Sunday, I was too sad to go to church. The very thought of going made me cry. But, my friend needed me to watch her infant while she worked in the nursery. So I went. The sacrament hymn was something dour and awful about the angels weeping for the savior's pain. I started crying and couldn't stop. I made it through sacrament and the first short talk by keeping my head down and sucking on tissue.  I can't hide the crying because my face gets so blotchy.  I went home after 30 minutes, I knew it wouldn't stop.  I was ashamed for letting down my friend, but I couldn't stand to sit there.  At home,  I curled up on the couch with my snuggly cat, wrapped up in a blanket and watched TV.  I cried off and on for the rest of the day.

I'm tired.  I'm scared.

I did get a part-time job which was a gift from God.  Seriously, I had a blessing that Sunday, he said I'd find the positions I needed to provide for myself.  The department chair called me the day before class started and said they needed me. Good news.  That combined with my part-time unemployment should cover my expenses.

Except, as I now realize, because I am so many months behind on my bills, the new income will not be enough.  And the college won't pay me until I produce  proof of my degree.  Which I have to order from my university and pay for with money I do not have. Because I'm not getting paid . . . So there won't be enough for my rent next week.  I was in this exact position 8 years ago.  It seems like I haven't made any progress,  I'm only treading water. 

I can see the string of mistakes I've made throughout the last decade. At the time they seemed like the best choices.  I did my best. I never stopped trying. I have learned a lot emotionally in the struggles.  But, in terms of life skills I haven't grown at all.  Every time I turn around I make some stupid mistake that costs me money I don't have.  Like spilling water on my keyboard, breaking it for the second time in the last month, costing me $40 for 2 new keyboards.  Or putting my parking meter receipt face down and earning myself $160 in parking tickets in Queens. Or, buying the discounted 10 bus tickets, rather than the 2 tickets I needed.  Thereby overdrawing my account by $20 dollars, costing me $37 in fees, so that it not only canceled out the discount, but cost me an extra 32 bucks . . And last month wasn't even a bad month for me.  EVERY month is like that with the stupid mistakes.

I feel on the edge of breaking. Stretched to my limit.

Every single day is a struggle-- financially, emotionally, spiritually.  Why? What is all of this for? If it is true that 'men are that they may have joy'. . .  then the waiting feels long.  I've made it this far solely because of my faith, but it's wearing thin.

It's too hard to believe in a pay-off anymore. It's hard to keep hoping for better.  So, why do we bother with all of this? Why do we keep going when the past tells us life doesn't get better and doesn't get easier? Other than, we don't have a choice?  Because when we stop fighting we may as well die?

--Yet, I know that in a few days I'll wake up feeling okay and hopeful again. And then a few days later, I won't be okay.  And again and again and again.  It's exhausting.


According to Christie said...

Hey there J.... I hear you on that one. After a week of feeling amazing and hopeful and confident... I completely crashed and cried almost all day yesterday. I feel a little more hopeful after church today, but the rollercoaster is overwhelming!!

But i read your post about "taking responsibility" for our lives, and getting over the bitterness. That's what I'm trying to work on the most. I CAN control my life. It's NOT hopeless... but I have to TAKE ACTION... even if it means doing it over and over and over again until I find the results I'm looking for. We'll see.

hope you're doing well, email me sometime and fill me on things - hope you're feeling better today :)

City JL said...

Thanks, Christie. Not much to fill you in on. Still treading water. There are good days and bad days.

It's hard not to give up. It's so much easier to quit trying, stay home and complain. But then you are defeated. I think the disappointments get easier to bear, they have for me anyway. Sometimes we have to retreat and lick our wounds, but we can't stay that way.

Hang in there. Don't sell yourself short. You deserve someone as good as you are.