Bury myself in work! Ha ha ha haha......rotfl. Like that will ever happen.
But I have figured some things out. Firstly, I am abombinal to myself. If someone asked me to take care of their child, I would treat it much better than I treat myself. I realized this because I have taken much better care of my cat the last few months than of my own person. While I neglected my own needs, I bought her the best food, took her to the doctor right away, paid for all the tests and everything with my credit card. But, I was unwilling to pay for tests on my ornery uterus. I justified it because my situation is not life or death. Probably. Still, that is perverse. I loved my cat more than myself. Perverse. I also love other people more than myself. That is sinful too. We are told to love others as we love ourselves. So we are commanded to be just as good to ourselves as we are to others. Most people feel more responsibility when someone else has a stake in their actions. One's work takes on more importance if it affects others. How do we justify being more moral to others and less moral towards ourselves?
Does God love you less than your neighbor? What right have you to treat this person that way? Would you feed someone else's child junk food and let her stay up all night watching garbage on tv? No. Would you let her shirk her responsibilities creating problems and guilt for herself? No. Would you leave her alone to wallow in her grief in front of the tv or a book? No--well, this one I'm not sure of. What do you do for grieving people? My mom made casseroles. I don't want a casserole.
Where did the casserole come from? What a strange food! When i was a kid we had casseroles several times a week. My mom made incredible food, she never served us the mayo-corn flake concoctions I've seen. But I think about all the ingredients, the cutting, the shopping, the prep time. Why??? Why would anyone do that to themselves? Is it a Mormon thing or just a middle America 20th century thing?
EWWWWWWW
My parasites and I are working out our differences--did you know we can have them in our sinuses? *shiver* .... Anyway, Ted the tapeworm and I are working things out, the others have to go. Ted says he'll keep me thin as long as I keep feeding him. I'm taking ParaGone which I saw recommended by a number of people. It's some nasty herbal mix, but it makes dead things exit my body. Apparently, most Americans have parasites. You can get them from fruits and vegetables that aren't washed, the water supply, pets, mosquito bites, or touching something that someone else touched....it's a foul and nasty business. But the grey circles under my eyes are going away. And I've had improvements with the digestive system.
*****
Anyway, I have to figure out how to care for this sad 29 year old. Friday I re-learned that hermitism is not the way for her to go. That day, the best thing that had happened that week: my ex-not-boyfriend put his hand on my back in the library. Woo-Hoo!!!! Oh, and I also got a free piece of pizza from the nice man behind the counter, which was nice. Then I went to the movies in Times Square by myself because I couldn't stand the thought of going home to my apartment where everything is sad. I got there early. But it sold out and there was an empty seat on either side of me. This big guy came up and said, "Is anyone sitting there?" I said 'no'. He said, "Well, could you move over please so I can sit with my girlfriend?" I wanted to say, "If you got here on time you could sit with your girlfriend, why should I move because you're butt was late?" But I didn't. I moved over. Then the guy sat on my drink. So I had to throw out the straw. He asked if everything was ok. I just grumbled and started to cry silently. I thought,'Of course everything is not ok! I'm at the movies by myself on Friday night and you just sat on my 4 dollar coke. The least you could do is get me a new straw. But you just enjoy snuggling your girlfriend, big guy.'
What to do for this woman? I took the antenna off her tv. I did yoga this morning for this first time in two months. I cleaned the kitchen sink which has had rotting spinach in it for two weeks. And answered some email. I'd do her laundry but I don't have quarters. I need to get her social life going, even if she complains and doesn't like it. This staying home alone all the time makes her crazy. I need to keep up this third person care-taker voice, it seems to work.
Here's the plan, I take the love I used to give to my dead cat and give it to me. I have to imagine I have responsibility for the most special person in the world to me.
