After all these years. I can hardly believe it.
Exactly what I said would happen, has. Only, I expected it to take longer, and for his sake, I wanted to be wrong. My old boyfriend George, the best man I ever dated and the one I wanted to marry, the one who hurt me the most, the one I believed was for me . . . and now this.
Interesting timing. Last week I decided I was done with Farmer Ted for the 13th time. But this time I called him a pig with a text message to seal the deal (childish, I know). It didn't work. He apologized, I crumbled. . . Then I came to my senses again. I do want to be done with him. I want to leave him alone to wallow in the bed he made with his girlfriend. Obviously, I'm still weak for the men who treat me like dog doo, despite all my better judgement, therapy, education and enlightenment. Beyond scary.
That's what made George so different. He didn't trea t me like garbage, he was kind, and I still loved him. I loved him with my brain and my heart. That scared me so profoundly I couldn't breathe a word of it to him, I couldn't let him know. I couldn't give any person that much power over me. But I let him break my heart thrice, in secret.
In the 'Tainted Love' posts about George, I described what happened after we dated, the second heartbreak. And last year, when I sought closure, I described the third heartbreak, my pain over his unhappiness. The short version: We got together, I quickly fell in love, we broke up, I moved to NY, we stayed best friends and he planned to move up to NY when he finished school, but then he ran off and eloped with his roommate after they dated for one month. It sounded to me like he probably slept with her and then married her to assuage his guilt. I guessed the girl had manipulated the whole thing, he had been a virgin and was very naive about women. But, what do I know?
The woman was not religious. After they eloped, she got baptized. Baptisms for love tend not to stick. He told me last year he wasn't going to church. That hurt me for him too, I knew how much he had wanted the whole Mormon family deal.
All of this happened in 2002-2003. I promised in my posts to write our dating stories, they're good ones, yet I could never do it. Maybe I should try now.
My sister called me last night with some news. "Guess who is single again?" "Your loser ex-boyfriend Brent?" "No." "I don't know, who?" "GEORGE!" "Really. Hmm. And how do you know this?" Through his MySpace page. Really. My sister was MySpacing and she clicked on my empty page--that I made last year so I could email him. There she saw my friends: herself, MySpace Tom, George and George's band. She looked at George's page. Status: Single. All the pictures of his wife: gone. He's had a haircut and looks much better now.
I remained non-plussed. We didn't know the story or situation, and he is still in Georgia. I logged in to see if he had tried to contact me. He had. He sent a message in August, said we had some catching up to do and asked me to email him. So, I did. Then I went to bed and did not sleep. I don't know how to deal with this information.
12 comments:
interesting development. =)
You and I are living EXACTINGLY similar lives.
Retrograde? Le sigh.
Be careful.
Yes, be careful.
Oh, don't worry about me dear readers! I am terrified of this man. If I am in danger of anything, it is of being too careful, and not being open to a new possibility. At this point, it is too soon to even talk about that kind of thing. I will only proceed with much caution here.
I'm just reacting to what I have read. You have been very brave to share some of your history. Obviously, if this happened recently, this person is getting a divorce or is in separation. Not sure if he even has kids, but knowing Mormons, he just might. Children are a blessing, but step-mothers aren't. I know you maybe excited about this prospect, but consider myself.
Much like George, I had a marriage that flopped, lost my activity (although my testimony was already shaken prior), and became a wreck of a human being. I refused to have children with my Ex till we could be happy. Never happened! After 3 couple therapists, I finally gave up. I beat the crap out of myself for a few years over guilt of being a failure to my and her family. Being on the rebound is rough. Heck, at one point I actually contemplated moving back into the destructive and unloving marriage. Finally, I told myself, I wouldn't settle. 4 years later, still have not settled, am 40 now (jeez), childless (yikes), divorced (ugh!), being more active, and quite happily celibate. You think you have it tough at the local ward. They are ready to put me with the lepers:)
Take care...I know you are excited over the prospects of a long lost love, but just consider what George is a part of right now.
JL--
Well, I'll start right here. Although I'm a guy on the other end of the country (California, to be precise), I think I definitely relate to your situation. There's a lot more on my New Blog, but I've felt many of these same frustrations.
I'm also in my late 20's, have been in a singles ward since my baptism, and am in the dreaded "Non-RM" category *gasp*. Ah well, such is life for a single male who converted in their mid-twenties. I too am now in the happily celibate group--and it's certainly not easy being happily single when you're in a single's ward and get the weekly/daily encouragement to date and get married.
If it's alright, I'm adding your blog to my blogroll, and you have a new reader :).
I'm curious to see what develops.
Joe...you got company. Am also a non RM. However, I was born and raised into the church. This is a grievous sin to many. The constant question...where did you go on your mission? My reasons are personal, and in my opinion quite acceptable to me. I still have the opportunity, and will take when I am ready. Also, I will marry when I am ready. I will not be pressured or judged by anyone in the church. I seek my spirituality in church. Its really hard with the culture, and having to be a strict conformist. It was like my life was laid out for me when I was born.
1. Be born.
2. Be baptized.
3. Go to BYU.
4. Go on a mission. Tougher the better.
5. Be a righteous RM.
6. Marry a young sister in the temple after 4 dates.
7. Make a mess of babies. At the very least 4.
8. Pursue callings, pay tithe, and work towards the bishopric.
9. Raise family in the church.
10. Have sons repeat my example.
Now, there is nothing really wrong with this, but dear God, don't fall out of the loop. I think sometimes the culture can drive people from the church. They forget why they are there in the first place. To endeavor to follow Christ's example. To explore scripture and its teachings. To teach to others. To become as righteous as you can.
I think JL spells out things quite nicely about the struggles of some of our single sisters in our church. Some members of the church describe 21 year old single women as old maids. That's ridiculous, unacceptable and woefully judgmental. I can't stand the judging of others. Its a real struggle at times.
Stay true brother, and be yourself!
Chris--
Oh, I feel the pain, believe me. I know the church is true, and I have no interest in falling away. As a non-RM, I know better than to judge others, regardless of whether they were raised in the Church.
We're all just imperfect children of our Heavenly Father, struggling together to try and grow beyond those imperfections. As I've said repeatedly, I salute the girls who are true to their values. There's nothing wrong with that. I just have issues with the way the teaching is done. It's abundantly evident to me that we have a long road ahead in getting past the legalism that is rampant in every church, including ours.
But anyhoo, who better to start with in spreading the message than ourselves? That's what I say, at least :)
Welcome to the Bloggernacle Joe!
Good point, Chris.
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