Dating Advice for Mormon Men

Updated with a new #8! 

A frequent commenter on this blog recently suggested I write a book of dating advice for LDS singles.  I don't feel qualified to write that book for women, I feel like I haven't figured it out for myself yet.  But, I definitely know what the Mormon men out there are doing wrong.  This got me thinking. First, I'm not trying to beat up on Mormon men, they've got it hard enough. But there are patterns I've noticed that are hurting the men's chances with the ladies.

So I'd like to share some advice right now.  Below is a list of tips for avoiding the most obnoxious LDS male dating behavior that makes women like me run screaming back into non-LDS land. (This is not exclusive to Mormon men, but for some reason, the prevalence is much higher.)*

*All Mormon men do not need this advice, some of them are very good daters.

1. Women don't like cheap.  

I don't know what goes on in Utah, but in the rest of the world, frugality is NOT cool or impressive on a date. VERY unattractive.  Women are impressed by your financial power and success, this is an evolutionary fact. Nature has dictated that we be attracted by men who can take care of our physical needs.  As disgusting as that is, and it pains me to say it, but it is absolutely true. Before you men get judgmental about it, it's the equivalent to the way Nature made you attracted to beauty (or fertile women with good DNA).  Even if you're not financially successful, you should treat her as though you did have the cash. (Cut back on your video game habit if you have to.)  If you like the woman, take her to a nice restaurant and treat her like a queen. The sexiest line I've ever heard from a man was, "You don't ever have to worry about how much anything costs." All of my girlfriends swooned when I told them about it.

2.  Do not make a big show out of paying the check. 

Don't show off how much tip you are leaving (but don't be chintzy on the tip either, we notice), do not tell your date how much dinner cost or your tickets or whatever.  And for the love of all things holy, do not complain about how much it cost.  That says to us that you don't think our company is worth that amount of money.  She will never want to go out with you again. 

3. Dress up.  

My biggest pet peeve, and it's worse with LDS guys, is a man showing up for a first date, or any date in jeans, a t-shirt and tennis shoes.  (Unless it's appropriate to the event you are attending, but even then, you should try to dress up as much as possible.) Because the woman probably spent AT LEAST an hour getting dressed up for him and he shows up in clothes he'd wear to hang out with the guys. It pisses me off.  It is disrespectful.  It tells me that you do not like me enough to bother getting dressed.  It's a compliment for you to dress up for your date. And it scores you instant points right at the beginning.

4. Ask the woman out on a date and be a man about it.    

Ask her out to her face. Do not text, do not email, do not IM. The phone is acceptable, the other forms of media are weenie and make you look like a weenie. So if she does accept, you already have a strike against you. You should make all the plans for the first date.  Have everything taken care of ahead of time. Just make sure you talk to her first. You don't want to take a vegetarian to a steakhouse. 

5. Ask the woman on a real date and be a man about it.

This is not a typo, it bears repeating. Do not ask a woman on a stealth date. You all know you have done this. In order to avoid getting rejected, you ask the women to an ambiguous activity in an ambiguous way so that she could construe it as friendly instead of a date. It is annoying not to know if the man I'm about to go out with is interested in dating me or not. And it is annoying for me not to know whether I'm dressing up for a date or whether I can expect to pay for myself or not.  ANNOYING.  It makes you look like a weenie and gives you negative points.  Be direct. Let the woman know you are taking her out because you like her.  We like that.

6. Do not be coy, do not make us chase you.  

We don't want to chase you.  Because the man who tells us directly that he likes us and wants to date us and asks us out on real dates is right around the corner.  That man will get the girl, not you. We aren't programmed to be aggressive, and it hurts our self-esteem. Many of us have non-Mormon men assertively chasing us.  That makes the shy Mormon boys look bad, and again, weenie. So you're already losing before you even got to the plate. You're a grown man, get over it and grow a pair.   

7. Show some manners.  

Good manners go an awful long way with the ladies.  It tells us that you respect us and that you like us enough to treat us well. It's also a preview of how you might treat your wife.  Please and thank you, hold the door, show her consideration, offer your coat if she's cold, etc. Everything your mother taught you. For example, if you're meeting your date at the theater and she happened to have bought the last ticket unknowingly (though she shouldn't be buying it in the first place) DO NOT LEAVE HER AT THE THEATER by herself.  Buy 2 tickets to another movie, or sneak in with her anyway. Or, DO NOT PEE IN THE PARKING LOT IN FRONT OF HER. Especially after she asked you not to do it.

How could I forget this last one? It's the absolute WORST behavior!

8. Do not audition us for dates! Commit to one night with a woman already!!

Really.  If you find a woman intriguing or at all interesting, ask her on a date (see #4, #5).  That's what other men do.  It's one night of your life.   So, if it sucks, now you know and you can move on.  Think of all the time you just saved yourself.   You don't have to wonder about her anymore.  No more auditions or tests.  One date and it's "Next".   Not to mention that this makes women angry.   If a man can't commit to spending two hours with me, then he is an annoying weenie.

An example:  There are now 3 eligible men in my ward (which is unprecedented, we've had a 200% increase!).  One of them isn't interested in me.  One stares at me but won't speak.  The third says hello (and it took him two years to do that) and makes googly eyes at me.  I'd go out with any of them if they asked.  But unless they man up and do it, I couldn't care less. 

NOTE: When I feel so-so about a man and then he treats me well and does all of the above, my so-so turns into yes-yes.  Likewise, I could be really excited about a man until he fails to do the above, moving him down to so-so or no-no. These behaviors often determine whether you get a second date or not. They are that important.

Some readers might think this is so obvious they don't need to be said. But, you'd be wrong about that. I've had the dates to prove it.  Believe me, an awful lot of men out there never learned any of this, or they forgot it, or, they think they are god's gift to women and can act like jerks if they want to. Good luck with that.