Sell Out!

I accepted the corporate job as an Admin Assistant to the Sales team of a global HR consulting company. I turned it down twice, but they wouldn't accept my answer. The truth is that it was obviously the better and grown up choice, I just didn't want to do it. However, I am also going to be teaching one night class this semester.

Am I excited about the job? No. I had to bite the bullet. But these people want me to finish my degree and stay on with them so they can promote me up. And, they have offices in the UK and Dublin, so maybe I will eventually have the possibility of moving.

Teaching was not working, I was not getting my research done.

I know this was the right choice because after each time I turned the job down, I started crying. But after I accepted the job, I felt ok. That's the best I can hope for. It is enough.

Beyond Normal

I know I promised new dating stories this week, but, a crisis hit. My sad adjuncting/graduate student career and the suffering which has ensued as a result of it, may have reached an end. An end for which I am not prepared.

This summer, I had no classes to teach. That means I had no income. That is a very bad thing. In late April, I began looking for summer work, temp jobs or a more stable full time job. I did nothing but look for a job this whole summer. Very, very depressing. Rejection after rejection.

Now, a 6 inch high pile of bills sits on my coffee table. I can't even make myself open the envelopes. My cell phone got shut off this week. (Actually a good thing because all 7 of my credit cards called me constantly wanting their money.) As a teacher in the state of NY, I do not qualify for unemployment benefits. So I used my credit cards for food, rent and transportation. Then my credit ran out. My pops spotted me some cash for rent.

Meanwhile, one company began interviewing me in June. They made me take an IQ and spelling test and then sent this whole packet to my house that took me 8 hours to complete. 5 interviews later, they offered me the Admin Assistant job on Monday. It pays 40k and has great benefits.

So? I have 5 classes scheduled to start in two weeks. My take home pay should be equivalent, minus benefits. I do not want to sit in a windowless crowded cubicle for 40 hours a week. I do not want to be a secretary. I have started to enjoy teaching again. Though my schedule this fall will be absolutely brutal.

I don't know what to do. I had a blessing last week from the missionaries. I've prayed and prayed. The day after they made their offer, when I told the recruiter I needed two days, he called me saying they needed to know by 5 pm. So I said I wasn't going to be pressured into it and if that's how they are going to be then my answer is 'No'. He flipped out. Many phone calls and emails later --he ruined my whole day, they decided to give me more time because they really want me. I even had to go cry in the bathroom after I turned the job down.

I heard myself turning down the solution to almost all of my problems. A steady paycheck, structure, schedule, easy job, easy commute, health insurance... The company is ridiculously employee-friendly, they told me I could take a few more weeks before I start to give the schools time to find a replacement for me. That made me think it would be foolishness to turn them down.

The choice is more complicated than it appears. They seem to be equally bad and equally good choices.

What scares me about the corporate job: That I won't be able to get back into academia when I want to, that I am throwing away my ticket to a full-time professor job in Brooklyn, that the cubicle will drive me crazy, that I will feel like crap about myself for 'selling out', that this may put me back on the road to crazy-town... having just emerged from my 3 year stint there, this thought terrifies me. Also, I am not good at being a secretary. I will have to get back on Ritalin to control my severe ADD. Feeling incompetent is very very bad for my emotional stability.

What upsets me about turning down the job: This means I am choosing to continue to suffer, struggling every month to find an affordable shrink, pay 3-400 each month for my meds, the breaks between semesters when I have no pay, having no guarantee of any employment the following semester or the amount of employment, the total exhaustion from teaching 5 classes at two campuses, the running around, the fact that I do not seem capable of doing my own research while I am teaching (because I want nothing to do with it by the time I get home), which means I will never finish my doctorate or get out of this hole.

Why do I want to teach? Because I am basically my own boss, no cubicle, no office building, no 40 hour week, sometimes I have fun, it is satisfying, and it is important work that matters. I know I can survive this without going crazy, because I survived last semester, although, I have more classes in the fall and will teach everyday instead of 3 days a week. This devil I know. I love having colleagues that I respect and enjoy talking to. My confidence is coming back and I'm starting to feel like a good teacher again.

Not knowing how long my emotional stability will last this time, makes the decision incredibly difficult. The corporate job is a gamble, which could pay off tremendously. The teaching job sucks, but I know I can handle it --(Maybe).

So, not much eating or sleeping. I have to make a decision ASAP. My head hurts.

Note: 'You can't always get what you want . . . You get what you need.'

Amen, Brother Mick. I need a friend, not another man trying to get into my pants.

International Playboy and I did go to another movie, "Sunshine", which was amazing. (It felt like a '2001' on steroids, but with Danny Boyle's touch of genius.) We had an awesome time. I've decided he is a good guy and he does really want to be friends. I don't think he has a creepy agenda or is trying to play any weird games with me. Surprised?--I was. Likewise, I will have no creepy agenda for him. We're just two people who like the same stuff and hang out (and who happened to kiss each other a whole lot one night and would probably like to do it again.) This experience has ripped my ingrained cynicism a new one, which is a good thing. It needed it.

Now that it looks like we're starting a real friendship, I don't want to blog about him to the whole universe behind his back. So that's the end. This concludes our 'International Playboy' series of posts.

Fear not, my voyeuristic readers! I went out with 4 other men this summer, and most of them could not even share the same zip code as the word 'normal'. Those stories to come starting this week . . .

The 'International Playboy' Reconsidered

Just because I was angry, and I had a bad time, I assumed we couldn't be friends. How self-centered of me! Then a few days passed, I had some conversations, posted my blog therapy, and reconsidered things. Why did I think he was angry? Did he do anything angry? Nope. Nothing at all.

He spent the whole evening laughing. Even when I told him to do something obscene, and meant it as an insult, he doubled over howling. At one point during the movie, he slowly turned his head around to look at me, and I snapped, 'What are you looking at?' Again, he busted out laughing and said, "I guess nothing." He told me all about his weekend, all his stories made me laugh.

After the movie, we talked about trying to sneak into 'Sunshine'. Then he realized he couldn't because he wanted to catch a band at midnight. He said we'd go see 'Sunshine' the following week. I figured he didn't really mean it and I wouldn't hear from him again. Yet, I sent him an email the next day thanking him for joining me, just because it's the polite thing to do. He wrote back immediately, asking if I still wanted to see the movie next week. Yes, I told him to pick the day.

This really made me rethink the situation. One more date after a rejection is a pity date, I've had a few of those. Two more dates after a rejection is something completely different. But, these aren't dates. What are they? I have no idea. This is totally new. Clearly, he had a better time than I did at '16 Candles'. And, I only had a bad time because I was so upset. Did he seriously want to be friends? He's a straight man, that's weird, right? Unless he thinks we'll be friends for awhile, then I'll fall for him and give it up, which is quite possible.

International Playboy texted me Sunday asking if Tuesday was a good night for the movie. Absolutely. I decided to just have fun. Let go of the attitude. By the time Tuesday came around, I actually got excited about our whatever-it-was.