3.12.2011

Happy Birthday to Me!

The big 3-5 today! Yipee. Funny thing is turning 34 was more of a crisis. It messed me up for a month. I guess I got it out of the way.

This is the year I am changing my life. I can not keep living this way.  I have to stop the unstable seasonal employment without benefits. And I can't live with my unfinished doctoral work hanging like a millstone on my neck. I have to let it go. I can't finish for reasons I do not understand. So, I either start over in a new doctoral program or move on.

I had a rough night. I woke at 4:30 a.m. because I have a lot of worries at the moment.  Then I had a hard time falling asleep.  When I did I had a semi-conscious nightmare. I remember all of it:

I was living in the Brooklyn brownstone again with the same roommates I had before. Only now they hated me because I lived in the best room of the house with my own bathroom. My mother was visiting. Which angered the roommates. My mom got mad at me and yelled then threw my dishes on the floor breaking them. Then my best friend that I have been estranged from for the last 2 years, came to visit and there was no room for her. The roommates were not thrilled and they started using my bathroom which became repulsive. We had to use the bathtub as a toilet, it was backed up and had floating feces in the water. And there were  extra cats everywhere, so they were making me get rid of my cats, but I wouldn't. The other cats were fighting with my kitties, I had to keep rescuing them. And the little one got stuck in a huge piles of her own vomit. The landlords were a lesbian couple that were threatening to kick me out because of the cats and my mother. 

 I remember all of that because I kept waking up at the worst parts then falling back to sleep into the same dream. I'm worried about a lot of things which explains the dream.  But I have dear friends coming up from Philadelphia to spend the day with me. They're surprising me with special plans for the day. We are guaranteed to have a good time.

8 comments:

Eliezer said...

Happy Birthday! Awesome retro music video.

Fei said...

Happy birthday, JL!

Kevin Barney said...

Happy bday! Glad that was only a dream; holy crap!

SavvyD said...

Altered Images! What a great group.

One thing I do know about the meds, they do provide you with some very entertaining dreams.

SavvyD said...

and Happy Birthday!!

Linne Haywood said...

Happy Birthday, J.L. I think you are such a brave writer. Thank you for being willing to share so much of yourself with strangers. I wish you peace this coming year. Your constancy of faith is inspiring. I know you are always worried about money; if you ever get around to publishing a book, I will be first in line to buy it!

Stephen said...

Happy Birthday.

Mel-o-drama said...

Sorry I missed it earlier, but hope you had a great birthday!