I have neglected you my lovelies. For some reason, lately I have found writing repellent. It also doesn't fit into my new schedule that I am trying to follow. But I have learned a lot about myself in the last week. Especially the last two days. Before getting to that, I need to write about my love life! What's happening? Enquiring readers want to know. Perhaps some of you worry that I have passively assented to a harmful relationship, when this is not the case.
After my birthday, I didn't know what to do about the boy I was dating. My time with him seemed to hurt me more than not lately. I figured it must be time to end it. This saddened me, and disappointed me. It is so hard to find a person with whom one feels comfortable, someone interesting and fun, someone who speaks your language and whom you find attractive and is attracted to you reciprocally. Very few and far between do we find this combination in another person. I found it here with this boy after a few years of drought. It made me angry that he was messed up and abusive. I sulked that week.
We didn't talk. I resolved not to call him, but to wait and see what kind of compensatory overtures he would make. Deciding that I would continue the relationship or end it depending on what he did next. He did nothing. He didn't call. To me, this said that he wasn't interested in continuing our relationship. He apologized already and didn't want to bother trying to reconcile things with me. This confirmed my fear that our relationship was merely a leisure activity in his life, one with little importance. This made me sad.
But as the days passed I couldn't take not knowing anymore. I made the situation worse and worse by telling myself that I didn't matter to him at all, etc. I needed to end things for good so I could move on. That Thursday I wanted to resolve this. We needed to talk. I sent him a text message saying: I want to talk. (I should have called but it was the best I could manage at the time.) Not long after, the boy sent me an Instant Message saying 'Hello'.
What? Does he seriously want to talk about us with instant messages? Is this a joke? I knew it wasn't. Should I call him? No, if this is what he feels comfortable with, just go with it. It'll be easier for myself too. Talking is so hard and I have had so little practice discussing my feelings. After deliberating, I responded. We exchanged a few pleasantries. Then I wrote, "Is there any point in continuing this relationship?" After a moment, he replied, "What do you think?" Oh-hell-no! He wasn't putting this back on me, wussy. I told him that I wanted to know what he thought which is why I asked. I already knew what I thought. Could he please answer the question.
He told me that he liked the way things were between us and would like to continue. I told him I had some problems with the way things were and wanted them to change. So we talked about things. About the oh so offensive comment, "I'm embarassed to be with you." He said that he couldn't believe I would find it offensive because it was so obviously ridiculous and obviously a joke. Obviously it wasn't to me. He apologized again and said he wanted to do anything he could to make it up to me. He also wanted to know what the deal was with the weird phone message I left him on Saturday about not staying at his house. (To be explained later.)
The oddness of having our 'fight/discussion' over the internet was not lost on me. Now, we officially qualified as the biggest geeks on the planet. Instead of feeling shame, this amused me. Could two people really be be so inept and clueless? Yes. This is part of the reason I gave him a chance to make things up to me. Two emotionally retared nerds trying to date each other were bound to have such misunderstandings. We couldn't even fight over the phone like normal people! So maybe he really was unaware that people don't talk to each other like that. I explained all this to him. He was very apologetic and assured me he meant no harm.
After awhile, maybe an hour or two or this, he asked me if I wanted to come to his house on Saturday for breakfast and to work together. I thought it a good idea since I only got work done when at his house. So I agreed. In my mind, I put him on probationary status. I still felt quite disgusted with him over everything, that squelched all romantic feelings I had before. But I wasn't willing to give up on him yet.
Saturday we met at his house as planned. I kept my distance emotionally and physically. We worked but neither of us got much work done. I don't really remember what went on, we talked a lot. We talked more than we worked. At one point, he sat at his table with his laptop while I sat on his couch reading. He asked me to come over. So I walked up to the table. He pointed to the floor next to him and asked me to come over there. So I moved around and stood next to his chair. I thought he wanted to show me something. "What?" He didn't say anything but pointed to his cheek, his way of asking me for a kiss. Yeah, right. I said, "Oh, I see you want a kiss from me." He said yes. "Why?" I wanted a reason. He laughed. But he gave me no reason. So I walked back to the couch and sat down.
He said I was mean to deprive him. I told him if he couldn't do something as simple as tell me why he wanted a kiss from me then he didn't deserve one. I left that evening and gave him a hug. Later that night we talked on the phone for 2 hours. I explained some of my insecurities about our whatever this is. We had a heated discussion and hammered some things out.
We didn't see each other again until the next Saturday. He remained on probationary status with me.
What happened next is coming soon. Right now I have to go to school to prepare to teach.
