I have aged, really. I thought maybe I just felt colder on the inside but I've definitely changed. Not just over this weekend but since this whole episode with the boy. I almost finished the next post about him. After reading the last paragraph I realized that I am the one who pushed him away. Repeatedly. I can't believe I couldn't see that. This chills me to the bone. And I'm embarrassed reading the account of our relationship. Because it is so obvious to me now. Of course he left me for her. She chased him and lavished him with attention while I fortified my wall. Why couldn't I see that?
How did I get this way? Is this what I learned from a mother who told her crying child to stop feeling sorry for myself when I went to her for comfort--the last time I ever asked her for comfort. Or did I learn this from my father who locked himself in the study with his books and records or ran away to Brazil? Now, I've turned myself into him. Or did I learn this when I spent that long night alone curled up on the cold bed in the emergency room? They had to hold me until the psych ward opened in the morning. And no one in my family came to see me there. 72 hours they kept me after I almost died. Until recently, I didn't know how f**ed up it was that no one came for me. By that time I expected nothing from them; so it didn't occur to me that parents should go see their sick children in the hospital, even if they're hundreds of miles away.
I'm going to die this way. Of my own volition in the cell I've built with my own stubborn hands, grown too prideful now to let anyone in. Even when I want to. I never wanted to more than with him. But after the first time he hurt me I couldn't trust him anymore. That was it. Wall. And I really thought he was playing games with me but it was the other way around. He hurt me again because I didn't give him any other option. How the hell do I fix myself? I'm not getting better I isolate myself more each year. I grow harder, colder, stone.
My greatest trial in this life is me. I've been shackled with myself and I don't know how to get out.
10.28.2004
10.26.2004
Tainted Love: Enter Hoochie
Continued from this post. This narrative moves backwards but I hope it makes sense anyway.
Maybe I should have answered the phone that day. If he had told me about his new girlfriend in a more humane manner I would have. But calling me just after midnight on Valentine's Day seemed designed for cruelty. I'm sure he didn't intend it that way. More likely, he had just decided to go for it with her and wanted to tell me right away. He talked over everything with me, except for his love life. That's how I knew about that girl's machinations, because he had no romantic interest in her initially.
But, I couldn't take the ups and downs with him anymore. I abandoned him to her but did not think it was permanent. She wasn't a member of the church and he was serious about having a temple marriage and kids and the whole church thing. I figured he'd come back to me when he was done with her. I just couldn't watch it happen.
She was manipulative and cunning. She set her trap for him in the fall by suggesting he move into her big empty house instead of his trailer. He told me all about it and her. Despite my fervent warnings against the move, by December, she talked him into it but he brought his roommate with him.
We had been planning a New Year's trip for awhile. I'd left my car and some furniture in Georgia that I wanted to retrieve. He wanted to drive back up to New York with me. We'd spend a week together then he'd fly home. I couldn't wait. But he called me sometime before Christmas to ask if she could come too. She had invited him to her folks' place in Florida for Christmas but he couldn't take both trips. He chose to come to New York. Magically, her trip to Florida got cancelled, so could she come with us to New York? At first I said yes. I didn't know what else to say, I was so shocked when he called to ask me. I knew what she was doing. Trying to weasel her way into his life and his heart. She knew I was an obstacle for her. I couldn't even see straight I was so upset when I got off the phone with him, realizing what I had just agreed to. It would be a week-long hell of competition for his attention. She obviously wasn't adverse to playing dirty so she'd likely win.
No way could I let that happen. I called some friends and tried to put together a good excuse for changing my mind. I couldn't say, "I think your friend is a conniving hoochie trying to take you away from me." I called him later and told him that 3 people is just too many for a road trip in my car. We would all get on each other's nerves. So, I couldn't let his little friend come with us. He said he understood and that was fine. I told myself he probably wanted me to say 'no' because he couldn't. Surely he didn't really want her there?
On our trip, she called him several times a day. I could tell by the way he talked to her that he felt some affection. One time she called because the house was too cold. He said, "Well go put the heater in your room silly." I had to hold back the vomit. Boy, that was a necessary call. I know lots of people with masters degrees who can't figure out that a heater heats up a room. Every time she called he withdrew from me. She also called New Year's Day while we were in a movie theater. He picked up the phone and went to the lobby to talk to her. After fifteen minutes I went looking for him so we could leave. He saw me but wouldn't get off the phone. I went to the bathroom to try to save some face and cry. Predictably, he called me whilst I sat on the toilet, wanting to know where I had gone. And predictably, I answered whilst on said tiolet and told him where I was. I should have said, "Oh I see! I was supposed to stand in the lobby looking like an eegit waiting for you to finish talking to another woman on your phone. I'll remember that the next time you leave me alone in a movie to talk to another woman." That's how she managed to ruin the trip without actually being there.
New Year's Eve 2003 he broke my heart for the second time, when he said he wanted to stay in because he needed a nap. That's when I knew he had no intention of rekindling anything with me. Was he afraid I'd kiss him at midnight? Of course I would! Was he afraid he'd like it? Of course he would! So I left him in my apartment to meet some friends in the village, totally heartbroken. Up to that point I harbored hope that something could happen. That night I gave up;
I should mention that I wasn't exactly an innocent in this debacle. I'll only take abuse for so long. That night, when I went out without him, I made sure I met up with a guy who had seriously flirted with me. He kissed me first, after midnight. Just gave me a peck and I withdrew from surprise. But then I was the one who followed him outside, he went out to get some air and to retrieve his dignity. He didn't get either because we made-out on the streets for an hour or two or three. Whew! That boy can kiss! I felt a lot better when I got home about 5 a.m. with messy hair, hoping I had some hickeys. I didn't. But I got my secret revenge. I also sneaked a look at his phone to see who kept calling. These things made me ashamed of myself, no, only the phone thing did.
After New Year's he tried to avoid eye contact and physical contact; a man ploy I knew well, he wanted me physically but not rationally. We never got romantic but we still had a great time together. It was the most bittersweet experience of my life. The more fun we had running through icy rain on Ellis Island and getting lost trying to find our way to CBGBs, the more it hurt. We fit so well together, some people assumed we were married.
When he went home to Georgia, I had no idea what our relationship was supposed to be. Until then we had stayed flirty and talked about the future and there was an implicit understanding (I thought) that we wanted to be together. We only broke up because I moved 900 miles away. After the trip I knew the other girl was winning. If they hadn't dated yet, it was only a matter of time. She lived with him, he was a horny and frustrated 23 year old virgin man. She was not a virgin. She was probably a skank hoochie. How much effort does it take to get the interest of such a man in such close quarters? Not much, and I imagine she played every game she could pull out of her skanky butt. She even started taking the missionary discussions, because he had no intentions of dating a non-LDS girl. (I know I'm not being fair. But it certainly followed the pattern.)
So she stole his heart from me. The man who, had I placed an order with God for my ideal mate, would have been the delivery of that order with extras. He was the person I dreamt about meeting but didn't believe existed. He was more beautiful than I imagined, inside and out. So Christ-like in his love for people. We liked the same things and had the same sense of humor. We wanted the same kind of life and seemed to have the same ideas about what kind of family we wanted. So sweet and patient. And more fun than almost anyone I had ever known. Except he was sooo young. He still had to finish college and was confused about what he wanted from me and how he felt. I knew what I wanted, I usually do. He was the only man I'd ever felt for this way. I hadn't been in love since high school. I remember telling my sister how much I liked the way he nodded his head 'yes', he kind of threw his chin up a few times rather than move his head up and down. I liked his chin. I had memorized his profile, and the way his large blue eyes looked at me, and the feel and smell of his wonderful skin.
I really believed that given enough time, he'd come back. Their sudden marriage shocked everyone.
Continued HERE.
Come back for more TRUE stories of the strange, sad and pathetic exploits of me not having sex in the city.
Maybe I should have answered the phone that day. If he had told me about his new girlfriend in a more humane manner I would have. But calling me just after midnight on Valentine's Day seemed designed for cruelty. I'm sure he didn't intend it that way. More likely, he had just decided to go for it with her and wanted to tell me right away. He talked over everything with me, except for his love life. That's how I knew about that girl's machinations, because he had no romantic interest in her initially.
But, I couldn't take the ups and downs with him anymore. I abandoned him to her but did not think it was permanent. She wasn't a member of the church and he was serious about having a temple marriage and kids and the whole church thing. I figured he'd come back to me when he was done with her. I just couldn't watch it happen.
She was manipulative and cunning. She set her trap for him in the fall by suggesting he move into her big empty house instead of his trailer. He told me all about it and her. Despite my fervent warnings against the move, by December, she talked him into it but he brought his roommate with him.
We had been planning a New Year's trip for awhile. I'd left my car and some furniture in Georgia that I wanted to retrieve. He wanted to drive back up to New York with me. We'd spend a week together then he'd fly home. I couldn't wait. But he called me sometime before Christmas to ask if she could come too. She had invited him to her folks' place in Florida for Christmas but he couldn't take both trips. He chose to come to New York. Magically, her trip to Florida got cancelled, so could she come with us to New York? At first I said yes. I didn't know what else to say, I was so shocked when he called to ask me. I knew what she was doing. Trying to weasel her way into his life and his heart. She knew I was an obstacle for her. I couldn't even see straight I was so upset when I got off the phone with him, realizing what I had just agreed to. It would be a week-long hell of competition for his attention. She obviously wasn't adverse to playing dirty so she'd likely win.
No way could I let that happen. I called some friends and tried to put together a good excuse for changing my mind. I couldn't say, "I think your friend is a conniving hoochie trying to take you away from me." I called him later and told him that 3 people is just too many for a road trip in my car. We would all get on each other's nerves. So, I couldn't let his little friend come with us. He said he understood and that was fine. I told myself he probably wanted me to say 'no' because he couldn't. Surely he didn't really want her there?
On our trip, she called him several times a day. I could tell by the way he talked to her that he felt some affection. One time she called because the house was too cold. He said, "Well go put the heater in your room silly." I had to hold back the vomit. Boy, that was a necessary call. I know lots of people with masters degrees who can't figure out that a heater heats up a room. Every time she called he withdrew from me. She also called New Year's Day while we were in a movie theater. He picked up the phone and went to the lobby to talk to her. After fifteen minutes I went looking for him so we could leave. He saw me but wouldn't get off the phone. I went to the bathroom to try to save some face and cry. Predictably, he called me whilst I sat on the toilet, wanting to know where I had gone. And predictably, I answered whilst on said tiolet and told him where I was. I should have said, "Oh I see! I was supposed to stand in the lobby looking like an eegit waiting for you to finish talking to another woman on your phone. I'll remember that the next time you leave me alone in a movie to talk to another woman." That's how she managed to ruin the trip without actually being there.
New Year's Eve 2003 he broke my heart for the second time, when he said he wanted to stay in because he needed a nap. That's when I knew he had no intention of rekindling anything with me. Was he afraid I'd kiss him at midnight? Of course I would! Was he afraid he'd like it? Of course he would! So I left him in my apartment to meet some friends in the village, totally heartbroken. Up to that point I harbored hope that something could happen. That night I gave up;
I should mention that I wasn't exactly an innocent in this debacle. I'll only take abuse for so long. That night, when I went out without him, I made sure I met up with a guy who had seriously flirted with me. He kissed me first, after midnight. Just gave me a peck and I withdrew from surprise. But then I was the one who followed him outside, he went out to get some air and to retrieve his dignity. He didn't get either because we made-out on the streets for an hour or two or three. Whew! That boy can kiss! I felt a lot better when I got home about 5 a.m. with messy hair, hoping I had some hickeys. I didn't. But I got my secret revenge. I also sneaked a look at his phone to see who kept calling. These things made me ashamed of myself, no, only the phone thing did.
After New Year's he tried to avoid eye contact and physical contact; a man ploy I knew well, he wanted me physically but not rationally. We never got romantic but we still had a great time together. It was the most bittersweet experience of my life. The more fun we had running through icy rain on Ellis Island and getting lost trying to find our way to CBGBs, the more it hurt. We fit so well together, some people assumed we were married.
When he went home to Georgia, I had no idea what our relationship was supposed to be. Until then we had stayed flirty and talked about the future and there was an implicit understanding (I thought) that we wanted to be together. We only broke up because I moved 900 miles away. After the trip I knew the other girl was winning. If they hadn't dated yet, it was only a matter of time. She lived with him, he was a horny and frustrated 23 year old virgin man. She was not a virgin. She was probably a skank hoochie. How much effort does it take to get the interest of such a man in such close quarters? Not much, and I imagine she played every game she could pull out of her skanky butt. She even started taking the missionary discussions, because he had no intentions of dating a non-LDS girl. (I know I'm not being fair. But it certainly followed the pattern.)
So she stole his heart from me. The man who, had I placed an order with God for my ideal mate, would have been the delivery of that order with extras. He was the person I dreamt about meeting but didn't believe existed. He was more beautiful than I imagined, inside and out. So Christ-like in his love for people. We liked the same things and had the same sense of humor. We wanted the same kind of life and seemed to have the same ideas about what kind of family we wanted. So sweet and patient. And more fun than almost anyone I had ever known. Except he was sooo young. He still had to finish college and was confused about what he wanted from me and how he felt. I knew what I wanted, I usually do. He was the only man I'd ever felt for this way. I hadn't been in love since high school. I remember telling my sister how much I liked the way he nodded his head 'yes', he kind of threw his chin up a few times rather than move his head up and down. I liked his chin. I had memorized his profile, and the way his large blue eyes looked at me, and the feel and smell of his wonderful skin.
I really believed that given enough time, he'd come back. Their sudden marriage shocked everyone.
Continued HERE.
Come back for more TRUE stories of the strange, sad and pathetic exploits of me not having sex in the city.
10.25.2004
It's a Singles' BlogWard!
Announcing the brand new Singles' Blogward, an online singles' ward. OK, not really. It's a webring I started for single mo bloggers. Although I do have some ideas for things we can do with the blogward that go beyond just the usual blogring.
To read a description and/or join, click below:
JOIN HERE.
****UPDATE: We now have 8 fabulous members in our blogward. Yay!!! Keep 'em coming folks.***
umm...Davis? Are you signing up? We're waiting.....
*Thanks to Dave of Mormon Inquiry for his blog club which planted the seeds for this idea.
To read a description and/or join, click below:
JOIN HERE.
****UPDATE: We now have 8 fabulous members in our blogward. Yay!!! Keep 'em coming folks.***
umm...Davis? Are you signing up? We're waiting.....
*Thanks to Dave of Mormon Inquiry for his blog club which planted the seeds for this idea.
Tainted Love
Some things age us more quickly. I'm older today than I was Friday morning. The last thread of my innocence was snatched away. In it's place I feel stone. I didn't know that thread was even there, but the removal was sharp and painful. I went to Atlanta this weekend and saw something that broke my heart ten times over.
I've been afraid to write this story, not trusting myself with the memories. Really, the best thing was to put him out of my mind forever. I probably imagined half of everything I think happened between us anyway. He got married. The end. Nothing is so simple.
My sister had moved in with me the winter before we started dating. So when I moved to New York in August she stayed behind and kept my apartment. She met his sister that night they stayed over with the stranded kids from South Carolina. And it was my sister who told me because she ran into his sister who told her. I remember exactly where I was when she called to tell me, I was walking up Fifth Avenue on a beautiful April afternoon.
We hadn't talked in four weeks. Not since mid-March when he called to tell me he was going to San Fransisco for Spring Break. I only picked up the phone because I thought he might be calling to wish me happy birthday. (I turned 27 the day before.) We had a strange conversation. I knew he was taking her. He never even mentioned her name though. After the initial awkwardness we slipped back into our easy banter. I'm sure we laughed because he always made me laugh. I had never had so much fun with a man in my life. There were times when he made me roll on the floor until my sides ached and my eyes burned from laughing too hard at something he did. I made him laugh the same way too.
We talked for awhile that night. It had been a month since our last conversation on Valentine's Day. That was when he called to tell me he was moving back into his parents' house because he was going to date his housemate and didn't want to live with her. That was the third time he broke my heart. And I swore that was the last. He was just plain cruel to call me five minutes after midnight on February 15th--so technically he didn't call me on V Day. I had waited for his call all day and rented some Steven King movies and watched them while eating chocolate cake. I was so elated when my phone rang and I saw his name. Ugh. It took him half an hour to tell me his news and he was scared to say it.
That's why I didn't answer the phone when he called me the week after V Day, I decided to cut it off so I could get over him. He had called me every weekend since I left the south. We usually talked for an hour or longer. It was my favorite part of the week. He told me he wanted to apply to a summer program at one of the colleges here. And he was thinking about going to med school in the city. I wanted to wait for him. I wanted to marry him.
This is a long story and now I must go to bed. I thought I could just write about what happened on Friday but I can't. You're getting the whole thing. I can't convey the impact otherwise.
Continued here.
Come back for more TRUE stories of the strange, sad and pathetic exploits of me not having sex in the city.
I've been afraid to write this story, not trusting myself with the memories. Really, the best thing was to put him out of my mind forever. I probably imagined half of everything I think happened between us anyway. He got married. The end. Nothing is so simple.
My sister had moved in with me the winter before we started dating. So when I moved to New York in August she stayed behind and kept my apartment. She met his sister that night they stayed over with the stranded kids from South Carolina. And it was my sister who told me because she ran into his sister who told her. I remember exactly where I was when she called to tell me, I was walking up Fifth Avenue on a beautiful April afternoon.
We hadn't talked in four weeks. Not since mid-March when he called to tell me he was going to San Fransisco for Spring Break. I only picked up the phone because I thought he might be calling to wish me happy birthday. (I turned 27 the day before.) We had a strange conversation. I knew he was taking her. He never even mentioned her name though. After the initial awkwardness we slipped back into our easy banter. I'm sure we laughed because he always made me laugh. I had never had so much fun with a man in my life. There were times when he made me roll on the floor until my sides ached and my eyes burned from laughing too hard at something he did. I made him laugh the same way too.
We talked for awhile that night. It had been a month since our last conversation on Valentine's Day. That was when he called to tell me he was moving back into his parents' house because he was going to date his housemate and didn't want to live with her. That was the third time he broke my heart. And I swore that was the last. He was just plain cruel to call me five minutes after midnight on February 15th--so technically he didn't call me on V Day. I had waited for his call all day and rented some Steven King movies and watched them while eating chocolate cake. I was so elated when my phone rang and I saw his name. Ugh. It took him half an hour to tell me his news and he was scared to say it.
That's why I didn't answer the phone when he called me the week after V Day, I decided to cut it off so I could get over him. He had called me every weekend since I left the south. We usually talked for an hour or longer. It was my favorite part of the week. He told me he wanted to apply to a summer program at one of the colleges here. And he was thinking about going to med school in the city. I wanted to wait for him. I wanted to marry him.
This is a long story and now I must go to bed. I thought I could just write about what happened on Friday but I can't. You're getting the whole thing. I can't convey the impact otherwise.
Continued here.
Come back for more TRUE stories of the strange, sad and pathetic exploits of me not having sex in the city.
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