Is life supposed to be hell? I'm not sure I would have signed up for this if this is all there is. In fact, I think I prefer hell. Then at least I'd know that I deserved it. And I could stop trying. And stop waiting for things to get better, stop hoping. That sounds like an improvement. This is not fire and brimstone anguish--more the eternal slow drip of corrosive acid on my soul. Each day is a fight to just do this stuff. Endless. Fight fight fight fight. For what? There is no satisfaction. There is no pleasure. There is no contentment. I work and then I escape my thoughts and try to escape my emotions. When I do accomplish something, my reward is a reduction in shame and guilt. But slight. And the gargantuan effort hardly seems worth that but I do it anyway. We do it anyway. Having to wait 45 minutes at the drugstore because the hoochies don't announce when it's ready anymore, reduces me to tears and fury.
My job terrifies me. The only way I can get through it is by pretending it's not real. By not thinking about it at all. I show up, put on my dog and pony show--and try to smile like they told me to then go home and lose myself in assinine television. The worst thing is that I know how wrong I am, I know how disgusting I sound. I am unbelievably privileged and I pee on my life. But if I quit, then I really might kill myself for the shame and self-hatred of it. As it is, I'm NOT suicidal. I'm bored and dissatisfied to the point of rage. I try so hard to make this stop and get better. I live with my drill sergeant in my head, and we hate each other. Because it doesn't work.
I'm living on the cliff of madness. Hanging on with my fingernails to rationality and order. But my fingers are bloody and sore. Why am I still hanging here? The wind bangs me against the cliff bruising me. What's there to make it worth holding on? My best friend in Georgia wants to kill herself and there is nothing I can do from here. I turned in that paper I spent 6 months on and it's bad. They want to talk to me about it. It was all I could do not to sick up on the professor as he told me. Men want to get in my pants and I want to tell them all to go to hell. There's never enough money. I just dropped 150 for medications that may be making me worse for all I know. I killed my parasites and now none of my clothes fit anymore. People in the gulf...
My doctor thinks it is time to check me in somewhere for a week. I told her that was impossible without insurance. She seems to think there are ways around that. I think she is being naive, she just got out of medical school.
Life is moving from one unpleasant ordeal to the next, to wake in the morning to a litnany of fears making me want to stay in bed. The knowledge that I am losing time, wasting it, getting older is a constant undercurrent making me sick. Reality becomes more and more vague as I detach myself in order to continue, more unreal and insignificant compared to sanctuary of my mind. I just don't get the point of this. I'm not getting stronger or better or learning. I deteriorate. I become a worse person. Life is a test? Adversity is for our own good? Obviously I fail. I have 60 more years of this? Is this what I hung on through everything else for? Is this what I have been waiting for and straining for? Well, it sucks.
53 comments:
I'm sorry. I know how it is. I hope your best friend is okay.
Left by rachel
Wow, that was a very stirring and poetic post. I would like to share something a Bishop gave to me on my mission when I was really depressed.: "We talk about our trials and troubles in this life: but suppose that you could see yourselves thousands and millions of years after you have proved faithful to your religion during the few short years in this time, and have obtained eternal salvation and a crown of glory in the presence of God; then look back upon your lives here, and see the losses, crossed, and disappointments, the sorrows... you would be constrained to exclaim, 'But what of all that? Those things were but for a moment, and we are now here. We have been faithful during a few moments in our mortality, and now we enjoy eternal life and glory, with power to progress in all the boundless knowledge and through the countless stages of progression, enjoying the smiles and approbation of our Father and God, and of Jesus Christ our elder brother.'"{Brigham Young} Good luck and hang in there!!
Left by Brandon
I found that roll of film that we took of Mina's different expressions. I'll try to scan and edit them this weekend and send them to you, if you'd like.
Is S really not ok?
Call me anytime
Left by jill
My doctor thinks it is time to check me in somewhere for a week. I told her that was impossible without insurance. She seems to think there are ways around that.
In Texas we've often gotten around that. Let your doctor try.
Sounds terrible. I'm so sorry things have gone off the rails and that you aren't reaching a place outside of the pain. I know you've had that place before, and I hope that you find it again.
Don't know what else to say. I've been worried.
Left by Stephen M (Ethesis)
Oh no. Please do what you need to for your safety, and let anyone in Georgia who can help know about your friend.
I SO UNDERSTAND where you are coming from. Not near completely, because I am not you, and we may not have the same diagnoses, or at least not all the same, but I have thought and felt so much of what you posted.
And the prospect of facing the rest of my life like this, the way you put it, is EXACTLY how I have felt. People don't understand what it is like to face a LIFE SENTENCE of this sort of thing.
I hope in some small way I've helped you feel a bit less alone. I wish I had found your blog a month ago, when I started blogging.
Left by sarebear
Although I must say from today's post on Ethesis, it seems perhaps Stephen does understand, or is understanding as much as he can, and WAY more than I've ever seen anyone do or try.
JL,
I have been following your blog for 8 months now. You have made me laugh and cry and then laugh again...and this post makes me want to cry - if I could hug you, I would (if you'd be comfortable about that - some people are not huggy types - But exceptions sometimes must be made).
I can't claim to know what you're going through. I know that I have felt the eternal agony of the slow torture that is life much as you describe. I too have wondered why I am here when Hell seems more appealing (Heaven, too, for that matter). I don't have a tidy answer for how you overcome those feelings because I have not managed to fully get over them...they are there, in the back of my mind. But I did at one point have to pick up and leave everything I loved in order to save myself and it has made all the difference. Maybe a drastic change is what you need - a new atmosphere that doesn't haunt you with depressing memories - a new job...some people might call it escaping but I found it to be what saved me. for what it is worth, you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Let's hope we all make it out of this together and into a better place - I know it is possible.
Left by redlaw
Good luck to you. I left the church and I am much happier. My behaviors didn't change--I was super-active before--just my outlook. When you take away all the pressure of a rewardless (for singles) religion, your outlook improves. At least that's how it was for me. Now I'm no longer single OR celibate anymore. Hope you experience the same, and soon.
Left by A frriend
JL-is there anyway I can email you? Please email me if you'd like to receive the email I just tried to send you. Looks like your Juno account is defunct?
Left by Mike
The post left by A frriend...I just have to say that I don't think leaving the church would solve all of her problems. That's great that the church wasn't for you, and that leaving the church was your answer. But the cold truth is, the LDS faith is not an easy one to keep. It's hard work, and it sucks sometimes. And staying with it doesn't guarantee instant and constant happiness. But leaving it doesn't do that either.
I suppose I'm just moved to respond since those results of that poll JL had about her future crusty spinsterhoodness, was due to her being Mormon. Sure her celibacy is a result of being Mormon, but all of her struggles, loneliness, mental problems etc., I believe are not a direct result of being a single Mormon woman in this most frustrating day and age.
I think it has more to do with a combination of things, including: a) her intelligence -have you ever noticed that the really stupid women (and men) sometimes seem to be the happiest? b) her analytical nature -this seems like a good thing, and it can be, yet sometimes when a person over-analyzes EVERYTHING, things are blown completely out of proportion. c) men suck. Period. Especially single Mormon men. And d) life just plain sucks for the most part -it's the sad, but bitter truth. But amazingly, just every once in a while, a smattering of hope can come around.
I also believe JL, like myself, finds a sort of comfort zone in her solitude, and in her problems. This entire blog is mainly fueled by all the crap that happens to her. Her flaws and her problems are so much a part of her identity, if she didn't have something wrong with her (mentally, especially) I bet she wouldn't know what to do with herself. (Believe me, I say these things because it's at though I'm just describing myself.)
JL, please let your friends find you and love you. You are loved.
Left by rachel
Well, I've blogged and encouraged people to wish you well and pray for you.
Left by Stephen M (Ethesis)
Im sorry, but I have to respond to Rachel's comment. I am sick of hearing how much single LDS men suck. Did you ever think that single LDS women are just as bad? Well, they are. Rachel if you do happen to be single, there is a reason. And that reason is the exact same reason you give for why single mormon men suck. Your issues are your own, not issues of single LDS men. Wake up.
Left by Jason
Well said, Jason. Very well said. I take it back. I'm a terrible person.
Left by Rachel
I never said you were terrible. I said you are just like the rest of us. There is nothing different at all.
Left by Jason
So then all of us suck? Is that what you're saying?
Not to steal JL's thunder, but I have lived in Utah my entire life. I have been a faithful member of the LDS church. I'm almost 25, and LDS men just aren't interested in me. With the exception of when I was 19, when all they wanted to do was makeout -but other than that, now if I want to have any kind of relationship, my only options are guys who have left the church, or guys who aren't members.
This can only mean one thing: I'm the one at fault. So yes, I do suck.
Left by Rachel
Are you interested in them? Are you interested in being what they might be looking for? All Im saying is that just because you arent dating an LDS man doesnt mean they (we) all "suck". If we are supposedly so terrible, why do you care if we are interested in you or not?
I could list gobs of well educated, professional, active men in the same boat as you - LDS women arent interested in them - does that mean single LDS women all "suck" too? It works both ways, either we all suck, or none of us do.
Left by Jason
Sorry if this post comes up more than once, there were problems. Anyway....
What it boils down to is -no one wants to make the first move. By now I know it's my fault -I'm sure Mormon guys don't think I'm interested in them because really, I suppose I don't even try anymore. But when I did try, I had to do everything. I felt as though I had to throw myself at them to get them to do anything -because that's what Mormon girls have to do to get noticed (or it feels that way sometimes.) Guys who aren't Mormon, I don't have to do that with. They've actually made the first move. Or they make some sort of effort. So you're right, mainly it's me.
My ward right now has probably at least 4 girls to every guy, if not more. I'm too tired to compete anymore, I guess.
Also, I'm weird. I don't scrapbook. I dress modestly, but more on the funky side. I feel like I'm someone a Mormon guy would be interested in -I keep the commandments, if that's what you're asking. I'm relatively attractive, I hope. I'm not obese or anything. I like to think I have a decent personality. It's frustrating.
Now, I just don't "date", because I'm tired of dating guys who don't believe in the same things I do. It's impossible for me to be happy in these relationships. Nothing good seems to come out of them, other than I have someone to do stuff with for a short period of time.
So you're right. All of those great guys you seem to know wouldn't do anything, because I don't do anything to show that I'd want them to.
I didn't mean to harp really on Mormon guys when I made my original post. It was just said to make someone feel better. It wasn't a valid point, with good evidence to back it up. I think I'm also just bitter, because I have two really good friends who got married recently to guys who aren't Mormon. They felt ignored too, to some extent, and I guess I'm just sad that they decided to forgo a temple marriage, because they kind of gave up hoping for a real nice Mormon boy. So I apologize.
Left by Rachel
Are you interested in being what they might be looking for?
HELLO! Are you suggesting that we change ourselves to be what some man wants us to be? Not everyone is happy staying home and cooking all day long. Some of us like to our education in areas outside the home, too. We don't all like to wear floral prints and bleach our hair. Maybe we like wearing glasses and have a horrible singing voice.
Rachel is not alone. I'm 26, LDS and single. I've been dating an LDS GUY for over a year. He is a nice enough guy and I love him dearly -- but there is a reason he is 30 and single! He can't commit and that is not MY fault. He's been talking about how much he wants to marry me for almost a year. He is immature and uneducated. But you know what? all the other single LDS guys are in a similar place. He is a good man, but not my 'ideal'. But pickins' are slim for us ladies.
(In my singles ward, there are dozens of beautiful, smart, educated women over 25 and when compared to the men in that age bracket there is no comparison. The women are way too beautiful to date those guys, who for the most part are either socially akward, uneducated or just plain scarey.
Left by Anonymous
Ooh, thanks anonymous! I really couldn't agree with your post anymore!!!
Left by Rachel
If we are supposedly so terrible, why do you care if we are interested in you or not?
I didn't really answer that question by the way. You are not "supposedly so terrible" as people. There are guys I know out there that I think are wonderful, but perhaps I lost interest just because they're not interested in me. Am I making sense with this? I would love to date a good Mormon guy. But it's just not going to happen. They're not interested. That's just my curse in life.
So here's to being the next Sherri Dew. Is that how you spell her name?
Left by Rachel
May peace find you.
Left by Lisa M
I dont suggest you change yourself at all. But, it has already been said here, the odds are 3 or 4 to 1 according to you ladies. If an LDS wants to date, he can basically find what he is looking for. If you dont want to be what he is looking for, thats totally cool. Just dont whine about it when he isnt interested in you.
Personally, I don think the odds are that bad. I think LDS women are way too picky, and dont give most guys a chance - "The women are way too beautiful to date those guys, who for the most part are either socially akward, uneducated or just plain scarey. " I also think LDS men are way too picky, and by the time they are in their late 20s, being called socially akward and scarey has made them gun shy.
The problem is two sided - men have to step up and be less gutless, and women have to chill a bit and give things a chance.
Left by Jason
What it boils down to is -no one wants to make the first move.
Ask yourself how do guys get to be 26 and unmarried?
I remember doing a checklist for a guy friend whose wife left him to run off with a trust fund baby (who later dumped her) and who was completely lost.
But you can figure out the same for a guy.
That should really be another post, but one real way guys get to be 26-30 or so and unmarried is that they have learned to be afraid to make the first move. They've also learned to be afraid of women who make the first move.
There are ways to deal with that, though if more guys would listen when the Spirit bangs them over the head, I suspect that more of them would be married instead of locked into just dating. But they get self-contained and ....
Anyway, just checking back on JL, want to wish you the best again.
Left by Stephen M (Ethesis)
Thanks, Stephen that's a good point. And you're right, Jason, we women are too picky. The older I get the more stubborn I am. And the longer I am single the more I feel justified in my stubbornness. Vicious cycle.
Sorry JL that I turned the comments for your post into a crappy battlefield of the LDS sexes. I hope you find better days.
Left by Rachel
allo,
And is there a hell in Mormonism? I thought there were different levels of heaven...four actually. Hitler is then, apparently, in the lowest realm...you certainly don't belong there.
I think it's silly that a Mormon can only date and marry a Mormon.
And what happens to the men and women who don't find marriage? Do they still get to oversee their own planets? Perhaps they can't have celestial sex and create spirit babies, but, they still should be able to at least tend to a planet. Maybe one with just gardens and waterfalls. Or chaos and mayhem...whatever the new god prefers.
Left by un chat
http://www.livejournal.com/users/beckyzoole/170091.html
Really interesting post, in line with some things here.
Left by Stephen M (Ethesis)
Leaving the church was the best thing I could have done for myself as a single woman over thirty. After that everything fell into place.
And while it's true that some who steep in depression and morose anguish are brilliant, there are an equal amount who seek competent help and get on with their lives, usually without a depressing and dogmatic religion to foul them up.
If you don't leave, at least stop thinking that marriage and families are the key to "exaltation" and the best possible goal you could have for yourself. Not everyone gets married, and celibacy/singleness is only one of many hardships in life (and I was single for 35+ years).
Not everyone's path is the same. Try separating yourself from the church and see if that helps.
Left by A frriend
A frriend,
I think you may have found what you think works best for you, but I personally think it was the wrong choice and I don't think that you really understand what the LDS church is all about..you call it a depressing and dogmatic religion...I have found it to be anything but.
Religion is laregly what you put into it and instead of taking your view of a certain religion and trying to press that upon others, let them make their own decisions...I don't hear active LDS members on this site trying to coerce JL into going to church - they don't need to because they get the idea that we are all free to choose. I do hear you claiming to have been super active in one breath and then proving in the next breath that you didn't really have a testimony of the church.
If leaving the church is what worked for you, then great. But let others decide for themselves what they want to do...you had already expressed yourself clearly enough in your first post, was it necessary to leave a second post?
I agree with the fact that it helps if one stops thinking of marriage as the end-all, be-all goal in life and celibacy is not the worst thing to happen in life...I don't agree with your insistence that leaving the church will resolve the issues.
Left by redlaw
A frriend,
I think you may have found what you think works best for you, but I personally think it was the wrong choice and I don't think that you really understand what the LDS church is all about..you call it a depressing and dogmatic religion...I have found it to be anything but.
Religion is laregly what you put into it and instead of taking your view of a certain religion and trying to press that upon others, let them make their own decisions...I don't hear active LDS members on this site trying to coerce JL into going to church - they don't need to because they get the idea that we are all free to choose. I do hear you claiming to have been super active in one breath and then proving in the next breath that you didn't really have a testimony of the church.
If leaving the church is what worked for you, then great. But let others decide for themselves what they want to do...you had already expressed yourself clearly enough in your first post, was it necessary to leave a second post?
I agree with the fact that it helps if one stops thinking of marriage as the end-all, be-all goal in life and celibacy is not the worst thing to happen in life...I don't agree with your insistence that leaving the church will resolve the issues.
Left by redlaw
Sorry you're reading between the lines, Redlaw. The only thing I insisted on (in both posts) was that it worked for *me*. I gently suggested JL try it, but I have merely spoken of my experiences. I also refuted Rachel's earlier idea that it's intelligence, not being single in the church, that often causes or exacerbates depression. I know educated single people in and out of the church. Each person should do what is best for him/her and not be afraid of trying new things to solve old problems. That's all.
Good luck to you.
Left by A frriend
BTW, JL, if you have the time/energy, I'm looking for recommendations on a good book on ethics (from a philosopher's standpoint vs. a lawyers or an economists).
Hope you are able to find the strength to go to Church. I know in the past that it has helped you, realize that not going has been part of the problem that has increased your depression.
I really wish I had better advise or help for you. I'm afraid I don't but you do have my best wishes.
Left by Stephen M (Ethesis)
Posted my "battle of the sexes" post over at red law
Left by Stephen M (Ethesis)
A frriend, I see you point. And it can make a lot of sense. I just wanted to add though that I didn't say exactly that intelligence causes depression. That first post was somewhat sarcastic. But I do think sometimes persons with above average intelligence are more apt to make their lives more difficult, by complicating the most simplistic of things. At the same time, anyone is prone to depression, for numerous reasons, whether they be biological, environmental, etc.
I've thought many times that if I weren't Mormon, I might be happier...but that happiness would only last momentarily for me. (I also think if I weren't LDS, I'd probably be a drunk...the kind that sits alone in their house drinking themselves to sleep. But that's something else.) Anyway, I won't go into that now, but I meant it when I said that it's great that leaving the church was what worked for you. Nonetheless, those of us who have stayed with it and will continue to do so, don't feel that when things seem to not be going the way we want them to (or the way the church wants them to) we don't have to do something so drastic as leaving the church. It's difficult not to debate with you on it. I'm sure you had other reasons for leaving other than just being single and "over the marriage hill".
JL seemed to have made her decision a long time ago to stick with her faith. Her outpouring of hopelessness about her current circumstances are heartbreaking to read, yet at the same time, it's posts like these that prove her humanity. And Mormons are human too (although some like to think themselves to be above being human, already having found "perfection".)
Anyway...blah blah blah....
Left by Rachel
Rachel,
I could not have expressed things more eloquently if I tried. You have said what I wanted to say and did a very poor job saying in my post to A frriend.
I am sorry if I lashed out and said the wrong thing, A frriend. I know you were speaking from the heart and it wasn't very kind of me to pan you or to read between the lines.
I just care about this religion - I believe it to be the truest thing I have found yet in my life and it is sometimes hard for me to listen to others who feel differently - and that's my own shortcoming.
Anyway, thank you Rachel for what you have said and again, my apologies to A frriend for being too quick to speak and too harsh in my opinions.
Left by redlaw
with so many posts this wont seem very important, i only read about 1.5 of them myself.
you are a very insightful person from what i can tell of your writing. seeing life and so many of it's dark futility's. but the one thing even the most insightful people seem miss is acceptance. i don't mean accept what you have and be depressed, what i mean is that you need to learn that in the vastness of life, what you do can serve to no more good than to give you whatever pleasure it does. anything that you do that is serving some other cause, but giving you no joy is worth nothing.
it IS all about you, but your soul is you too. so helping others may give you joy like it does myself. i am not saying otherwise.
what i am saying is that with such sadness in your life, running and leaving it behind is not a bad thing. as long as you find joy where ever you run too.
Left by MasterNate
I feel for you, because I have been where you are now, but at the same time, I don't feel for you. If you are not happy, change your situation. Quit school, go get a paying job, move to a new location, find a hobby or something. No one is holding you back but yourself. You are the master of your fate. Don't blame God, the Church or anyone else. You can be happy if you decide it is truly what you want.
Left by Anon
You Are an Emo Rocker!
Expressive and deep, lyrics are really your thing.
That doesn't mean you don't rock out...
You just rock out with meaning.
For you, rock is more about connecting than grandstanding.What Kind of Rocker Are You?
Hmm, what is an Emo rocker?
Wonder what you are ;)
Left by Stephen M (Ethesis)
JL, I know nothing about you other than what you choose to share on this blog, and I know even less about your religion, so I'll spare you my thoughts on whether or not your faith plays any role in your continued discontent with life.
The bottom line here is that you are very clearly sick and in need of help. Screw the money, I mean, what price tag do you put on your mental health? Your doctor is right, there are ways to get around this obstacle, but it is up to YOU to want to. I apologize if I came off as being harsh, but based on what I've read in the past several months, I've never once gotten the impression that you actually WANT to be happy. You wear your misery like a badge of honor, which honestly, is just about the most surefire way to guarantee that you never attract the right kind of man, which is in turn the most surefire way that you continue to be miserable, as it seems that your happiness is inextricably linked to whether or not there is a man in your life.
I pity you JL, not because you're so sick and miserable, but because you don't seem to be genuinely interested in doing anything to change that fact.
Left by a dose of reality
Dose,
I think she is trapped by being trapped, rather than trapped by wanting to be trapped. Not that the solution is much different, though the onus is.
Prior to her change up in meds she seemed to want to be happy and to enjoy life most of the time. The dating stories were fun snarks, rather than pathos.
Since her change up in meds and her visit to Ireland, things seem to have fallen apart for her. The change-up led to loss of function which led to increased pressure which led to more problems, etc.
In that sort of maelstorm, it is hard to find a place to stand to grasp on to things.
I've done my best to make suggestions, but I don't have a magic key to a foundation point. Structure, aerobic exercise, discipline in sleep, using memory, a refresher in cognitive therapy (if nothing else, reading the core book in the genre again), all of these are tools, not solutions or starting places.
I hope your post, and her doctor, and everything else, come together to help.
Left by Stephen M (Ethesis)
Hello, JL,
I don't pray much, but I'm praying for you. It's a hard road, and harder alone.
I don't think the church has a damn thing to do with your current situation. And I think you might find comfort in just going, even though it's a burden, because going leaves you with one less thing to feel bad about.
Bless you.
Left by Ann
BTW, I got sent this (as some sort of spam), but thought I would ask if it is accurate?
“The Ten Most Dangerous
Mistakes YOU Probably
Make With Women—
And What To Do About It...”
Here Are The Top Ten Reasons Why Men Fail With Women—And How To Make Sure YOU Avoid Every One Of These Deadly Common Mistakes...
MISTAKE #1: Being
Too Much Of A “Nice Guy”
Have you ever noticed that the really attractive women never seem to be attracted "nice" guys?
Of course you have.
Just like me, I'm sure you've had attractive female friends that always seemed to date "jerks"... but for some reason they were never romantically interested in YOU.
What's going on here?
It's actually very simple...
Women don't base their choices of men on how "nice" a guy is. They choose the men they do because they feel a powerful GUT LEVEL ATTRACTION for them.
And guess what?
Being nice doesn't make a woman FEEL that powerful ATTRACTION.
And being NICE doesn't make a woman CHOOSE you.
I realize that this doesn't make a lot of logical sense, and it's hard to ACCEPT... but GET OVER IT.
Until you accept this FACT and begin to act on it, you'll NEVER have the success with women that you want.
MISTAKE #2: Trying To
“Convince Her To Like You”
What do most guys do when they meet a woman that they REALLY like... but she's just notinterested?
Right! They try to "convince" the woman to feel differently.
Well, I have news for you... YOU WILL NEVER CHANGE HOW A WOMAN "FEELS" WHEN IT COMES TO ATTRACTION!
Never, ever, EVER.
You cannot CONVINCE a woman to feel differently about you with "logic and reasoning".
Think about it.
If a woman doesn't "feel it" for you, how in the world do you expect to change that FEELING by being "reasonable" with her?
But we all do it.
When a woman just isn't interested, we beg, plead, chase, and do our best to change her mind.
Bad idea. One that will never work.
MISTAKE #3: Looking To Her
For Approval Or Permission
In our desire to please women (which we mistakenly think will make them like us), us guys are always doing things to get a woman's "approval" or "permission".
Another HORRIBLE idea.
Women are NEVER attracted to the types of men who kiss up to them... EVER.
Don't get me wrong here.
You don't have to treat women BADLY for them to like you.
But if you think that treating a woman well means "always getting her approval and permission for things", think again.
You will never succeed by looking for approval. Women actually get ANNOYED at men who seek their approval.
Doubt me? Just ask any attractive woman if Wussy guys who chase her around and want her approval annoy her...
MISTAKE #4: Trying To “Buy” Her Affection With Food And Gifts
How many times have you taken a woman out to a nice dinner, bought her gifts and flowers, and had her REJECT you for someone who didn't treat her even HALF as well as you did?
If you're like me, then you've had it happen a LOT.
Well guess what?
It's only NATURAL when this happens...
That's right, I said NATURAL.
When you do these things, you send a clear message:
"I don't think you'll like me for who I am, so I'm going to try to buy your attention and affection".
Your good intentions usually come across to women as over-compensation for insecurity, and weak attempts at manipulation. That's right, I said that women see this as MANIPULATION.
MISTAKE #5: Sharing
“How You Feel” Too Early In
The Relationship With Her
Another huge and unfortunate mistake that most men make with women is sharing how they "feel" too early on.
Attractive women are rare.
And they get a LOT of attention from men.
Most men don't realize this, but attractive women are being approached in one way or another ALL THE TIME.
An attractive woman is often approached several times a DAY by men who are interested. This translate into dozens of times per week, and often HUNDREDS of times per month.
And guess what?
Attractive women have usually dated a LOT of men.
That's right. They have EXPERIENCE.
They know what to expect.
And one thing that turns an attractive women off and sends her running away faster than just about anything is a guy who starts saying "You know, I really, REALLY like you" after one or two dates.
This signals to the woman that you're just like all the other guys who fall for her too fast... and can't control themselves.
Don't do it. Lean back. Relax.
There's a much better way...
MISTAKE #6: Not “Getting” How Attraction Works For Women
Women are VERY different from men when it comes to ATTRACTION.
You need to accept this fact, and deal with it.
When a man sees a beautiful, young, sexy woman, he INSTANTLY feels a sexual attraction.
But does the same apply for women?
Do women feel sexual attraction to men based mostly on looks? Or is something else going on?
Well, after studying this topic for over five full years now, I can tell you that women usually have their "attraction mechanisms" triggered by things OTHER than looks.
Have you ever noticed that you see a lot more average and unattractive men with beautiful women than the other way around?
Think about it.
Women are more attracted to certain qualities in men... and they're attracted to the way a man makes them FEEL than they are to looks alone.
If you know how to use your body language and communication correctly, you can make women feel the same kind of powerful sexual attraction to you that YOU feel when you see a hot, sexy young woman.
But it's not an accident. You have to LEARN how to do this.
And ANY guy can learn how...
MISTAKE #7: Thinking That It
Takes Money And Looks
One of the most common mistakes that guys make is giving up before they've even gotten started... because they think that attractive women are only interested in men who have looks and money... or guys who are a certain height... or guys who are a certain age.
And sure, there are some women who are only interested in these things.
But MOST women are far more interested in a man's personality than his wallet or his looks.
There are personality traits that attract women like a magnet...
And if you learn what they are and how to use them, YOU can be one of these guys.
YOU DO NOT have to "settle" for a woman just because you aren't rich, tall, or handsome.
Let me say this again: If you know how to use your body language and communication correctly, you can make women feel the same kind of powerful sexual attraction to you that YOU feel when you see a hot, sexy young woman.
MISTAKE #8: Giving Away
All Of Your Power To Women
Earlier I mentioned that it's a mistake to look to a woman for approval or permission.
Well, another similar tactic that a lot of guys use is GIVING AWAY THEIR POWER to women.
Said differently, guys try to get women to like them by doing whatever the woman wants.
Another bad idea...
Women are NEVER attracted to men that they can walk all over... Women aren't attracted to Wussies!
MISTAKE #9: Not Knowing
EXACTLY What To Do In Each
Type Of Situation With Women
Now I'm going to blow your mind...
A woman ALWAYS knows what you're thinking.
Women are approximately TEN TIMES better than men at reading body language. That's ten TIMES.
I know, it might be hard to believe. But for example, if you're out on a date with a woman, and you want to kiss her, she knows it.
And if you don't know exactly what to do and exactly HOW to kiss her, and you just sit there looking at her and getting nervous, she won't help!
And this goes for ALL aspects of women and dating...
Approaching a woman, getting her number, asking her out, kissing her, getting physical... everything.
If you don't know what to do in each situation, you will probably screw it up... and LOSE EVERYTHING.
And you KNOW it.
It is VITALLY important that you know EXACTLY how to go from one step to the next with a woman... from the first meeting, all the way to the bedroom.
MISTAKE #10: Not Getting HELP
This is the biggest mistake of all.
Sounds like that book those women wrote, "The Rules" or something.
Left by Rachel
You have severe emotional problems. They will be with you in whatever you do. But you might consider trying to seek out things that will provide you support -- a different church (lds obviously ain't doing it), different friends, and not sabotaging romantic relationships.
Left by RocknRollSinger
Dear J.L.: I'm a bring old married guy with 3 kids, the oldest almost your age. If you were my daughter I'd have you in my car and on the way to some medical help immediately. You seem to be quite ill. Get some medical care!
By the way, fast offerings are often used to pay for such help. Do not be shy or embarrassed about going to your bishop and asking. We all need help sometimes, and that's why we have fast offerings. I don't care if you have not been paying them, or if you have not been going to church. He won't either. You can make up for all that later if you want to.
Just get help. I don't know you but I know you are loved more than you know.
Lowell
Left by The Hedgehog
By the way, fast offerings are often used to pay for such help. Do not be shy or embarrassed about going to your bishop and asking.
It is a line on the LDS social services referral form -- if you want to pay your own costs they have to write that in. Hedgehog is right.
Left by Stephen M (Ethesis)
Also, if you are having second thoughts about your focus, to quote Leiter:
Even if tenure standards are starting to change, slightly, salary differentials have not, which has surely contributed to the influx of JD/PhDs in to law schools. An assistant professor at a top philosophy department might make 50-60K to start these days; an assistant professor at a top law school isn't going to make less than 110K, and perhaps as much as 130K. There are dozens and dozens of senior faculty at top law schools, as well, who now earn salaries in the 250K range, and up. And this isn't just reserved for the law equivalent of a Jerry Fodor. One can count on one hand, of course, the number of philosophers who earn salaries circa 200K.
http://leiterreports.typepad.com/blog/2004/06/why_is_it_so_ea.html
Left by Stephen M (Ethesis)
JL
At least you've gotten a record number of comments on this one.
Seriously, though, hope you are ok and that the number of posts has helped.
Left by Stephen M (Ethesis)
Hope you're doing okay. Hang in there. I'm rooting for ya!
Left by Raine
Dang it,
I knew I should be reading this stuff.
JL- I feel for you. Very much. I have thrown myself into being at work all the time which prevents me from feeling as negative as I might otherwise- however it is starting to catch up with me.
Are both Rachel's who commented here the same person?
I kept wondering "why doesn't rachel have a blog?"
and then, all of the sudden, a rachel post has a link to a blog.
Left by MIke
Still worried about you, and I live in Texas ;)
Left by Stephen M (Ethesis)
Reading this here post, I think every person has had that feeling at some time or another. I know I have. Teaching in the men's meeting this upcoming week, we are taught by Pres. McKay that service brings a person closer to God, and helps to understand his perfect care and concern. I believe that suffering on many levels also helps us to understand at a very small level the price that was paid for each one of our souls.
Elder Bruce C. Hafen: We cannot really feel charity—Christ's love for others—without at least tasting His suffering for others, because the love and the suffering are but two sides of a single reality. When we really are afflicted in the afflictions of other people, we may enter "the fellowship of his sufferings" enough to become joint-heirs with Him.
Elder Bruce C. Hafen again, same conference session, same talk, April 2004: So if you have problems in your life, don't assume there is something wrong with you. Struggling with those problems is at the very core of life's purpose. As we draw close to God, He will show us our weaknesses and through them make us wiser, stronger. If you're seeing more of your weaknesses, that just might mean you're moving nearer to God, not farther away.
Fortunately the entire price was paid 2000 years ago. To me harsh judgements are easy for me to mete, although unnecessary, because the price has already been paid.
Take care.
Left by anonymous
just wanted you to know i'm thinking of you! and a billion others (well i don't know how many but i never comment and i'm sure many more don't). lean on us. i have leaned on you and your words.
Left by shana
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