3.04.2011

Closure 2

My closure is progressing. I have passed the crisis point I reached last week. [I also needed to deal with my feelings because one of the gentlemen pursuing me returns from the west coast this month. He already asked me to go out with him when he gets back. He is a good prospect (not Mormon), if he loses the ponytail.]

I wrote a closure letter to xbf last week, it's mostly an apology. I worked on it in the middle of the night, but did not finish. Then I started mourning the loss of that relationship. I didn't complete that process the first time around because A)I was too emotionally unstable to deal with it last spring and B)I did not believe it was over, over. So. Now I know.

On Wednesday, things changed. I simply woke up feeling differently. I attribute that to prayer and divine intervention. The weight of my sorrow and distress was completely gone. I just knew, all of a sudden, that everything would be okay. I no longer have to worry about him, or us. I have nothing more I need to do. I do not need to talk to him or see him. I feel comforted, and know that I did not ruin my life by pushing him away, nor with any of the mistakes I made. That part of my heart feels peace.

Oddly, it's not a moving on type of feeling. It is a resolution, so I can get on with my life. I am not waiting for anything from him anymore. But it feels like whatever is supposed to be between us will be. Somehow, I feel undeniably that our story is not over. Whatever that means. Maybe in a few years we can be friends for real. That would be awesome. He is a beautiful person.

Part of me gets fidgety at the thought, that there will be more to come. Rationally, I know it's dangerous and unhealthy. Like I'm still holding on to something I shouldn't. And I hate the term 'supposed to' implying our lives are guided by an unavoidable destiny. I don't like the idea of destiny. I think it's a crutch and a way to avoid responsibility for one's life. However, not believing in destiny makes life a lot more scary.

Can you really believe in an omniscient benevolent God and not believe He guides our lives to some ultimate conclusion for our own good? That belief is built into the Western concept of God. It's almost necessary in order to reconcile oneself to the evil God allows in the world. Ah, but this is a complicated and millenia-old question.

The point is, I'm okay now. I no longer feel tortured by the way things ended, or the waiting. This is one of the gifts of faith.

7 comments:

SilverRain said...

Thank you for this post. It is beautiful.

I have often wondered over the question you pose. Do I believe that God has a hand in our lives? Without a doubt. Do I believe that He guides us to an "ultimate conclusion for our own good"? Not necessarily. I wonder if "our own good" is not found in the journey, rather than the destination.

It's kind of what the 3 Israelites said to the king in Daniel 3:15-17, which was essentially, "We know that God has power to deliver us, but even if we are not delivered, we will not betray Him." It's a process of letting go of the destination, of no longer worrying about it, of knowing that no matter where you end up (burned to a crisp, or delivered), it will be for your good.

It's a hard thing to accept, but I have found great peace in it.

SilverRain said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
SavvyD said...

Really let it all go. You'll be happier. let go of any friendship, any future, anything at all.

And let go of the idea that a man shouldnt have a ponytail. He might be a good one. :)

I would date a man who is good and not my same denomination over one who is my denomination and just bad news.

J.L. said...

I've let it go. I'm totally fine. I just know he'll come looking for me someday, like in a few years. Hopefully by then I'll be married.

God made scissors for a reason. ;-) A few well-placed hints and I think the ponytail will go away. But I wouldn't do that to him unless I knew I wanted to get serious.

Emily said...

I dated a guy with longer hair than mine.

J.L. said...

My first boyfriend had a ponytail. His hair was beautiful, long thick black curls. But it was 1992. And he was a drummer in a speed metal band. And we were 16.

I think 40 is too old for a ponytail.

Stephen said...

These days only guys in their 40s have ponytails.