1.27.2005

The Big Announcement

My dating stories bore me. Yup. I'm done. I still have at least a dozen to write, I never got around to some of the best ones. But I find the prospect of returning to those memories and revisiting the details repugnant. Here's a summary: I dated one loser after another, the quality men eluded my grasp, hence I'm single. Men and dates and subtexts and rejection and all of that mess just feels yucky to me now. No more. What does this mean to you dear readers? The end of CitC? NO. Absolutely not. The focus is going to shift more to the "City" aspect of my life. I find those things much more interesting, perhaps you will too.

Story of a blog about dating:
At the time I started this blog I felt totally desolate and without hope for any future conjugal bliss. I wanted to give up. My battered heart couldn't take one more hit. So I turned to writing and mined the past for these stories and found value in the ridiculousness of my love life. Rather than letting them pile up to embitter me, I could share them with people who could laugh or cry or have something to read at work. For a few months last year, blogging was the one pleasure I had. Thanks to all my readers for contributing to the pleasure! Your comments and the rise of the hit counter validated my existence as something more than a waste of space. Hooray!

Then I got over the pathetic desolation when I went to Ireland in the summer. Where I met someone who showed me I was desirable and still capable of feeling love-type emotions. I think that was a miracle, a gift for me just when I needed it most: a quite fantastic affair with a sweet and hot Irish Mormon while romping among ancient ruins and stormy weather gods.

Redolent with the glow of it all, I came home to New York with renewed hope and a rejuvenated heart. But I faced real life problems as soon as I got back, such as finding myself homeless. I got the living situation resolved before classes started but I still wasn't strong enough. Just when my workload got heavy, the blog got discovered and offended my Irish friend, causing me to lose the possibility of him. I knew it wasn't very likely to begin with but losing that still crushed me. It hurt so much because it was the best thing that happened to me in two years, perhaps the only good thing: a nice, normal, fun guy liked me even after we spent days together! And having something to hope for makes a big difference in one's quality of living.

The mountain of PhD:
While feeling the brunt of that devastation, my work became too much. I had a severe crisis and nearly quit school. I dropped as much of my responsibilities as I could, stopped going to my classes and became an incompetent teacher. I should have been fired and I should have been kicked out of my program. But I wasn't and I didn't quit. I started asking for help, for the first time in my life. Some kind people responded for which I am grateful. One fellow student, the first person I reached out to, became a good friend and now he is deliciously more. My parents were sympathetic which is rare. I even had a helpful correspondence with another blogger who had a similiar situation.

Now I stand at the base of this mountain. I slid down it last year. The descent bruised and almost broke me, which I probably deserved. My pride has taken a severe dismantling.
For the first time in my life I have failed at school. The one thing I knew I could do well has proven beyond the reach of my abilities. I hope it was temporary. I hope my self-imposed collapse saved me from a worse fate. I couldn't go on any longer with that amount of stress. This might mean I am not good enough, which I am now willing to accept.

This mountain, I have to climb back up or it's over. If I can't get it together this year then I will stop. Maybe go back to journalism. Or do temping again while working on a dive instructor license. If I do that then I can move somewhere exotic and find a job diving with tourists!

The new semester started today. I still have some humbling groveling to do so I can get out of the pit of failure. I have to ask one of the most arrogant professors for a favor that I don't deserve. I never asked for special treatment before last year. I never wanted to use depression as an excuse. I thought that would be wrong and weak. I hate this but I don't have a choice unless I want to fail out.

I don't know what to say to the man. I tried to approach him in December and he bit my head off. I have to talk to him today/tonight/tomorrow morning at the latest. How do you ask for special treatment for failing? I've had some students do it and found them quite disgusting. That's probably why I've procrastinated for two months. I did give one girl a chance to replace her F with a passing grade if she did some work. This guy could very likely say No. If I were him I might say no. Though I'd more likely say yes with Hipocritical disdain. Argghhh. Enough.

**We'll see how long this lasts. I give it two weeks max.

22 comments:

Anonymous said...

What can I say, but, "Good luck this semester"? 

Message from Sister T

Anonymous said...

You can always go back to dating crapola stories. There's no law about changing one's mind from time to time.

New York City would be an interesting subject I bet. I think anyone who travels in airports would have a lot of stories to tell too. I remember living in Portugal for awhile and it was something different every day, and not what the tourist would see which was even more interesting.  

Message from Anonymous

Anonymous said...

As long as you don't stop blogging, I don't care what it's about. You always make things interesting and entertaining. (And I think Journalism is a definite possiblity for you). 

Message from Lizzy

Anonymous said...

I find the blog engaging and interesting. I'm glad that you found hope.

What you need to do is talk to your advisor and to whoever handles ADA issues for your university. Then talk to the guy who bit your head off. Be honest.

You had a legitimate medication induced meltdown. Things happen. The problem with the medications is fixed, you intend to return to working hard and doing the kind of work you were doing before your medication levels and types got changed up with bad consequences.

It isn't any different than if you broke your arm or went temporarily blind, just harder to notice.

I found hope again as I do every year and wish you the same. If it is any consolation, I didn't get married until I was 29 and while things have been rough in my life, I'm so very glad that we married (and still are -- we just had our 20th yesterday. Kind of modified by our baby Rachel -- our five year old -- coming down with influenza, but aside from some power vomiting and some flashbacks, it was a very good day).
 

Message from Stephen M (Ethesis)

Anonymous said...

JL,

I think most of us stumble on to your site because of the topic of 'Mormon Dating' and we like to see that we are not the only ones dealing with the unique challenges that come with it. But I also think that most of stick around because of the way you tell a good story.

Keep Writting and we will keep reading. Deal? deal!  

Message from EL Chidote

Anonymous said...

JL,
Thank you for your honesty! I have so enjoyed this site, and know I will whether it's about dating or the city or small pieces of fruit. :)

I had to have a talk with a law professor last Spring about my depression (as in, the fact that I had it and didn't know it for the first year and a half of law school and was just beginning to find out what "normal" was all about, but in the meantime hadn't done any work for a month). I had to tell her my paper wouldn't be done for her class. She and the Dean were both sympathetic and understanding, for which I will be forever grateful.

If this particular professor isn't sympathetic, hopefully there is someone else in your department who will advocate for you. Depression is becoming more of an accepted illness and it's always surprising to find out how many people know *exactly* what I am talking about.

Good luck!

Kelly 

Message from Kelly

Anonymous said...

Ah what a wonderful post. I have no idea how I stumbled upon this blog - isn't the internet wonderful that way. I am not even sure that I understood that it was solely about your dating experiences. You've been writing about life in the city for a while now - ok with intermittent flashbacks to dating stories. They were all fascinating. They all seemed to chronicle the growth you've been achieving. This is just the shedding of one skin to reveal the skin that was meant for you now. Congratulations and keep up the good work! 

Message from Russel - in retrograde?

Anonymous said...

I hope you'll still toss us a dating bone once in a while when the mood hits you. I like the blog in general, but I have to admit that I particularly enjoy the dating stories.

And I can't understand why your Irish friend would be offended by what you wrote in the blog. I would have thought he would be flattered. 

Message from Kevin Barney

Anonymous said...

Dating is a part of your life. I alway figured that was how the stories slipped into your blog. The blog hasn't been solely about dating for me anymore than your life is solely about it. I always saw the title as more of a metaphor of the "in the world, not of it" situation all believers find themselves in. That carries forth in all aspects of life, not just dating.

I have soooo much experience with running back to professors with my tail tucked between my legs, always due to depression. And, like you, I hate the feeling of offering excuses. Despite my experience, I don't have a magic trick to make you unrefusable (I'd listen to Ethesis), but I did have a trick that gave me courage. Remember the verse that says if God is with us, who can be against us? Even if they don't understand, you have the assurance that He does. I would visualize that God literally held my hand as I faced my professors. Although I said the words (and I'm fallible enough to say the wrong ones), He was there to take up for me and influence them as was best. So, win or lose it was okay, because He had charge over the whole situation.
 

Message from Kwirki Girl

Anonymous said...

[quote]And I can't understand why your Irish friend would be offended by what you wrote in the blog. I would have thought he would be flattered. [/quote]

I would have thought the same thing. Too bad he didn't have the courage he needed then, but maybe someday.

People often have too much pride and fear, in unequal measures. 

Message from Stephen M (Ethesis)

Anonymous said...

We'll see how long my big decision lasts. I give it two weeks. I can't see not ever putting date stories in here, I imagine I still will. I just had this odd revulsion when I was thinking of writing the follow up to the poetry post, or dinner with basement boy and decided I was done with this. We'll see.

I came up with a perfect solution to my dilemma with the professor. Don't talk to him. Take a new class. So all I have to do instead is register for my last class for this semester and be done with my coursework. The point of trying to talk to him was for him to let me make up the work this semester so that I wouldn't have to take a whole new class. But I prefer taking a new class. I just can't imagine this guy ever agreeing to helping me unless he made it really painful. Not that I've made that decision, I feel sooooo much better!  

Message from JL

Anonymous said...

Kwirki Girl,
That's a great method you have, a beautiful way to use your faith as a literal tool. I never would have thought of doing things that way. I'll try it sometime. 

Message from JL

Anonymous said...

Oh yeah, re:irish dude
I don't know what his problem was specifically. He just sent me a terse email with some links to the posts about him and said he was surprised and asked me what he should do about this and what would I do if i were him. So I wrote him back 3 times apologizing and told him I'd take the posts down but I never heard from him again. I'm guessing part of the problem is that someone else discovered them and I think the links got emailed around the YSA in Dublin.  

Message from JL

Anonymous said...

Oh well. At least give us a link to the published poem about you!

 

Message from Stephen M (Ethesis)

Anonymous said...

Sorry i don't have a link. It's in an academic journal so you'd have to be subscribed to it or the university databases to have access. 

Message from JL

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