My life as an Insecure Freakshow

I have been home by myself all week. I had dinner with people in the house on Monday, went to my office for a couple hours Tuesday, went to the grocery store yesterday. And dealt with the Germans-cooking-meat-kitchen drama last night. Other than that I've been wandering the dark places of my mind. It's like a fun house back there, if I go in deep enough or spend enough time, all crazy mirrors and distortions. Little things seem huge, normal things turn ugly. I had a very anxious day spent knotted up with my insecurities. Then I wrote the post and took it down 3 hours later. Right before I went out for some of my wild single girl city fun.

A typical Friday night out in the city:
We didn't even get to see the comedy show because they changed the times and we got there too late. We had over-priced burritos next door to the club, then couldn't decide what to do next, go to the late show or meet Lacy at the bar. I told Barb and Kevo to decide because I didn't care. That decision discussion took some time. They almost flipped a coin for it. But Kevo really wanted to go to the bar to see Lacy because she is so *hot and adorable* and he thought he could get her to take him home. Even though Barbara told him that Lacy only went to that bar to flirt with Mary the bartender who already turned her down because she has a girlfriend. Kevo would not be discouraged.

Barbara didn't want to go to the bar because she knew she would have to smoke if she drank and she wants to quit and didn't want to spend 6 bucks on a pack for just one night's worth of smokes. She also wanted to laugh. Eventually they worked it out. We went to the bar near West 4th and she asked me if she could give me the pack of ciggys at the end of the night for me to give away or something. The rest of the night was pretty chill. We talked and caught up with each other's lives. After hearing about my troubles from the past semester, Kev suggested that "Maybe you just need a good lay." I laughed and agreed. He doesn't know about my celibacy-virginity thing and he's not someone who could respect it. He'd mock me until the end of time.

Around 2 a.m. the bar started clearing out. Freezing rain was falling outside. It didn't look like Kevo succeeded in hooking up with his target. Barb and I rescued her from his exclusive attentions about half an hour earlier. He tried until the bitter end, he wouldn't go to the subway with me because he wanted to wait to see her home. Silly boy. Lacy definitely did not succeed with her flirtations but the bartender worked her with lots of attention for the tips. Good times.

At 2:30ish I left by myself, I almost never have to walk to the subway alone when out with friends. On the way, a homeless man in the village asked me for change and when I said 'no' he said, "You're a very pretty lady. I'd like to get to know you. But I know that is impossible." This caused me to take the long way around to the subway. Despite the detour, he came down and saw me waiting in the station. He said, "Hi again pretty lady. That's ok. I still love you." I told him 'thank you.' While waiting 30 minutes for the train I ruminated on the class divisions in America and how I would have preferred to talk to the man, I don't like ignoring people that way. But I learned that I can't do that or they'll keep pushing trying to take more liberties with me. Sometimes they ask you out or might start touching you or talking for 30 minutes or the worst is when they follow you...yes, I am stupid enough to have learned that the hard way.

Please ignore the man behind the curtain, I mean, my irrational outbursts. Or not, that's ok too.