Sunday night, the 19th, my mother queried after my unusual and sudden improvement in mood. I didn't tell her the whole reason. I like to keep her out of my love life, she's only met two of my boyfriends. One was in high school because she made me bring him over for a family dinner of fun. Mom told me she thought he was very cute and she could see why I liked him. That was both icky and wrong. She was supposed to dislike him because he had long hair, an earring and played drums in a speed metal band(Stop laughing! It was 1992 and that was still cool.) My dad didn't give a rat's arse about him. The poor boy asked me what he'd said and was disappointed when I told him 'nothing.' So I went home and asked my pops. All he said was: 'He's ok. He needs a shave and a haircut.' That boy had no facial hair. I think he was mocking me and my tender 16 year old heart.
The second time was in 2001 when she came to see me for Thanksgiving and we three had dinner together which gave me an anxiety attack. Really. I had to go outside of the restaurant for awhile so I could start breathing again. I don't know why it was so hard for me other than the 'worlds colliding' problem. (The Seinfeld show did a more than adequate treatment of that in one episode so I won't discuss it here.) She was very pleasant and he was a gentleman, I was the only one suffering from the collision. My extreme discomfort during that meal lead to more anxiety the next day when he wanted to come over. So I told him he couldn't. Then we had a fight and he threw his home-made pasta out the window of his truck on the freeway. Looking back, I think I was ashamed of him and what my mother would think. He was a sweetheart, and a beautiful vacuous mimbo with a temper.
And so it went. I'm still not comfortable sharing my love life with her. Hundreds of strangers, yes. Mother, no.
Re-released POST FROM DEC. 20:
So currently, there is a man around here. Mom will be all over it if I'm getting phone calls from a boy while staying with her for Christmas. She can wait until then to hear about it. There is no reason to get her excited yet. When she hears of one guy she'll ask me about him for a year. Even when he's been history for ages, or when it was one date that turned into nothing.
One day she'll be pondering her grandchild-less state and the injustice of the universe, then...she makes phone calls. Like this one to my sister. She calls both of us and starts prodding for info about our love lives. She brings up whatever guy she can think of that she once heard about from me and ask,
"So do you ever hear from that ______ guy? What was his name?"
"His name is mud. No. I hate him."
"Oh. Why?"
"Because. He sucks."
"Well what about so and so?"
"No. He hates me."
"Why?"
"Because I'm me. Can we not talk about this."
"Oh,ok. What's about___?
"He came out of the closet last year and is much happier. We hang out all the time. I have to go."
"I sure wish you had someone. I think you'd be happier."
"So would you. Where is your boyfriend, huh? Why aren't you dating?"
"I'm too old and ugly."
"You're not. But whatever. I have to go."
"What's that guy doing that you grew up with? Do you ever hear from him?"
"We're friends. He has 8 girlfriends. I'm going now."
. . .
God bless her, she just wants some grandkids. My mother and my ovaries should start a club, the "Get JL Frigging Preggers Already Boosters." Then they could have bake sales to benefit the cause. Hmm, what would be the best way for my boosters to spend the proceeds?
As far as injustices go, mom is afraid to ask my eldest brother if he and his wife of 8 years are planning to have children. She has never asked him. Finally, last year she asked my brother's mother-in-law if she knew anything. She, of course, had been asking her daughter when and if they would breed. The answer: They won't rule it out. Translation: They won't complain if there's an accident.
