It's 3 am. I haven't been sleeping. Today was hard. I've been angry this week, very angry. I discovered a new vein on the side of my forehead. Tuesday, at work in the bathroom mirror, I could see this vein bulging out thick with blood, it did that all night. No vein today, but every time I let the anger go, tears welled up. Mostly this happened between classes at work, so I had to suck it up and put the anger back on. Just being there makes me sad now. I had to shamefully sneak into the department to pick up my mail because I didn't want to run into anyone.
I'm angry at them. That they fired me without any warning. That I had to beg them to tell me the truth. That when they finally did, they made it personal. They called me Indifferent after 7 years of giving blood, sweat and tears. I'm angry at myself for doing the things they said I did. For not having a clue.
I'm angry that I trusted someone, decided to love him and the very next day he went away. I'm angry that I essentially had the same relationship twice last year, with two different men. The same quick build-up of passion, overwhelming romance, he said 'I love you', acted like he loved me, said he wanted this to last permanently, made me believe him. Until I returned the feeling. Then I got dumped. Both times. Sudden. Cold. Awful. Goodbye. Because they were afraid. Yet, they both still wanted to be "friends". They couldn't be without me. Nor could they, or would they, be with me. So our relationships continued, as romantic "friends", without commitment or a future. And failed miserably, of course.
And I wonder why I bother with men who don't want me. Why I put myself through that. Why I think I have to wait for them to change their minds, again. Waiting is crap. I deserve better. I want someone who wants to love me. Me. As I am. Now. Not begrudgingly because they can't help it. Not maybe sometime later. Not when they're un-broken, not when they're un-unemployed, not when they're done with the girl they've shacked up with, not when my meds start working, and not after they grow a pair. Have me now, or never.
I'm angry that after days like today, when I spent all day grading papers then lectured four and a half hours, wanting to cry throughout, and my last class acted like jerks, so I came home exhausted at 9 pm and I needed a comforting hug, that there was none. That I don't know what to do anymore. All I can do at this point is put my life in the Lord's hands. Become more spiritual and obedient. Try to be better. Pray for the best. Keep myself from drowning.
I'm angry at the man who hurt me. That I keep remembering the wonderful things, the more wonderful, the more angry I get. Because without that anger, knowing he is gone from my life forever makes my chest feel swollen, so swollen it's hard to breathe and I start choking for air. When I see him in my mind, his cute nose under his beautiful green eyes, smiling so radiantly, like there's no where else in the world he'd rather be than with me, holding me, and I remember how it felt, sweet and warm and cozy and safe, my body humming happily with his, and how much I wished we never had to let go . . . it's then, that I really, really, need to be angry.