'He said, She said, ' in the 21st Century

Oddness. Growing up in the 80s and 90s, I've watched the world changed in ways we couldn't have dreamed of. For example, I remember when:
*Answering machines were new. We never got one because my mother thought they were tacky.
*Everyone else played Mario Bros on their Nintendo while we played Asteroids on our Atari
*Everyone started getting VCRs and movie rental stores proliferated
*Blockbuster killed the independent video store. My dad bought out their C-movie collections for 99 cents each. What a bargain.
*The advent of the dollar store. And the world is still reeling
*Call waiting retired the busy signal, remember how annoying it was?
*Only nerds had computers, like my dad
*Talking cars were going to be the wave of the future. The 84 New Yorker I drove in school was so cute when it talked, but it thought my door was a jar.
*Michael Jackson was good looking
*Velcro was high tech
*Using a typewriter for school assignments meant someone was an over-achiever
*Using a dot matrix printer for papers took forever and were the bane of procrastinators everywhere.
*At my first job in the courthouse, some of my co-workers smoked all day long INSIDE their offices.
*Going to college, I got my first ever email and voicemail account.
*Only yuppies and doctors had cellphones
*Online internet service revived the busy signal
*Men and women argued only about real life instead of virtual things.

Yes, this is another post about blogging. And dating. And blogging and dating.

The NY Times published a piece about dating blogs and how they were becoming a threat to people's privacy. Though most people interviewed thought that as long as bloggers used pseudonyms for other people then there is nothing wrong with writing about them. Besides, past boyfriends have no concern with my blog. But. What to do about current relationships?

I seem to be in some kind of relationship at the moment, what kind I don't know. We've dated about 3 months. In the past, most of my relationships burned out at 2 or 3 months, the rest didn't last past 6. I would get caught up in the excitement of a new person, new romance, the honeymoon phase. Then when the shine of the honeymoon faded, the real person emerged and we realized we didn't like each other. And that ended that.

My excuses for such adolescent behavior follows. Going to a women's college made dating purely extracurricular and men nothing more than meat.I never experienced the friend-to-boyfriend development. Which meant I only dated strangers. Randomly finding someone with whom one has compatibility is more than difficult. After college, I thought I should only date Mormons. So I tried. Nothing ever went very far. Dating is so serious an undertaking for LDS that one doesn't do it lightly, nor stay with someone unmarriagable. My most serious relationship got truncated by moving to New York.

So now I'm 28 and without experience of the adult romantic relationship. All I have done is date, date, date, date, until the thought makes me want to puke. But last fall I started spending time with a friendly acquaintance, I always found him interesting and attractive. At first, I didn't look at him as a potential whatever because I was in love with someone when I moved to the city. And he wasn't Mormon. Meanwhile we became friendly. But he is a shy one, we never went beyond mild flirting and conversation.

Then this shy guy inexplicably turned the heat up in pursuit! I didn't encourage him. Did I? The more I like someone the less flirty I behave. And yet, he called me anyway. So we went out. We have crazy strong chemistry. The third time we hung out, the tension was so thick it reminded me of a scene in Annie Hall. Woody and Annie have an inane, awkward and uncomfortable conversation because both of them are so nervous with sexual tension; subtitles tell the viewers what the two really think. She thinks everything she said makes her sound stupid and he wonders what she looks like naked. I'm finally old enough to get Woody Allen. Yikes.

Unlike Woody and Annie, we have taken things very slowly. Instead of burning out like a match, I found we have some ingredients for a relationship: mutual attraction, common interests, intellectual equality, complementary character traits, similar aesthetic preferences, similar humor, and we study the same discipline so we can help each other with work. Socratic dialogue has taken on the role of a sport for us. We have attracted spectators/listeners on the train and in the park. It begins with a challenge, the other responds and we duke it out verbally until a clear winner emerges or I get tired. Usually, the loser concedes to the winner.

This relationship stuff is hard! It takes work when I respect the other person and actually care what happens. Who knew? When chronically single people try to get together they have to un-isolate themselves. A strange and unnatural thing. It takes effort to remember the other and include him. Besdies this ordinary stuff, I have the blog. I blogged about him. I had assumed he knew that and read it, figuring he found it through google. But, I never wanted to talk about it, way too embarassing. My blog was the elephant in the room.

A few weeks ago I grew so disgusted with myself for using the blog to vent about him that I decided to slay the elephant. I sent a long email saying that I knew he read it. I made several excuses for things posted here. And I apologized for not letting him discuss the blog when he tried to bring it up in December. (Or so I thought.)

He called me. Said he didn't know what I was talking about, he never read my blog. So I didn't have to worry. He didn't know why I thought he was reading it. Why did I? I tried to brush off the question but he pressed it. I answered that I must have read things into his actions that weren't there and I may be losing my ability to reason. He said "You are losing it. I've never seen your blog. I knew you had one but I don't know what interesting things you write there. Maybe some day you'll share them with me and we'll roast marshmallows by the fire." Then he had to go. . . .

That was not the end of this. I think he may have lied and I told him so a few days ago.

And now, as the Times predicted, my weblog is an issue, it's become a thing. 20 years ago, who could have imagined that people in the 21st century argued about someone's website? I never dreamed about growing up to date men and having to deal with things like voicemail messages, texts, IMs, and a website!

Stay tuned for Part II.

State of the Celibate

Currently, I am working on a paper. So I blog. I have new stories for you but life has overwhelmed me. Many dear readers who followed the recent not fun exploits of the Celibate have worried about me. I can't believe how sweet y'all are. I wrote several posts without a follow-up because something new always happened. So this is a catch up post. (I'm sorry for the suckiness of the blog lately, much is changing but I'll get back to the good stuff shortly, including the dating scene.)

On Teaching
In January I posted here about my fears for the new semester. How is that going? Very Well! I teach night classes, and as I hoped, no one behaves like a teenager. I do have one student who took the class before and failed it. She likes to tell me how much she hates the subject because it's irrelevant. Surprisingly, when she said this last week, another student raised his hand and explained to her the benefits of studying this discipline. How cool is that?! They are in my first class that is a little more difficult because they tend to bore easily. But the second class is wonderful. We have a great reporte already, many say goodbye or thank me at the end of class. Teaching at night doesn't mean I can afford to slack off with the discipline. My students are native New Yorkers. Their respect has to be earned.

One night, my later class started packing up because we only had 5 minutes left. One got up to leave, then the rest began to follow. Oh no. I wasn't having it. I said, "Excuse me. No. Class is not over, get back in your seats. You don't leave until I say it's time to go." Two left but the rest sat back down. One said, "You have 3 minutes." I said, "That's right. You see, this is a power issue." Someone said, "Take the power back, professor." I continued, "It is my job as your teacher to control the class and maintain an environment conducive to learning. Having people leave whenever they want is NOT conducive to learning. You don't leave until I say so." Then I finished up and dismissed them. Beautiful! I was so proud of myself.

As most women do, I live with extreme dichotomies of personality. I do have a very tough and controlling side and I have it's opposite, the timid fearful woman. Because the strong woman disappeared last year, the timid one took over. And it created a disaster! Because of that, serious anxiety htis in the morning and lingers all day before teaching. Last year I was so depressed, it was all I could do to show up let alone control 40 students AND lecture. I let myself go some in appearance. I wore these old lady comfortable shoes and didn't bother much with makeup. I probably appeared quite timid.

Not this year. I am kicking arse and taking names. The bada** inside me has re-surfaced. The old lady shoes have got to go. I usually wear boots or Doc wingtips with stacked heels. I've also tried to punk things up a little, wearing dark lipstick and black gummy bracelets and keeping up with my nails. The way teachers dress really makes a difference in how students treat them, sad but true.

Things are already much better this year and I expect that to continue.

Making up last term
Some may recall this post in which I described the bind I had gotten myself into as a student. And how I was afraid to ask the rude professor to do an independent study to make up for his class in the fall. I came up with a solution the Friday after classes started. I still hadn't registered because of my fear. Having run out of time the week before, I went to school to get the registration paperwork, still not knowing what to do about it. While sitting in the office filling out the forms, I realized....I didn't have to make-up the work with that professor! I could just take a new class, start over. That would be much more pleasant and probably less work too. Yipee.

The deptartment chair got permission to grade my papers for the visiting professor I had last fall who couldn't grade them because he went back to Oxford. Hallelujah! That man is so kind and understanding. I was afraid to talk to him about registering because I hadn't talked to the mean professor yet, what a great slacker am I! When I did go in to see him, it turned out that he hadn't emailed the Oxford don yet either, even though he agreed to do that in December. His procrastination warmed my heart because it reminded me that these are my people, we come from the same warped planet. I started the paper for him this weekend. My friend and I got together on Saturday to help each other work. We had a lovely day.

The Uterus
What is the state of my uterus? I heard from a few concerned readers regarding my uterine problems. Some of you said you prayed for me and I think that worked to the extent that I went back to my old cycle of 17 days, an improvement from 10! My blood tests came back normal. But the nurse said I still need the sonogram because there is something wrong with me, healthy people don't bleed that much.

I decided against the sonogram for the following reasons: if there is something wrong then I can't afford to fix it anyway, if it gets diagnosed now and then I get insurance it will be pre-existing and not covered, we know I don't have any STDs, if I do have fibroids then they can't do anything about it other than prescribe birth control pills which may shrink them. So, what is the point of taking a picture of them? None. This did not convince the nurse. She said I could have an endometrial biopsy instead but could expect discomfort from that since I've never given birth and they have to go up the cervix. No thank you. She refused to give me the prescription until I have some tests. Sigh.

One kind person suggested I look into getting help from the state or checking Planned Parenthood for discounted ob/gyn services. I don't qualify for state aid. I haven't looked into the PP thing yet. A few readers have emailed me asking if they could help financially. Not wanting to turn such generous people away, I have added a donation button to the bottom of the blog. Thank you kind souls who donated! For now, my uterus has calmed down and my two week cycle is livable, I feel more stable. I'll take care of this some day.

Kitty, Kitty
The sick cat. She's likely dying. I took her to the vet because I hoped it might be something small we could treat for a nominal sum. Nope. She had to have blood tests because she has the symptoms of the old cat diseases: diabetes, renal failure, or hypothyroidism. The vet should call today with the results. So I wait to find out how my beloved kitty will die. I have responded to this with complete denial, feeling nothing.

Funny thing happened on the way to the vet. I don't have a cat carrier because she's car trained and sits quietly in my lap when we travel. For this trip, I wanted to splurge for a cab, so I had to go down the block to catch one. I walked with kitty half-way inside a canvas bag, her front half clinging to my shoulder. One man I passed said, "You need to get a real baby to play with." Then he repeated himself with contempt. No doubt he wanted to offer his services, either that or I truly disgusted him. Maybe both. No cabs stopped for the woman holding a cat. I can't blame them. After I stood on the corner for awhile, watching the cabs go by, a homeless woman offered to get me a cab. Then she asked if I had any change I could give her. When she hailed the black caddy I gave her 75 cents.
***
This catches everything up I believe. Thank you for your concern, it means a lot that so many people who never met me could feel such compassion for me. Happy fun stories should be forthcoming soon.
Love,
JL

Ask the Celibate

From the CitC eMailbag:

Hello,
I recently read your post "Here's An Idea: Ask the Celibate" and have decided that is the course of action I would like to take.

I work with this girl. We both work at UPS. She was hired in about 8 months ago and I've been there nearly 5 years. I'm 23 and she's 19. Ever since she was hired to work there, I have had an urge to get to know her better and that's what I did. We talked a lot, about everything and it was always fun being able to bounce whatever stupid idea may have come in my head off of her. She would relate her stories about guys that already had tried to ask her out at UPS and we would both laugh about it.

After a while I realized that I really started to like her, and would try to "accidently" bump into her at the end of the day so that we could walk out to our cars together. Eventually it become common practice for me to walk with her and I didn't need to find an accidental reason to bump into her at the end of the day. One day I even mustered up the courage to ask her out to a hockey game and dinner, which she sounded only too enthusiastic to accept.

So we went out and had a fantastic time. I bought her flowers and had them delivered the next day to her house. She called me later that day to thank me and said that she was very impressed as was her whole family. So it went great. In fact, it was probably one of the better dates I've ever had.

For the next 5 days I racked my brain about whether or not next Friday was too early to ask her out again. I talked to everybody about it. Finally I decided, you know what, screw thinking about it, I'm just going to go with my gut and ask her out for Friday. So I did, and she said yes again. This time it was dinner and a movie. On the way to the movie I told her about how nuts I'd driven myself. When we left the car and headed into the theater she responded by making eye contact and thanking me for asking her out. Then she pulled my hand out of my pocket and held it the rest of the night.

Another great date. Another one of the best dates I've been on. Ok, so fast forward to this past weekend. Since the second date, we had two more. The third date we had a brief time in which she seemed so distant and sad. Saying things like, "I don't know why you'd want to date someone like me," but towards the end of the night we were laughing and smiling and holding hands again. Then the following Monday after that date she called me up and asked me out for the following Friday. Then, Friday morning after we got out of work we went to breakfast and she told me that she thought that this wasn't working. However, I wasn't ready to give up yet and talked her into continuing with our plans later that night. I thought that if I could just give her a really great evening that she would forget about the things she said and change her mind.

The date went great. Great conversation, great dinner, never was there a moment in which I thought we were heading towards a break-up. Until we were driving to the movie theater. She looked over at me and asked if I'd thought about what she said that morning. I said I had but I wasn't going to bring it up. She said that she had too and wanted to. She said that she was ready to throw in the towel. As we drove in silence toward the theater she finally broke out and asked if I wanted to talk about this. I did, so we parked.

I asked her what happened, what I did to change her attitude towards our dating. She said nothing, you did everything perfect. Later she said that she just didn't feel a spark. She said we'd be better off as friends. At this point I knew there was nothing I could say to change her mind. The sinking feeling that I keep getting is, what's wrong with me?? What is it with me that I could do everything perfect and yet there is no spark. Is what she told me just an excuse? Did she find someone else that suited her better? Does she have too many emotional problems and this was just the easiest one to fix?

I need a different kind of perspective. Vocalizing what I'm feeling works to an extent, but not quite what I need. If you could just tell me what you think about this, that would be great. I just don't understand what happened. Why didn't she know there was no spark after the first date instead of after the fourth? I'm just really confused by this whole thing.

Thanks, Confused

Dear Confused,

It sounds to me like a situation where the girl likes your personality, likes your friendship and company...but she's not attracted to you. [I am only guessing here.] Women don't like to say 'No', especially to nice guys. Women are very different from men in that we don't rule them in or out right away based on their attractiveness, sometimes we do, but not generally. Most guys fall into a 'regular guy cute' category, which means you don't take her breath away but if the dude plays his cards right she could be interested. Within that category are degrees: like 'he's cute', 'he's ok', 'maybe'. The phenomenon of being attracted to a guy when you were not initially is confusing. Because of her age, she has not likely had a lot of experience with this.

I'd guess she said 'yes' the first time because she wasn't sure you meant it to be a date-date and/or she wanted to give you a chance because she likes you. After you sent her the flowers there was no mistaking your intentions. The flowers may have caused her to feel obligated to go out with you again. The comment she made about her family being impressed with the flowers suggests they could have influenced her decision.

By the time she was holding your hand, she probably decided to give romance with you a chance, expecting the attraction would come. That's why she would agree to the next date. I have done that myself. I had a boyfriend for 5 months for whom I felt no physical attraction. But because he was the first man who treated me well, I thought I should try. I learned my lesson, I grew to despise him and he repulsed me.

Anyway. When she told you she didn't think it was going to work out she probably realized the attraction wasn't there and it was cruel to lead you on. That likely made her sad because she wanted to be attracted to you. She sounds like a nice girl. Chin up, confused! It's not you. Well, nothing personal anyway. You should be flattered that she liked you so much that she wanted to try going out with you despite not feeling sparks. People can't force it, as much as many of us have tried.

All hope is not lost, however. The way to win a woman's heart is with time. Be her friend. Be a good friend. Love her and show her kindness and talk to her and be there for her and given enough time, she will grow to love you as a friend too. Then, MAYBE, her love of your insides will spread to her love and desire of your outsides. Good luck and don't despair my friend. (Although, you might want to re-think sending flowers after one date. That's pretty intense and could scare some women away. I'd suggest bringing one flower to the second date instead.)

--OR--
Her comment about not believing you would 'like someone like her' does suggest emotional problems in the self-esteem area. If she is severely damaged then she could feel that you are too nice or too good for her. And if that is the case, there is nothing you can do about dating her. But you can still be a good friend by helping her feel better about herself and maybe help her get into some therapy.

Love, the Celibate
[Take this advice with a shaker of salt.]

Do you have a love conundrum? Ask the Celibate!

Anemone

Like a sea anemone pulled into itself, I curl up. My mind doesn't want to write, to give. It wants silence where the introspection lives. Ideas for things to say here pass through the windows of consciousness then I let them drift away again. I think for the time being I must live on autopilot in order to get these things done.

It snows again this evening. Probably the reason I'm typing. This time there is enough snow to make the street beautiful. At least for the night. Everything is frosted white, the cars make wet sounds with their tires, sounds that remind me of living in more southerly and rainy climes. The swirl patterns hypnotize. I turned the lights off in my room so I could open the curtains to shamelessly peer out the windows onto the street. One candle burns. My old cat is stretched across the computer desk slowly swishing her tail down onto my hands on the keyboard, she wheezes but is restful. I hope this week to see the vet. Poor thing. She rests her chin on her paws and looks out the window watching the snow too.

Everything glows orange reflecting the street lights, it looks like the world was filmed with an amber lens. Something haunting and appropriate plays on the classical radio station. The station in NY is good, they don't talk much and they don't chop musical works into 3 minute unsatisfactory and teasing bites, unlike most in my experience. I don't know what piece this is: single vocal, monophonic, sounds like it was written in one of the church modes, maybe a baroque piece written to imitate medieval chant?, accompanied by a string quartet.... she just announced it, all I caught is that it was a Motet by Baldassari.

I have been planning to write a post 'the ghettoland diaries' but then they found the dismembered legs and arm in a plastic bag. Someone put them on the subway tracks near my station. The thought that only a few nights ago some murderer carried the limbs of a nineteen year old boy down my street and down those stairs to dump them on the dark tracks is quite scary. It squelches all my desire to dwell on these surroundings.

Tomorrow I go to Central Park to walk the trails and see 'The Gates' by Christo and Jean-Claude. I had hoped it might snow so I could see them then--lucky me-- I think it will be more impressive in a white park. When I was growing up in Miami, my dentist had a large framed photo of an island that Christo wrapped in pink. I remember being fascinated by the picture. I couldn't believe that anyone would do such a thing and I tried to imagine what it looked like in real life. Here is a link to some photos of 'Wrapped Islands' and the story of that work. Thanks to Lynn for the link.

Like sands in the hourglass... another week of life went by.
(P.S. here's a link with a little peak at and some more links of The Gates. Or, visit the artists' own website. (Thanks Lynn)