From Dictionary.com: (n) the process of converting and expressing a primitive instinctual desire or impulse to a form that is socially or culturally acceptable
A few days before I flew to Arizona for my sister's wedding, I went to the grocery store. Not because I needed food, but because I wanted to get out of the house. And grocery shopping is one chore I enjoy. Here's a list of what I bought on that lonely Saturday night sojourn:
1 pint strawberries
1 box fudgsicles (my low-fat attempt to wean off of ice cream)
2 pints cottage cheese
1 box fresh baked peanut butter chocolate chunk cookies (18 count)
1 liter Splenda Diet Coke (since I'm off aspertame, see dorway.org for why)
1 frozen Amy's organic pizza (to prevent me from ordering out)
1 bag Dole's Cole Slaw (my anti-guilt offering or just some fiber to keep the rest of it moving?)
There was actually an attractive single (no ring) man in the line ahead of me. As I placed my items on the counter, I looked down and got embarrassed. Could my food scream "Undersexed single woman!" any louder? No, I don't think so.
Years ago, I became aware of what your groceries can say about you. I was 23 years old and had gone to the Kroger late at night. Then too I had Diet Coke, ice cream, frozen pizza, and some vegetable/salad. An elderly African-American gentleman behind me chuckled to himself. Then he told me he was amused because I was buying a bachelorette's dinner. I laughed and knew he was right. I just didn't think I'd still be doing the same thing on a Saturday night 7 years later.
For 3 years, I had no appetite for food, because of the stress. Now, I wake up hungry--not with real hunger, but with a voracious appetite. Some days I can't eat enough, I can't fill the emptiness or satisfy the desire gnawing on my soul. I actually daydream about eating.
I know this for what it is. It's sexual frustration, sublimated lust and desire. My body screams for sex, so I shove food in my mouth to stifle the sound. I can't get what I really want, a man, so I try to bury the want with food. The worst thing is that even after I eat a lot, I'm just as hungry as before. Because the hunger isn't for food. There is no filling this void. I have to learn to ignore this appetite too.
There are celibate men and women who stay thin, right? So it must be possible. I must learn how to sublimate my hunger too because if I get any bigger I'll be hurting myself. I need to change my behavior NOW. I wish they'd taught us how to sublimate sex in Young Women's instead of cross-stitching. (Then again, imagine your YW president trying to teach that lesson, ew.) So, I ask you, my wise readers, how do you sublimate your lust without getting fat? Any suggestions for replacing my unhealthy food habit? (I refuse to take on another eating disorder so please don't suggest vomittng.)