Demons Haunting

My completely unexpected termination letter (AKA letter of non-reappointment), that came in the mail from the Provost's Office, signed by the Provost, said that there were no classes for me because of the new hires and changing student patterns. (?)  I knew this had to be b.s. because I have seniority over most of the adjuncts.  My friend told me to ask what the deal was.  I didn't want to, but I thought maybe the chair didn't know about it, and maybe he could do something.

Last week I emailed him, asking if there were some other reason for it, such as my grades being late in the fall.  He didn't respond. Yesterday, I emailed again. Could he tell me whether I'll be considered for classes that open up or, no?  I got a reply today. I  wish I had left it alone.

The email was well-crafted.  It was a reply to my first email, not the second.  The letter had been intended to insult me, to express their disgust with me.  He included several paragraphs outlining my problems. He summed it up with the term, "administrative annoyance".  Basically, I caused headaches and wasted time because my grades were late last semester,"not for the first time", and because I didn't respond to some of their emails.   This demonstrated a clear indifference to the job.  I'm not really sure how they got 5 paragraphs out of that, but they did.

Indifferent? If they only knew. I gave blood, sweat and tears, literally, to that damn college.  But I wasted all my time on teaching, my mistake.  I'm so indifferent that I get observation reports saying, "this is the most successful class I have ever seen at this college."  One semester, I got a thank you card from an entire class in a required freshman course!  My indifference must be the reason why 1/3 of the students in my current 300-level class are kids who've taken me before.  This was the one thing in my life I could still care about without feeling pain or regret.  Until now.  Thank you department chair and co-chair! I suspect this was mostly the woman's doing, she probably composed the letter, it had the stink of angry woman all over it.   Though she didn't have the balls to sign it, pun intended.  I don't think most men presume to know you're emotional state, such as indifference, based on your actions.  That seems like a female thing to do.

This is so bad for my 'waste of space' complex, I've been trying to dig myself out of it for weeks.  This one email has pushed me all the way back down to the bottom.  It hurts my  stomach.  The Cocoa Puffs and left-over Peeps may not have helped with that either.

I honestly did not think the late grades mattered much, I had no idea it caused  problems. No one ever replies to those emails, or is that just me? I  guess it was just me.  Maybe they could've said something before now to clue me in?  They had 7 years to let me know.  No one has ever said one word to me about anything.  If they had said something, I would have tried harder to be better.  But, no matter how hard I try, I'm a terrible employee. I'm late for everything, I can't do administrative anything to save my life, I get lost in deadlines, and when my anxiety is on I can't talk to anyone, or email or deal, forget about details and directions, they're impossible.

I'm not making excuses, I'd never hire myself, and it's unacceptable, but this is the result of my problems, the ADD and the mood disorder combined.  Despite my best efforts, I keep failing. (Although, if my doc hadn't been so stingy with the ritalin, I could have done better.)

I wish this was just one firing, but it's not.  It's a lifetime of firings. I am unemployable. I've been fired from every job I've ever had.  I was really proud of this one because I lasted 7 years!  I am very good at teaching.  I'm trying not to let despair eat me alive.  I'm working my mind as hard as I can to keep self-hatred from ballooning out of control.

I don't know where to go from here, what to do. What's going to happen to me. Except for this weeked. . . .