I'm not dead yet! Despite the silence to the contrary.
I needed to retreat into myself. Writing forces too much self-confrontation, this blog was a mirror from which I needed a rest. I actually started doing much better after that last post. My new medication was raised to a level that finally seemed to work. The never-ending obsessions in my mind quieted and then disappeared. So I came back to NY and back to teaching. Which frightened me.
Anyway, I've been back in my little apartment in Jersey since late January. I didn't have internet at my house until 2 weeks ago. I didn't think blogging anonymously about my love life was a good idea at work. And I still felt like my footing on the ground was tenuous, liable to slip back into madness at any moment. So I kept things in my life as simple as possible.
Turns out, I have some sort of unholy combination of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder-Depression-and ADD!! What fun for me! This explains why the depression would never go away, why I tried to kill myself ten years ago to get my head to shut up, and why I felt so unstable and crazy after I went off my meds last year. Good to know.
I have new dating stories and new observations, if any one out there is still interested. I'll try to start blogging regularly again. But I can't make any promises.
Remember the movie "Never-ending Story"? The scene at the end when the hero has to face the mirror that shows you as you truly are, this was supposed to be the most difficult challenge of them all, and it never made sense to me as a child. I watched that movie over and over, and always puzzled about that stupid mirror. Big deal, you see yourself as you really are... how hard can that be?
Now I know. It is devastating. Once you get enough years under your belt, have lived long enough to have regrets and memories you thought you'd forgotten, then being forced to remember and see all your flaws is one of the most painful things I have ever experienced. This was what I was obsessed with, every mistake I ever made. It still comes back now, but only when life makes me unbalanced or stressed. And the noise isn't as loud as it used to be.
It killed my heart and my soul. So I am rebuilding. Rising from that death. Hopefully.
