On and On Again

So. My life won't be changing any time in the next year.  
 Of the 3 schools I applied to:

PhD 1 said No.
PhD 2 said Yes, but it was too late for funding. There's no way I can go to graduate school in London without funding.  The reason there was no money left for me?  They said something went terribly wrong on their end and they don't know why they didn't review my application until April. 

MSW: Big FAT No that I just got today.  After paying their criminal $125 application fee, which, if you ask me, that amount of money ought to guarantee acceptance. I was also subjected to a 2 hour group interview that was TORTURE. Sitting in a circle with a social worker and a bunch of college senior girls, all competing to have the best answers to the same questions.  Such questions as: What would you do if you had a formerly homeless client who cooked you your favorite meal. I said I would eat it, that it was too rude not to.  All the simpering mealy mouthed girls said they would be as nice as they could but turn it down.  Yeah, good luck with that. 

I don't know what to do. I can't go on living my crap life this way.  Yesterday was a great day because I got to buy groceries, like I actually spent $80 on food that I want to eat. It's been 12 months since I was able to do that.  But the semester ends soon and I'll be back to eating church storehouse food.  Last month I had to duct tape my front bumper back on to my car.  Which officially moves me down one socio-economic level.  I had to stop volunteering at the zoo because the toll costs $8 and it takes too much gas to get there.   AND, I have to go to a hearing to have the unemployment I collected last year revoked.  Unless I get a lawyer for that. I already have two lawyers for my other crap. How am I supposed to hire another one? 

 Yes, things could be worse. Much worse. I am very blessed to have my physical health, to have my apartment and my friends and my family that has been helping me out a lot this year.  And extremely lucky to have a car that still runs. 

But. REALLY?  When will this end?  It's not like I'm not trying. I've already given up on ever getting married and I've definitely let go of the fantasy of having children.  It doesn't seem like it's too much to ask that I have enough of a successful career that I can support myself and my basic needs. That's all I want. I don't want to have to keep praying every month that my rent check won't bounce. And that my landlord has a soft heart towards me so I don't get evicted.  Clearly, I am doing something very wrong. I just wish I knew how to fix things.



emilythomas1 said...

Keep trying if it's what you really want. Like you said, "it's not like I'm not trying..." but keep on keeping on... that is what PhD will teach you anyway... how to ENDURE. It was the more refining experience of my life, emotionally as well as academically.

Thanks for sharing!

Stephen said...

Perhaps, though, even though it is too late for funding this year, they might be able to reprise it all next year, but with funding? Or does it work that way ...

nf2 said...

"Clearly, I am doing something very wrong." Or something very right. Expect that the message you're sending here and in your life is noticed in the spiritual realm. There are angels who help you and fallen angels who try to distract, discourage, and demoralize you, to drag you down. It may be that your life is a spiritual battleground. Fight back in prayer. Take all necessary practical measures to improve your life, but understand that the heart of the matter may be spiritual.

SavvyD said...

I'm dealing with some of the same feelings.

So...I guess we have to take care of ourselves rather than worry about the opposite sex.

Frustrating, I know.

Kevin Barney said...

I'm so sorry to hear of your troubles.

I realize it's presumptuous to offer advice, but I'm wondering whether pursuing more education at this point is really the right move? It looks to me as though you could use a job, preferably with benefits, but ideally full-time. Sure it might be mind-numbing, like being a receptionist in a law firm or something. But it would provide you with some stability, and you really need that in your life right now.

Just a thought from the peanut gallery...

City JL said...

I'm very bad at those jobs. I always get fired from them. And the chances of me finding one with a masters degree and 9 years as a professor are exceptionally slim. Who wants a professor to be their secretary? I'm too old and educated for entry level and don't have enough experience doing anything else to get a higher level job. I've tried that road.