The big 3-5 today! Yipee. Funny thing is turning 34 was more of a crisis. It messed me up for a month. I guess I got it out of the way.
This is the year I am changing my life. I can not keep living this way. I have to stop the unstable seasonal employment without benefits. And I can't live with my unfinished doctoral work hanging like a millstone on my neck. I have to let it go. I can't finish for reasons I do not understand. So, I either start over in a new doctoral program or move on.
I had a rough night. I woke at 4:30 a.m. because I have a lot of worries at the moment. Then I had a hard time falling asleep. When I did I had a semi-conscious nightmare. I remember all of it:
I was living in the Brooklyn brownstone again with the same roommates I had before. Only now they hated me because I lived in the best room of the house with my own bathroom. My mother was visiting. Which angered the roommates. My mom got mad at me and yelled then threw my dishes on the floor breaking them. Then my best friend that I have been estranged from for the last 2 years, came to visit and there was no room for her. The roommates were not thrilled and they started using my bathroom which became repulsive. We had to use the bathtub as a toilet, it was backed up and had floating feces in the water. And there were extra cats everywhere, so they were making me get rid of my cats, but I wouldn't. The other cats were fighting with my kitties, I had to keep rescuing them. And the little one got stuck in a huge piles of her own vomit. The landlords were a lesbian couple that were threatening to kick me out because of the cats and my mother.
I remember all of that because I kept waking up at the worst parts then falling back to sleep into the same dream. I'm worried about a lot of things which explains the dream. But I have dear friends coming up from Philadelphia to spend the day with me. They're surprising me with special plans for the day. We are guaranteed to have a good time.
3.12.2011
3.04.2011
Closure 2
My closure is progressing. I have passed the crisis point I reached last week. [I also needed to deal with my feelings because one of the gentlemen pursuing me returns from the west coast this month. He already asked me to go out with him when he gets back. He is a good prospect (not Mormon), if he loses the ponytail.]
I wrote a closure letter to xbf last week, it's mostly an apology. I worked on it in the middle of the night, but did not finish. Then I started mourning the loss of that relationship. I didn't complete that process the first time around because A)I was too emotionally unstable to deal with it last spring and B)I did not believe it was over, over. So. Now I know.
On Wednesday, things changed. I simply woke up feeling differently. I attribute that to prayer and divine intervention. The weight of my sorrow and distress was completely gone. I just knew, all of a sudden, that everything would be okay. I no longer have to worry about him, or us. I have nothing more I need to do. I do not need to talk to him or see him. I feel comforted, and know that I did not ruin my life by pushing him away, nor with any of the mistakes I made. That part of my heart feels peace.
Oddly, it's not a moving on type of feeling. It is a resolution, so I can get on with my life. I am not waiting for anything from him anymore. But it feels like whatever is supposed to be between us will be. Somehow, I feel undeniably that our story is not over. Whatever that means. Maybe in a few years we can be friends for real. That would be awesome. He is a beautiful person.
Part of me gets fidgety at the thought, that there will be more to come. Rationally, I know it's dangerous and unhealthy. Like I'm still holding on to something I shouldn't. And I hate the term 'supposed to' implying our lives are guided by an unavoidable destiny. I don't like the idea of destiny. I think it's a crutch and a way to avoid responsibility for one's life. However, not believing in destiny makes life a lot more scary.
Can you really believe in an omniscient benevolent God and not believe He guides our lives to some ultimate conclusion for our own good? That belief is built into the Western concept of God. It's almost necessary in order to reconcile oneself to the evil God allows in the world. Ah, but this is a complicated and millenia-old question.
The point is, I'm okay now. I no longer feel tortured by the way things ended, or the waiting. This is one of the gifts of faith.
I wrote a closure letter to xbf last week, it's mostly an apology. I worked on it in the middle of the night, but did not finish. Then I started mourning the loss of that relationship. I didn't complete that process the first time around because A)I was too emotionally unstable to deal with it last spring and B)I did not believe it was over, over. So. Now I know.
On Wednesday, things changed. I simply woke up feeling differently. I attribute that to prayer and divine intervention. The weight of my sorrow and distress was completely gone. I just knew, all of a sudden, that everything would be okay. I no longer have to worry about him, or us. I have nothing more I need to do. I do not need to talk to him or see him. I feel comforted, and know that I did not ruin my life by pushing him away, nor with any of the mistakes I made. That part of my heart feels peace.
Oddly, it's not a moving on type of feeling. It is a resolution, so I can get on with my life. I am not waiting for anything from him anymore. But it feels like whatever is supposed to be between us will be. Somehow, I feel undeniably that our story is not over. Whatever that means. Maybe in a few years we can be friends for real. That would be awesome. He is a beautiful person.
Part of me gets fidgety at the thought, that there will be more to come. Rationally, I know it's dangerous and unhealthy. Like I'm still holding on to something I shouldn't. And I hate the term 'supposed to' implying our lives are guided by an unavoidable destiny. I don't like the idea of destiny. I think it's a crutch and a way to avoid responsibility for one's life. However, not believing in destiny makes life a lot more scary.
Can you really believe in an omniscient benevolent God and not believe He guides our lives to some ultimate conclusion for our own good? That belief is built into the Western concept of God. It's almost necessary in order to reconcile oneself to the evil God allows in the world. Ah, but this is a complicated and millenia-old question.
The point is, I'm okay now. I no longer feel tortured by the way things ended, or the waiting. This is one of the gifts of faith.
3.03.2011
Radio Song
Many of you know that music is very important to me. I am very picky.
I found the best radio station I've ever heard. NY Public Radio broadcasts their morning show, John in the Morning, from 9-1 EST. It's a Seattle station. They generally play independent/alternative/punk/new wave songs. Old and new. From 1977-now. I wholeheartedly endorse the John show. The DJs program their own playlists, and this man shares my musical brain. The rest of the time the station is good, but not as superlative.
Stream it here: http://kexp.org
It's a public station with no advertising, so they are having their Spring Drive this week. It's a little annoying, but you should contribute $ if you like the station and become a listener. The Senate will soon vote to cut all Federal funding of public broadcasting. So, they are all at risk.
Enjoy!
I found the best radio station I've ever heard. NY Public Radio broadcasts their morning show, John in the Morning, from 9-1 EST. It's a Seattle station. They generally play independent/alternative/punk/new wave songs. Old and new. From 1977-now. I wholeheartedly endorse the John show. The DJs program their own playlists, and this man shares my musical brain. The rest of the time the station is good, but not as superlative.
Stream it here: http://kexp.org
It's a public station with no advertising, so they are having their Spring Drive this week. It's a little annoying, but you should contribute $ if you like the station and become a listener. The Senate will soon vote to cut all Federal funding of public broadcasting. So, they are all at risk.
Enjoy!
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