What a horrible, whiny self-pitying post that last one is.
And then something random happened yesterday. It stopped again. No more of the spinning and incessant thoughts in my mind. The repetitive strain of thought "I'm sorry" went away. It accompanied some memory of something for which I felt ashamed. But I didn't feel bad yesterday for the first time in weeks and weeks. There have still been a few reguritated shameful memories popping up today and last night, but they don't make me feel bad. I even called my mother out of the blue to tell her about the good observation because i knew she'd liked to hear it. I haven't been calling anyone. Least of all her.
I'm afraid to hope that this will last a few weeks, enough to get me through the end of the semester without ruining everything. This looks like a bad month-good month pattern. If I get 4 good weeks from now I can still squeeze by without another incomplete. But I get ahead of myself. Musn't set myself up for disappointment again. Please, please, let this last a few weeks.
Another surprise I found this semester, I prefer my urban kids to the suburban. The suburbies bore me to tears. They have nothing to say. I can't even get them to talk about sex!! I have tried to get discussions going on sex just to wake them up and it falls dead. It is a Catholic school but they can't all be catholic. They also still seem to think they are in high school. A group of them clique together like they're the cool kids. I guess no one told them that no one cares anymore. They'll get quite a shock when they get real jobs.
One kid scares me. I think he may really be a psychopath. He is exactly what I imagined the Unabomber was like at his age. I could write a whole post about that kid so I'll end here. Except for this, yesterday he said he wanted to use his guns to kill the other student who also said he collects guns. The class laughed uproariously like it was a big joke. I'm just glad I live a safe 3 hour distance away from him.