Tonight's Top Ten: Signs that you've given up on your lovelife

10. You don't bother making the obligatory scope-out visit to the singles ward in your parent's city. (It's a spanish speaking branch anyway.)

9. You have no interest whatsoever in your sibling's single friends. You don't even try to flirt with them when they call on the phone.

8. Parts of your body that used to look fine now jiggle. And you don't care.

7. Because it is so darn hot here, you actually wear tanktops and capsleeve shirts outside the house. Despite your knowledge that your forearms are so unattractive they turn off any man who isn't blind.

6. Rather than preparing to make yourself cute before going to the beach, you try to get used to the fact that no one will see you as a babe-- to prevent disappointment when all the men ignore you. (This is South Beach we're talking about, only supermodels and latinas with perfect bodies turn heads. The rest of us look like toads.)

5. On Friday night, for fun, you go to the store to return the shoes you bought that morning and exchange them for the shoes you bought last week but returned two days ago.

4. While making that trip to the store, you wear black knit stretchy pants covered in white cat fur.

3. Then you rush home from the store so you don't miss the beginning of the movie your brother checked out from the library.

2. Afterwards, you're grateful when you're newlywed sister calls to tell you about her burgeoning sexlife because it breaks up your monotonous evening.

1. You're actually shameless enough to call your ex-boyfriend at 10 pm Friday night (letting him know you have no life) AND then leave him a message!! (confirming you have no life and the call wasn't an accident).

1A. In the message you say: "I hope you're out doing groovy single guy stuff."

AND the real #1 sign that you've given up on your lovelife:
You actually meant it.


Val said...

Oh Gosh why do I feel like most of these apply to my life haha Oh well we don't even have a singles ward... let alone single male in our area 

Left by Valerie

noelle feather said...

I like #4, a lot. 

Left by feather123

LuluBunny said...

I've been lurking around your blog for awhile now, and enjoying it tremendously! Just wanted to say hello, and thank you for this post in particular since I laughed harder at each one of these than I have at anything in a long time.

Obviously I'm laughing because I recognize myself in them a bit too much (in my case, #4 would involve white DOG hair).

Left by LuluBunny

Kevin Barney said...

JL, I'm so glad to see that you are doing better. I think the time down south will be good for you, and I hope you are able to see some doctors and get the chemicals balanced out or whatever you need to do for your long-term health. I'm sure some day you'll have a burgeoning sex life just as your sister does now, even if at the moment it seems impossible.  

Left by Kevin Barney

Diva said...

How is FLA? Hope life is treating you better. Get some rest and I hope you get everything all straightened out. Lots of Love and Good Thoughts, Diva 

Left by Diva

Aubrey said...

Good to hear things are going well for Jill...she hasn't given me any dirt so I have to just assume everything's peachy. 

Left by Aubrey

Anonymous said...

I am wondering why my interesting response about gardening got deleted? Gardening is a great hobby and also a healthy one! Maybe I pressed the wrong button and it didn't take. My bad. 

Left by Anonymous

Petula Wright said...

This is hilarious! Good stuff. 

Left by Petula Wright

Anonymous Law Student said...

I just read your post about your Moz boyfriend. I could almost feel myself in his shoes. I've botched that moment where I'm supposed to ask for a phone number, more times than I can count.

I haven't been reading long enough to know where you live, but have you considered moving to a bigger city where there would be more mormon guys to meet? 

Left by Anonymous Law Student

Stephen said...

BTW, the books came back to my office, the Post Office returned them. If you get a mailing address in Florida, I'll forward them there.


Left by Stephen M (Ethesis)

Stephen said...

And, on weight loss:


(I'm down 63 pounds or so). 

Left by Stephen M (Ethesis)

Moroni said...

Hey... Um... I'm back. All praise the blog gods. 

Left by Moroni