a bipolar lament

I was able to get my internet turned back on for now. I've been too depressed to write. My medication doesn't work anymore and my mood cycles every few weeks. When compounded with real actual depressing life circumstances in addition to my messed up brain chemistry.... not a good thing. 

I'm sinking deeper and can't see my way out.  I can't even see a reason to fight it anymore. Nothing I try to do to fix my life works. Every time I start to make things better, I crash and ruin everything. I'm now at the point in my life where I don't think there is a way to make it better. I have no career, no job, no prospects. I can't pay my bills so I'm living in my own apartment on borrowed time. I'll be moving back in with my parents  before long. The ultimate humiliation and failure. I'm trying to put it off for as long as possible.

Where do you get the motivation to go on when, without fail, it ALWAYS goes wrong?  No matter how good things are, my mood crashes. Then I piss all over the good things and make them go away. A few years ago I had everything I wanted and I was on my way to do so much. But I went crazy and it all fell apart. There's nothing left now. I'm all out of ideas.

I have so much to give and to contribute to life. I want to give, I want to do.  But I'm stuck in my dark apartment waiting to die. I just want to go to sleep forever. 


Paul Dalton said...

So sorry to hear you are suffering. Have you tried ECT's?

Michaela Stephens said...

As someone who also struggles with mood, I sympathize in a small measure. It sounds to me like you need a greater measure of spiritual power and heavenly help in your life and there are some things you can do to get that. There are also a few other things. You need a multi-pronged approach.

1. Call the local temple and have your name put on their temple prayer roll. Heck, call a bunch of temples and have your name put on their temple prayer rolls too. (I've kept mine on a temple prayer roll pretty constantly for about about four years.) You need those prayers of all those good people in your behalf.

2. Fast about your problems. Fasting is a principle of power and help.

3. Pray whenever you find yourself depressed, angry, bitter, hopeless, etc. If that means you are praying from moment to moment, do it anyway. (I've found myself doing this on occasion, and I've felt it helps.)

4. Monitor the media influences in your life--songs, movies, internet, text, etc.--and only allow ones that are uplifting and inspiring. You have enough to deal with without negativity from that stuff too.

5.Go to the temple if you can.

6. If your medication doesn't work any more, consult your doctor and have them put you on something different. Chemical balance is important.

7. Get a priesthood blessing.

8. Make sure you are drinking enough water and are eating enough vegetables and fruits.

9. Try eliminating foods that have artificial colors, flavors, and preservatives from your diet. (I've found that my mood swings get more extreme if I don't avoid those things.)

10. Think of something kind of difficult (but not impossible) to do and do it. That can give you a self esteem boost.

This is a dark time in your life, but it doesn't have to stay that way. The blessings of overcoming it will be just as great as the pain. Heavenly Father knows exactly what is happening in your life. He loves you and looks upon you with great compassion.

Please don't think that I'm just reciting Sunday school answers at you to "fix" things. They are for accessing greater spiritual power to endure well.

JL said...

Paul, I've had doctors recommend that in the past. I was planning to have an academic career so it wasn't worth the risk. Now I have no career but I'm going to lose my health insurance any day now so I couldn't afford it anyway.

Michaela, Thank you for the suggestions. You're right those are all good things. I've pretty much got them all covered. Except I can't afford to buy produce, I'm not endowed, and I was writing a book but I'm too depressed now to do anything remotely difficult or requiring initiative. I have to pray just to get out of bed in the morning.

Paul Dalton said...

I have seen many patients with refractory depression helped by ECT. Often the improvement is dramatic. You mentioned you were concerned about side effects and the cost of treatment. Is it possible you might qualify for disability or medicaid? No treatment is devoid of side effects, but there are side effects to doing nothing as well. You sound depressed and passively suicidal. Do you have a support person or someone who can help you? Mental illness is very debilitating, and I know how hard it can be just to get out of bed, let alone arrange for mental health services. I have enjoyed reading your blog, and I hope you can get the help you need. I am sorry you are not feeling well.