I just found your blog ... I'm a single Mormon woman (38) in a large city too. I can relate to some of your posts. I also think Sympathetic Skeptic has some really thoughtful questions that resonate with me. I don't know that Mormon women fully carry the burden of celibacy on their backs but my guess is they carry it a bit more than the men. (Although that's not so different from western--or I'd even say global--culture; in general women are consistently held to a stricter sexual standard than men. Showing that the law of chastity applies equally to both sexes doesn't change the fact that in practice it is unequally kept. Then again, the fact that it is unequally kept doesn't necessarily mean it should be tossed out.) For what it's worth, I'm not a woman on whose back celibacy is being borne; after a long dysfunctional relationship with a Mormon guy right after college (who really pushed me right to the edge sexually) I'd had it with the hypocrisy, both his and mine. So I dated a fabulous non-Mormon and slept with him for two wonderful years, and then I had another 2-yr relationship with another non-mormon boyfriend. My assessment? The sex helped me feel emotionally closer to the men in the short-term but it didn't *fundamentally* affect the relationship. What I mean is, it didn't compensate for a fundamental gap in our emotional closeness (which existed and which is why I didn't marry either one). Sex doesn't create emotional intimacy; it can only enhance what is already there (or mimic if it's not there--but that fades.) This is certainly not a new theory. What *was* new to me was the most recent relationship I was in, again with a non-Mormon; but I'd decided to try it without sex to see if sex indeed was a necessary ingredient. We spent months talking and getting to know each other and it was the most honest relationship I've been in and the most emotionally intimate as well. (Not having sex was difficult for both of us, especially him--but he was committed to the relationship nonetheless because he loved -- well, it felt like he honestly loved *me*.) Sympathetic Skeptic said "Can we be certain that sex doesn't change how we feel about people?" And my answer is, In my experience it does change how I feel about someone but not in a *fundamental* way. Skeptic also asked, "Is it possible that even if you wait a long time, you don't really know your relationship with your partner until you have slept together?" For me, I found that in some ways the sex actually got in the way of knowing my partner. Again, nothing that hasn't been stated by a million therapists before. The interesting thing was that *not* having sex didn't prohibit or inhibit a deep relationship in any truly meaningful way. [I also recognize that I'm older and wiser in creating relationships, so I can't rule out experience's positive effect on my successful celibate relationship. But I honestly don't think adding sex would have made a large or long-term difference in the outcome.]
Left by c
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