The Good Book

More than once, in personal blessings, I have been told to search the scriptures for answers to all my 'pertinent questions'. I was promised I would find answers there, and could use this gift to plan my life. I haven't made much use of it. It seemed so general and obvious, even dubious. But it was repeated, I was meant to notice and remember.

While lying in bed recently, I did remember. Because I find myself at a crossroads, again, my future weighs heavy in my thoughts. I have to decide what I want for the rest of my life, given where I am right now. I do not have the life I wanted and planned for. The world is not my oyster as I once believed. I need new plans, new dreams. That night, I considered my single state. I knew I had to let go of my expectation for a marriage and family. This was it for me. I needed to see my future as a single woman. That way, I could make the plans necessary to find some happiness. First, however, I had to do the letting go. Which hurts. It's a sad thing to lose a dream.

I tried to look forward to what my single life could be, where I might find joy and fulfillment. Maybe I could adopt children some day, if I ever had the means and maturity; become a work-a-holic and master of my career, maybe pick up a new career or two; write books, be an amazing friend, a loving aunt, learn to play the cello like a pro, join a Masters Swim team, travel more, and volunteer for everything. Then, when done with that, I could consume the rest of my time with genealogy. This was really great stuff. One should be able to live a fulfilling life alone, if she put in the work. And, yet. This rumination did nothing for my mood.

The road ahead still looked desolate. I could fill my time with worthwhile, good things, but I couldn't imagine it would fill my heart. I've accomplished a great deal in life already. By myself. In the end, it always felt empty. I learned early that these things won't bring me peace. So, despite my best efforts to comfort myself that night, I continued to wallow in pity. Then I remembered my blessing, promising that I could find answers in the scriptures.

I looked over at my worn-out seminary Bible on the bedside table. I thought, "Ha! Answer this. I challenge you to make me feel better about my single future. Tell me how to be happy about it, or at least, how to feel content." I wiped off my tears, reached over and picked up the Good Book. Full of spiteful energy, I murmured that I would not suffer inane advice to taunt me. And I wouldn't let the book fall open either, I would open it exactly where I left off the night before. I would read my 3 chapters and see if the Spirit showed me an answer. Good luck with that.

I felt quite smug, until I finished the first chapter. It was completely irrelevant but then I flipped the page. Oh. Hmm. I had finished one book and faced the title of the next, The Book of Ruth. Well. Ruth. I remembered her story. If any book in the Bible could answer my question, it might actually be this one. Instantly humbled, I repented my attitude and started reading.

more to come . . . HERE