Ever since my plans fell through in the spring and things changed unexpectedly, I have been unable to envision my future. Before, I always hoped and planned. Now I can't. It feels like a blindness. I feel lost and directionless. I don't even know what to hope for anymore. One thing I do know is that the Lord needs me to learn something from this. Until I figure out what that is, I'm not getting out of this dark place. What that lesson is, I couldn't fathom.
But the Lord's hand is with me. He didn't cause my problems or my failures, I did that all by myself. However, He has stayed my rescue until. Something. He is withholding my vision. This, I have felt. Before July, I believed something good would come, some kind of wonderful change. I held onto that. But I ran out of strength last month. When my mood crashed, I gave up and decided I couldn't fight against myself anymore. With the darkness of my vision and the sorrows of my past, I couldn't see any reason to bother fighting. I prayed for death. I know that''s an evil thing to do. But I woke up in the mornings horrified with myself and my life, choking on shame for my mistakes. Despising the air I breathed. I couldn't imagine or believe that anything could change. Even if change was coming, I didn't feel like I could survive the wait. You may be holding your breath for the big reveal. Something must have changed to make me write in the past tense. There must be something wonderful. No. There is not. None of my problems are resolved. There is nothing new. But the Lord has been merciful enough to remove my psychotic horror and misery for the time-being. (I am writing this to publicly thank him.) This has allowed my mind to open enough for room to listen. I've spent this entire day in prayer and reading. I got something. He wants me to learn trust. I have yet to master that skill. I've only trusted myself to do what I needed. I took care of myself. Now, I've lost all my confidence and self-trust. Thus, utter hopelessness. I missed that trust lesson in my infancy because of the trauma in our home. That was a long time ago. But I think it's made me somewhat of a dysfunctional adult.
Here's an example of how severe my trust issues have been (this was over 10 years ago so I hope I've gotten better.) I was committed in a mental ward. One day they took all the patients to an obstacle course. There was a high platform from which they played the trust game. People climbed up, and stood at the edge backwards with their eyes closed. Then they fell into the waiting arms below. Everyone was caught, no one was hurt. But not only could I not take a fall, I had to stop catching people because my stomach churned every time someone fell. Then I had to stop watching because it made me so sick with anxiety. I had so little trust in these 12 people, whom I knew, that I didn't believe they would catch someone else who was falling.
I suppose I don't even trust the Lord enough. Or else I wouldn't have lost my hope. That's what I have to do now. Trust God to see me through to a better place. Relinquish the controls. Hand over my cross to Him.
I also need a lot of help from other people, I'm still barely functional. I won't get out of this alone. So I guess I'll have to learn to ask for help, believe in other people enough that I can make the words come out of my mouth. Being able to trust people is important, too. Unless I want to spend the second half of my life alone, I better step up.