Closure.

I've suffered through some anniversaries lately. It brought back the pain of losing my xbf all over again.  The one year anniversary of our first break-up, Valentine's Day when we had our first fake friendship non-date that ended with a lot of kissing and ultimately disaster.  Even the Egyptian revolution tortured me with memories. (There's a story  behind that.)  I never stopped hurting for him, but it has a new urgency.  My body aches for him again. And I've been crying.  All year I hoped he might change his mind and come back to me.  No one else ever loved me the way he did. Now I know that's never going to happen. 

What I need is closure. Our last breakup was such a mess, he just ran away and left me hanging. He gave me a line about needing space on the phone, but said it wasn't forever. I didn't know what that meant. I gave him a month. Then I couldn't take waiting and constantly checking for emails or phone calls.  I emailed him to find out what was going on. He did not reply. I tried several times over the next two weeks, asking him to tell me to leave him alone or give me a time line or breakup with me for good. Nothing. I finally got psycho with a nasty email, an apology, and one more begging him to tell me it was over. No reply. I finally threatened to go to his house to make him talk to me. To that, he replied. He told me he could have no contact with me and I especially could not go to his house. It was over. Hallelujah! That was a relief. And really, really, painful.

Still, I didn't believe him. He couldn't even say the words out loud. I didn't understand how someone could walk away from what we had.  Maybe he just needed more time. And I felt so horrible about how I behaved.  I hated what I had done.  I hated knowing he probably hated me.  For a year I've been regretting that and everything else I did wrong with him.  That, along with pining for him has been miserable. Now it's all making me angry on top of everything else. This has got to stop. 

My first attempt to deal with it was an email to his friend, the one who set us up.  I asked him to tell me my xbf was happy now.  If I knew he was happy with a girlfriend who gave him lots of sex, then I could move on.  I would be happy for him, and it would mean our break up was a good thing. --No reply. 

Like a lunatic, I began to think maybe it was time for me to make a move. Maybe he was as unhappy as I was.  I could ask him to come back to me. I fantasized about going to his house, imagining he would cry and kiss me and we would never part again. I got over that foolishness.  He doesn't want to be with me, the end.
But I did need to talk to him. I need his forgiveness. I want to know he is happier now. I want him to tell me he has no regrets.  Tell me that we're better off apart.

I sent an email.  It was short:Hi there. Are you amenable to a chat?

He replied: I don't know if that's a great idea. I hope you are doing well but I don't know what we would have to talk about. I'm sorry, I know this sounds harsh. 

It was a punch in the gut. I got livid.  Like being rejected yet again. He should have asked me what I had to say instead of arrogantly declaring we had nothing to talk about.  He could at least help me with closure. And how insulting that he tried to nice it up and water it down. Just say: No, I don't want to talk to you.  I could handle that.  But his condescension, I can not. I was thoroughly disgusted with him.

This could mean he is not over me and that's why he doesn't want to talk to me.  But maybe not.

I have been on a roller coaster all week.  First I was furious that he wouldn't talk to me.  Then I was okay. Then I got angry thinking that he might be alone and unhappy. That would make our breakup pointless and even more stupid.  Today I am very sad. I don't want to let go of him but I have to. It breaks my heart, again, and still.

My therapist is making me write a letter.  Say what I need to and be done with him.  She said it's the only way to get over it. I hope it works. I'm ready to move on.