I was able to get my internet turned back on for now. I've been too depressed to write. My medication doesn't work anymore and my mood cycles every few weeks. When compounded with real actual depressing life circumstances in addition to my messed up brain chemistry.... not a good thing.
I'm sinking deeper and can't see my way out. I can't even see a reason to fight it anymore. Nothing I try to do to fix my life works. Every time I start to make things better, I crash and ruin everything. I'm now at the point in my life where I don't think there is a way to make it better. I have no career, no job, no prospects. I can't pay my bills so I'm living in my own apartment on borrowed time. I'll be moving back in with my parents before long. The ultimate humiliation and failure. I'm trying to put it off for as long as possible.
Where do you get the motivation to go on when, without fail, it ALWAYS goes wrong? No matter how good things are, my mood crashes. Then I piss all over the good things and make them go away. A few years ago I had everything I wanted and I was on my way to do so much. But I went crazy and it all fell apart. There's nothing left now. I'm all out of ideas.
I have so much to give and to contribute to life. I want to give, I want to do. But I'm stuck in my dark apartment waiting to die. I just want to go to sleep forever.