Back to church, with a broken heart, again

The ironic thing about meeting Farmer Ted is that he has scared me into going back to church. Knowing how close I came, how much I wanted to give up this chastity thing, and how resentful it made me, showed me how far I have gone from the Lord. He showed me I need to get my behind back on the pew every Sunday.

So, I did go to church, on that Sunday after he told me about his 'new girl'. The ward completely ignored me again. As I sat there before the meeting, I watched the bishopric walk around introducing themselves to all the new people. The bishop glanced at me. No one came over. No one said hello. I knew they didn't know who I was. Some missionaries sat next to me because they had no other choice. I had spent the entire weekend in my apartment doing nothing. I already felt lonely and rejected, and this happened at church again! I needed some attention, I needed some love from somewhere. I was not going to get it here, in the 'house of the Lord'.

By the time sacrament ended, I felt so bad I couldn't stay any longer. I got up and walked out of the chapel. As I came through the lobby, I saw the huge painting of Jesus Christ with his open arms extended in love and welcome. I burst into tears. The irony! I started running down the stairs to get out of there. "Wait!" I turned and looked up. One of the missionaries. He had followed me out. He asked my name. What was my phone number, could they come visit? I choked out a yes, said that the sisters had been visiting me. I tried to hide my red blotchy face from him. He told me to call if I ever needed anything. Ok...bye. What a sweetheart...Then I drove home.

Instead of waiting for Farmer Ted to not call, I went to bed and cried myself to sleep. When I awoke, I semi-waited, but I knew. The call never came. He was getting serious about the girl. It was not even about him, really. He wasn't that great a catch, I could do better. It was the rejection, again that hurt me. Having my hopes destroyed once again caused an unbelievable pain that wrenched through my body. Alone again, while he was having lots of sex with the boring girl. I screamed into my couch pillows and beat the floor in frustration. Would this never end?!! How much heartbreak can one person take!?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??? Then I sobbed for hours.

There was something seriously wrong with me. I am 31 years old and could see no end. The hours and force of my tears made my chest hurt, my lungs sore, and my head throb...the thought of the rest of my life continuing this way... a loveless life seems absolutely unbearable. As I choked on my sobs, I wished I could stop breathing. I wished I really would choke, so this could be over...Then I pictured myself filling the bathtub and holding my head under the water, flooding my lungs and escaping the pain. Surely hell is better than this... No one is meant to live this way.

Suicide fantasies?! Holy crap!--it's been 10 years! Someone help me!...This is very very bad. I called my Bishop but got no answer and no voicemail. Of course. I remembered the sweet missionary from church, I dug out his number and called. I left a message, the words stuttered with sobs. Finally, the Bishop called, who had heard from the Elder. He asked what I needed? I told him that I felt so alone I didn't think I could go on anymore. This was it for me. It was too hard. I didn't know what more to do. The Bishop didn't understand me. After some talking, he agreed to come over.

They came. He gave me a copy of the 'Every Single One' story from the Ensign, which I had read. He wanted to know what I thought of it. I told him it didn't go far enough. I told him that church was the loneliest place in the world. He wanted to know why. I said that as a single person, I am alone all the time. No one cares if I come or go, get sick, or anything. So when I go to church, I need to be noticed instead of completely ignored. I told him no one had said hello to me that morning. Then he said he remembered seeing me but didn't know why he didn't talk to me.

I explained that I needed a family, that I found no support at church. I had no home teachers, nothing. And because church was not a source of comfort and support to me, it made these men who wanted me all the more tempting... how was I supposed to keep resisting them and the "love" they offered when I had no other place to go? Then he understood. He hung his head in shame and his eyes filled with tears. He admitted that he had been negligent with the singles. He wanted to know what they could do. So I told him. I gave him a list, starting with Family Home Evening. He promised to do something.

Then he gave me a blessing. The other brother offered to be my hometeacher.

I did feel better. I did feel comforted. I didn't drown myself in the bathtub that night.

Poll: Aug. 2007

When should you tell your date you are religious and celibate?

Votes:
2--Right when you meet
4--On the first date
**16--After first date, but before they ask you to come home with them
1--When they start groping you
4--Never! Live and let live baby.

And the winner is: After the first date, but before they ask you to come home with them.

Meet 'Farmer Ted', nee International Playboy

He is no playboy. He has no idea what to do with two women. He hasn't the slightest clue what he is doing, nor what game he plays. My girlfriend has renamed him 'Farmer Ted' from "16 Candles," because he bumbles about like an inexperienced adolescent. See for yourself . . .

Farmer Ted and I have continued our flirtations, despite the fact he is seeing someone else.
I met his new 'girl'. She was a nice girl, not the kind of skank you bring home for a bootycall. A girlfriend-kind of girl. I expected her to be some beer-soaked ho from a nearby bar. Nope. I tried to be nice and friendly to her, but she was so boring, which surprised me most of all. And yet, it shouldn't have, that's how it always goes. Men choose the boring girls because they deem them to be 'easier' (or in this case because they put out and don't get psycho). It's 'Age of Innocence' over and over again. The exciting, challenging woman who is just too much work, gets cast aside by the cowardly man for the seemingly simple woman. Take heed men, NO WOMAN IS SIMPLE! There is no such thing. If she seems so, then she is acting. But, I digress.

During his party, I flirted with the other boys there. (I took my last Xanax beforehand, I had saved it for two years, knowing that one day I would need chemical relaxation.) It worked. I made a spectacle of myself, dancing and laughing and entertaining the emo kids/hipsters. At one point, Ted said, "see, you're mingling. I like it," then he smiled. Later, he held his hand out to me. So I took it, and he held me there for what felt like a long time. In front of everyone! What are you trying to do??

At 10 pm, the party got kicked off the roof by the doorman, so we moved into his apartment. By then I had two little emo boys following me around. But it was time for me to go, so I looked for Ted to say goodbye. I took the elevator to the roof, with one of my boys in tow. As the door opened, Ted and the girl came in. So we rode down with them. Awkward. Ted and I talked, but the others didn't. At his floor, his girl and my boy got off. We stayed on and rode down, we were alone for the first time all night. He gave me a long hug. I said, "She's sweet". He sighed, "yeah".

He went to see the doorman to get his deposit back, so I walked with him. I asked if we were still on for the movies this weekend. We could go out on Saturday, in the afternoon. We kept talking, until he gave me another hug and I left.

Saturday, we met for a double-feature: Rear Window and Rope. We sat together for 3 hours in the tense darkness. I didn't remember Rear Window as such a sexy movie. He turned away from me during the first Grace Kelly kissing scene. When the second one began, he got up and left, returning afterwards with a coke. And a few minutes later, I felt something wet and cold on my arm. Huh? I looked down and saw his hand slowly dragging a piece of ice down my bare arm. What did he think he was he doing??? He saw me looking at him and dropped the ice. I picked it up and threw it in his crotch. That made us laugh.

When the movie ended, he said he wanted to do something again the next day. I said maybe.

I came home so confused. I wanted to do the friend thing with him, but he acted like he wanted more. It didn't make any sense to me. I have never kissed a man and then tried being friends, I've only done it the other way around. Where do we draw the lines between us? How do I know what he wants from me when he acts like he wants something romantic/sexual, but says something else? Being friends was his idea, why should I be the one to enforce the rules? What are the rules?--it's different now that he is seeing someone.

He stood me up the next day. Called that night to apologize. He blew me off the next weekend too. After the second time, I had enough. He made his choice. He wanted sex more than he wanted me. Too bad for him.

September Spawn . . .

What a wild ride this month has been, drama, change, drama, change.... all is a whirlwind. Too much to keep up with on here. Mostly good things. Things that need their own posts, their own detailed examinations, things I need to share:

what happened when I confronted the bishop about how much the singles are neglected in our ward,

Why International Playboy earned the new name 'Farmer Ted' (of 16 Candles fame),

How my faith in my life choices has been restored--celibacy specifically,

Why I love NYC

The best worst movie ever made and the Mormon connection

The undergraduate class that shall heretofore be known as 'the gift from God'

My first business trip with room service

The corporation that therapists built

and the Canadian who makes Farmer Ted look like, Farmer Ted....

Where to begin? Since it is Sunday, I should start with the faith-affirming events. But, I know my readers may be most interested in the unfolding of the I.P/Farmer Ted drama. Aha! They are one and the same my friends...