Ask the Celibate

From the CitC eMailbag:

Hello,
I recently read your post "Here's An Idea: Ask the Celibate" and have decided that is the course of action I would like to take.

I work with this girl. We both work at UPS. She was hired in about 8 months ago and I've been there nearly 5 years. I'm 23 and she's 19. Ever since she was hired to work there, I have had an urge to get to know her better and that's what I did. We talked a lot, about everything and it was always fun being able to bounce whatever stupid idea may have come in my head off of her. She would relate her stories about guys that already had tried to ask her out at UPS and we would both laugh about it.

After a while I realized that I really started to like her, and would try to "accidently" bump into her at the end of the day so that we could walk out to our cars together. Eventually it become common practice for me to walk with her and I didn't need to find an accidental reason to bump into her at the end of the day. One day I even mustered up the courage to ask her out to a hockey game and dinner, which she sounded only too enthusiastic to accept.

So we went out and had a fantastic time. I bought her flowers and had them delivered the next day to her house. She called me later that day to thank me and said that she was very impressed as was her whole family. So it went great. In fact, it was probably one of the better dates I've ever had.

For the next 5 days I racked my brain about whether or not next Friday was too early to ask her out again. I talked to everybody about it. Finally I decided, you know what, screw thinking about it, I'm just going to go with my gut and ask her out for Friday. So I did, and she said yes again. This time it was dinner and a movie. On the way to the movie I told her about how nuts I'd driven myself. When we left the car and headed into the theater she responded by making eye contact and thanking me for asking her out. Then she pulled my hand out of my pocket and held it the rest of the night.

Another great date. Another one of the best dates I've been on. Ok, so fast forward to this past weekend. Since the second date, we had two more. The third date we had a brief time in which she seemed so distant and sad. Saying things like, "I don't know why you'd want to date someone like me," but towards the end of the night we were laughing and smiling and holding hands again. Then the following Monday after that date she called me up and asked me out for the following Friday. Then, Friday morning after we got out of work we went to breakfast and she told me that she thought that this wasn't working. However, I wasn't ready to give up yet and talked her into continuing with our plans later that night. I thought that if I could just give her a really great evening that she would forget about the things she said and change her mind.

The date went great. Great conversation, great dinner, never was there a moment in which I thought we were heading towards a break-up. Until we were driving to the movie theater. She looked over at me and asked if I'd thought about what she said that morning. I said I had but I wasn't going to bring it up. She said that she had too and wanted to. She said that she was ready to throw in the towel. As we drove in silence toward the theater she finally broke out and asked if I wanted to talk about this. I did, so we parked.

I asked her what happened, what I did to change her attitude towards our dating. She said nothing, you did everything perfect. Later she said that she just didn't feel a spark. She said we'd be better off as friends. At this point I knew there was nothing I could say to change her mind. The sinking feeling that I keep getting is, what's wrong with me?? What is it with me that I could do everything perfect and yet there is no spark. Is what she told me just an excuse? Did she find someone else that suited her better? Does she have too many emotional problems and this was just the easiest one to fix?

I need a different kind of perspective. Vocalizing what I'm feeling works to an extent, but not quite what I need. If you could just tell me what you think about this, that would be great. I just don't understand what happened. Why didn't she know there was no spark after the first date instead of after the fourth? I'm just really confused by this whole thing.

Thanks, Confused

Dear Confused,

It sounds to me like a situation where the girl likes your personality, likes your friendship and company...but she's not attracted to you. [I am only guessing here.] Women don't like to say 'No', especially to nice guys. Women are very different from men in that we don't rule them in or out right away based on their attractiveness, sometimes we do, but not generally. Most guys fall into a 'regular guy cute' category, which means you don't take her breath away but if the dude plays his cards right she could be interested. Within that category are degrees: like 'he's cute', 'he's ok', 'maybe'. The phenomenon of being attracted to a guy when you were not initially is confusing. Because of her age, she has not likely had a lot of experience with this.

I'd guess she said 'yes' the first time because she wasn't sure you meant it to be a date-date and/or she wanted to give you a chance because she likes you. After you sent her the flowers there was no mistaking your intentions. The flowers may have caused her to feel obligated to go out with you again. The comment she made about her family being impressed with the flowers suggests they could have influenced her decision.

By the time she was holding your hand, she probably decided to give romance with you a chance, expecting the attraction would come. That's why she would agree to the next date. I have done that myself. I had a boyfriend for 5 months for whom I felt no physical attraction. But because he was the first man who treated me well, I thought I should try. I learned my lesson, I grew to despise him and he repulsed me.

Anyway. When she told you she didn't think it was going to work out she probably realized the attraction wasn't there and it was cruel to lead you on. That likely made her sad because she wanted to be attracted to you. She sounds like a nice girl. Chin up, confused! It's not you. Well, nothing personal anyway. You should be flattered that she liked you so much that she wanted to try going out with you despite not feeling sparks. People can't force it, as much as many of us have tried.

All hope is not lost, however. The way to win a woman's heart is with time. Be her friend. Be a good friend. Love her and show her kindness and talk to her and be there for her and given enough time, she will grow to love you as a friend too. Then, MAYBE, her love of your insides will spread to her love and desire of your outsides. Good luck and don't despair my friend. (Although, you might want to re-think sending flowers after one date. That's pretty intense and could scare some women away. I'd suggest bringing one flower to the second date instead.)

--OR--
Her comment about not believing you would 'like someone like her' does suggest emotional problems in the self-esteem area. If she is severely damaged then she could feel that you are too nice or too good for her. And if that is the case, there is nothing you can do about dating her. But you can still be a good friend by helping her feel better about herself and maybe help her get into some therapy.

Love, the Celibate
[Take this advice with a shaker of salt.]

Do you have a love conundrum? Ask the Celibate!