Can someone please tell me that at some point life gets easier? Or at least that eventually, there are pay-offs and rewards which make the increasing difficulty more bearable? I am feeling so overwhelmed today. I'm in tears. I want to go back to bed and hide under the covers for the rest of my life. I wish I had someone to comfort me for a few hours. But I don't. This post is a whiner, so if you don't want to read it, best move on now. I don't know what else to do but type.
I'm so scared for my sister who gets married next week. I want to be happy for her, but... I wish I could see what she sees in him. She is in love with the man. Has that ever been enough? She is so stressed out she has lost weight and is dangerously thin. She has had to do everything for this wedding by herself, even getting her fiancee's suit for him. And last week he told her he wanted a Superman wedding ring. She didn't think that was funny. I'll be praying for her and for them. That's all I can do.
Grades were due this afternoon but I blew them off. They only give us 48 hours from the time of the final exam to when the grades are due. That's crappy and ridiculous. In two weeks I get my last paycheck from teaching. So now I need to find a job for the summer, which scares me. Every semester my whole life changes. It's wearying. I don't know why I keep doing this.
They should turn my phone back on shortly, I just paid for the bill. But I haven't dealt with my arrest warrant yet. I need to find a new doctor because soon I'll be completely out of the meds I've been rationing since January. The last doctor I tried to get an appointment with told me it cost $650 for the initial consultation, and $275 for each appointment after so I passed. The doctor I talked to before that was all booked up. The one who referred me to him said she didn't think she could help me, I needed something more intense. Like no doctor at all? Maybe I'll call her back.
I keep waiting for the time when things will get a little easier, and waiting and waiting. I think the secret to life is that as soon as you conquer one thing, you get thrown 10 new things to deal with. It's like the increasing difficulty in video games. As soon as one level gets mastered you move on to the next one which is much harder. But in a game, you have the satisfaction of seeing your progress. Feeling the thrill of moving forward, knowing you got better and mastered something. Life is not so well-defined. It feels more like a drowning, and the water just gets deeper and the light farther away.
We slog on and on. Because we have to keep living. And on and on and on. Watching my sister struggle to put this wedding together, and it has been treacherous, merely confirms my suspicions. That the grass on the other side may look greener, but that's only because it has more weeds, is thicker and takes so much more work to maintain. But when you can't enjoy the greenness, because you don't enjoy anything anymore, then what is the point of trying to get there? How do you keep your motivation going? What keeps you from quitting life's struggle? I really need to know.
