My closure is progressing. I have passed the crisis point I reached last week. [I also needed to deal with my feelings because one of the gentlemen pursuing me returns from the west coast this month. He already asked me to go out with him when he gets back. He is a good prospect (not Mormon), if he loses the ponytail.]
I wrote a closure letter to xbf last week, it's mostly an apology. I worked on it in the middle of the night, but did not finish. Then I started mourning the loss of that relationship. I didn't complete that process the first time around because A)I was too emotionally unstable to deal with it last spring and B)I did not believe it was over, over. So. Now I know.
On Wednesday, things changed. I simply woke up feeling differently. I attribute that to prayer and divine intervention. The weight of my sorrow and distress was completely gone. I just knew, all of a sudden, that everything would be okay. I no longer have to worry about him, or us. I have nothing more I need to do. I do not need to talk to him or see him. I feel comforted, and know that I did not ruin my life by pushing him away, nor with any of the mistakes I made. That part of my heart feels peace.
Oddly, it's not a moving on type of feeling. It is a resolution, so I can get on with my life. I am not waiting for anything from him anymore. But it feels like whatever is supposed to be between us will be. Somehow, I feel undeniably that our story is not over. Whatever that means. Maybe in a few years we can be friends for real. That would be awesome. He is a beautiful person.
Part of me gets fidgety at the thought, that there will be more to come. Rationally, I know it's dangerous and unhealthy. Like I'm still holding on to something I shouldn't. And I hate the term 'supposed to' implying our lives are guided by an unavoidable destiny. I don't like the idea of destiny. I think it's a crutch and a way to avoid responsibility for one's life. However, not believing in destiny makes life a lot more scary.
Can you really believe in an omniscient benevolent God and not believe He guides our lives to some ultimate conclusion for our own good? That belief is built into the Western concept of God. It's almost necessary in order to reconcile oneself to the evil God allows in the world. Ah, but this is a complicated and millenia-old question.
The point is, I'm okay now. I no longer feel tortured by the way things ended, or the waiting. This is one of the gifts of faith.