The merry bridesmaid

Next week I fly out to Arizona for my little sister's wedding. She wanted bridesmaids even though she's getting married in the temple, so I'm going to be a bridesmaid. Since I'm not endowed I won't actually be in there for the wedding. Despite that she wants us in matching dresses for the pictures and the reception. The dress could be worse. However, it's doodoo brown because that's the trend this season.

I don't like brown. I don't wear brown. Ever. Scratch that, I bought my first brown pants I have owned in my whole life in the fall. That's when I had to buy my first batch of fat clothes. I bought them out of desperation more than anything else. Other than my fat pants, and some tweed heels I bought because I have a tweed fetish, I own nothing brown. Oh, except for the Coach clutch mom bought me a few years ago. (She failed to notice that my wardrobe excluded brown bless her heart--now I have a bag to wear with the doodoo brown dress!)

The dress is a Banana Republic which sis was sweet enough to purchase for me and mail to me. Luckily, I can still close the zipper. But I think I need some kind of girdle underwear... the dress is not flattering. It's made for shorter women with smaller chests. I hang out the v-neck front. Anyone with more than a B cup knows you can't wear V-cut necks. We're talking a V that goes all the way down between the girls. Well, I guess I'll just look like the slutty older spinster sister, in doo doo brown. That's OK.

Because I got me some s-e-x-y shoes to distract attention away from the dress. You can see the shoes above, the heels are 3.5 inches, and yes those are rhinestones. Yow. (Thanks mom!) They're not really my style, and the brown ones are matte instead of satiny. I think the shoes will save me from the dress. And at least now I know I'll look like a high-class hoochie, which makes it ok somehow. Jill wants us all to get our hair done together and then have mani-pedis. She said she wants us to pretend we are a normal happy family. I don't know why she wants to project that fantasy on us but, it's her day. It should be nice. Except.

I'm nervous about seeing all the family. Most of them I haven't seen in 10 years. Every single person out there knows what kind of horror awaits them at a family wedding: the pity (she's the older sister), the inquiry (do you have a boyfriend?), and then the encouragement (oh, you'll find a husband soon, you're so pretty!)--I heard that from my stepmother 5 years ago after I lost my lithium weight. Ugh. I always just want to scream at them: I've been busy because I'm getting a PhD! Aren't you people impressed by that at all??? No. They never are. But lose a little weight and they throw a party in your honor. (Even if they know you lost the weight because you couldn't afford to eat because you maxed out your credit cards in order move to the big city.)

But what are you going to do? Try to smile your way through it and eat lots of cake. (I do hope there is going to be good cake, chocolate that's not too sweet.) I also might try to milk the poor spinster routine, either that or try to play the glamorous big city career girl with no interest in things as parochial as marriage. ;)


Lollygagger said...

Family is so horrid like that. My mom's side of the family couldn't care less that I am pursuing graduate work (though I think I'm the first woman on that side of the family ever to do so); they pretty much ignore me. But I know that if I showed up at Aunt Susan's Christmas Eve party 30 pounds thinner (which I'm actually hoping I do), some of them might even go so far as to remember my name and talk to me and maybe maybe maybe try to set this spinster up with some nice closeted gay single guy in their ward. 

Left by Lollygagger

Mike said...

The shoes are cute.
So, which Banana Republic dress is it? Is it this  one?

I think that is a great dress- but probably not a good fit for anyone with breasts.

I still don't quite get the whole bridesmaids at a Mormon wedding thing. I just say save the money. However, if I ever get married I'll pretty much let my wife do whatever she wants with the thing. (as long as whatever she wants is eloping)


Left by Mike A.

JL said...

Nope, that's not the dress. I looked at the site and they don't have the dress up. The one I'm wearing is shorter, the length is 3/4 (just below my knees), it has an empire waist with a ribbon belt and cap sleeves. But the bust line is similar to the dress you posted.

Glad you like the shoes.

good luck losing the weight.(it's frightening how much attention that will get you, it makes me sick frankly.) And I know how you pine to be set up with closet homosexuals! Good to know my family isn't the only one that measures my value in terms of dress size.  

Left by JL

noelle feather said...

My feet hurt just looking at those shoes! :) 

Left by Feather123

JL said...

Yeah, but they look hot right?

Actually they don't hurt very much. They squeeze a little in the toe area and that will get worse as I wear them for hours, but they'd be worse if they were closed toe.I don't usually wear heels because I don't like having sore feet. I'm more of a barefoot aficianado than a shoe-fetishizer. I think feet were meant to be free and happy the way God made them. But for a little sister's wedding, feet must look hot and sexy. 

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Diva said...

Cool kicks JL! I didn't really get the whole Mormon wedding thing, so I had to google it and find out. I thought it was hard getting married in the Catholic Church, but compared to the Mormon religion, it's a cakewalk. Good luck! Eat some cake for me!!

Left by DIva

Stephen said...

I know that if I showed up at Aunt Susan's Christmas Eve party 30 pounds thinner (which I'm actually hoping I do), some of them might even go so far as to remember my name  

I've found that true for guys many times as well. Wish everyone well with that. At least I don't find anyone pressuring me to wear heels. 

Left by Stephen M (Ethesis)

Darryl said...

I'm sorry, but in general no one is impressed by the fact that you are getting your PhD. Im a plumber. Saying you have been busy because you are getting a PhD is like me saying I have been busy being a really good plumber. A very wise old boatwright once taught me that getting an education or developing a career is just a part of life. It isnt a substitute for a life. (my boatwright friend held a graduate degree from Harvard)

That sounds harsh now that I read it, but its true. And before I get railed on for comparing plumbing to a Phd, I put myself through grad school working as a plumber - got very good at it. After I got my Phd and taught for a few years I found life as a plumber was much more enjoyable - and paid more.

Anyway, good luck to you its never a simple road 

Left by Darryl

Jessica said...

I am extremely impressed by a PhD. If it wasn't impressive, more people would do it.  

Left by Jessica

jillmaren said...

ok, in my defense:
a) I sent you a link to the BR dress in FEBRUARY asking that you try it on before I bought it and b) when did I EVER say "I want to pretend like we're a normal, happy family"? I just thought it would be nice if you, me and Steph (the other 'bridesmaid') got mani-pedis. That's all. No big deal. I know our family is messed up and I know you're going to get a bunch of crap from the extended - for that I am sorry. And I'm sorry you hate the dress; but like I said, you had PLENTY of time to go try it on and tell me you hated it BEFORE I spent $150 on it and mailed it to you.

ps - I'm impressed with the PhD thing, too. That's HUGE.  

Left by jillmaren

Anonymous said...

I think a Ph.D is impressive. What I was getting out of her post is the fact that people only cared about whether or not she's found a man or if she's gotten fat. Those things are just a "normal" part of life also, so no one should make a big deal out of them either. When people are more concerned about your dress size or your current boyfriend status over getting a Ph.D...that's just sad.  

Left by Anonymous

Anonymous said...

Also a WOMAN getting a Ph.D...that's a lot more education to have compared to *most* Mormon women. Good for you JL!!!

noelle feather said...

PhD is freaking awesome. It's not even in the same ball park as a plumber.

But, am I missing something? Do you think it's odd to have bridesmaids at the Temple? I'm going to get married in the Temple (one day) and will most definitely have bridesmaids...maybe they do it differently on the east coast? Hum... 

Left by feather123

Darryl said...

Like I said, I have a PhD. Its not that different. 10 hours a day 5 or 6 days a week. Just like any other job.

Besides, my point was... forget it, its not worth going into. 

Left by Darryl

JL said...


You don't need to defend yourself. And you did say that you wanted us to be like normal people. The dress is fine and could be a lot worse. Just let me complain about it ok? That's my right as a bridesmaid and spinster. Do you want me to pay you back for the dress?

Personally, I think I would just elope if I ever got married. Bridesmaid at a temple wedding just seems like an added complication.

Re: the PhD thing. I'm offended that my value as a human being is measured by my dress size and spinsterhood. That should offend all of us.

I don't think a PhD makes me better than a plumber or any other person. But getting this degree has been hard work and a real struggle. It would have been much easier for me to just get a job and wait for a man to marry me, but I didn't. I would like it if my family recognized that and got excited for my success in my career as opposed to my accidental weight loss.  

Left by JL

JL said...

I get what you're saying that I shouldn't feel overly-pleased with myself because I'm in grad school. Because grad a student is "just a regular person who made an unfortunate life choice." Or something like that, I'm quoting Marge Simpson. Don't worry, that's not the case.

No one is making me wear heels. My sis wanted me to wear flats. To which I said, 'no way. If i have to wear a dress that emphasizes my non-existent waist and flabby arms, then I'm wearing sexy shoes and showing off my long legs.' So the shoes were totally my choice. I'm quite happy with them, and I think they are the most expensive shoes I own. I might have to buy more brown clothes just so I can wear them again.

Left by JL

casanova said...


I think I understand what you were getting at. However, I'm wondering why you felt the need to bring it up in the first place. I think what JL was saying is that, as a single Mormon adult, marital status is often seen as a measure of success or failure. It seems to me she was pointing out that she can measure the success of her life in other ways, in this case by working toward a PhD. I don't think she was insinuating that getting a PhD is better than anything else- just finding a way to negotiate an uncomfortable hypothetical conversation.

Left by casanova

Anonymous said...


Books going out today, to POB 20424, NYNY 10129

Priority mail so I can be certain they are headed your way. 

Left by Stephen M (Ethesis)

Katie said...

My little sister got married last summer and even though I have a wonderful boyfriend, full time awesome career and was about to start grad school I still elicited that piteous look from people's eyes because in their minds I couldn't "wrangle myself a man." Whatever. I think your PhD rocks.

Left by katie

Stephen said...

Books should arrive at the P.O.Box by tomorrow.

BTW, please reassure us that you've paid the fine and called the court and are ok.


Left by Stephen M (Ethesis)

JL said...

Thank you again, that was so sweet of you. I haven't been by the P.O. Box yet to look for them. But I'm going to the city to give a final exam on Friday and I'll look then.

I haven't taken care of my legal problem yet. I tried to see if I could pay the ticket at least online and it said I couldn't because a warrant had been issued. I plan to mail in a check for the parking ticket and then see what happens. My sister has a friend who said they dropped his bench warrant when he paid his ticket. So I'll keep my fingers crossed. They probably want their bail money too though. 

Left by JL