4.20.2010

Going Off the Market (but not offline)

No more men. No more dates. No more wasted energy and time. As my friend Angela said, "you can't get orange juice from apples, no matter how hard you squeeze." I've been squeezing apples with no oranges in sight.

I have things to do. I have to get my career on track. Dig myself out of this financial hole. Create the life I always wanted; that I was on track to achieve until I got hit with the bi-polar. I'm going to marry my life. Woe to the man who gets in my way.

It's not that I have spent years wasting time on men, I haven't. I had a relationship in 2005, two relationships in 2009. In between, I had occasional dates and online flirtations; but I mostly concentrated on mending my broken soul. Last year, I finally felt okay enough to really get out there, to actively pursue a love life. But I found sour apples.

I do not need a man. I do not need to get married. I need to take better care of myself. I need to become useful and productive. I'm 34 now. I won't find a Mormon man my age. There are some out there, but they aren't interested in me, because I'm too independent or educated, or whatever it is. And now, I'm probably too old. Why pursue a 34 year old when there's a gaggle of girls in their 20s available? I have tried having relationships with non-Mormons, but that seems nigh impossible. Thank you, sexual revolution.

Onward and upward, by myself.

6 comments:

TOWR said...

Blerg. I heard that. I've tried living my life and being happy alone (because my sister-in-law said it was then that I would "find 'the one'") and I've tried "getting out there," as my mom and best friend suggested. Neither approach has worked. I guess the moral of the story is to tell people to shut their freaking gobs and keep their advice to themselves because none of it works. My conclusion: it's only through DUMB FREAKING LUCK that people are getting married. (I sound a lot more bitter than I am, honestly!)

J.L. said...

Amen. Luck has a lot to do with it. Remember also that the more extraordinary you are, the more difficult it is to find someone compatible. This means you are very unique! Cold comfort, I know. But I am seriously finished. Not finished like I'm trying to be happy so I can meet someone. Just done.

Kim Siever said...

Going at it alone is tough. Well, if what others have told me is true. It take a very special person.

No one can say you never tried, or your heart wasn’t in it. Good luck in this new phase of your life, and I hope eliminating this stress results in a newfound peace and joy.

J.L. said...

Thank you, Kim. I hope so too.

The problem is that I say this after every break up. And I really mean it.

Then some man comes along and ruins everything. He bats his big bespectacled green eyes, reads from his novel, buys jewelry from Tiffany's, brings soup when you're sick, says he is so lucky to be with you... He makes it impossible to resist. And it starts all over again.

Kim Siever said...

For some reason, I fell prompted to tell you, “If there’s someone out there for you . . .” but I get the feeling you’ve heard all that before.

Maybe a real break will clarify things for you At the least.

JL said...

If there is someone out there for me.... I'll find him? Any promptings and encouragement are much appreciated, thank you, Kim. The encouragement is actually dwindling. People don't talk to me about it anymore. They're afraid to upset me, I think. Or, they think that it's getting too late. I know my mother has given up on me.

A mental and emotional break from the process will be good for me. At this point, I'm leaving it in the Lord's hands. He can bring me someone if He wants me to have a family. I can't do this for myself.