No new posts within a whole week!? What's wrong with me? I'm attempting to discipline myself. I have tried to hold my blogging activity hostage to my work productivity. If I produce, then I can write for my blog.
Sigh....no production as of yet. Tonight I cheat with this little post. I didn't grade anything today! I planned to grade exams at the diner while I ate breakfast. Then I noticed I didn't have time, had to go to the city blah blah blah ...I decided to put off the city thing until tomorrow.
I will probably live a very long life. When Death comes for me I'll explain that I can just as well die tomorrow, there is no reason we can't wait one more day. Given my procrastination skills, I shall live forever. And still get nothing done.
Ah. But I am trying. Baby steps. My friend made a list of things to do in the morning and the order in which to do them. I used to spend my mornings getting confused over those decisions. It was ridiculous. I'd sit in a chair sometimes for 30 minutes going over all the things I needed done and try to pick one of them. Now I have a routine I can stick to and don't have to think about it. Unless I have to go to the store to buy cat food or breakfast, that throws the whole thing off.
A teenage girl packed my groceries at the store tonight. It was late so there were few people around and no line. She talked to the cashier who also looked like a teenager but a bit older. She said, "I'm still a virgin. I'm going to stay a virgin. I'm waiting until I'm married." The other girl responded, "No you won't." She said, "Yes I will! You wait and see. You want to make a bet? I will wait." The other said, "What if you never get married? Do you want to die a virgin?" The girl said, "I will get married, don't worry about that." You go girl! But, the likelihood of her making it to marriage? A lot of teenage girls want to wait but don't.
[I think I read somewhere that a large percentage of these teens who sign the virginity pledge end up having sex earlier than average. Not sure I believe that though. Anyone out there know what's up with that?]
I paid for my food. I wanted to say something to the girl. I wanted to encourage her and tell her that she could wait if she wanted to, that I was waiting and I was 29. But I couldn't make the words come out. I didn't know exactly what to say. I was afraid to say anything. I stalled as I collected the plastic bags. I get so nervous talking to people. Would it do any good anyway? What if she didn't know anyone else who waited? What if everyone told her it was impossible? Then it would be so easy for her to give up. Why should she bother trying to do the impossible? As I sorted through the questions, time passed.
I wanted to...then found myself walking out the automatic door and into the rainy night. Already I regretted my silence. I smiled at her on the way out. Lot of good that will do. The walk is too short to bother with an umbrella, especially with both hands carrying heavy bags. The rain fell in big cold drops, almost frozen so they hit hard. They splashed my glasses, blurring the world into splotches of glare. Waiting for the traffic light to change, I told myself I could say something to her next time. (Like that will happen.)
Excuses, excuses. JL: The Queen of Excuses.
What should I have said? What would you have done? Anything? Nothing?
I gave the boy another chance. But I decided to do that for rational reasons, not out of the blindness of a crush-striken girl. If the patterns return, then I will extract myself from the situation. So far, so good. Details in my next post. Which I expect to do Wednesday. I promised to have exams graded by Wednesday so when they are done I can blog. This morning, I had a nightmare about a big ungly pink rabbit named Mr. Bunny who came after me because I didn't have the tests done. It was really an angry student. For motivation, I'll picture Mr. Bunny with his fangs and bloody dialysis tube (don't ask). In my dream, I chopped off his head to keep him from telling on me. Then a new Mr. Bunny appeared!