The Best Worst Movie Ever!: "Troll 2" and the Mormons

"Troll 2? Never heard of it, there was a Troll 1?"
"Yes, but this movie had nothing to do with the first one. And there are no trolls in it."

While on one of our non-date movie outings, Farmer Ted asked if I wanted to see "Troll 2" at a special midnight showing. Sure.

Later, he mentioned that 'his girl' was going too. Excuse me? Did you just invite me on your date with your girlfriend? "Oh? Well, then I'm going to bring my friend Mike. I don't want to be a third wheel." He did not like this at all. Too bad.

The four of us met at the theater, but the tickets were sold out. Um, Troll 2 has sold out? Are you freaking kidding me? Nope. So, we scrounged up a plan and got in line anyway. These people make minimum wage, they don't care if you have the right tickets. Yes, my friends and I are a bunch of over-grown juvenile delinquents.

In the lobby, we saw a small movie crew. One of the actors from the 20 year old film was shooting a documentary about the cult status of 'Troll 2'. Some of the super-fans dressed in goblin costumes, some wore all green, one woman dressed like a crazy witch. It's been a long time since I've seen this kind of crowd. I remarked that we were definitely too sober to see this movie. (Visit the official site here for photos of the mad fans!)

Once inside, we had to split up our little group into two rows. I stayed with my friend, and Farmer Ted had to sit with his lady, who promptly draped herself all over him. He didn't respond in kind.

The movie. What a freaking good time!! My face hurt I laughed so much. It might be the funniest movie I've ever seen. The crowd added another element of fun by quoting the movie, shouting out wisecracks and even doing a synchronized 80s dance routine. But the movie does not need the extra entertainment. Every scene is worse than the previous one. I'd think that it couldn't possibly get any worse, but it did. This is the perfect bad movie: crappy effects, bad costumes, non-sensical plot, poor taste, horrible acting, comedic soundtrack, homo-erotic undertones, 80s cheese, green goo, a mini-van, anorexic sex-object, floating head dead grandpa... and the memorable line: "You can't piss on hospitality!" The use of which was literal, not metaphoric. And...... redneck Utahn Mormon extras!!!! The extras are the scariest thing in the movie. (That's right, folks! This little flick was filmed in the backwoods of Utah.) If you look at the scary sheriff's hands as he drives, you can see his CTR ring.

After the movie, some of the actors did a Q & A session with two comedians. You can imagine the questions asked by this cynical, mostly drunk, film-school drop-out filled audience: (I'll give you an example as soon as I remember one)

The dentist, whom I called 'Sexy Dad', explained how the tour got started. He called Blair up to the front, a nice boy from Provo. Blair is an RM-looking dude who told us his movie club watched Troll 2. A member of his club said he went to church with one of the actors. So, Blair decided to look up all the actors. He figured they still lived in Utah since they obviously weren't living large in L.A. due to their fame and success. He was right! He found most of them in the local phone books. He organized a screening in Salt Lake. The theater sold out. Then they took the movie and Q&A on tour. Good times.

Ted and his date wanted to leave right after the movie. She obviously didn't like it. He was either tired or in a bad mood. But my buddy wanted to stay. I told Ted he could leave without us. I had a great time, as did my friend and the strange guy sitting next to me named "Casper". We laughed together the whole time. (I unabashedly chatted up Casper for Farmer Ted's benefit. Isn't that evil? Maybe I'm from Nilbog too!)

Every B movie fan and obscure Mormon pop culturist must see Troll 2!


Michael said...

I keep hearing great things about the movie tour- I definitely do want to see it now though I'm not sure it would be as fun on video. I know my friend Lilian would love it though, so I'll have to see if we can get it from netflix or something.

I am glad you are doing a little better. I hope that your home teachers can help you feel a part of a ward family. My new branch is small but good- it's just hard figuring out how to reach out to everyone. Hopefully we can do better than we are and bring people in so that no one has to feel the way you did(do). I think that's part of the whole purpose of the Church.

Stephen said...

If you are dating non-LDS, would you be interested in a 6'2" athletic Anesthesiologist about to turn 40?

He's good looking, never married, looks Scandinavian/Prussian and is from eastern Europe (you can tell how he got to be 39 and unmarried, typical got out of the soviet block, worked his way up, through med school, interning, residency and round the clock to make partner in the practice).

He speaks a number of languages (perfect English, excellent Spanish, Russian, Polish, etc.). His personal passion is reading religious and philosophical writers in their original languages.

Slightly reserved in manner, he is looking for someone who can think broadly rather than, an err, pop tart (at least that is what some of my co-workers call them). It is hard to find intelligent women with a deep interest in philosophy.

They were talking about birthday presents for him and he confided he'd rather just have a date with an intelligent woman. My wife is hoping I can find someone to set him up with.

You are at the extreme young range of the scale, but in terms of being able to enjoy philosophy.

And yes, he makes in the typical range of money for M.D. partners in an anesthesiology practice.

He may be too old for you, but I thought I'd ask, my wife brought it up again this morning.

Anonymous said...

This bathtub drowning situation bothers me a little. In all sincerity, you are a borderline Phd. Here is the bottom line. You are wanting to be a wise lady however because you are single, you consider that there is something wrong with you, that you are not wise enough, or right enough.

Here is the solution in my humble opinion, there are a lot of stupid people who don't know squat about crap. To base your worth or level of smarts on others is not right. Who are other people anyway? We are all half-crazy lunatics. We may think we know things but do we really? Shouldn't there be a level of openmindedness, rather than prejudice?

The Lord is the only smart right person, and when we align ourselves with him through obedience, then we can gratefully humbly be assured we are doing the smart right thing. Living principles of truth, (that comes from the Lord) brings peace and confidence.

Farmer Ted wants you to think that he has the smart/right qualities by the way he walks and talks. That's the game to get you to his side. But he is as much of a moron as the next person. If he doesn't treat others as he would want to be treated, then there's an issue there. If he wouldn't want to have children, when his parents had him is not right. If he wants to play around when he should be having a family is not right. Those are prejudices since I don't know the dude, however I am sure he isn't worth sulking about.

chris said...

Try some of the LDS dating sites. There are lots of em. I'm sure you know what they are. Lotsa mormon men available. This may sound crazy, but if you move to Utah, you will be married in 6 months. You could study at the U. I know a few people who got feed up with availability, and made the choice to move there, and struck gold within a year. Huntington Beach is another place where singles tend to trend. Expensive though...

JL said...


I've done the LDS dating sites online. No thank you! About every 6months though, I go trolling on the sites for men in NY and I send out a bunch of emails to the ones that look interesting. I've had a few bites and dates that went nowhere.

I don't think I could live in Utah. I know of more people who moved there to find someone and left after a few years because they didn't meet anyone. But thank you for the suggestions.

My suicidal feelings were not over Farmer Ted, he most certainly is not worth that! Most of the time I don't even want to date him because he disgusts me so much. My feelings were the result of 15 years of unsuccessful dating, with nothing but failure upon failure, heartbreak on heartbreak. How does one maintain her hope against that? The only thing left to me is prayer, but my own weren't strong enough anymore. That's why I had to have the bishop come over to pray for me and lend me some of his faith.

Anonymous said...

I am sorry to misjudge your sadness as attributed to Farmer Ted. That causes me to reflect on a book 'Mere Christianity' by CS Lewis where he talks about a common chair. He says it looks common but is it really that simple? Do we understand all the different forces and subatomic elements of that chair? I may say I know everything about that chair, but I don't. There's always more to learn. Just like there is always more to learn about people and their feelings.

JL said...


Seeing it on the tv will not be as much fun. A lot of people in the audience knew most of the bad lines and shouted them out. And people talked back to the movie, which made it even better. But, I defy you to have a bad time watching this atrocity which calls itself a film! There is a 'sex' scene where the witch seduces a boy by feeding him corn on the cob. Come, on!

JL said...


You are right about the chair. I wrote my masters thesis on that very subject, the fact that one object, such as a chair can never be identical with itself because its properties constantly change and etc.

Thank you for your concern though, I was worried about the bathtub thing too!

Anonymous said...

Chris -are you smoking crack? Once you're past the age of 25, it's damn near impossible to find someone to want to marry you in this blasted state of Utah.

Gritty Pretty said...

hi jl,
Troll 2 came to an overflowing venue in Provo. very fun. but our crowd wasn't quite as savvy as yours.

thevitaminkid said...

Ooooh, I can never resist a woman with corn on the cobb!

I will inform all my friends who are fans of bad movies about this "wonderful" new find.