I know my posts have been strange lately. I have been in a weird place psychically, trying to recover from a bad year filled with anxiety and failure, a bad relationship which made my weaknesses more prominent and scary. Faced with my age, 29 that is almost 30!!!, and faced with the real consequences of my irresponsibility and slackitude--almost fired, and my new-found psycho-girlfriend traits, I have decided to do something about the mess of my life. This can't continue. So my plan is to get rid of possible physical causes of my problems. Now I am realizing that it is a very real possibility that I have a personality disorder.
I've been in therapy since age 11. I'm still depressed. They started calling me 'treatment resistant' at about age 24. This leads me to believe that my problems go much deeper than a mood-disorder. I should be loving life. I'm trying to figure out what I have to do to achieve that. Already I am seeing some physical changes, I have more energy now than I did before I started the vitamins and changed my eating habits.
Adjusting to life in the suburbs is very strange. And quite annoying at times. The grocery store costs 30% more than city stores. And it is a 20 minute walk to the mega store. I do like having more foods available. The little city bodegas didn't sell much variety. But I miss fresh cheese and herbs. I can't find fresh mozarella! The vegetables are way overpriced and irradiated, I really liked the little chinese produce stores in Harlem and Bed-Stuy. They always had good veggies for cheap prices. I might take the bus into Manhattan for groceries. it's only a 5 minute walk to the bus stop. But it's two dollars each way and would add an extra 20 minutes in travel time.
I've started up with my church attendance again. There are mormon missionaries everywhere. I ran into some who hooked me up with a ride to my ward. I went one time and loved it. One speaker told us how he was raised muslim in Africa and his family cut him off as if he died when he joined the church. The teacher in RS told the story about her conversion. Her son had been killed and she wanted to die too until she joined the church. I really, really liked it.
But I really, really don't like bumming rides to church. Last month, this cute young couple with a baby picked me up and I just felt bad inconveniencing them, so I decided to take the bus home after church. But I couldn't find the bus stop and I was about to pass out from menstrual cramps so I caught a taxi. It was friggin $20!!! So the whole waking up early and walking 10 minutes to catch a bus to church, making the whole commute 45 minutes OR bumming a ride from people is very unappealing. Then I discovered the spanish speaking church that is a 5 minute walk from my house. And they meet in the afternoon like sensible people. I've gone three times now. I could kind of follow the lessons, I had 6 years of spanish classes growing up. They needed a piano player in RS so I played for them.
It's humbling in a good way to attend a church where one is an imbecile. They have to speak slowly to me and repeat themselves. I also think it will keep me more interested if I spend the whole time trying to translate in my head. So, I'm learning spanish. Whipee! This week I didn't have the energy to concentrate on trying to understand so I read scriptures during the talks and went home after sacrament meeting.
So what has happened to this blog? Where are the stories? Well, the thought of sitting down and reliving past dating experiences for a few hours makes me kind of ill. I'm really not in the mood.